I am not concerned about being in her presence as we attend all the kids activities at school and their sporting events together. Well, driving separate cars but sitting next to each other, waiting for the other one to arrive, etc. We have always done that...I just didn't want my girls to feel awkward. The only thing that could potentially trip me up a little bit is if her BF is there. Since I have not met him yet that would potentially be difficult but I think I am detached enough now to where it would be ok.
I think you're so far into the process and post-D life that meeting the bf shouldn't be as big of a deal compared to when she told you that she had a bf. I met exW's bf for coffee first one-on-one and that kinda paved the way. Gave me a chance to get first impressions and also let him know certain things. It was pretty amicable and I left feeling better.
Don't count on your exW holding her word. My exW didn't give me a heads up when her bf showed up for my kids weekend events. I took that through the lens of having zero expectations from her and her behaviour was not indicative of anything to do with me. I knew that she wanted me to meet her bf so that she could bring him around more - she is extremely impatient. She's made decisions that I wouldn't have made - introduced him to the kids very early on and vice versa. They're going full steam ahead with this blended family situation now and it's really interesting to watch it from afar. I try to not speculate but I do find it bizarre and immature that both of them are going ahead at top notch speed and it's barely been like 3 months since they got together. I am just worried about my kids if things don't work out between them as they are getting attached to his kids and him in some ways as well. Not a good process but I can't do much about it except make sure kids are good on my end.
I did feel a pang of nervousness last time I saw him and her together, but it's pretty low key now. So expect to feel something and if you need to head out to gather your thoughts and emotions, do so. But, it's not that huge especially when you've done so much detachment work. I have zero interest in getting back with her and seems the same with you, so who she chooses to be with is totally her reality and got nothing to do with who you are.
Your exW in some ways has followed a similar script to mine and so don't be surprised if her bf shows up to a kid event.
I have to say, I am so happy this has not been an issue for us yet. When my ex and i both attend son’s events, neither of us have brought our bf/gf. I just don’t understand why a bf of mine would need to come watch a school play ex was attending. Even if my ex was not attending, I t would not invite a bf to watch. I would want my sons accomplishment to be celebrated by people my son loves... Not who I love. Or think I might possibly one day love.
I would be super annoyed if ex husbands girlfriend came to watch and it puts an always strain on the kids who sense somethings off. My son is not the most socially perceptive kid in the world. But even he senses and gets uncomfortable and shows off or gets real quiet and listens when something is askew. . (It’s a different thing if your married are partners for years).
For as much as I complain about my ex, the one good thing he did was never throw another girl in my face...even after the divorce. (He might also be nervous that I would tell her bad things about him. But still) I also am not sure if there was another woman or just an addiction that caused him to do what he did.
But point being... can’t these walkaways just let it be about the kids and not about them and their love lives????
I think you're so far into the process and post-D life that meeting the bf shouldn't be as big of a deal compared to when she told you that she had a bf. I met exW's bf for coffee first one-on-one and that kinda paved the way. Gave me a chance to get first impressions and also let him know certain things. It was pretty amicable and I left feeling better.
Why on earth? The thought of meeting my XWs bf hasn't even crossed my mind once. I have no interest in getting to know this person and nothing important what I would want or need to say comes to my mind.
In my thirties, BDd 2017, divorced 2 young kids new relationship
I think that sounds like a nice Easter. Your ex has been very respectful of your wishes around BF, I do not think there would be a surprise show up.
I also agree that when he does start showing up to your daughters Events, there is no need for a private sit down. Nothing to gain from it.
We all know my sitch and that we are all very cordial with each other, and make nice gestures. She is also his wife and my daughters step mother. She belongs at my my daughters events because her stepmother should be there supporting her. My daughter should never feel like she doesn’t. My other person situation probably takes the cake of awfulness about how it all went down too. I have to fAce the woman who was screwing my husband while I was pregnant with our daughter.
When you are detached enough, it’s always best for the kids to see you all be there for them cheering them on !
Yeah...I mean I don't personally have a need. He was not around when my xw did what she did so he is really only guilty of courting/dating a woman that wasn't technically divorced yet. I guess that is more of a reflection on both of them but that doesn't necessarily make him a bad guy. Maybe not the smartest choice in the world but I guess when you hit it off with someone you hit it off IDK.
My girls never talk about him so I assume if there was an issue they would bring it up or if he was really active and involved in their lives as well.
I just don't want them to feel awkward or feel like they have to pick and choose sides. I think I am detached enough to the point to where it won't matter. It actually might be more awkward for her than me.
I know my way is not the popular option. I detailed it in my last thread in newcomers. Here is what I am going to say - it is all about context. If your ex had an A and they're with that same person, there's no way I am going to do what I did. I already know the integrity of that person and so it's done.
But I stand by what I did. It made my interactions with him smoother and it also eased the way for the kids to see us all in public settings. the kids see their father who strong, unfazed, and cordial. He is respectful of my role as the father and understands his role. Kids haven't felt at all like they have to pick sides and seem to be transitioning to this reality a lot better than I expected. I credit a whole lot of that to me, and some to W. I am not going to be bff's with him, but I can exercise kindness and civility towards him. He's done nothing wrong to me. This process helped me reach another level of detachment and emotional health.
I am not saying what I did is the 'right' way to do things, or that there aren't other ways to reach a similar outcome for your personal growth. i am saying that context matters and what works for me won't work for you.
Not sure why she didn't bring her BF or maybe he has something to do with his own family. I didn't ask, none of my business so I just enjoyed my girls and our mutual family friends. I didn't feel an ounce of anything for my xw although she still had a couple slips of the tongue. Our friends need helping moving and they asked me if I could help them on Thursday. I told them I couldn't due to my oldest's soccer game. The xw looked at me and started to make a comment about me skipping the game to help them. Then our friend jumped in and told my x wife that cord has been cut, you no longer have a say. The X just made a face.
Hung out and hooked up with the dr. last night for a couple of hours after her son went to bed. She told me she wished it was Saturday night because she didn't want to let me go. No new developments. Our schedules are aligned this weekend with no kids so we will have ample time to spend with each other.
I think she is starting to catch feelings and I guess in some respects I am as well. I think I am starting to see now as you get older that love is more of a choice. I think when I was younger it was more of an emotion and you rode that emotion into something more or when the emotions faded you made the choice. IDK with this it just feels like there is no rush, no pressure, in some respects it seems very relaxed. I get the feeling that she is not going any where just by her actions and comments she makes.
I think for me I am still getting there but I guess that is to be expected after only 3 months and being blindsided by a D.
Now love just seems like more of a choice. I enjoy the Dr.s company, we have lots of sex, our lifestyles are the same with young kids, and we share similiar beliefs but I don't need her. I don't want her money, have no problems signing a pre-nup if it ever came to that but I can see how we would be a compliment to each other's lives. At this age is that most important?
Now love just seems like more of a choice. I enjoy the Dr.s company, we have lots of sex, our lifestyles are the same with young kids, and we share similiar beliefs but I don't need her. I don't want her money, have no problems signing a pre-nup if it ever came to that but I can see how we would be a compliment to each other's lives. At this age is that most important?
