Not sure why she didn't bring her BF or maybe he has something to do with his own family. I didn't ask, none of my business so I just enjoyed my girls and our mutual family friends. I didn't feel an ounce of anything for my xw although she still had a couple slips of the tongue. Our friends need helping moving and they asked me if I could help them on Thursday. I told them I couldn't due to my oldest's soccer game. The xw looked at me and started to make a comment about me skipping the game to help them. Then our friend jumped in and told my x wife that cord has been cut, you no longer have a say. The X just made a face.
Hung out and hooked up with the dr. last night for a couple of hours after her son went to bed. She told me she wished it was Saturday night because she didn't want to let me go. No new developments. Our schedules are aligned this weekend with no kids so we will have ample time to spend with each other.
I think she is starting to catch feelings and I guess in some respects I am as well. I think I am starting to see now as you get older that love is more of a choice. I think when I was younger it was more of an emotion and you rode that emotion into something more or when the emotions faded you made the choice. IDK with this it just feels like there is no rush, no pressure, in some respects it seems very relaxed. I get the feeling that she is not going any where just by her actions and comments she makes.
I think for me I am still getting there but I guess that is to be expected after only 3 months and being blindsided by a D.
Now love just seems like more of a choice. I enjoy the Dr.s company, we have lots of sex, our lifestyles are the same with young kids, and we share similiar beliefs but I don't need her. I don't want her money, have no problems signing a pre-nup if it ever came to that but I can see how we would be a compliment to each other's lives. At this age is that most important?
Now love just seems like more of a choice. I enjoy the Dr.s company, we have lots of sex, our lifestyles are the same with young kids, and we share similiar beliefs but I don't need her. I don't want her money, have no problems signing a pre-nup if it ever came to that but I can see how we would be a compliment to each other's lives. At this age is that most important?
Is it the most important to you? Because if it is, then there is your answer. What is most important to one may or may not be important to another. I agree with what you said about love being a choice, to a certain extent. I still think it is an emotion, I just think by the age we are now (and granted I'm a good bit older than you, so this may be even more likely for me), we know how to love in a very real way without having that roller coaster of lust attached. Again, not saying sex and being sexually attracted and sexually compatible aren't important because they are, but I think as we age, that raw emotional, lusty, dramatic thing that we thought love was in our earlier years is not so prevalent. As we age, love becomes more about working together as a team, taking care of each other when we're sick and the like. At least, that is my take on it. And, maybe others agree and maybe they don't.
One of the first things my XH said to me when we decided to get married was that one of the things he loved about me was that I took care of myself and was totally independent and I didn't need him, but I plainly wanted him in my life and he found that very attractive. Sparky has actually told me something very similar. He said I obviously have no problem handling my own sh!t, but it is pretty obvious that I want to be with him and share my life with him and that is a very attractive quality. There's a vast difference in those 2 things...needing and wanting.
I know you keep saying you are an overthinker and I get that because I'm one too, but you really are way overthinking the whole thing. Just relax and enjoy and see where it goes. If you are feeling her and she is feeling you then keep going. If not, then bow out gracefully and move on. You are so early on that there really isn't a need to get too far gone here. Just let things develop naturally. Get out of your own head and just be in the moment with her and see how that feels. Thinking about it too much can sometimes be a bad thing. Right now, you like her and she likes you and y'all have great sex. Take that for what it is and just enjoy it. Above all, just be honest with her and if at some point, you aren't feeling it anymore, tell her. I get the impression, from your posts, that you keep waiting for some sign or feeling like you got with your XW and that isn't necessarily going to happen because you are older, more mature, understand love and relationships better now. Infatuation is not as likely now and more genuine emotions are, so just roll with it.
