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Terapin #2833749 01/21/19 10:51 PM
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Reset expectations T and keep GAL. She’s not there, she is not even close IMHO. You need to keep DB.
Is she into IC?


WW H(me): 53
W: 48
T: 27 M: 22
S: 18
Piecing since 03/2016
Saw the light in the storm
neffer #2833750 01/21/19 10:59 PM
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Originally Posted by neffer
Reset expectations T and keep GAL. She’s not there, she is not even close IMHO. You need to keep DB.
Is she into IC?


She was going to IC, for about 3 months. She stopped because she felt she got all she could from it, and would just stick w/ MC.

If she's not even close, then I think it's a lost cause. A small peck kiss in 4 months? At that rate sex will occur in about 12 years.

But you're right, I haven't done much GALing lately, and aside from some 180s from past behaviors (validation, listening, acts of service, etc), I've probably been too available. Our son wrestles, and I'm a coach, so most of our week is spent at practice, then a tournament on the weekend. not too much time to GAL


Married: 15yrs
Ages: Me 49, W 44
Kids: S12
BD: around 4/14

Terapin #2845951 04/18/19 02:25 PM
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Hi everyone. Wow, I can't believe it's been like 3 months since my last post. I"m not even sure who's here anymore!

Me personally, I've been super busy with my son's wrestling, and now his wrestling and soccer. It's crazy. I"ve also been swamped at work, and with IT now monitoring activities, I haven't been able to really post at work.

It's hard to think back over the past 3 months. Just a quick summary I guess, W and I are still together, and still plugging along in MC. There have been a few small arguments, but nothing major, and we seem to be getting along well.

About 3 weeks ago we finally had sex. She initiated. Unfortunately, since it's been so long, it wasn't one of my finer moments! lol. We haven't had anything since, and she said in MC that one reason is because of her fear of getting pregnant again. I guess we've both been really busy too, so there hasn't been a ton of opportunities.

We're pretty deep into planning a vacation for this summer, and we've both been really involved with our sons sports and activities. In the past, we'd take turns taking him to things, but now we're attending together. And maybe the best thing about all of this is, our son has been much better too (now has certain routines, is better behaved, etc).

The atmosphere in our house has been a lot lighter and happier, even though we're certainly not 100% where we want or need to be. Like I said, we still have our ups and downs, but our downs aren't nearly as low as they've been in the past. We're also at least trying to incorporate more date nights and quality time just for us.

It's been a slow, long, and sometimes painful process, but I give a ton of credit to our counselor, and also to both of us for putting in the effort. I also can't thank this board enough (especially Steve, Over, AS, etc), cause without them I'd be divorced right now. I'll try to check in a bit more now that things have settled down a bit.


Married: 15yrs
Ages: Me 49, W 44
Kids: S12
BD: around 4/14

Terapin #2845976 04/18/19 04:54 PM
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T, good to hear buddy!

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The atmosphere in our house has been a lot lighter and happier, even though we're certainly not 100% where we want or need to be. Like I said, we still have our ups and downs, but our downs aren't nearly as low as they've been in the past. We're also at least trying to incorporate more date nights and quality time just for us.


This is huge. I am on record as saying that a big factor on my sitch's turnaround was the lightening of the atmosphere in our house. My W as resistant to embrace it as the new norm at first, but I think she is trusting it more now. Even my D has started to come around on it.

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We haven't had anything since, and she said in MC that one reason is because of her fear of getting pregnant again.


Vasectomy time?


M(53), W(54),D(19)
M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017
Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Terapin #2845977 04/18/19 04:56 PM
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T, most all of us are still hanging around :-) Sounds like things are going well enough, congrats and thanks for the update! Since she initiated sex 3 weeks ago maybe she's waiting for you to initiate this time? I understand the fear of pregnancy but there is a LOT that falls under the umbrella of "sex" other than the kind that results in pregnancy. That kind accounts for maybe 10% of the sexual activities my GF and I engage in. Get creative :-)


Me: 60 w/ S18, D24, D27

M: 21 years; BD: 06-14-12; S: 09-10-12; D final: 03-17-14; XW:57
Terapin #2845979 04/18/19 05:07 PM
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Hi T,

I am glad you are making progress. I really like reading the posts on here from people who managed to not get divorced and are working on staying married. Keep up the momentum,


H(37) W(35)
D8, D5, S3
T20, M13
BD 8/31/18
EA Discovered 9/13/18
Mediation 10/3/18
W files for D 10/12/18
W moves out 11/10/18
EA confirmed 12/25/18
D Final 1/10/19
Terapin #2846512 04/23/19 06:14 PM
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Thanks guys. It certainly has been a long, strange trip. And it's not over yet. We've still got a ways to go.

Last week at MC we both acknowledged that we seem to be falling back into old routines. Not as bad as pre BD, but not really working towards stuff as much as we did a few months ago. Maybe settling into a new norm is a more accurate description?

As far as sex, yeah, that's till frustrating. She's brought up the birth control issue once or twice before over the last year or two, but I kinda assumed that was just what was up next on her 'not wanting to have sex' rolodex. I'm sure there's something to it, but still seems like an excuse. I'm pretty damn squimish about a vasectomy, and just don't think it's worth it if we're only having sex once a month or something.

But I guess overall things are looking pretty good. That being said, a college friend of hers is getting married next month, and in a few weeks all the girls from grad school (and W) are going to Florida for a long weekend. She booked the flight and stuff last summer, when we were on the verge of D. I guess I'm fine with it. It's always tough being a single parent for a few days when we and our kid isn't used to it, but we'll manage. She said that because of this trip, I should take a trip somewhere with my friends. Maybe I will, maybe not. I hate the idea of 'separate' vacations, but it may not be a bad idea somewhere down the road


Married: 15yrs
Ages: Me 49, W 44
Kids: S12
BD: around 4/14

Terapin #2846516 04/23/19 06:40 PM
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Originally Posted by Terapin
I'm pretty damn squimish about a vasectomy, and just don't think it's worth it if we're only having sex once a month or something.


What if you go and get one (MAN UP!) and she thinks....hmmm, he is serious about this. And it reignites her sex drive? And once a month turns into once a week?

Oh, and I would have killed for once a month for years in my marriage.


M(53), W(54),D(19)
M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017
Ring and Piecing since March 2018
SteveLW #2846519 04/23/19 06:51 PM
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Originally Posted by Steve85
Originally Posted by Terapin
I'm pretty damn squimish about a vasectomy, and just don't think it's worth it if we're only having sex once a month or something.


What if you go and get one (MAN UP!) and she thinks....hmmm, he is serious about this. And it reignites her sex drive? And once a month turns into once a week?

Oh, and I would have killed for once a month for years in my marriage.



guess i had a good one, no less then 2-3 times a week smile for 17 years

Last edited by bubbs16; 04/23/19 06:52 PM.
Terapin #2846526 04/23/19 07:03 PM
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T,

I don’t think because you had sex one time you are close to being out of the woods yet. If you want this to work you should be careful not to get complacent and fall into old habits.

Like AS there are 100s of ways to have sex and avoid pregnancy. Not to mention several birth control options.

Be careful especially on this board about complaining about single parenting for a couple of days. If you are complaining about it to her you will come off as needy and clingy. You should encourage her to travel on her own as she did with you.

If we learned anything on this board it is a great marriage is hard work.

Good luck my man!

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