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Hope,

First of all, good on you for getting up and going out (dinner), because YOU wanted to go. You need to do more of this - Not because HE is coming around the house, or in order for HIM to see that you have a life and what not, but because YOU want to experience things and have desires here in life.

Something wrong with you? Oh dear sweetheart - Absolutely not. You are a human being, and one of the things that rewards us and at the same time hurts us in this world, is what sets us a side from the rest of the species inhabiting this planet - our ability to cognitively process every day decisions and our ability ro reflect upon goals and missed opportunities in life. This is a blessing, but in certain traumatic incidents in our lives, such as having ones foundation ripped from under ones feet, can be just too much to cope with, and it just fills the "cup".

How do we empty the cup? By allowing ourselves new experiences to take our minds off things that hurt, and they will in time hurt a little less, and then suddenly, not so much at all. So, I urge you to go out and fill that cup, even though it can be draining just getting up some days.

I get this feeling when I read through your journal, that divorce for you is the end - that you need to get him to turn around before this happens - I might be wrong - but if not then I am curious.

Are there some religious reasons behind you seeing divorce being the final nail in the coffin? Divorce is just a piece of paper, and if you dont want to give up, then you shouldn't have to - divorce regardless. But you need to come from a place of strength, and with your many concerns regarding how your husband is feeling, and how he is thinking, you are most likely not coming from there.

Show him, that you are capable of a life without him, because you were before you met him, and certainly you will be again - you already are.

Live life how you want to - dig deep down and feel yourself - who are you, and what do you want - not what does HE want.

If he comes around, it will be because he sees you for you, and it will be because he can see himself being with what he sees. not someone who adapted into his needs, but someone who loves themselves enough to not settle for less.

(Hugs)


BD: Wife says "its over" 11th august 2018.
EA: June 2018
PA: August 2018 - ongoing
Status: Taking turns 7 days a week to be in the house w. kids
WW: no regrets, seems happy with leaving.
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Originally Posted by HopeCA
Anyway he emailed me asking me to agree to not going after his small retirement savings, and in return he won’t go after my savings account I had when we were married.


If you had a savings account at the time you were married, whatever was in it is not marital property. If you've contributed to it since getting married then it gets tough to sort out because what was already in it is yours, but what you contributed to it after M is joint property.

Similarly, if any of his retirement was accrued before M then it's his, if after M it's joint property.

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I want to be smart and I want to protect myself. I also am not, at this point worried at all that he’s trying to take me for a ride.


Well, if all of your savings was yours before M, and all of his retirement was accrued after M, then yes he's trying to take you for a ride. But if you were both contributing to those accounts after M, then it's probably a fair split if the accounts are relatively equal. My XW and I both had 401K accounts, we had both started them before M and contributed to them throughout the M. Rather than try to figure out how to divide them up we just said "you keep yours and I'll keep mine" as it was way easier.

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Also— I read something in another forum about the Last Resort Technique and I’m wondering what sets that technique apart? I think I may be doing it already, but if there’s something I’m missing I’d like to implement it?


There's a chapter on it in DR, I definitely suggest you read it. LRT is pretty much just leaving him alone. No being his text buddy or shoulder to cry on or anything like that.

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When H and I last discussed it, all the reasons he had for getting a D is that he’s afraid to try again, that he can’t imagine being intimate again after all this time because he feels like it would be fake seeming (it probably would but I suspect we’d get past it quickly), that he feels it’s too risky for him and he might get hurt again, etc. I GET all of that and they are valid concerns. Am I nuts for feeling like those reasons all have a “I want to but...” ring to them?


The reason they have that "ring" to them is he wants you to stay on as Plan B. You don't want to be Plan B, and you don't want him thinking/ knowing you are Plan B. As long as you are Plan B you will never, ever graduate to Plan A. Remove yourself as an option and suddenly you become much more desirable. People want what they can't have.