Is it the most important to you? Because if it is, then there is your answer. What is most important to one may or may not be important to another. I agree with what you said about love being a choice, to a certain extent. I still think it is an emotion, I just think by the age we are now (and granted I'm a good bit older than you, so this may be even more likely for me), we know how to love in a very real way without having that roller coaster of lust attached. Again, not saying sex and being sexually attracted and sexually compatible aren't important because they are, but I think as we age, that raw emotional, lusty, dramatic thing that we thought love was in our earlier years is not so prevalent. As we age, love becomes more about working together as a team, taking care of each other when we're sick and the like. At least, that is my take on it. And, maybe others agree and maybe they don't.
One of the first things my XH said to me when we decided to get married was that one of the things he loved about me was that I took care of myself and was totally independent and I didn't need him, but I plainly wanted him in my life and he found that very attractive. Sparky has actually told me something very similar. He said I obviously have no problem handling my own sh!t, but it is pretty obvious that I want to be with him and share my life with him and that is a very attractive quality. There's a vast difference in those 2 things...needing and wanting.
I know you keep saying you are an overthinker and I get that because I'm one too, but you really are way overthinking the whole thing. Just relax and enjoy and see where it goes. If you are feeling her and she is feeling you then keep going. If not, then bow out gracefully and move on. You are so early on that there really isn't a need to get too far gone here. Just let things develop naturally. Get out of your own head and just be in the moment with her and see how that feels. Thinking about it too much can sometimes be a bad thing. Right now, you like her and she likes you and y'all have great sex. Take that for what it is and just enjoy it. Above all, just be honest with her and if at some point, you aren't feeling it anymore, tell her. I get the impression, from your posts, that you keep waiting for some sign or feeling like you got with your XW and that isn't necessarily going to happen because you are older, more mature, understand love and relationships better now. Infatuation is not as likely now and more genuine emotions are, so just roll with it.
Me 52, H53 Bomb drop 9/29/2014 Divorce from XH final 12/17/2014 Marriage #2 12/31/2019 5 adult (step)daughters (3 from XH's first marriage, 2 from current H's previous relationships) 6 grandkids
I think what’s harder this time around is that we now know that love and relationships are transitory. I know that when I moved in with and later married my ex husband, I assumed that this was gonna be a forever thing. That we were family and that family love never ends. That neither of us would do anything that would justify ending love. I did not think he would one day not love me any more. But what is love? Love for a child is unconditional. For a partner it simply cannot be. But to commit it has to be there. It has to be wanted and chosen maybe? Or maybe only some are capable of it and that’s a blessed thing for a person to be capable of it. The Lin Manuel sonnet is so beautiful... love is love is love is love is love cannot be killed or swept aside.
I think maybe many of our exes simply did not love us. Not real love. It could be they are not capable. Or loved the concept of marriage and partnership but not the actual person.
I know this is a pretty crazy comparison, but you know how during a first round of cancer it’s a lot easier signing up for chemotherapy then the 2nd round? 1st round, you don’t truly know the suffering until you experience it. People that have to do it twice enter that 2nd round with a completely different mind set. They are not as optimistic. They consider not doing it. They go in weary and more defeated. I kind of feel like that when thinking about a new relationship. I know that there is going to be eventual discord and resentment. I know there’s the potential for infidelity and rejection and heartache. So what will keep me committed or him committed now that we both know there’s no need to stay. That would theoretically be love right? But how do you fall in love with someone else when you know the pain factor? I think love requires a vulnerability. You love this person and will risk hurt in order to love them then. That’s not really a linear logic though.
I think that’s why it’s so easy for walkaways to feel that intense limeraci. Why they seem to have an easy time meeting others and many of us LBS struggle. I think we hold back on love because we know the potential for suffering in a different way then they do. I think many of them never truly loved like we did.
Again, it doesn’t answer any questions about what love is. But I think to love, there is a selflessness to it.
So maybe it is part emotion but probably more choice. It is easy to stay and Love when things are going well and positive emotions are being experienced. Much harder to stay and Love when things are not going well and things are challenging.
I also don't think there is a perfect partner out there for any of us so if you do choose to Love you are willing to accept that person as is and all of their flaws. If you're not open to Love then I assume you will dismiss the person when you observe their slightest imperfection/flaw.
The Dr. has said that she will get married again but when we are out she comments on all the married people that are on their phones, seemingly disconnected from what is going on with their partner. I am definitely guilty of that when I was married.
I guess in order for it to last it takes two people that are very aware of what it takes to make Love and a R last, that are willing to communicate about it and continue to share the same values about commitment, etc?
I think you hit the nail squarely on the head....COMMUNICATE!!!!!!!!!!
Me 52, H53 Bomb drop 9/29/2014 Divorce from XH final 12/17/2014 Marriage #2 12/31/2019 5 adult (step)daughters (3 from XH's first marriage, 2 from current H's previous relationships) 6 grandkids
So why get married again? Why do that knowing what you know now? It just seems to be so hard to make it work long term when you see all the miserable people out there and the D rate so high. As we all know from our DB teachings it's just a piece of paper. Why not just continue to hang out, hook up and have fun? I suppose you could still live with one another so you get some financial benefits.
I think every one has to answer that for themselves. One person's reason might or might not fit another's situation. I have personally never subscribed to that whole "it's only paper" thing. Marriage means something to me. Being married is important to me. I didn't want to get a divorce, but that is where I landed, so I had to roll with it. My intention and one of the reasons I waited so long the first time to get married was that I fully intended to be married to that person until one of us was no longer here. But life happens and I realize that is a bit of a Pollyanna outlook. It doesn't work for everyone. Sure, some people do believe marriage is just a piece of paper and, likely, those people are just as committed to their relationship as some people who are legally married are. I'm not judging those people...their marriage or lack thereof is absolutely none of my business. Sparky's previous relationship was a living together but not legally married situation, but Sparky, like me, is the marrying kind and he wanted to marry his XGF, but she didn't "believe in marriage" so she wouldn't legally marry him. So, I guess we fit well. We can hang out, hook up and have fun and still be legally married.
I liked being a wife. I like being a girlfriend, but I like being a wife even more. I really don't know how to explain it...not sure if it is the old-fashioned part of me or what, but I want that "only paper". I want his last name. I want to say "this is my husband" and know that he is telling people I am his wife. It isn't a sense of ownership so much as a sense of pride that we are a team and we belong together. But, like I said in the beginning, that is MY thoughts and feelings, and fortunately, Sparky is in total agreement with me and we are on the same page. Not everyone feels that way and they have to make the right choice for them.
Me 52, H53 Bomb drop 9/29/2014 Divorce from XH final 12/17/2014 Marriage #2 12/31/2019 5 adult (step)daughters (3 from XH's first marriage, 2 from current H's previous relationships) 6 grandkids
I do NOT plan to remarry. The process of divorce was such a pain in the neck, and I don't want to be financially tied to anyone ever again. Yeah, I could get a good prenup but right now in my life I don't see any reason to actually tie the knot. I would love to have a monogamous long term partner to count on and be close to, but frankly I don't even require they live with me - there are pros and cons to that!
I guess I no longer believe that marriage is any assurance of fidelity, and if a guy can be faithful to me I don't need him to marry me to prove it. I think marriage is best for young people having a family together. I can give powers of attorney for healthcare decisions to a partner and include him in my will if I'm so inclined, so those reasons for marrying are moot. And I don't need financial support from a partner.
I do think some people want to be married because they value the "pick me" part of it - being chosen makes people feel good, no doubt. But at my age I don't feel the need for that external validation.
