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Grace21 Offline OP
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bubbs16 - No. I've seen this, and it's very informative. I even copied it into a document for future reference. But, I'm looking for the "stages" the MLC goes through. Denial, Anger, Replay....I've seen a few articles on the internet, but wanted to know if there was a good one on this board. Thanks!


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DnJ Offline
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Try this one:

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2484776

It still has the original timelines which HB then later discarded, as she learned they’re not really close to accurate. Each and MLCer will go through at their own pace.


Feelings are fleeting.
Be better, not bitter.
Love the person, forgive the sin.
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DnJ Offline
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Good Morning Grace

His TY - Text for Thank You.

These MLCer behave, think, and have the emotional response of a teenager.


Originally Posted by Grace21
”Try” definitely sets one up for failure. I will change…….

Excellent! I “will” change smile


Originally Posted by Grace21
His trips to the house as if a ghost, pulling away from his kids and certainly me, says volumes. He doesn’t want us in his life now. His reasons are his, and my genuine concern for him will not change this.

Beautifully seen, written, and understood. This is genuine, sincere, and from the heart and mind. Well done.


Originally Posted by Grace21
As for blocking OW. I did that long ago, but I can/could still see what she puts up for public view. If there is a way to never see even public things, I don’t know how to do it.


Did you add OW to the list of blocked users? Or just unfriend her?

A blocked user is completely hidden from you, and you from them. You will not interact. You will not see any posting or information about them, public or otherwise. If you search for them, it will be like they don’t even have an account. Even pictures that were tagged with them (not likely for OW, just explaining) will disappear from your view.

It is the same for them from their side of the screen regarding you. The blocked user will not see anything about you, like as if you deleted your account.

It isn’t completely perfect. I was investigating the blocking feature while writing this, trying to look up stuff from XW. It does work as above. It even blocks “likes” on posts from years ago. However, her comments on other people’s “likes” did still show up. When clicking on her icon, it brings up just her profile picture and blank page, no information, and no where to go from there. So 99% blocked, pretty good.

To block:

It is a bit different depending on the device. This is for an iPad Pro.

<Menu>
<Settings & Privacy>
<Settings>
Under “Privacy” <Blocking>
You are then at the block user interface. Here you can search and then block / unblock a specific person. Also it lists all currently blocked users.


Originally Posted by Grace21
I won’t go to her page at all. (did I say that right, DnJ???) smile

It has positive and affirming intent. It recognizes and acknowledges the “what” you are going to do. So yes, well “said”. I also imagine you stating it in a defiant manner, like a challenge to yourself, and too me actually. Like a pledge.

If this was a more difficult habit or addiction you were working on breaking or changing, it reinforces the very idea you’re attempting to change. Let me use the above as an example.

Yes, the statement is good. Action, direction, clear.

Imagine you are fighting a very difficult habit. We all have with this MLC and our emotional responses. So you are fighting, really hard, to follow your pledge.

It is mid afternoon and you are feeling low and want to peak at OW’s page. But no! I made a pledge.

I won’t go to her page at all!
I won’t go to her page at all!
I won’t go to her page at all!
I won’t go to her page at all!

For a mind wanting to snoop or peak, reading that, hearing that from inside your own head, “Her Page” is really on your mind now. The “won’t” gets lost in the noise.

It becomes a matter of shear will power at that point. And we are ill equipped at first, remember we are working on breaking the habit - will power hasn’t work up to now, and it is unlikely to work anytime really soon. We have to use our strengths and come at this from a different angle.

I know you have will power, and you are a strong person. It is why you are here, strong enough to do the hard work. So, no question of your strength. However, this is battling your mind. The subconscious part, the habits, the behaviours. We do not have direct control over those, only influence.

We are fixer - so fix this. Control what you can control. Focus on something else, and conciously do it. Let your subconscious accept this new behaviour and let go of the “need” to snoop. You cannot force it consciously head on.

This is part of that - things will be revealed when you stop looking for them.

I really didn’t know what I was going to write, just started - so I apologize for the length. I am sure you realize I am speaking to much more than just snooping. So back to it.

Our needs and desires to snoop are fueled from fear. Fear is a debilitating and paralyzing force. It is based on self backfeeding emotional responses from possible future events. It is the uncontrolled irrational response to something that might happen. If that something happens, there is nothing to be afraid of anymore. We then just deal with the aftermath.

We have to detach our fears - uncouple the irrational emotional response from the possible event or trigger. Why do you want to snoop? Find the fear. It is based on something. It is real, acknowledge it.

This will break the fear into two parts. The irrational emotional side and the event. You control your thoughts. Get in that intellectual car and reason out why you snoop. See the future event that causes the fear, with out emotion. This rationalizes it. This breaks the emotional irrational connection to that event. This lets go of the fear. And this takes practice and time to accomplish.

Back to your positive actions. Elevate them a step away from what it is you are working at changing. Make your action something that has less or no emotional response to your habit or behaviour. Remember this is a battle with your mind. When you feel the pull towards snooping:

I won’t go to her page at all. (It’s ok. But easy to slip on to her page.)

I won’t unblock her. (Good. No reference to the page, but still has her.)

I won’t open Facebook. (Better. No reference to page, no mention of her or H, and no chance to even see them. Still has a negative action - hard to get rid of that. And to be honest it is needed in a lot of situations.)

I will bake some bread. ( smile )

Hmmm. I havn’t cleaned a closet in a while. I think I’ll get another one done.

Obviously, those have positive actions and no reference whatsoever to “what” you are battling. Completely letting your subconscious mind work on letting go, with no reinforcing feedback from you or your actions.


I am going out for a bloody steak, and think about my wise and thoughtful good friend DnJ! (The absolute best!) lol.