Me: 60 w/ S18, D24, D27

M: 21 years; BD: 06-14-12; S: 09-10-12; D final: 03-17-14; XW:57
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I just want to do a quick thank you to everyone here. I’m deeply touched that complete strangers are here taking your own time to help and support me. Thank you.


All the advice I’m hearing here is showing me that I am not as detached as I think I am, and I’m notmaucceeding at showing him that he losing me. It’s not surprising giving the way I’m feeling, I guess I just hoped it would be a fake it til I make thing? Like I’m going through the actions to try to detach and not be present for him the way I was before. I will try to focus on changing my thoughts to be about me and not him, and maybe that will help me along. I DO NOT want to be plan b, and I do NOT want him thinking I will be. I need to get out of that mode, and I think what I’m hearing is that dressing up and going out when he’s here isn’t enough to achieve that haha.

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Hope - we all here feel the same ... complete strangers maybe, but we have all been / are still, where you are now and we know how terrifying and confusing it can be.

No, you are not detached enough. Our sitch's are similar yes, but the difference is I have accepted that he may never come back and am OK with that. I (mostly) don't base my actions on how it will affect him and I am able to act normal around him again.

It is more than dressing up nice and going out when he is there - it is dressing up nice and going out irrespective of whether he is there or not. It is dressing up and going out because you have someplace you want to go where you want to look good. And [censored] what he thinks about it.

The only way is to just start doing it. And this is where the faking it till you make it comes in. You need to force yourself to go out and participate in life again. When you're out you have to put him to the back of your mind. You will think about him frequently, but just tell your brain to stop, you Hope, are out having too much fun at the moment. When you're out you will want to go home - force yourself to stay out. This doesn't mean standing around in bars looking for men, but it does mean getting out of your comfort zone.

Focus on you. It is your healing that is important right now.


W40 (me), H40
M14, Together 16
D12, D9

BD Oct 17
Moved out Mar 18

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You are completely right. I have to stop thinking and talking about him all the time with my friends, and using so much energy focusing on what he might do or say in reaction to me. It’s truly exhausting and it’s giving away too much of myself. It’s also completely become my normal state so it will be a hard habit to break. I’m going to dinner with an old friend this evening and I’ve texted H to ask him to stay late after he puts our daughter to bed. I’m gonna give her a brief update and then let her know I don’t want to think or talk about him this evening. (I think I talk about it a lot for other people’s sake? They are all so concerned and I feel like I owe them updates. Which is NOT TRUE).
Thank you FS! You inspire me smile

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Enjoy your dinner Hope. You deserve a H free evening.

BTW - I stopped talking about my H IRL a long time ago. I might mention him occasionally, mainly to moan when his done something to p*ss me off or as an aside when I'm describing my weekend and some of the weekend included him. I do all my H related thinking here ... eventually I hope to get to a point when my journal entries don't have so much H in them.


W40 (me), H40
M14, Together 16
D12, D9

BD Oct 17
Moved out Mar 18

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You will know when you are detached. Its when your WS actions have zero impact on your emotions and decisions. Also, they react to it. My WW reacted negatively to me dropping the rope. She got uglier and kicked up the hate when the temperature checks didnt work.


M:16
T:21
H(me) 38
WW: 38
S11 D16 D19
Red Flags of A: March 2018
ILYBNILWY: August 4, 2018
Moved out of MBR: September 24, 2018
BD/Confirmation of A: October 31, 2018
D Filed: March 27, 2019
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Originally Posted by HopeCA
(I think I talk about it a lot for other people’s sake? They are all so concerned and I feel like I owe them updates. Which is NOT TRUE).


Yes - I have a few friends I only see once in a while, and every time the convo is dominated by H updates, and musing what his "issues" are. I have vowed to stop it. Some are initiated by me, but most want an update. Keeping it brief sounds like a good idea. After all. His issues do not define me or my current life.