Now, since you both have young kids, I could understand wanting to get married before living together just to set that example for your children. But I sure wouldn't be in any hurry.
And btw, you ARE overthinking this! It's only been 3 months and you're trying to decide if you'll marry her. Let the future be and just spend your time in the present getting to know her better. Anybody can look good for the first three months. It takes time for the friction points in a relationship to start showing.
Well there is definitely no hurry for any of it. I felt her crank up the intensity last night though so I think that makes me feel a little pressure but will just stick with the 3 H's.
I agree with the monogamous LTP. I don't know that I need to necessarily be married again but I do think about my daughters and them seeing me in a healthy R as they grow up. I know that doesn't mean that I need to get married but just the idea that they have a feeling of a family with a mom and dad since they won't get that from me and their mom.
I don't know if I articulated the properly or not so hopefully you get what I was trying to say.
You have taken your overthinking to a new level! Just chill. If you don’t want what she wants, then graciously bow out. If there is a possibility you do, continue on. 3 months, my friend.
And you marrying another woman will not give your kids the experience of being with mom and dad. Your kids have a mom. It doesn’t mimic that. It’s a completely different experience . Will they get a chance to see how their dad is in a relationship? Yes. Will they another adult present that cares for them? Yes. But you aren’t going to recreate the mom and dad experience. And you don’t need to be married because that doesn’t make her “mom”
Marriage or remarriage is a personal choice. I don’t need it. Do I want it? I don’t even know sometimes I hate that wasted the covenant of marriage on my douchebag ex who never gave a crap about me and was barely 4 years long. I had my daughter, but I’m talking about between a husband and wife. Maybe if marriage was a guarantee of fidelity I would be into it, but it most certainly is not.
Working in healthcare, I often run into domestic partnership issues. There can be a significant other of anpatient where they have been living together 20 years, but cannot make medical decisions unless they are designated POA. I think of those things. Legally, a partnership without marriage still that needs to be legally sorted.
That’s my view on marriage. If you saw my post, I am finally thinking about that stuff. It’s the first time this stuff has become real for me. But still seems so far off. And I still tell M that I don’t want him to go in the morning 😊. But that’s not me trying to lock him down. That’s me expressing how much I love spending time with him.
Thanks Nef......went over and saw the Dr. last night for about 1.5. Our schedules are finally aligned again for this weekend so I will see her again Friday, Sat, and Sun. She told me last night I could spend the night at her place but I needed to leave before her son woke up at 6:05. She has him on a tight schedule. I declined as my house is only 2.5 miles away and I sleep much better in my own bed. Nothing against her but I like my sleep. She did send me home with some cupcakes and her cupcakes are really good.
Still learning and getting used to each other. I am realizing that she might be a little insecure as when we were engaging in activities last night she asked me if I liked what I saw. Not a huge issue just an observation. Maybe I dont compliment her enough.
Every human has some level of insecurity. Especially when they are naked. We all like to hear a compliment once in a while. In our most vulnerable state, M will just look at me and tell me how gorgeous I am. And it makes me feel good. And I’m not a horribly insecure person. Maybe a little more lately with some drastic body changes. Who doesn’t like compliments?
She told me last night I could spend the night at her place but I needed to leave before her son woke up at 6:05. She has him on a tight schedule. I declined as my house is only 2.5 miles away and I sleep much better in my own bed. Nothing against her but I like my sleep. She did send me home with some cupcakes and her cupcakes are really good.
You may want to reconsider this the next time IMO. She was offering you a gift of comfort and time and you chose door #2 and cupcakes??? :P
Originally Posted by TBSakaJ9
Still learning and getting used to each other. I am realizing that she might be a little insecure as when we were engaging in activities last night she asked me if I liked what I saw. Not a huge issue just an observation. Maybe I dont compliment her enough.
I don't think it's an issue of being complemented enough - just everyday normal insecurity. I personally think that a divorce is for many people a rejection of who the other person is in all ways. And since her marriage was low sex, it's easy to blame yourself for not being attractive enough. I certainly have struggled with this and still do. Oddly, other than the first time we were together, B shows no issues in this way - but she while beautiful in my eyes is no classic beauty. She's middle aged with sags, bonus curves, and some very big scars. I think her biggest concern was that she shaves "everywhere" and once when it came up previously in conversation I'd mentioned that I thought it odd that some guys prefer that. Since it's her choice I just accept it although I was certainly startled. The last time she was over, I had to get up in the middle of the night and turn her bedside light off after she fell asleep as she liked having it on while we were busy. Very different from my ex where everything had to be dark and covered up except the - excuse the pun - bare minimum. Certainly increased my fun level to engage sight as well as the other senses.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
I will text her GM beautiful or stuff like that. I wonder if I need to initiate more than I am if she is starting to get impatient with my level of expressing myself after 3 months. I will be spending the night with her on Friday and Saturday nights along with the day as well. She will get plenty of comfort time with me. I have to work until 8 or 9 tonight and didnt feel like being exhausted the entire day. I know she was offering but she has only spent the night at my place 1 or 2 times in the last 3 months and she doesnt sleep well either.
WTF dude with all the books that you read she has to ask you if you like what you see when she’s naked? That’s 101 material. You let us know she’s smoking hot but you don’t let her know it? You better rewatch Californiacation and get some tips from Hank Moody lol. Come on man you’re better then that!
LOL....well I have said other things (we talk dirty a little bit). Told her she was beautiful, gorgeous, hot, sexy, etc. but I just hadn't done it while we were having sex. I say other things but just not those words. We lay their together afterwards, snuggle, I rub her leg, touch her skin, play with her hair, kiss, snuggle, etc. so it's not like I am void of emotions or feelings.
I saw her this morning at the gym. Texted her afterwards and told her I really enjoyed our couples workout, called her beautiful said her cupcakes were amazing, etc.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
She goes to the gym and works hard on looking good. I don’t think it’s an insecurity thing. Women get turned on, knowing they are desired by men. So if she’s asking that while she’s naked, she’s telling you that it will turn her on to know how hot you think she is and how much you desire her.
Makes sense....I guess I thought the multiple sex sessions at night and the next morning would do the trick but I guess some times they just need to hear it. I will work on being more vocal maybe she has got the before from other men, IDK.
She does work hard. Does the stair master every day for 45 minutes and that doesn't include the lip injections, botox, cold sculpting, vagina tightening and boobs.
I think I she might be a little insecure..... Good lord! She didn’t even give birth to a child and tightening up her vajayjay? Why is she making so many physical alterations? She really is working hard to stop any sort of aging. I mean, I guess if I had the money I might do some cool sculpting, but she seems like she is really stoping any sort of aging. Did you get a feeling on why?
M lets me here it..... but he does not like me to alter anything. Not even that into make up.
Question: how raw has she gotten with you? Has she been all messy bun, sweats, no make-up with you?
God. I feel like how to normal girls compete with all that. I never had any cosmetic procedure done before. I would feel too guilty about the expense. Like I’d rather put the money for a vacation or college for my son.
She told me when she was married she didn't take care of herself. She said she didn't even shave down south because her husband did care and liked it that way. She said she never cheated on her husband while they were married but also never paid attention to other men. I think once she got out of her marriage, she started noticing men and men noticing her then started to make all these changes. Sort of like a man going to the gym and loosing weight/getting in shape after D.