- - - -

Originally Posted by Grace21
As for taking H off the phone. All our bills are still joint – auto insurance, phone, electric, gas, etc. I plan to leave it alone for now. He hasn’t even gotten an apartment yet. Just staying in airbnbs. He can't even commit to signing a lease anywhere. Maybe that will change May 1. Who knows? For now I plan to let him drive how detached he wants to be from our previous life. I might change my mind next month or never, but I’m not there yet.

Why?

I want to be clear, I am not saying you need to do anything. I totally see and understand you are not there yet.

Just something for you to challenge yourself on, to grow on. How does this serve you? He moved out 6 months ago.

Fear.

I care and am here. Think about it. I’ll be available when you are ready to discuss.

The house visits and the feeling of violation is a similar thing. That doesn’t serve you. It matters, and you are starting to question things. This is not about his legal rights of entry to the home. I am looking at you, your acceptance, your feelings, your detchament - not his.

- - - -

I am glad S21 told you about wanting to see a therapist for anxiety/panic attacks. Really good he feels safe and will ask for help from you.

It’s wonderful that D19 is excited to see you. Of course she misses you. smile

You are a blessed woman Grace. Have a happy Easter.


Really would like to have a steak dinner.

DnJ


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Grace21 Offline OP
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DnJ - as usual, you have given me much to think about. i had a wonderful several hours with the kid, and am now in the hotel room alone. I was glad the kids didn't mention their dad too much, but S21 wanted to know if H would come with us for the Mother's Day celebration they are planning. i told them they would have to ask their dad. Anyway, back to DnJs challenging questions to work out. I will respond to one now, as I have to spend some time thinking about a lot of things.

Originally Posted by DnJ


Originally Posted by Grace21
As for taking H off the phone. All our bills are still joint – auto insurance, phone, electric, gas, etc. I plan to leave it alone for now. He hasn’t even gotten an apartment yet. Just staying in airbnbs. He can't even commit to signing a lease anywhere. Maybe that will change May 1. Who knows? For now I plan to let him drive how detached he wants to be from our previous life. I might change my mind next month or never, but I’m not there yet.

Why?

I want to be clear, I am not saying you need to do anything. I totally see and understand you are not there yet.

Just something for you to challenge yourself on, to grow on. How does this serve you? He moved out 6 months ago.

Fear.

I care and am here. Think about it. I’ll be available when you are ready to discuss.

The house visits and the feeling of violation is a similar thing. That doesn’t serve you. It matters, and you are starting to question things. This is not about his legal rights of entry to the home. I am looking at you, your acceptance, your feelings, your detchament - not his.

- - - -



Why don't I just tell him I want to separate everything? Fear? Made me think what I could be afraid of. Well, I am comfortable financially the way things are. In fact, they are about the same as if H was still in the house, or for me even better maybe. We actually have more in the bank because we aren't going out every weekend spending on too much food and drink. He doesn't say one word about the money. His checks go into our joint account (he makes 3x more than me). I manage it all. I kind of like it. If i said "I think it's time we separate everything to reflect our true separation" or something like that, then what will happen to my financial comfort? There. That's my fear. I'm comfortable, and I don't want to take the chance to make me uncertain or uncomfortable financially. I want to be in that state only if forced to be.

As for visits to the house, I think that will need to be addressed. Soon. I don't like it. If he doesn't want to live there, he needs to visit, not come and go as he pleases. I need to think about it a bit more, though.

So, there you have it. I think that about sums it up.


I think that's enough contemplating for tonight. I think I'll watch something on Netflix and have a beer.

Happy Easter to everyone!


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Quote
If i said "I think it's time we separate everything to reflect our true separation" or something like that, then what will happen to my financial comfort? There. That's my fear.


This is why you should have a consultation with an attorney. Not to start a divorce, but to find out what the likely financial outcome for you would be IF you were to divorce.

Knowledge is power. You might discover that between child and spousal support you would be ok. Or you might find that you are best off this way for now and start planning how to increase your income in the future.

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Well said Grace!

What a great answer.

This situation does serve you. Your answer is all about how it works for you, and how you want it. And an uncertain financial future certainly doesn’t need to arrive any sooner than needed or if forced upon you.

You are a well grounded and thoughtful person, as if there was any doubt.

Hmmm. Movie and beer. Yum.

DnJ


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Grace21 Offline OP
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Originally Posted by kml
This is why you should have a consultation with an attorney. Not to start a divorce, but to find out what the likely financial outcome for you would be IF you were to divorce.

Knowledge is power. You might discover that between child and spousal support you would be ok. Or you might find that you are best off this way for now and start planning how to increase your income in the future.


I've met with 2 attorneys. i have done spreadsheets on all the financials. I am quite confident I will be quite o.k. if we divorce. So, that is not an issue. I think it's more like I don't want to potentially wake up a sleeping dragon. I'm not ready to file for a divorce, I am moving forward with my life, so there is not great reason to change things now. Thanks for stopping by and weighing in on this, though. I value everyone's input.

Last edited by Grace21; 04/21/19 01:26 AM.

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Glad you are on top of it. It's the rare WAS who will be that generous for long but some do. Just be extra careful that he isn't spending marital assets or kids' college funds and that he's not running up debts you could be liable for.

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Originally Posted by kml
Just be extra careful that he isn't spending marital assets or kids' college funds and that he's not running up debts you could be liable for.


He seems to be sticking with his $1000/month he takes out (not including rent).

I think I've been on top of it. I go into our joint CC daily, look at all the investments monthly, and run a credit check on him about every 2 weeks to make sure there are no loans. And I'm the only one that controls the kids college fund.
If you think of anything else I should do, please let me know!


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