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Grace,

I think you are doing well and are on top of the financials.

As for the links on the resource thread, we were only able to recapture some of the threads before a purging took place a few years ago. At the bottom of the thread is a listing of those threads that posters were able to recapture and we had the permission of the original poster to repost them for future use. After reading your thread this morning, I made a note on that thread to scroll to the bottom for the links that do work.

We like to remind posters that the stages and timelines are just a guide. Everyone is unique, i.e., childhood issues, personalities, etc., thus, they go through the crisis at their own speed....which is slow and can be disruptive to all.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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Thanks for the clarification, Job. I just wanted to review it because DnJ mentioned that is H was still seeing OW, he was in replay. I just didn't know exactly what this meant. Just needed clarity, and will use the guide loosely.

Journaling.....

So, I'm home from a terrific 24 hours with the kids! Lots of together time, church was inspirational, and nice to see they are doing well. They even let me shampoo their carpets and disinfect their rooms! Made mom happy. lol.

D19 was all hand holding, hugs, and kisses. I even got a few, if a bit stiff, hugs from my Aspie S21. initiated by him, which was something. D19 ended lunch by saying it was a great weekend, with lots of together time. I just told them both that nothing was more important than family and keeping those connections going, and that I loved being there with them. S21 is in a bit of la la land with H. He mentioned Hs "band practice", that he believes H is telling the truth (that's the excuse for not going to see them on Easter). I just listened. That was about the extent of talking about their dad.

The only downside of seeing the kids is the 2 hours each way in the car. Too much time to think. I played all kinds of music, but thoughts of H kept creeping in. How is he spending his Easter? Is he with OW? Then I had fleeting thoughts of jealousy. He's got someone, and I miss having someone! Why would I be jealous of a relationship like that? This is not a strong feeling, and I've only had it once or twice before. But.....

Just another thing to work out.

So my sister posted a link for a daily devotional from Rick Warren. I of course clicked on it to listen. It was about forgiveness, and how forgiveness is for us. Lack of forgiveness only locks us in a prison. He added that anxiety, worry, and stress are all actually fear. And fear locks you up in a prison, and limits living.

Things like my sister's post pop up when I seem to need it the most. It certainly got my attention today.

I don't want to be locked up in a prison. I want to live freely. My over-attention on H is keeping me locked up. The door may be propped opened occasionally and I get a breath of fresh air, but I want to breath that air every day, all day.

I believe I will get there.

I'm looking forward to arriving.


M: 56
H: 57
S: 22
D: 20

H Moved out: 10/1/18
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Grace,

You are getting there...but it takes time and patience. Just as anger uses a lot of our energy, so does not forgiving someone. You forgive them and it's really a way to help you release all of that pent up anger and resentment. This is the season for forgiveness and I truly believe that God puts people in our paths at the time we need them the most. Open your heart and truly listen, for you will hear what you need to hear to set you free.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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DnJ Offline
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Good Morning Grace

I am glad you had a good time with, and hugs and kisses from, S21 and D19. That means more to them then they will show or they even know - yet.

Originally Posted by Grace21
The only downside of seeing the kids is the 2 hours each way in the car. Too much time to think. I played all kinds of music, but thoughts of H kept creeping in. How is he spending his Easter? Is he with OW? Then I had fleeting thoughts of jealousy. He's got someone, and I miss having someone! Why would I be jealous of a relationship like that? This is not a strong feeling, and I've only had it once or twice before. But.....

Just another thing to work out.


You are doing very well. You really are. Acceptance and understanding are growing, it shows in the questions. It really shows in the unsaid answers. Be patient, it is coming.

“Then I had fleeting thoughts feelings of jealousy.”

Perhaps, that is more accurate. It is a small thing, with big effects. You know, and realize the thoughts of H that crept in. Realize the feelings that also creep in. They are not controllable, or easily banished. This is something specific you should think about - intellectually, without emotion. Jealousy, uncouple the irrational feeling and the event.

A very good question. “Why would I be jealous of a relationship like that?”

Originally Posted by Grace21
I don't want to be locked up in a prison. I want to live freely. My over-attention on H is keeping me locked up. The door may be propped opened occasionally and I get a breath of fresh air, but I want to breath that air every day, all day.