She got her boobs done when she was 20 something. She said they were uneven.
She said she gets botox because she gets migraines and they helps with it
She bought the JAY JAY machine as an investment for the Medspa that she is under contract with. Said she they told her they would be able to sell treatments and she would get 1/2 of the money. She said she got it done just because it was a little loose down south and made noises.
She said her lips where uneven as well which is why she got them done.
Cool sculpting.....well she said she had a bulge when she wore tight dresses. She had it done the first time on her love handles.
I think some of the above though probably has been spurred by her D.
She was pretty raw at her ranch and then we have been to the gym together a couple of times sweating, etc. She looks like she is about 38. You would never guess 47 if you saw her.
She does work hard. Does the stair master every day for 45 minutes and that doesn't include the lip injections, botox, cold sculpting, vagina tightening and boobs.
Yeah, that's some insecurity right there. I know you like all that stuff and I understand that some of it goes along with your bodybuilder sensibilities and that's fine. And I get that some women are into the breast implants for various reasons. But if she's doing the stair master for 45 minutes a day what on earth is there left to cool sculpt???? And really, who DOES need their vajajay tightened without having had kids? (I've had three kids and luckily my vajajay is just fine, thank you. Most women's are unless they've had a traumatic birth or 15 kids.)
The list you've given make it sound like she doesn't think she's okay AS SHE IS. And maybe the best thing you could do is reassure her that you find her attractive REGARDLESS of whether she's had botox or lip injections recently.I can only imagine the anxiety involved in having to keep all that up. She may need to hear that you would find her attractive even if she didn't do all that other cosmetic stuff.
Now, full disclosure - I come from the opposite earth mama generation, wore my hair long and straight, cut it myself for years, didn't really wear makeup until my 40's and not much even now. I did NOT get the memo about needing to get rid of all my body hair and I would probably never have been your type. I was comfortable in my own skin and lucky for me, was reasonably attractive even without makeup and such. I DO understand that some women feel much prettier with all that stuff and more power to them. But I also lived in a wealthy neighborhood with some women who had WAAAYYYYY too much fillers and plastic surgery and ended up looking awful.
She goes spray tanning too She doesn't spend any money on her hair. Says she gets it cut twice a year at Great Clips. She doesn't get her nails done or her toes (she does those herself).
I didn't know any of this until after we had been dating for a bit. These weren't things on my radar or anything TBH that I really can appreciate. Honestly I had never heard of anyone getting their JJ tightened. Didn't even know that was an option.
My XW had no trbl with the J after 2 kids so who knows.
She does get all the stuff at cost because she is the consulting Medspa Dr. so I guess that helps.
IMO a lot of it has to do with feeling attractive after coming out of a D. I will make sure going forward I give her more compliments. I think that will help me open up more as well.
That really is a heck of a lot physical alteration. The money isn’t what’s concerning. Clearly she’s not putting herself in a financial hole for it. But she’s really trying to stop time. The concern is how far is she going to go and is she going to be ok with it when she doesn’t look 38 anymore?
I agree with KML. I think she needs more comments on her natural beauty and beauty within. I think the best thing a guy could do is make a woman feel beautiful for who is on the inside .
And I really hope you did not make the above the above joke, because she is likely to take that seriously!!
Lol....no I didnt. I think she told me she had a treatment in May. She is the consulting Dr. at the local medspa and get everything at cost so that could be a part of it. I doubt she would have done the JJ tightening if she didnt own the machine. I think she said 1 session alone is like $3k but she only paid $500. I also think some of it has to do with her D and being in a sexless marriage for 10 years. Ed or not I would think that would play on your pyschy on whether or not your xh found you desireable.
The only thing I really notice are her lips. They look kind of like Kim K's lips very full. She has had her boobs replaced like 3 times since she originally got them done in her 20s.
Would you still like her or have went for her if she had love handles, uneven lips, ehh... noise issue? (Lets just say a weak pelvic floor and core stabilizers) wrinkles, and uneven breasts? Do you like her for who she is without these things?
LOL....he certainly could have been really THICK!!!
Ju - If I didn't find her attractive I would have never gotten to know her or have went on a date. So it's difficult to answer that question since the first thing you notice about someone is their looks. All that aside though she is a very good person, a giver, and by everything I have seen (including pictures of her son) she is a very loving/caring mother.
I get that she gets a heavy discount . I hope she begins to feel more secure without these invasive/ semi invasive alterations. At 38 I had a real wake up call. My health first. Learn to love myself as I am. I still take care of myself, but my whole boob thing was such an eye opener. I am much more than what I look like physically. Sure, I take care of myself, but I’m trying not to put myself at more risk for the sake of physical appearance anymore.
I hope your lady begins to feel secure with herself just as she is. Without all the alterations.
Outside of the boobs and botox everything came after her D so I assume that had something to do with it.
Also I would never expect, need or request anyone to do anything to their body. My XW had very small boobs and would never asked her or even wanted her to get a boob job even though she did after our D. I never once looked at her and said oh I was you did this or did that. I loved her for who she was and while she was tiny she was still not perfect.
I don't expect perfection, I am not perfect but I do expect and I am attracted to women that make an effort.
Outside of the boobs and botox everything came after her D so I assume that had something to do with it.
Also I would never expect, need or request anyone to do anything to their body. My XW had very small boobs and would never asked her or even wanted her to get a boob job even though she did after our D. I never once looked at her and said oh I was you did this or did that. I loved her for who she was and while she was tiny she was still not perfect.
I don't expect perfection, I am not perfect but I do expect and I am attracted to women that make an effort.
You keep saying that you think her D had a lot to do with all of this, and you obviously know the woman and I don't, but I don't think that is it. Just based on what you are saying, she has some serious self-conscious issues and while D certainly didn't help it, there has to be some more serious underlying cause. There is a difference between what someone (maybe even you, yourself) pointed out in an earlier post about men going to the gym and getting fit after D and a woman having all of these drastic cosmetic procedures after hers. I had the same thought that someone else posted that if she has not even given birth to a kid, why have the tightening thing done. I'm not judging her, mind you. If she chooses to do it and she can afford it, which she clearly can, more power to her. I just don't get it because I'm not that person. Heck, I don't even wear make up. I own make up, but I can't even tell you the last time I had any on. The last time I remember having any on was about 5 years ago. And, I wouldn't get botox even if it would cure migraines because needles, man. LOL (I would be a horrible IV drug user!)
I find it interesting that you end with you are attracted to women who make an effort. I guess we see "effort" differently because all the stuff she's doing seems more like overkill than effort. I would imagine she's an attractive woman in her own right, even without all the extras, or I don't think you would be with her anyway. It goes back to what I said at first...I don't know her and you do, so it is super easy for me to armchair quarterback it, but it just sounds like she has some serious self-esteem issues, which oddly, seems to be common with highly successful and attractive women. That must be why God made me ugly. If I was smart AND beautiful, I couldn't handle it and no one could handle me. LOLOLOL
I very much appreciate the thought you are putting into your responses to her. You seem to genuinely care about meeting her where she is, if that makes sense. You obviously like her and want to communicate effectively with her and that is a wonderful thing.