Me 52, H53 Bomb drop 9/29/2014 Divorce from XH final 12/17/2014 Marriage #2 12/31/2019 5 adult (step)daughters (3 from XH's first marriage, 2 from current H's previous relationships) 6 grandkids
I think what’s harder this time around is that we now know that love and relationships are transitory. I know that when I moved in with and later married my ex husband, I assumed that this was gonna be a forever thing. That we were family and that family love never ends. That neither of us would do anything that would justify ending love. I did not think he would one day not love me any more. But what is love? Love for a child is unconditional. For a partner it simply cannot be. But to commit it has to be there. It has to be wanted and chosen maybe? Or maybe only some are capable of it and that’s a blessed thing for a person to be capable of it. The Lin Manuel sonnet is so beautiful... love is love is love is love is love cannot be killed or swept aside.
I think maybe many of our exes simply did not love us. Not real love. It could be they are not capable. Or loved the concept of marriage and partnership but not the actual person.
I know this is a pretty crazy comparison, but you know how during a first round of cancer it’s a lot easier signing up for chemotherapy then the 2nd round? 1st round, you don’t truly know the suffering until you experience it. People that have to do it twice enter that 2nd round with a completely different mind set. They are not as optimistic. They consider not doing it. They go in weary and more defeated. I kind of feel like that when thinking about a new relationship. I know that there is going to be eventual discord and resentment. I know there’s the potential for infidelity and rejection and heartache. So what will keep me committed or him committed now that we both know there’s no need to stay. That would theoretically be love right? But how do you fall in love with someone else when you know the pain factor? I think love requires a vulnerability. You love this person and will risk hurt in order to love them then. That’s not really a linear logic though.
I think that’s why it’s so easy for walkaways to feel that intense limeraci. Why they seem to have an easy time meeting others and many of us LBS struggle. I think we hold back on love because we know the potential for suffering in a different way then they do. I think many of them never truly loved like we did.
Again, it doesn’t answer any questions about what love is. But I think to love, there is a selflessness to it.
So maybe it is part emotion but probably more choice. It is easy to stay and Love when things are going well and positive emotions are being experienced. Much harder to stay and Love when things are not going well and things are challenging.
I also don't think there is a perfect partner out there for any of us so if you do choose to Love you are willing to accept that person as is and all of their flaws. If you're not open to Love then I assume you will dismiss the person when you observe their slightest imperfection/flaw.
The Dr. has said that she will get married again but when we are out she comments on all the married people that are on their phones, seemingly disconnected from what is going on with their partner. I am definitely guilty of that when I was married.
I guess in order for it to last it takes two people that are very aware of what it takes to make Love and a R last, that are willing to communicate about it and continue to share the same values about commitment, etc?
I think you hit the nail squarely on the head....COMMUNICATE!!!!!!!!!!
Me 52, H53 Bomb drop 9/29/2014 Divorce from XH final 12/17/2014 Marriage #2 12/31/2019 5 adult (step)daughters (3 from XH's first marriage, 2 from current H's previous relationships) 6 grandkids
So why get married again? Why do that knowing what you know now? It just seems to be so hard to make it work long term when you see all the miserable people out there and the D rate so high. As we all know from our DB teachings it's just a piece of paper. Why not just continue to hang out, hook up and have fun? I suppose you could still live with one another so you get some financial benefits.
I think every one has to answer that for themselves. One person's reason might or might not fit another's situation. I have personally never subscribed to that whole "it's only paper" thing. Marriage means something to me. Being married is important to me. I didn't want to get a divorce, but that is where I landed, so I had to roll with it. My intention and one of the reasons I waited so long the first time to get married was that I fully intended to be married to that person until one of us was no longer here. But life happens and I realize that is a bit of a Pollyanna outlook. It doesn't work for everyone. Sure, some people do believe marriage is just a piece of paper and, likely, those people are just as committed to their relationship as some people who are legally married are. I'm not judging those people...their marriage or lack thereof is absolutely none of my business. Sparky's previous relationship was a living together but not legally married situation, but Sparky, like me, is the marrying kind and he wanted to marry his XGF, but she didn't "believe in marriage" so she wouldn't legally marry him. So, I guess we fit well. We can hang out, hook up and have fun and still be legally married.