I believe I will get there.

I'm looking forward to arriving.

You are getting there. (((Grace)))

Indifference is coming Grace. It is strange. Realize your feelings, and remember they are fleeting. Know your beliefs.

Forgiveness is not a step near the end of the path. It can happen at any point. It proceeds acceptance. One cannot accept if one still hasn’t forgiven. Anger, jealousy, fear, and so on, will all find themselves in the rear view mirror at that point. Like everything, forgiveness, compassion, and understanding comes and goes, growing with each cycle.

You have lots of time. That is really a gift.

DnJ


Feelings are fleeting.
Be better, not bitter.
Love the person, forgive the sin.
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Journaling -

Not a lot going on. Quiet this weekend. Bootcamp, yardwork (wrenched my back), ran some errands, chatted with D19. She has been burning up my phone all week with text messages and daily phone calls. She had to stay at school an extra 6 days for a final on Monday, and I think she is bored and a little lonely. Well, she will be with me on Monday until August. Can’t wait! S21 comes home Wednesday for 10 days. They will be going to an amusement park with their dad on Friday. I’m glad they will spend the day with H.

I briefly fell off the snooping wagon yesterday, but I’m back on track.

Something just popped into my mind this morning. It was very random.

I realized that I am so focused on where my journey is taking me and when it will end, that I am missing too much of the actual journey. Sure I have lots of days where I enjoy all the little things, and am content, but I am still letting thoughts of H and my sitch interfere with my experiencing my journey on a deeper, more focused level. I’m not exactly sure what this means yet, but I think I might be ready to shift gears. I have been asking God to speak to me, and I have lots of quiet time so I can listen. Maybe He spoke to me this morning.

I’ve also put some thought into what fears feed my anxiety. What am I afraid of?

I haven’t actually been as anxious this week. But, I have felt sorry for myself more than once. Home alone for a few days can do that. Keep busy, keep busy, keep busy. I’m sure at least a few dresses will be completed tonight. And the house will sparkle.


So back to fears. I can’t pinpoint any specific thing. Here are some things that come to mind.
1. I fear having to deal with a potential D and fear it could get ugly.
2. I fear the unknown – how will this end?
3. I fear I won’t be able to ever fully forgive, or get over my bitterness at H’s lack of healthy coping skills.
4. I fear H never really loved me.
5. I fear I won’t be able to find true companionship with H or anyone else.
6. Perhaps I fear I will always be alone.

It seems like a complete waste of time to worry about future events that may or may not happen. So #1, 2, 5 and 6 fit this category. It’s been said many, many times that our thoughts about future events are often way out of line with what will really happen, and what we fear is usually much worse than reality. Need to work on using my energy more productively.

#4 – Perhaps H never really loved me on a deep level. Maybe he did. If he didn’t, maybe he’s not capable, because his baggage got in the way. But, no amount of my worrying about this will change that we did have many good times together, and made 2 wonderful children. He was (and still is) a good provider financially. I was able to stay at home with the kids for many years. Regrets about never having that deep emotional connection with him are useless too. Sometimes I wonder if I had tried harder, instead of passing off his withdrawn self as H just being an introvert, whether we could have had a better emotional connection. But, I don’t think any of my efforts would have helped, because I have since realized that I AM capable of it, and have that kind of connection with many friends.

#3 - Forgiveness and bitterness. Just when I think I’ve gotten there, I realize I’m not quite yet. This is a work in progress. I know I will be free when I do get there. I want that.


I think a lot of what causes my anxiety might not be fear, but regret. Regret is useless too, isn’t it?

The story of Lot’s wife comes to mind. She had to be dragged to freedom during the destruction of Sodom, and was instructed to not look back. But, in Genesis 19: 24-26, she did just that, and became a pillar of salt. Lot’s wife looked back at a life that was, in her case, a life of depravity and self-indulgence. It’s no random act that God turned her into a pillar of salt. She was preserved looking back longingly at a life that God detested.

I don’t want to be like Lot’s wife, forever preserved in looking back at a past I can’t change with regret, unforgiveness, or bitterness.

No matter what you call it – fear, anxiety, or regret – it’s getting in the way of me being present for my journey. I think my journey has things hidden that, if discovered, will be pleasant surprises. I’m sure there will be discoveries that might not be so pleasant too, but I have friends and God to help me through them.