Me 52, H53 Bomb drop 9/29/2014 Divorce from XH final 12/17/2014 Marriage #2 12/31/2019 5 adult (step)daughters (3 from XH's first marriage, 2 from current H's previous relationships) 6 grandkids
Yeah...I am not sure why she does. I have never asked her and it has never come up in conversation. I do know she hasn't spoke to her father in about 15 years or so. They had a big falling out over how he was spending his mom's (her Grandma's) money before she died and her Grandma asked her to intervene on her behalf with Lawyer's etc. I also get the impression that her dad wasn't overly involved in her life before this situation happened. She commented that once got boobs he didn't know what to do with her. Maybe some of it has to do with not getting or winning her dad's approval. Not sure. No abuse or anything like that just an absent father sort of speak.
She texted me this morning and I texted her back "Good Morning Beautiful" so I am trying to be more aware of what she needs. It is true that things do slowly start to reveal themselves so I am glad I am taking it slow.
Making an effort to me is not all about this stuff. Yes, most of it is overkill. For me making an effort can be as simple as getting your hair done, nails, etc. or applying body lotion, wearing a delicate smelling perfume, dressing appropriately, or being health conscience. It certainly does not have to be to this extreme.
I have thought about that L. I mix it up with the texts. They very from beautiful, baby, hot pants, hot lips and sugar tits
She is very much in control of her emotions and it is very hard for her to be loose and vulnerable. Hard to explain but she is not a cryer, not emotional, stoic if I had to describe it. Very touchy feely though. She calls me sexy, handsome, etc. so I guess she does verbalize some things.
Not the serial killer kind but the every day "Sociopath Next Door" type who lacked enough empathy to realize he shouldn't steal from his elderly mother?
Or perhaps he was simply an addict - addicts do that kind of stuff too.
Either way, growing up with an f'ed up dad might trigger some self esteem issues. Usually daddy is the person who first teaches a little girl that she's awesome.
Nonetheless sounds like she handled his a$$ and I'm not suggesting she has any kind of super serious issues because of it. But she may be someone who could use affirmation and support for who she is a little more Ethernet next.
Yeah K her Grandma solicited the help of her and her sister to protect her assets so they went out and got a Lawyer, etc. to remove her father from having the ability to access.
She also said he got into trouble when he was NJ I guess he stole something from the wrong people so they moved from NJ to San Diego. Anyway, there hasn't been many positive things that she has said about him.
The biggest issue was him stealing from his mom. That is really what caused it all but she also mentioned that when she got to be of age he had no idea how to handle her.
I'm neither surprised that you used that (I knew it when I read your message that was one of your "names") or that she didn't like it. Sparky tried that one on me, once. The only thing that kept me from knocking him in the head was that he wasn't close enough for me to reach him when he said it. He also doesn't get away with referring to me as his "old lady". Other than those, though, I'm good to go with the silly, cutesy, whatever nicknames.
Me 52, H53 Bomb drop 9/29/2014 Divorce from XH final 12/17/2014 Marriage #2 12/31/2019 5 adult (step)daughters (3 from XH's first marriage, 2 from current H's previous relationships) 6 grandkids
Meh....I wouldn't be a fan of that one either, but to each his own. When Sparky calls me one I don't like, I just call him something equally insulting and he gets the picture pretty quick.
Me 52, H53 Bomb drop 9/29/2014 Divorce from XH final 12/17/2014 Marriage #2 12/31/2019 5 adult (step)daughters (3 from XH's first marriage, 2 from current H's previous relationships) 6 grandkids
I think ginger’s Boyfriend has it right. We like to hear things about how beautiful we are inside and out. How we are appreciated for both our looks and brains.
Now Dr was the leaver of her marriage. But I think for most women having your husband leave you when your “past your prime” is really hard. I’m pissed that I wasted my youth and beauty and reproductive years on my ex husband. And I think maybe all those cosmetic procedures are some sort of crises or way to cling on to youth. I’m not gonna judge her. Cause if I had the means, I don’t know if I would try cosmetic enhancements. It’s tempting. But overdone it looks fake and ugly. But it’s also a society issue.
J - I think you are very sensitive with Doctor and it’s nice to hear that you care about making her feel good and confident about herself. You are focused on building her up and that’s a really sweet and healthy way to approach a relationship.
I loved hearing KML and Dawn and Gingers comments though. I feel upset about aging. But I also wonder if by not drastically altering your looks a women can ensure that she will attract men that are more realistic about women their age. Men that connect more by a women’s character, and shared interests and sense of humor. Men that will love them even if they get sick or gain weight. For men, its synonymous to a girl that dates you cause of the car you drive. What happens if he loses his car? Like it’s a way to weed out narcissist or superficial people.
Now obviously, there has to be an element of physical attraction. But it’s sad that these cosmetic alternative skew the normal curve. And presents an unrealistic norm. So it also annoys me when women can do that.
For me cosmetic surgery is a red flag. I like women as natural as I can get them. I think if you want to improve yourself then you should put in the work. No short cuts or cheat codes. Eat right, sleep right, exercise, dress nice, take care of yourself mentally, physically and spiritually. If this is potentially insecurity and/or a fear of ageing then those red flags or at least yellow flags should make you situation aware. I mean Vaginoplasty? Why? Just because you can? I get that everyone especially as they get older are bound to carry baggage, but if anything you should keep the pace slow. Just from what you have posted in the past it sounds like she may be the one to try and push the pace. From what you describe she sounds pretty great, just keep your head on a swivel.
H(37) W(35) D8, D5, S3 T20, M13 BD 8/31/18 EA Discovered 9/13/18 Mediation 10/3/18 W files for D 10/12/18 W moves out 11/10/18 EA confirmed 12/25/18 D Final 1/10/19
I'm on the fence about body modification of any sort including tattoos and piercings or being extra toned / fit. I have a pierced ear and a couple of tattoos myself. Too much, and it to me cries out "insecure". I suppose it comes down to a person's sense of self-worth. Is it tied up in WHO they are as opposed to WHAT they are.
Their need for validation I suppose comes from how they look at themselves. I'd much rather be told - "hey - that's a nice thing you did thank you" rather than "your beer belly is looking extra lush tonight darling"
Others may have different views. It's perhaps a variation of the old "love languages" thing - what words or actions can be help your partner feel good about themselves, the giver of such things and the relationship between them.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
Her love languages are quality time and physical touch. I would definitely agree with physical touch!
I normally like my ladies very natural as well, minimal make up, etc. The Dr. doesn't wear a lot of make up so that is cool. I am very much a face person then work my way down to the rest of the body. If you face is jacked then it is an immediate deal breaker. Boobs....whatever. Even if they are slightly overweight or have some curves that doesn't matter as long as like her face.
TBH some times the Dr's lips are a little much, they remind me of Angelina Jolie or the Octo Mom's lips. In the right setting though they can be pretty amazing.
I am ok with the cosmetic stuff. A lot of women have boob jobs these days, Botox for migranes ok I guess I can get behind that. The J J is laughable but nice if you know what I mean and the lips could be not as full so that is interesting. Spray tanning, a lot of people do. Cool sculpting I could care less about that.
I didn't realize that big fake boobs and bleach blond hair were "natural". Who knew? LOL You crack me up! Yet again, I'm feeling like I missed a day of girl school because I don't fall into the "a lot of women...." category of those who have fake boobs or spray tan. God gave me enough naturally and I'm a big wimp when it comes to pain and needles, so even if He didn't, no d@mn way would I have surgery to get them. And, as far as spray tans, I get my farmer tan going in the summer and I'm good with that. I have two "speeds" when it comes to tanning: Casper and lobster. Not really much in between. LOL
In all seriousness, though, I do think the Dr. sounds lovely and I like that you are trying so hard to be sure she feels comfortable and secure. That's a good thing!
