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I've decided that 'reading for improvement' will include books about spirituality and assertiveness, creative self development, parenting and meditation. But I'm not going to read relationship or marriage books any more for the time being. There might be a time for that in the future, and there's plenty about my communication I can improve outside of my marriage - but I think the obsessive reading of relationship books was keeping my focus on a relationship that isn't there any more, rather than on myself. I have made myself a little reading list (because apparently INFJ love a bit of order and structure!) this afternoon, which was a nice way to spend half an hour.

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I hate to say it but Myers Briggs is a load of crap. That said, if you find it useful and it resonates then use it to improve your life (a bunch of those things also sounded like me btw). I like your list, and the focus on yourself. Stick with it smile

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Perhaps I'd have found enough to identify with in any of the descriptions! They're all fairly capacious, aren't they? Still, it does no harm. And I like my list too.

Today was a weird day. I had a happy time in some respects - some time alone, which has been in massively short supply and which I really needed. Then family dinner (my side) this evening for Easter. Kids had been to PILS for the celebration with his side - though he'd just taken them and dropped them off but hadn't attended himself. He looks awful at the moment and probably needed the time to rest and recover but still, it was a bit sad for them not to have either of us there. MIL dropped the kids off with me this evening. She's not been in touch at all since he moved out and that's saddened me a bit as I think we were reasonably close and got on okay prior to this. I have no idea what he told her - she knew we were having problems and that there'd been infidelity on his side, but her frostiness after he moved out surprised me. Anyway - she was cordial at the drop off. We made chit chat. She said I was looking well and asked me how I was feeling. I AM looking well - I've been outside a lot and my skin looks great after stopping smoking and I've put on a nice amount of weight. I told her I was really enjoying having a dog and time with the kids. It was all fine, but awkward. It's hard to know how to handle interaction with her but I think I did okay. But now I have thoughts over how weird and hard it will be to resurrect or regain the relationships with my ILS if we do end up reconciling. I feel resentful that not one of them has been in touch these past few months to ask me how I am or ask me if I needed help with the kids - they must have known he wasn't doing any childcare and I could have done with some help now and again. But I can let go of that, and thoughts about what things will look like in the future and what problems I might have don't need to be dealt with today.

Plans for tomorrow: REST and GAL with kids and some housework. Gearing up to get them back into their school routine. Making my own plans for the summer walking.

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Just like you can’t control your husband, you can’t control your ILs either. You don’t know what kind of complicated dynamics are going on with them, so all you can do is tell them how happy you would be to have them see the kids I think.
PS well done on the smoking thing, that’s amazing that you managed that in such a stressful period.

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You're right. And I think I have a tendency to search for the cloud in every silver lining. All the time. I need to watch for that because it [censored] the joy out of things for me and it also really drags down other people. So. The kids had a nice time, the in-laws were cordial with me and asked me how I was doing, I got some much needed time alone, and that's all that matters for the time being. I texted this morning and thanked them for their gifts for the children and said they'd had a lovely time, and they sent some nice photos back. Made no mention of H and I plan not to if the communication continues. I guess I am a bit sad about not being invited this year - but on the other hand, I did really need the time alone and I made the most of it.

I am really proud of myself for the stopping smoking. H never liked it and often complained, and I ignored him because his criticism made me feel controlled. But actually everything he said about my smoking was right, and I am feeling better in all kinds of ways for stopping. It's also helped me put on a bit of weight - which was badly needed. My vanity says - I am glad to see the in-laws looking sun-kissed and healthy rather than shadow-eyed and thin-as-a-wraith which I was earlier this year so at least there's that!

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Sounds great on the feeling better Alison. What plans do you have to keep the momentum going ?

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Thanks for asking, Tryhard. You always ask questions that get me thinking and moving and taking action and stop me dwelling on things.

So - today both kids are back at school. I need to finish off two important pieces of work. I also want to take the dog out and work on some training that I'm trying with her. And read. I want to read. I have a friend who lives nearby and I want to schedule a lunch in with her sometime very soon - her family is away and I know she gets lonely so it will do us both good. I will contact her today. I also want to schedule those walks into my diary - I was supposed to do it yesterday but I got distracted and didn't get around to it, so today's the day for that.

A question too. My MIL contacted me yesterday and wants to come over tonight. She wants to drop something off for my son. It will be a very quick visit - she's on her way somewhere else - but I want to be ready to handle any awkwardness well and with kindness and dignity should it crop up. I also am not inclined to get into my private business with her and I don't think that's appropriate. And I feel vulnerable because I have no idea what H has told her about me.

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Thanks for the feedback Alison that has brightened my day smile

Great news on arranging meeting with your friend and getting those two pieces of work scheduled.

My OPINION on how to deal with mil , is to use MWD’s act as if , be happy, positive and friendly. One additional reason for this is that I expect that H has most likely not told her anything substantive , I expect she will ask how you are doing, kids , Easter break etc . I would answer to any questions that I didn’t want to get involved with her on is “ I don’t know how I feel about that” and then kindly explain that I have lots to do and hope she doesn’t mind .

I would get some more opinions on this as I am no expert in any of this and when I am in a stressful relationship situation I go on autopilot and myself not do the optimal thing. TBH I expect you will do much better than I could anyway .

Regardless I hope you have a great day , keep up the good work and keep moving.

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Originally Posted by AlisonUK

A question too. My MIL contacted me yesterday and wants to come over tonight. She wants to drop something off for my son. It will be a very quick visit - she's on her way somewhere else - but I want to be ready to handle any awkwardness well and with kindness and dignity should it crop up. I also am not inclined to get into my private business with her and I don't think that's appropriate. And I feel vulnerable because I have no idea what H has told her about me.


Tryhard offered good advice on this. I would just add this- do not get drawn into R talks with her. If she asks anything about the R then just say you are both taking time and space to work on yourselves and use that as a segue to tell her how awesome you are doing. One thing to keep in mind with in-laws is ANYTHING you saw WILL get back to your spouse. So you want to telegraph nothing but positive vibes. You're moving on, you're happy, you're focused on yourself. You want MIL going back to him and saying "I saw Alison today and WOW she is doing great!"

Last edited by Cadet; 04/23/19 02:26 PM. Reason: Start a new thread message

Me: 60 w/ S18, D24, D27

M: 21 years; BD: 06-14-12; S: 09-10-12; D final: 03-17-14; XW:57
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Great. That was sort of my plan. I could tell she was a bit shocked to see how well I was doing (I am certainly looking much better than I was the last time we saw each other.) I prefer not to get into a conversation with her about my marriage, and it is true, I am feeling good and doing better in all kinds of ways, so I don't plan to put on a front with her either.

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