M: 56
H: 57
S: 22
D: 20

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I’m checking in, and trying to reality check myself. I am focusing on (but not yet succeeding fully at) detaching. I felt really good when I let for my dinner on Tuesday, I focused on me and on my daughter and then on going and having fun with my friend, and it felt so good! I saw my H checking me out before I left, and when he saw me see him he winked at me super nervously and awkwardly. Who knows, but it gave me a boost. He lingered a bit when I got back but I didn’t bite. At my therapy session on Wednesday I told my therapist that I wanted to talk about anything but him, so that was new, ha!
Yesterday I took my daughter to the beach, always a favorite family activity for us. It was a lovely time, then at about 2 pm, I see my H walking up with his buddy and his surfboard (he’s a lifelong surfer). My heart sank and I was frozen in shock. He goes there a lot but I didn’t expect him in the middle of the work day. My daughter (she’s 3) was insanely excited to see him, he said hi to us and played with her for a moment. Then he casually asked if he could just take her from there when he was done surfing. It was his evening with him, but this was super irritating to me given the circumstances. Like I’m gonna turn my beach day with my daughter into waiting there for him to surf so I can hand her off?? I had so many emotions as he walked off to surf, but they didn’t matter because my daughter was beside herself. She was so upset, confused as to why he was there and not playing with her. She cried hysterically for an hour, just saying I want daddy over and over. It was absolutely heart breaking and I was (perhaps irrationally) PISSED. But as I was comforting my daughter on my way home, I realized that despite all of my valid feelings, he hadn’t in fact done anything “wrong” to me. I knew that when he came to my house afterward that he would be expecting me to be angry and punish him somehow. So I decided to flip the script. I comforted and talked to my daughter and got her settled. Then I freshened up, has a glass of wine and greeted him with a smile. He offered to pick up dinner and asked what I wanted, I thanked him kindly and let him know I’d be going out. He apologized to our daughter for upsetting her and to ME for leaving me to deal with it. This is basically UNPRECENDENTED. The man has apologized to me properly less than 5 times in the nearly 8 years I’ve known him. I thanked him and left. When I got back he was sitting rather close to me on the couch, casually chatting with me about an article he’d read. He said to my daughter “ you smell really good, like coconut” and I said oh actually that’s me and he seemed embarrassed. I’ve been wearing the same scent for about 20 years so I’m fairly sure he knew it was me but who knows. He left after Daughters bed time without mentioning anything divorce related, and that alone felt like a small victory.
Now I just need to be VERY careful not to attach any meaning to any of this and keep myself free of expectations. It is very very difficult and leaves me feeling like...I don’t know how to feel, I suppose.

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I’m realizing that the hardest part of detaching for me, maybe the hardest part of all of this, is the stress of the inevitable lows after feeling good and strong. I realize the irony because if I were fully detached, none of it would really get me down.
I woke up feeling sensitive and cranky, and I could feel myself being a bit sensitive and cranky with my H this morning when he got here to be with our daughter. My sensitivity was putting me into old patterns of over analyzing and misinterpreting his expressions and responses to me. We had a semi tense exchange, but we both stayed calm. I could feel myself getting triggered and getting upset at thinking he was having negative thoughts about me and our exchange. I started imagining him telling himself “see nothings changed, here we are arguing” and my anxiety started building wondering if he will want to talk about divorce stuff again this evening. I took a moment in my bedroom to breathe, then came out and did my best quick recovery turn around. He did come to me and squeezed my shoulder apologized if he’d given me the impression he was upset with me and assured me I hadn’t done anything wrong. I had to keep myself from crying and told him he hadn’t done anything either and that I was just in a cranky mood.
It got repaired quickly and as well as could be expected, I just feel knocked off my horse and kind of shaken and anxiety ridden.
My therapist often talks to me about keeping myself in a box in which i feel that if I don’t “keep quiet and don’t have any feelings and be good” that maybe he’ll love me again. I know that’s not loving to myself, it’s not sustainable or realistic or even desirable. I need to be me and I need to be human. I just haven’t figured out how to detach enough yet to feel that it’s ok to do so and let the cards fall as they may. I’m trying but I’m not there yet. I want to figure out how to get my power back before I see him again this evening, so that I can feel strong and confident. UGH.

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