I replayed BD for a long time - beat the h@ll out of myself. I certainly would have done some things differently and have made those changes. In the beginning I prayed that it was an affair. That would hurt like h@ll but I could grab onto it. As the months passed, little by little I started to realize this was so much more than anything I ever did. I think that is one of the hardest parts of MLC, it takes times and tidbits of signs to get a diagnosis. It’s the opposite of a straight forward affair. It’s Alzheimer’s, not a broken arm.
Another therapy session tidbit - she complained that “I was quiet” on a day trip 15 years ago. I barely recall the day, and she has an open wound from it. Then you think how many wounds she has from mundane stuff and realize she has zero coping skills and has been grinning and bearing it forever.
As far as LBS strength - I could pull the space shuttle on the Moon with a rope without a space suit. I have my bad days, still do, but I am even more centered and grounded than before.
Last edited by job; 04/21/1910:16 PM. Reason: edited several words
They will remember things from the past that you have forgotten about. Yes, their memory is somewhat like an Alzheimer's patient. It is all about the past and what they had in the present is slowly fading away and buried deep within their soul for a very long time.
It's interesting how they never tell the lbs about the things that bother them or that they are unhappy until the BD. MLC takes a long time to build up to, but if they haven't been able to navigate their teens, early 20's and 30's, then a serious MLC will surely come about.
It really isn't about you or what you've said or done. It's their journey to take and you weren't invited on that journey w/them. Be glad that you weren't. It's a very painful and emotional one for them. They lash out at the ones that they love because they know that we are stronger than they are and can take it. Dig deeper for patience. Learn as much as you can about depression and MLC.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Job - debt free, woo hoo! That was my goal too but I'm still shy of that goal - an unexpected several extra years of paying for kids' colleges slowed that down, plus some other things.
But I'm positioned to be ok retiring even if I don't get my house paid off (mortgage payment is relatively small, and my house is worth 3 times what I still owe). I don't plan to retire yet but it's good knowing I could.
My W sat me down for 20 minutes and lambasted me for the way I chew, comb my hair, wear my socks, park my car crooked in the garage, etc. ... the strangest thing was something I said on a date 14 years ago. Then something I wore to a party 8 years ago. The MLC mind is something medical science could study, and I'm sure funding would run out. It is bizarre and you've only seen the tip of the iceberg.
BD may haunt you for a while. You'll get to a point in which you don't get emotional over it. There may always be wonderment about if your actions/reactions may have changed things. But when you see this process play out you'll discover nothing can change the course.
My W sat me down for 20 minutes and lambasted me for the way I chew, comb my hair, wear my socks, park my car crooked in the garage, etc. ... the strangest thing was something I said on a date 14 years ago. Then something I wore to a party 8 years ago. The MLC mind is something medical science could study, and I'm sure funding would run out. It is bizarre and you've only seen the tip of the iceberg.
BD may haunt you for a while. You'll get to a point in which you don't get emotional over it. There may always be wonderment about if your actions/reactions may have changed things. But when you see this process play out you'll discover nothing can change the course.
Stay strong. You're doing well.
My w didn't go back that far but she def had some weird things. You dont travel enough she said thats why im done with our marriage cause u dont travel enough. Then another was a year ago we were at the gym together and she was talking to some guy and dancing to the music that was playing and came back by me to get on the treadmill. I remember i said something but i made a joke about her dancing not her flirting with some dude. She brought that up and said remember that time at gym you made a joke when i was talking to that guy thats just who i am she said. I didn't say a word about ya and you were legit flirting witha guy right in front of my face. They really do have some crazy things they remember/say . it truly is incredible.
jobs, thanks for sharing your situation. Wow, seems like your spouse was really in it for the long run if not a permanent state of mind. Hope mine recovers quicker as she is dragging our kid with her. For his sake.
As to the old memories and little things they complained about I also have them. Seems once she has painted me as the bad guy, she will try to find anything that sticks to support her theory. Another thing my IC told me is not to pay attention to those things they say. They are lies, not the real issue. They are - most of the time- in the throws of another fantasy love life (affair) and will say anything. The IC actually told me he laughs inside when he hears spouses complain about the way their partner combs their hair, cause he knows they have lost love and respect for that person and are most likely in another love.
B.D in December 2018 Physical Affairs discovered in April 2019 Divorced May 2019 H (me) 49 W (her) 29
Oh I'm good, thanks for asking. Just living my life without worry of her or hers. She still wants a D and keeps asking for me to schedule time with a mediator. I've asked her to separate finances, but she seems to be reluctant and isn't doing anything about that. In general, anything that is a To Do on her list for me is micromanaged and anything I ask her To Do doesn't get done or even looked at.
She is definitely h@llbent on a D. I just wonder what will happen when that day comes and her problems aren't solved.
She does seem much calmer. We seem to be out of the anger stage which was about six months of nastiness, but then again I haven't given or engaged in anything that could be turned into a tiff. I'm just done with that.
It's those little odd things though - - this weekend she asked me to fix our electric fence since she can't seem to keep our dog in the yard. Even though she is actively looking at rentals and doesn't want the dog. I'm like "why do you care, aren't you outta here?" - some weeks she will put a kids activities on my calendar, other times just on hers. - txt/emails are sometimes incoherent.
Kids are good. My son started flag football today. I signed up to be the coach, knowing it was the only way to get him on the field. He loved it. We had a great time together.
I do wish she would stop buffing her face with chemical peels and laser treatment. It's not helping.
Last edited by job; 04/29/1903:21 PM. Reason: edited a word
In general, anything that is a To Do on her list for me is micromanaged and anything I ask her To Do doesn't get done or even looked at.
Yeah, that sounds about typical. Their minds are like Swiss cheese. Something they want is most important, everything else - hardly a thought. It shows up in those little things, incoherent texts, half done schedules, and such.
You are so correct, what happens when her divorce doesn’t solve her problems. Still, not much you can do, she is hellbent on a D, just let her do the heavy lifting.
I am glad your son joined flag football, and you decided to coach. I’m sure it will be a lot of fun for both of you.
Originally Posted by Label
I do wish she would stop buffing her face with chemical peels and laser treatment. It's not helping.
Lol. OMG. Isn’t that the truth.
They seem to get stuck on something, like chemical peels, and become obsessive towards them, towards the benefits of whatever it is.
My W obsessively took up exercising. Getting up two hours early, and working out. Riding her bike all day. Working in the garden all day. She wore herself down to a thin little woman - far too skinny and unhealthy. Something to do with pushing off mortality, in her poor mind.
They do a lot in the pursuit of youth, and lose so much in the process.
DnJ
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
My husband spent 3300 US$ for member ship of a gym, bought a lot of outfitter that are ugly(sorry), own money to the bank and have to pay the interest... he went wild, want to make new friends, young boys and girls, go party, drinking all weekend. Honestly, I would laugh at this man if he is not my husband, but I was grieving cause I hardly recognized my husband at that time
Label, focus on you and the children, get a life, give her time/space !