I liked being a wife. I like being a girlfriend, but I like being a wife even more. I really don't know how to explain it...not sure if it is the old-fashioned part of me or what, but I want that "only paper". I want his last name. I want to say "this is my husband" and know that he is telling people I am his wife. It isn't a sense of ownership so much as a sense of pride that we are a team and we belong together. But, like I said in the beginning, that is MY thoughts and feelings, and fortunately, Sparky is in total agreement with me and we are on the same page. Not everyone feels that way and they have to make the right choice for them.
Me 52, H53 Bomb drop 9/29/2014 Divorce from XH final 12/17/2014 Marriage #2 12/31/2019 5 adult (step)daughters (3 from XH's first marriage, 2 from current H's previous relationships) 6 grandkids
I do NOT plan to remarry. The process of divorce was such a pain in the neck, and I don't want to be financially tied to anyone ever again. Yeah, I could get a good prenup but right now in my life I don't see any reason to actually tie the knot. I would love to have a monogamous long term partner to count on and be close to, but frankly I don't even require they live with me - there are pros and cons to that!
I guess I no longer believe that marriage is any assurance of fidelity, and if a guy can be faithful to me I don't need him to marry me to prove it. I think marriage is best for young people having a family together. I can give powers of attorney for healthcare decisions to a partner and include him in my will if I'm so inclined, so those reasons for marrying are moot. And I don't need financial support from a partner.
I do think some people want to be married because they value the "pick me" part of it - being chosen makes people feel good, no doubt. But at my age I don't feel the need for that external validation.
Now, since you both have young kids, I could understand wanting to get married before living together just to set that example for your children. But I sure wouldn't be in any hurry.
And btw, you ARE overthinking this! It's only been 3 months and you're trying to decide if you'll marry her. Let the future be and just spend your time in the present getting to know her better. Anybody can look good for the first three months. It takes time for the friction points in a relationship to start showing.
Well there is definitely no hurry for any of it. I felt her crank up the intensity last night though so I think that makes me feel a little pressure but will just stick with the 3 H's.
I agree with the monogamous LTP. I don't know that I need to necessarily be married again but I do think about my daughters and them seeing me in a healthy R as they grow up. I know that doesn't mean that I need to get married but just the idea that they have a feeling of a family with a mom and dad since they won't get that from me and their mom.
I don't know if I articulated the properly or not so hopefully you get what I was trying to say.
You have taken your overthinking to a new level! Just chill. If you don’t want what she wants, then graciously bow out. If there is a possibility you do, continue on. 3 months, my friend.
And you marrying another woman will not give your kids the experience of being with mom and dad. Your kids have a mom. It doesn’t mimic that. It’s a completely different experience . Will they get a chance to see how their dad is in a relationship? Yes. Will they another adult present that cares for them? Yes. But you aren’t going to recreate the mom and dad experience. And you don’t need to be married because that doesn’t make her “mom”
Marriage or remarriage is a personal choice. I don’t need it. Do I want it? I don’t even know sometimes I hate that wasted the covenant of marriage on my douchebag ex who never gave a crap about me and was barely 4 years long. I had my daughter, but I’m talking about between a husband and wife. Maybe if marriage was a guarantee of fidelity I would be into it, but it most certainly is not.
Working in healthcare, I often run into domestic partnership issues. There can be a significant other of anpatient where they have been living together 20 years, but cannot make medical decisions unless they are designated POA. I think of those things. Legally, a partnership without marriage still that needs to be legally sorted.
That’s my view on marriage. If you saw my post, I am finally thinking about that stuff. It’s the first time this stuff has become real for me. But still seems so far off. And I still tell M that I don’t want him to go in the morning 😊. But that’s not me trying to lock him down. That’s me expressing how much I love spending time with him.
