Got a life, now what?

[97Hope]

So I was lied to. H was telling me and oldest S27 that when S17 was at his apartment, he found some creamer in the fridge and was very concerned and asked him about it. H said that he told him it was in the apartment when he moved in. H was 'laughing' and telling me this. "you know he was looking all over the apartment" he also mentioned that S17 found some plastic wine glasses in the bathroom and that it seemed to bother him.

It struck me that he would keep creamer in the fridge if it wasn't him (he has lived there 2 months) but I didn't say anything.

Anyway...by sheer dumb "luck" I was shopping online at the grocery store and I noticed past purchases. March 1 - he bought hazelnut creamer.

He does NOT drink the stuff. Looked at the total purchase and he bought the usual things he eats, but also bought a bottle of wine. He does drink wine on occasion, but the creamer is weird.

I don't know if i can or need to explain to you guys here, but that creamer was for someone. And why in the world he lied about buying it can only lead me to think he's got a "friend".

My question is, do I ask about it?

I don't want to. TBH, if there is a friend, It doesn't change my standing today. I might feel differently tomorrow, but I'm allowing myself to process it.

At this point I don't know. I am not interested in investigating anything. I would not be surprised if he had someone. EA or PA wouldn't matter to me. I would file for D if I found out for sure.

Is it weird that I'm not losing my mind? We've been in house S for 2 years, he moved out Feb 1 this year. He has not mentioned D - says he doesn't want one. MLC in full effect although I couldn't tell you which stage he is in because Ive been trying very hard to focus on my own journey. That takes all my effort.

Bottom line: do you think I should tell him I know that he lied? Should I just come out and ask about the stupid creamer? Should I relax and just let whatever happens happen? Will I find out for sure naturally?

Thanks for any advice.
Stay well, friends.

[FlySolo]

Hi Hope

I am not sure what asking him would achieve. He will likely lie, then defensive, then twist it so that you are at fault for snooping. It will not go well.

Hope - He more than likely had someone over. It was more than likely a woman. But it could have been a mate. You don't know. They get real secretive even about the things they don't need to be secretive about.

I found out my H started dating about 7 months after he MO - I ran into them on a date. It was awful. It brought back all the same confusion, pain and anguish of the initial BD. But, after much soul searching (and a less than dignified confrontation) I decided dating was something he needed to do as part of whatever journey he is on. How was he ever going to work out if the grass is greener if he doesn't walk on the grass?

I don't know where the dating led too. I suspect it led to no-where. But either way I left him to it.

He will try on the single suit to see if it fits irrespective of whether you confront him or not. If you push him on it he will just get better at hiding it.

Carry on with your life.

[harvey]

I found out my H started dating about 7 months after he MO - I ran into them on a date. It was awful. It brought back all the same confusion, pain and anguish of the initial BD. But, after much soul searching (and a less than dignified confrontation) I decided dating was something he needed to do as part of whatever journey he is on. How was he ever going to work out if the grass is greener if he doesn't walk on the grass?

I don't know where the dating led too. I suspect it led to no-where. But either way I left him to it.

That is mature, but an interesting dichotomy for me. On the one hand, what you say is true. Maybe they would realize the grass isn't greener (maybe it is). However, I struggle with it. Would I want to reconcile with somebody who only wants me back because they couldn't find anybody better?

[FlySolo]

Harvey - For me it isn't coming back because they couldn't find anyone better, its the realization that there isn't anyone better.

[97Hope]

Solo, I took your advice and left it alone. I feel good about that choice. Had an amazing week with our oldest S and DIL and grand kids.

They know that he has an apt down the street. I didn't discuss it with them much. just answered questions they had as best I could and then we just had FUN.

We are going to see kids in another state next week. Traveling together. Haven't decided where I want to sleep yet (we booked one room).

He has been telling me lately how attractive my happiness is and how jealous he is of it. I just say things like "I know you will find your joy again" and try and encourage without telling him how or what it would take. That is hard because I've known him for more than 1/2 my life. But I've learned that nothing I say helps him.

Best take away from this group is that we are both on our own journeys.

Finding that when I just do the best I can, live my life, take care of myself and let the chips fall where they may helps. It's when I start peeking at him that I feel like I start to sink.

