Just tell her your plans are to take care of yourself and your boys, otherwise don't respond to her probing.
I’ve said something to this extent, as well—something along the lines of ‘I want to create the best future / life possible for me and the boys,’ and it’s driven her nuts because she wants to know specifics. When she presses me, I repeat myself.
Originally Posted by Twofeet
Also, remember this is just mediation its not set in stone. If YOU don't agree with something, if it compromises YOUR values then don't settle.
The custody / visitation that L proposes look fair enough, I suppose. I didn’t see anything about W maintaining full / primary custody while YS breast-feeds, which I consider good for me.
Originally Posted by Twofeet
You can negotiate, but capitulation won't win her back or get her on your side. This a big step in fighting for what your future and your boys future will look like post-D. Good Luck. I will say a prayer for you.
I appreciate the good thoughts / prayers, TF.
I’m not looking to win her back or get her on my side. She gave up that consideration when she brought up separation, and especially now with being served D papers.
During a recent discussion with W, she talked about how she wants me ‘to be a partner, whatever happens between us,’ and blah blah blah.
I told her, straight up, that I’m willing to be a co-parent with her, but I’m not looking to be her friend.
Internally, my thoughts have been I can make friends; I wanted a wife.
FWIW, during a session with LMFT on Monday, his impression of W was that she seems to be ‘naive’ about all this, and believes that all this can be done super easily, with little to no effects or mess. I do have the impression that W thought I would cave and give in and do whatever she wanted, and so far, I pretty much haven’t. I’ve gone so far off her supposed script for me that it really has to bother her, but whatever to what she thinks. I’ve given up a lot for her during our MR, but that has stopped with her talk of S / D.
I am so, so glad and so, so grateful for the advice from my L, as well as the people here, on turning down / rejecting her original bird-nesting arrangement, because I think about how much extra time that has given me under the roof with our 2 boys (she first proposed it in early January, it’s now mid-April, so I’ve had an extra 3.5 months that I wouldn’t have had with them if I just caved in to her original demands).
That’s not the way this works—since my hand is being forced, now I want to play for keeps.
I’ve also been much more mindful recently of what a post-D life will look like; it will be interesting, and hopefully better than what came before. I went swimming and took OS to the pool at our complex this past Sunday—I took off my wedding band before we went in, so I wouldn’t lose it like I almost did at my school’s pool a couple of weeks ago. It was off for a couple of hours before I even noticed it was missing, and once I did, I kept it off until I went to work / school the next morning.
Whatever our problems have been during our MR, I did not want D, or even ask for it. But since she’s asked for it, I will give her the freedom that she supposedly wants, and not anything more than I am legally entitled to give.
Good Luck Bo. Im sorry things didn't work out for you. But im glad you decided to stand strong on your identity, your principles, and your values. Someone else will come along that appreciates them, and for who you are. I hope you transition well.
Good Luck Bo. Im sorry things didn't work out for you. But im glad you decided to stand strong on your identity, your principles, and your values. Someone else will come along that appreciates them, and for who you are. I hope you transition well.
Thanks, IHC. I’ve been trying to stand strong on who I am, and what I believe.
I also do hope that, in time, someone else will appreciate my values, and who I am, and not just what I can give her or do for her. I was explaining some recent developments to a retiring, divorced / remarried / annulled female co-worker, and she told me that I deserve so much better, and that I really need to find someone who will be so much better for me. In time, yes—though I know that I am nowhere close to dating right now (and I told her as much).
Thanks for the support! I’ll try to hit some of the highlights below.
In mediation yesterday, W came up with a parenting schedule for the next 2 full months. She reiterated to me and the mediator that she fully intends on moving out on May 2 (more on that later). She outlined who gets who when, and wanted YS full-time because of breastfeeding. The reasoning behind that for her is that milk production is the best when he nurses—can’t get the same with a pump.
My response? I told her and the mediator that I also want joint custody—but that when I have the boys, I have both of them, 50% of the time, including YS. (Basically, what LH said in a post—make it ‘crystal fuching clear’ that I would not budge off 50/50.) I then propose what my L drew up, with regards to custody / visitation (a 2/2/3 schedule), and her and the mediator looked it over. W would be willing to be without YS for at most one night because she is concerned about the milk supply—but then after thinking it over, she proposed the following: That when I have YS for 3 straight nights, that she comes over to the condo, has dinner with us, breastfeeds YS, helps put the boys to bed, and then when the boys are in bed / asleep, she leaves. I told her that that sounds reasonable, but that I would have to run it past L to make sure that it sounds kosher. W acknowledged that this could lead to some attachment issues for her and the boys (‘why does Mommy not stay?’). While that would [bleep], it would be temporary, and unfortunately, I find it to be one of several, natural consequences of a D. This is what happens, so we would have to deal. Feel free to wail away with 2x4’s if this sounds like cake-eating on her part.