Me 52, H53 Bomb drop 9/29/2014 Divorce from XH final 12/17/2014 Marriage #2 12/31/2019 5 adult (step)daughters (3 from XH's first marriage, 2 from current H's previous relationships) 6 grandkids
You know, the JJ thing may not be as extreme as people are thinking. You mentioned she had a machine. There is a machine (medical device) that basically is a treatment for vaginal atrophy (thinning skin inside), it's not surgery, and since she is providing that care to patients, she may have just tried it so she knew what the process was like.
That is part of it.....she personally paid $75k for the machine, she owns it. She bought it as an investment opportunity and it is located in the Medspa. They told her they would be able to sell treatments and she would get 1/2 of the sales. She goes to all of their events and talks to potential clients that would use their services.
I think that was her original intent but has found the she likes it. I guess she only has to pay for the tip which is $500.
Going out to dinner tonight with the good Dr. then out to her ranch tomorrow. This is the first weekend our schedules have been aligned in a month so it should be fun. Last time I saw her was on Tuesday for a night of indoor Olympics.
The XW texted me last night to tell me she was going back to school for her second Bachelor's Degree in Interior Design. Told me what school she was going to and how long it will take. She is taking out loans to complete it. I thought that was nice that she felt the need to let me know. I just told her Congratulations and Good Luck.
The girls have soccer games tomorrow morning if it doesn't rain tonight so I am looking forward to that. My boss is moving on to a new position so I am hopeful that I will have a shot at his job when he leaves. It would obviously be more responsibility but also a boost in salary as well. 2 years ago I would not have been emotionally able to handle the job change but I feel now that I am ready.
Ummm...... don't you think the Ex might have been telling you that as a prelude to asking for more child support? If she goes back to school and has no earned income how would that affect child support calculations?
She said it was part time, at night, on-line and would take her 2.5 years to finish. It didn't sound like she was quitting her job as a teacher to go full time.
So if she decides to quit her job or teach part time to pursue a second degree you would potentially have to pay more child support? I mean this decision is not involuntary. Is that how this stuff works?
H(37) W(35) D8, D5, S3 T20, M13 BD 8/31/18 EA Discovered 9/13/18 Mediation 10/3/18 W files for D 10/12/18 W moves out 11/10/18 EA confirmed 12/25/18 D Final 1/10/19
It is my understanding that after a 2 or 3 year period anyone can go back and attempt to get more CS or get it reduced as people's financial situations change.
According to my L (and this may just be a CA thing, so consult your legal professional), child support orders can be changed until children reach the age of majority (18) or graduate high school.
W has told me in the past that with her being a federal employee, as she climbs up the salary / GS levels, at some point she will be making over 6-figures. I’m sure she will find out what that means for my requesting child support over the coming years.
You can revisit it every 3 years, but if she chooses to go part time that’s of her doing. I got my bachelors in nursing online while working full time. People often do that. And teachers really can’t work part time. I don’t think she’s going after money. I did have to ask my ex a few times on a Sunday to take my D so I could write a paper. But he has less time than me so no big deal.
I agree G......I think she just wanted me to know for whatever reason.
Spent all weekend with the Dr. it was fun, relaxing, and I felt us becoming closer. This was the first weekend in over a month where our kid schedules were aligned and I think at least for me it was very much needed. When you are just going over to someone's house for sex during the week or just out to eat and then sex on a Friday night I think it has been difficult for me to see her in a different light. We just hadn't had the time to spend hours with each other, just relaxing doing nothing, hanging out, etc. with no time table.
Ahh, the different light. Not just the dressed up part with all of her cosmetic enhancements looking beautiful going out on the town (giving the perception that is all she is). I some times forget she is a mom which is something I have not witnessed or have seen her in action. That behind all the enhancements she is a mom! She is also a strong independent woman that is smart, own her own business, manages her own finances, makes her own decisions, drives herself, etc. My XW was the polar opposite, managed no finances, really made no decisions for the family, definitely didn't shoot guns or clear the fence line on her ranch, ride around in a Polaris, etc. She didn't even do yard work at our house.
Friday night we went out, listened to a band and got tipsy. The conversation got deep at one point, her telling me how much she likes and I falling in love with me. Then she started to tear up as she was telling me what a good person I am, knows the value I bring, apologizing for how bad my XW hurt me, and how she can "see" me. It was probably the alcohol talking more than anything but it was an interesting moment for sure. We have spoken about our former marriages, what happened, the effects on us etc. as we have gotten closer and learn more about each other but it certainly has not dominated our conversations. I guess it has been something that has been on her mind for her to bring it up. Still no kid meeting talk yet, just the acknowledgement that it will happen at some point. No "I love you" words have been shared yet either.
She also told me that she is really scared as she has not found a reason yet to get ride of me and usually it is very easy for her to dismiss people she is dating.
I left her place Saturday morning to go to my daughter's soccer games then back to her place afterwards so we could drive out to her ranch. We hung out there the rest of the day Saturday, shot her AR 15, did some work around the place and consumed some adult beverages. No in-depth convo's Saturday but we were both really tired and fell asleep pretty early. We woke up Sunday morning, I made breakfast, then we cleaned up the place then left. We got back home around 1 and then I left to go home as I had a ton of stuff to do around the house. We will see each other again on Saturday.
My girls are aware that I have a friend that makes cupcakes. My oldest asked me if she could bake her a cake. The Dr. did buy me a pillow for her place which I thought was very sweet. I slept much better Saturday night because I took my pillow with me to her ranch.
I am starting to see a future with the Dr. I still feel very centered though emotionally and don't feel this need to spend every waking moment with her. I do feel that my emotions are starting to get engaged. I feel very comfortable around her, that I can be myself. I don't feel pressure to be someone I am not. She doesn't care about my money, what I make, where I take her, what I can do for her in that regard, etc. She is very down to earth and practical. She is not a lavish spender, shops at second hand stores, uses coupons, doesn't have a fancy car, or jewelry, clothes, etc. I think at times it was hard for me to get past her enhancements to see her for who she truly is.
her telling me how much she likes and I falling in love with me.
Well - you've gotten that now too. Are you ok with it?
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
My oldest birthday is tomorrow....the big 10!! That girl has went through quite a bit over the last couple of years and I am very proud of her. She is a very happy 10 yr old girl that loves her phone! I got her one of the Hoover boards.
On Saturday I asked the Dr. how she failed in her marriage. She told me she should have been more supportive of her husband, more understanding that she wasn't there for him when he needed her the most. I thought that was good perspective on her part. She said he didn't have the capacity/strength to help himself. She also said that she did make it clear to him that their R wasn't working but he didn't take what she conveyed to him seriously. Ultimately when they did Divorce it was a joint decision and he wanted out to.
I do think she is ready to meet my girls and I am scared to meet her son. She told me on Friday she would never push me to make it happen. I think both of us not pushing each other is the reason why we have lasted as long as we have. I am still looking around the 6 month mark, as we are only a couple of weeks away from 4 months. She has sent me quite a few pictures of him and he is a really cute kid.