Thanks, Solo for the advice. I truly appreciate it. Sometimes feels like I'm a weirdo for not investigating and getting to the bottom of things but when I'm honest with my self, I realize that my life cannot be centered on what he is or isn't doing. The truth will out and I will handle it at that point. In the meantime. I am def focused on living my life.

[97Hope]

Journaling.

Went on a family trip together with our S17 to see grands and S27 & DIL26. I got one room with two beds. He asked me on the first night to sleep with him. (s17 stayed with S & DIL). I did. Don't regret it.

Nothing new. Just more of the same. Had a fantastic weekend but when we got back to house, he left quite quickly to his apt.

didn't surprise me at all, I think it's because I have zero expectations. He told our S27 that he just needed space but didn't want divorce. I don't believe that. I think he still wants a D, but I'm focusing on my new job (2 months now still love it for the most part) and GAL. That is stilll challenging. I'm pretty exhausted after the work day and commute back and forth.

Thinking of ideas in that department.

I'm not as full of joy full time, but I'm surprisingly content and emotionally peaceful. So thankful for all of you here.

Blessings

[97Hope]

Well, yesterday it happened. (again) H said that he has re-engaged with the attorney and is filing for a D "soon". Asked him what he meant by soon and he said he didn't know. I asked, "next week?" he said "I don't think he will have everything prepared by then". He cried when he left the house. Trying not to cheer him up. I failed. I texted with him most of the night. Send him a bible verse and told him he was going to be ok.

I think I need to stop "being there for him". VERY difficult. 23 is a long time to just not be there. I usually just leave him alone and only answer when he texts etc (short answers)

So bizarre. We went to Cali last weekend and it was like our old days. At least I have a great memory of 'us'.

I will miss him.

Heavy heart but I'm doing ok. Praying a lot and reading the bible. Tornado came close to my office today and everyone was super freaked out, but you know, I had a very difficult time worrying about nature when my family is about to implode.

So sad for me and the boys and dil's and grands.

He said he hasn't told him. I'm not telling them. That's on him.

Any advice between the BD and court? Also, I still don't feel like my M is over. What is that about?

[97Hope]

Without fail, he goes out of time and texts me while he's gone. Apparently he was shopping for sunglasses, sent me a pic and asked what I thought.

Last night He texted a selfie of he and his cousin. Just out of the blue at 9pm.

I responded, give everyone a big hug.

He still hasn't told everyone. I think that's very odd. Not our kids or anyone else in the family. Guess he's waiting until the D is final?

I'm going to go to a new church tomorrow so I can sit with someone I know. I'm tired of going and sitting alone.

I'm sad but hanging in there. Crying off an on. Mostly off. I don't think I can talk to anyone but one friend and she has 3 kids at home, so she's busy and I can't talk all day about this. But I"m super lonely.

[97Hope]

So I went to church with my friend today, a couple that has been married for 50 years renewed their vows before the sermon. It was not announced, just kind of happened.

I wanted to run out of there. My heart is just shattered today. I hurt everywhere. I can't eat and keep waking up throughout the night.

I stayed. It was a beautiful ceremony. short and sweet. Pastor mentioned that they wanted to renew because they had just come through some very difficult times.

I am happy for them. Hugged the bride after the service and told her that I was happy for her. She must have noticed something because she said, take heart. It's not easy. It's a lot of work! Don't give up.

I wish I could have periodic amnesia sometimes.

Feeling so much today.

Praying it gets better.

[97Hope]

Not in the physical pain that I was sunday and monday but this knot in my belly needs to GO!

Stayed busy this week.

A LOT of chaos with my s17. Realized i'm still way too focused on my H and not on my S. So I'm shifting gears.

H has been coming over a lot and texting (still). I've been avoiding him when possible. Difficult with my S going through so much.

Planning a vacay just the S17 & 1. He needs it, I need it. I hate that he is hurting over the problems of his parents as well as 2 very traumatic events these past 2 weeks. H says he wants to 'be there for him'. I said, then work on the M. That is a choice you could make. He didn't respond. (whoops). I know I shouldn't have, but whatever. Once in a while, I still seem to lob over a suggestion.

If you pray, please say one for us.