I’m guessing that we only really agreed to the next 2 months, it looks like. Mediator looked over L’s proposal, and she said it sounds pretty standard.
My thoughts on her supposedly moving out on May 2nd? Well, they are myriad, and I’m probably caring about this way more than I should. To be fair, she said earlier this month that she would be out in a week—hasn’t happened. At various points this winter (from January onward) she said she would leave and up and take the boys—hasn’t happened. Very few of her threats have come to pass so far. I know—BELIEVE NOTHING THEY SAY.
So, May 2nd is a full work-day for me—school, and then I’m chaperoning our prom that night, so in reality if she does leave, then I would come home late that night to a house devoid of everyone—that would be her first night with the boys, supposedly. Also, she would have the full day to move her stuff out—whatever she is taking. Either it’s really smart of her to do it then, or it’s rather cowardly on her part since she doesn’t have to face me, but I guess on the flipside, it could serve to spare me emotionally.
Supposedly, she doesn’t want much from our current residence—except for some ‘family’ items of heirloom quality. I’m guessing she would take her stuff (clothes, personal effects, etc.), some family possessions, as well as the dressers for the boys (belonged to her and her sister), as well as a long bookcase her dad made. I would keep the crib, OS’ bed, our couch and loveseat (both of which I’ve wanted to replace for a long time, tbh) and our current bed (king-size memory-foam bed heck yeah!). (Kinda like the line from the Kelly Clarkson song—the bed feels warmer, sleeping here alone. I know this next thought is contrary to my values, and I shouldn’t concern myself with dating anytime soon, but my thought then went to—well, plenty of room and comfort for whoever next sleeps in that bed next to me! Okay, I’m done there.)
We’re inside of 2 weeks from this ‘deadline,’ and I haven’t seen much evidence of her packing stuff up yet. I know—I shouldn’t be concerned about what she does—rather, I should be concerned about what I’m going to do next. Where I’m concerned is with respect to the lease on our current place. We are both on the lease, and while I’m sure the lease would be assigned to me when things go final in the decree / judgment and assignment of assets / debts / obligations, I do wonder what her liability for that will be from the time she moves out until the decree / judgment is final. This is most likely a question for L.
This is just me venting / journaling, but: With her taking very little of what we have, what that means is that she is getting stuff and furnishings from someone / somewhere else. TF told me earlier to not worry about this, and he’s right—but man, I do wonder who will be paying for the stuff in her new place. Her mom? Her dad? Someone else? Like in most of our MR, someone bails her out. Shouldn’t worry about it, but it’s just unreal.
I then wonder about telling the kids, then, in the next 2 weeks. Obviously I do want to be part of the convo, but I’m gonna let her set this up—she wants this, so she will need to drive the train on this.
I’m sure there’s more, but this is for starters. Thanks for the well-wishes, everyone!
Glad to hear the negotiations went well Bo! I'm surprised your W backed off the insistence that she keep YS full time. It sounds like she knew you were going to object (I think you had mentioned it before) and had already formulated another option. That's good, shows that she is taking you seriously and not just trying to walk all over you.
Glad to hear the negotiations went well Bo! I'm surprised your W backed off the insistence that she keep YS full time. It sounds like she knew you were going to object (I think you had mentioned it before) and had already formulated another option. That's good, shows that she is taking you seriously and not just trying to walk all over you.
Thanks, AS.
I’ve said in the forum before that her having YS full-time would be unacceptable to me, and I’m sure I’ve said it to her, as well.
I also wonder if my L told her L something similar—that the judge wouldn’t go for it, in the event that this goes to a hearing in August.
Also, what my L told me is that the judge to whom our case has been reassigned, tends to be rather pro-dad. She’s been practicing law in OC for over 20 years, and the judges tend to be very 50-50, and this judge is probably no exception.
It’s nice to hear that with W threatening that I’m gonna lose out because the courts side with the mother.