She sent me a text on Sunday night "thanking" me for breakfast. Told me how much she appreciated me cooking for her and cleaning up the kitchen. She just wanted to me to know that it didn't go unnoticed. I thought that was really cool. We discussed just dating and not getting married again. She told me that she wants someone to come to, to share her day with, someone that will be there with her the companionship, etc.
It doesn't mean it will be her and I together but I did enjoy getting insight into her thoughts.
As far as the kid introduction thing goes, since they are younger, you may want to read back on Ginger1's thread about how it went there. It was pretty much a non-event but that was because they both put some thought in to making it a non-event. For B and I we just treated it as "normal" - having dinner with her daughter and her family, S24 waving as he wandered through the house engaged in his own life .... And yes - I was pretty nervous too.
Once that hurdle is past you'll find opportunities to get together to expand.
And for heaven's sake, stop being so analytical and just relax - people have been dating and getting together for a very long time
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
Well I think I made the dr mad this morning. She makes cupcakes and I didnt ask her to make any for my daughters birthday today. My plan was to go to Kroger this morning and get her just 1 so I could put a candle in it and sing happy birthday to her this morning. When I got to the store this morning I just thought it would be a good idea to get more so she could share with her class. So I sent the dr a picture saying they are not hers but will have to do. The dr has never responded which is not like her. Come to find out the school wouldn't allow them so I have 25 cupcakes to some how get rid of.
Maybe she's just wrapped up in something and hasn't had a chance to respond yet. That seems like an odd thing to get mad about. I love to bake and if someone sent me a message that said what yours did, I would be the total opposite of mad....it would make me feel good that they thought highly of what I did. As far as getting rid of the cupcakes, do NOT stand outside the school calling random kids over and offering them to them........I would think that would get you arrested.
Me 52, H53 Bomb drop 9/29/2014 Divorce from XH final 12/17/2014 Marriage #2 12/31/2019 5 adult (step)daughters (3 from XH's first marriage, 2 from current H's previous relationships) 6 grandkids
Thanks D.....she had offered to make a cake but since she hasn't met my girls yet I felt a little awkward accepting so I just kind of blew it off. Last night we spoke about her bringing some over to my place but with her son and my girls we couldn't coordinate a time. I did mention going to Kroger in the am and getting some for my Daughter I just didn't think at the time I would buy for her entire class. It really was a spur of the moment decision so I hope I didn't offend her.
It's just not like her to go 3 hours without getting back to me. At this point though I have no clue that she is mad it is just me assuming.
She has given me cupcakes before for my girls and when my girls asked where I got them I just said a friend.
Well....there you go....ASS-uming. Don't do that. LOL I knew she'd made cupcakes before, but I really wouldn't sweat it if she offered but y'all couldn't work out the timing. If she's truly offended by that, I might see that as a bit of a flag. Not necessarily a red one, but certainly a yellow one.
Me 52, H53 Bomb drop 9/29/2014 Divorce from XH final 12/17/2014 Marriage #2 12/31/2019 5 adult (step)daughters (3 from XH's first marriage, 2 from current H's previous relationships) 6 grandkids
It's just not like her to go 3 hours without getting back to me. At this point though I have no clue that she is mad it is just me assuming.
LOL - maybe she's getting a pedicure. Or working. Or nude sky-diving.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
Well she reached out didn't mention anything about being upset so I just let it go. I will say it does seem to me that she has backed off some. Not sure what it has to do with but now that she has it definitely has increased my interest. Funny how that works.
There is an event in our town on Saturday for families that she is taking her son to. In fact she has mentioned it twice. I am not sure if this is her indirect way of throwing things out there to see if I would be interested in bringing my girls or if she is just sharing for general information. I just said oh cool that sounds like fun and then we moved on to the next topic of conversation.
She told me she would never push me I just wonder if she is starting to get frustrated because I am not pushing anything either.
I played basketball this morning with my group of guys. They were asking me how I was doing, asking about dating, etc. It ends up that one of the guys I play basketball with used to be related to her by marriage. His sister's, aunt is the brother of the Dr.'s XH. What a small world. My buddy told me she is super nice, her kid is really cool, and that her XH was a d-bag. He said she is completely normal, outside of her guns, and I didn't have anything to worry about.
She told me she would never push me I just wonder if she is starting to get frustrated because I am not pushing anything either.
Ding! Ding! Ding! Ding!
Originally Posted by TBSakaJ9
He said she is completely normal, outside of her guns, and I didn't have anything to worry about.
Which - ahem - guns was he referring to?
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
She perhaps hasn't gotten the "everyone says" advice?
My own opinion - and I'm certainly not a pro at this and certainly don't know what is happening on the ground - is that she's given you an ILU albeit a slightly drunk one, she wants to bake cupcakes for your daughters, she's told her friends a while ago that you may be "the one" and you are being distant and stand-offish.
Have you had an honest talk with her about meeting the kids / kids meeting each other? Talks about "I see a future with you"? I know that I am moving at warp speed compared to you and to the suggestions of most on here but when B and I were talking about her maybe moving in, she was joking that "kids" make that choice in weeks and were wondering why it was taking us months.
If you in your heart feel that 6 months is the guideline that you want to follow - have you told her that? She can't read your mind.
No I don't know you from J anybody J9, but you seem to be a cautious, reserved, analytical guy who is perhaps a bit anal about following the instructions on the tooth-pick packet (Hitch hiker's guid reference). But not everyone reads the packet. What do you think her expectations and wishes are? Can you meet them? Do you want to meet them?
And for heaven's sake, if you do have a relationship talk - don't use PowerPoint slides
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
I told her 6 months early on she said she heard that but I thought it was too long. Then the conversation got dropped and she has not brought it up directly again.
I have told her that I really like her, could see myself falling in love with her, really enjoy our time together, and told her I wasn't going anywhere. I also told her I was scared and she said she was as well.
In two weeks it will be 4 months and meeting my kids is different than having full blown dinner and sleep overs. Just because she meets them doesn't mean we will immediately start hanging out as one big happy family.
Really at this point there is no reason not to other than we have only known each other for just under 4 months. She is a smart, educated, disease free, Doctor that owns her own practice in our town. I can see a future with her but obviously I have no idea if it will end in marriage.
I don't have the benefit of some on the board of having to deal with younger children through the divorce and dating process so I'm sure my advice/opinion really doesn't even matter, but I understand why everyone is saying wait a minimum of 6 months. I do have very young grandchildren and for the oldest, it was confusing to her when she met Sparky. She kept calling him "Pops" which is what she calls my XH and I kept having to correct her and it is hard and they don't get it. All she knew was that Grandma Dawn's "husband" was Pops and this man must be Pops since he is obviously my husband. I introduced Sparky to my daughters and grandkids around month 7 1/2, almost 8.
Having said all that, though, you and the good dr. have to do what works for your situation. I agree with what Andrew said that maybe the dr. hasn't gotten what "everyone else" says and that may be why you are sensing some weirdness. You, yourself, said in an earlier post that the main reason you were waiting 6 months is because that is what others were telling you to do. Does that FEEL right to you, though, or are you ok making some informal introductions now? Like Andrew said, I get that you are super analytical and an over-thinker on top of that and you obviously read a lot and put a lot of thought into what you do read and that is a good thing, but you are the only with boots on the ground, so to speak, so I think that it is something you and the dr. have to navigate together. You said you told her 6 months earlier and she said she's heard that but thought it was too long then y'all dropped the conversation. Maybe y'all should pick it back up again. I get that neither of you want to push, but at some point, if nobody pushes, you are both stuck in this weird limbo where you are second-guessing yourselves and each other and you, J9, use that to over-analyze.
Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying you should run out and introduce your kids tomorrow. I'm also not saying that once you do introduce them, y'all are going to become an instant family. But, maybe this event this weekend that she mentioned is a good, no-pressure way to go about it. It has been my experience with women (mainly because I am one) if they mention something, it is not usually just mentioning it in general, but mentioning with a purpose in mind, whether they explicitly state that purpose or not. For example, I saw an event flyer for something the other day that I'm interested in going to. I mentioned it to Sparky, kind of in passing, and then we moved on to another conversation. I know at some point, I will have to bring it up again and come out and say I want to go because men don't usually pick up on subtle cues, even if we, as women think they aren't super subtle. I thought I was pretty clear in saying "this sounds fun, we should go". Apparently not clear enough............See what I'm saying?
Above all, people are giving you good advice and again, I'm not necessarily saying you shouldn't follow the 6 month rule. I'm saying listen to advice, but also think very seriously about what is best for you, your kids, the dr. her son and then make the most informed decision you can. You like the dr and she likes you. That is where you are right now. You have NO idea what the future holds. And, if you do, then come sit by me and let's talk about my future too, because wouldn't that be nice to have the gift of KNOWING what is coming.
Me 52, H53 Bomb drop 9/29/2014 Divorce from XH final 12/17/2014 Marriage #2 12/31/2019 5 adult (step)daughters (3 from XH's first marriage, 2 from current H's previous relationships) 6 grandkids
If you said 6 months then it’s 6 months. I just went out with a girl whose profile read “ I want a man who is true to his word”. If you back down now then she will undoubtedly continue to test you. If you stay true to your word, even though she may not agree, she will respect you.
If she pushes you just say “sugar _______s, I love spending time with you, I adore you and enjoy what we have but I am just not ready to introduce you to my girls yet. I hope you understand. Make it clear that it isn’t about her it’s about what you feel is right for you and your girls.
Please start a new thread and link them together. Thanks!
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Little late to this convo and I am not the experience guy in this sitch. My 2 cents would be that meeting your kids should be the prize. She has to be ready and prove that she is emotionally stable to receive that prize. 6 month min, but probably more like 1 year. Don't let her dictate the pace.
H(37) W(35) D8, D5, S3 T20, M13 BD 8/31/18 EA Discovered 9/13/18 Mediation 10/3/18 W files for D 10/12/18 W moves out 11/10/18 EA confirmed 12/25/18 D Final 1/10/19
My buddy told me she is super nice, her kid is really cool, and that her XH was a d-bag. He said she is completely normal, outside of her guns, and I didn't have anything to worry about.
Really nice to have outside confirmation! So often we don't have that when online dating.
If she pushes on the kids' meeting thing, you can present it as "you told me up front most of your relationships don't last past three months. I know we're doing great and I'm really happy about that, but I don't want to risk my kids getting attached until I know this is going to last.
Puts the onus more on her than a "I don't know for sure if I'll stick around." See how I did that?
So just one thing I wanted to put out there about timelines and when to do what. Most here can tell a story about how we knew, or thought we knew someone for years who turned out to be someone completely different.
Even those who have post D dated have often invested months or even years taking things slow and getting to know another person only to realise after much investment that it's not going to work.
Now you J9 do have the additional complication and responsibility to protect your girls and we all agree that is paramount.
There's an old and undoubtedly apocryphal story that the head engineer at NASA had a sign on his wall saying At some point in any project it is necessary to shoot the engineers and begin production
There are no guarantees. There are no rules. To quote the fictional ancient philosophers Captain Hector Barabosa "These are what we like to call guidelines rather than actual rules"
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
Wow, rationalization really is a strong drive. In two weeks it will be four months? Huh? Or put another way, right now at 3.5 months it's just two weeks past the half way point! Funny how rules are just guidelines or rules are meant to be broken when we want to break them! More rationalization.
Here's the thing, this 6 month "rule" is meant as an absolute bare minimum. Many say it is one year in fact I've seen many report that their actual divorce decree says they have to wait one year to introduce kids. It's something they both agreed on or at least negotiated to - based on very sound advice.
Here's the even bigger thing - this is not about you or the doctor or anyone else - it's about YOUR KIDS. That should be the most important thing here - your young kids, who have already gone through a whole lot because of this D. If you think it's okay to bend the rules and risk the kids - by all means, go ahead and do it now. But make no mistake, if you go ahead and blend things now, you are doing what is best for you or for doctor - NOT what is best for your kids.
This is the first R you've been in post D. You are the first guy with this doctor to even make it past three months. Is it really worth the risk? It may go well. It may go fine. It may not be an issue - or the kids might get introduced, start to get attached, really like her son, really like her only for something to break the two of you apart. THIS is what this MINIMUM 6 month rule is about. I get the feeling even if you do wait, you'll be counting down the days and on day 183 you'll introduce everybody. That's not even how the "experts" (not us here on this board but real experts) suggest it be done. They say wait a MINIMUM of 6 months because that is the MINIMUM amount of time it takes to have a small ability to know who this other person is. It may well take more than a year to be sure - or at least reasonably sure.
And I might add, we are more talking about younger kids here although the "rule" does apply to older as well. It's the biggest deal for those in the single digits. It's less difficult for teens and far less difficult for adult children of D'd parents. But for those who are 3 or 4 or 6 or even 10, it's a much, much bigger deal.
But whatever you do, please, please, please keep in mind this is not about what you want. It's not about what the doctor wants. It's about what is best for your kids - or at least it should be.
DonH Midwest Me 56 WAW-EXW 55 Met 11/95 / Married 5/00 Bomb 6/20/05 / She Filed on 6/2/06 / Divorced on 10/9/06 4 who'd qualify as GF since D & dated about 25 women since D
I'm watching this blending going so early on right now with exW and her new bf. I think they've made it past the 3 month mark and have blended the families as if they've been together for years. It is quite shocking and concerning to watch. I don't have any control so I can't do much about it. All I am doing is being super solid for my kids and making sure they're good.
They both did this precisely for themselves so that they could spend more time. She told me her rationalization for having him meet the kids so early on and I call it baloney. It was about her and him, and not the kids. Which also makes me concerned when it comes to the bf - his judgment is suspect. Knowing his past marriage and what happened, both seem to be wanting to fill a void in their lives and it's clouding their judgment on what's best for the kids. I am super annoyed about it and I am watching the kids very closely.
If they break up, this is going to have an impact on the kids for sure. They're pretty attached to his kids and have gotten used to having him around. I wanna smack both of them across the heads to bring some sense to them but it's already too late. ExW is selfish and impatient and the kids will pay the price for her actions.
So, I concur with everything Don said, and others that have cautioned you against changing up the timeline. I think you should have a honest convo with her rather than brushing off her comments because that comes across as dismissive. If she doesn't like your stance on this then that's her problem.
She doesn't spend any money on her hair. Says she gets it cut twice a year at Great Clips. She doesn't get her nails done or her toes (she does those herself).