I want to experience my entire journey, and not miss it by looking back at the beginning or only have sites on the end.


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DnJ Offline
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Beautifully said.


Feelings are fleeting.
Be better, not bitter.
Love the person, forgive the sin.
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Grace21 Offline OP
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Journaling (con't).....

So, a few things have happened since my musings and post of yesterday.

First, as I've posted, I'm doing the 40 days of Purpose Driven Life. Today's reading was about love, trust, obey, and worship God even when we have no visible evidence of his work in our life. I'm reminded of my impatience, and trying to take matters out of God's hands into my own. If I love, trust, obey and worship God even in this time on uncertainty, I'd be living in the present enjoying my journey, wouldn't I?

Second, my church started a new sermon series last week for 6 weeks, and the pastor will preach on tough questions Christians ask. Today was "suffering". Why does God allow suffering? Sort answer is, he doesn't allow it, but through it we can become closer to God. He used Job's story. A few things I jotted down during the message:

1. God allows suffering only to the extent you reject Satan.
2. Suffering brings us closer to God.
3. Can you embrace living without an immediate answer?

I've got to put a bit more thought into #1, but certainly #2 applies to me. I've developed a close relationship with God since H moved out. #3 reminds me to be patient to let God do his work, because it will fit in his overall plan, and to live in the present and enjoy my journey, not worry about the end.

Third, my 28th wedding anniversary has been on my mind as it is coming up May 4.

I get a text from a friend this morning (it is one of our couples friends - I enjoy both of them, and have seen my girlfriend several times over the past months), inviting me to spend May 4 - 5th at their beach condo with them. How timely, and what a blessing to have that distraction. I'm reminded once again to live in the present and not dwell on the past with regret.

So my friends, I'm embracing today, and we'll just see what the rest of it brings.


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Quote
1. God allows suffering only to the extent you reject Satan.


I have a problem with this one. It makes people feel like bad stuff happens to them because they weren't good enough .
I prefer the Buddhist approach: "all suffering comes from desire".

As in, acceptance and appreciation for what you have are key. I apply it to my marriage by reminding myself that I got more good years out of my marriage than most, and three great kids. It's much better than focusing on the life I thought I would be having with my ex at this age.

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Grace21 Offline OP
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kml - I need to listen to the message again. I'm not sure why I jotted that particular item down. But, I do not believe it had anything to do with not being good enough. I believe it has more to do with people turn to God for guidance and peace when bad things happen. It can bring you closer to God. Looking at my marriage for the good I got out of it is wise advise, though. I would go through it all again for the reward of my 2 great kids.


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Journaling….

I woke up suddenly at 3 a.m. last night, and immediate thoughts of H was on my mind. No dreams that I know of. I never really went back to sleep, because my mind would not shut off the thought of H…..what is he doing, if he’s planning to live with OW, how much is he even seeing her? On and on. Pi**ed off at the past. Etc. Etc.

I don’t really know what triggered it. I usually sleep very well, and if thoughts of H pop in my mind, they are mostly short-lived. Why now? Perhaps it’s because we’ve had some text messages back and forth about his plans with the kids on Friday, our D19 minor medical issue, medical insurance issue etc. A few of his responses were a bit snarky. Perhaps the single life is getting to him a bit. Who knows? But, I’m mad my sleep was ruined because of thoughts of H.

Well, another day in which to regroup. Pick up S21 today. He’ll be home for about 10 days. It’s going to be awesome to have both kiddos under my roof!

I’ve got a full GAL schedule coming up for the weekend. Perhaps I already posted it, but, Happy hour with 2 different groups that just happen to be getting together at the same place Friday night, Boot Camp Saturday a.m., Beach with friends Saturday afternoon – Sunday. And an afternoon Cinco-de-mayo party on Sunday. I feel a bit bad leaving the kids Saturday – Sunday, but I’m sure they will just enjoy their time at home. D19 continues to love on me all the time, and wants to bake artisan bread with me on Saturday and hang out with a puzzle before I head to the beach. Love it!

Life is good!


M: 56
H: 57
S: 22
D: 20

H Moved out: 10/1/18
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