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Even though you are feeling the full force of uncertainty at the moment, I still like your updates. To me, they still resonate with optimism.

I was going to respond to your last post about breaking up with the prof.

Originally Posted by Davide
I felt like my feelings weren't deepening, and I was feeling guilty that I couldn't reciprocate the love and support she was giving me. It was making me feel bad to the point that I almost didn't want to see her.


Davide - and I say this with respect and gratitude for all the support you've given me, is it possible, that maybe, you think too much ??

The quote from the subtle art is probably pretty spot on ... for where you are today. Today you are possibly looking reasons to not be in a stable relationship because subconsciously you might have to commit and then put yourself at risk. So, you are attracted to 'unstable' because, well, you might have fun, but you're never really going to commit ... so your heart remains protected.

This state is temporary. It does not define you as a person. Your heart will heal and it will open again. Give it time. For now. Try not overthink. Live in the present. Let what will happen happen. If you happen to break off another 'stable' relationship, it is because you sub-consciously weren't ready. And that's OK.


W40 (me), H40
M14, Together 16
D12, D9

BD Oct 17
Moved out Mar 18

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Glad to read that the first thing you post in your update is a job related theme. It does reassure that you have done a terrible DB my friend ;-)

Just choose what makes you happier D, if itīs about freedom to teach and you havenīt got any offer...itīs up to you and youīll be doing well whatever your choice.

You are a DB master D, keep that road.

My best wishes go with you dear brother. Keep on that terrible DB coming!


WW H(me): 53
W: 48
T: 27 M: 22
S: 18
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I appreciate all the support folks!

Still no word on the job front. Uncertainty... it's all good. I had a nice yoga session this morning. This weekend I have an old friend from college coming in to spend 4 nights with me. She is super low-maintenance which is good because I have no idea what we'll do, and I don't have a car to explore much. Maybe we'll rent one.

I went on a date last night, nice enough woman, in very good shape as she owns a pilates studio. She has traveled a lot on her own, and is very self-sufficient. Unfortunately, I immediately knew that we weren't a great a fit. Still, we had a fun conversation and shared a couple of beers and I learned about Pilates. My metric for a successful first date is a good conversation and meeting an interesting person, and that has served me well. There's another one tonight, so we'll see!

AS,

Thanks for chiming in. I don't feel like that is my m.o. either, it just scared me. You could certainly be right about still having walls up. I like to think that I am open to new experiences, and willing to make myself vulnerable, but perhaps that is just surface level. I would be happier believing that there was a lack of chemistry rather than that my own emotional walls blocked it because she was such a quality person.

FS,

Hahaha.... yeah, I might overthink things just a tad! Clearly I suffer at least somewhat from paralysis by analysis. That comes through here, and I'm not blind to it at all. Yoga helps a lot with that as does rock-climbing. I can and do live in the moment a good deal. When I come here I am much more reflective, so that aspect of my personality comes out more.

I don't think I am attracted to unstable necessarily. I don't even know that stability is driving me away. This particular relationship didn't feel like it was working - for me it felt like I lacked an attraction. I was just questioning whether or not there was another underlying subconscious reason.

Neffer,

Gracias de nuevo hermano! Yep. Figuring out what would make me happiest is the crux of the matter. I am fully prepared to take responsibility for my own happiness regardless of the situation. That is MUCH more crucial than where I end up.


W 34 Me 42
Married 7 years together 8
0 kids 1 beloved dog
BD 4/6/2018
I moved out 4/7/2018
I moved back in alone 8/05/2018
I file 3/06/2019
D official 5/7/2019
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Sometimes we don't value that which comes easy. It sounds like there wasn't much of a challenge with her when you started dating which could have been part of the problem. I bet you would look at her differently if she was more aloof, maybe not always available, if she gave you the impression that you were not that important in her life.

From what I read everything seemed to be going fine between you guys until you met her kid. Unless I am missing something I would say you might not be ready for a R yet as your R and your feelings took a downward turn when faced with the prospect of it getting real.

It's very easy to have late night booty calls and dates with no real commitment but taking it to another level coming fresh out of an 8 yr relationship is tough.

It has been 2 years since my XW left and my D has been final for just over a year and I am still struggling with it.


Married 14, Together 17
M: 44, W: 43, D: 8, D: 6
M: 46, W: 45. D: 10. D: 8 (CUR)
Bomb Dropped: 5/28/2017
Separation Date: 6/17/2017
Divorce Filed: 2/7/2018
Divorce Final: 4/12/2018
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Thanks TBSaka for your veteran advice! I'm not sure if my readiness was the deciding factor there or not. It doesn't seem that way to me, but I am well aware that this can certainly be a blind spot for me. Who ever wants to admit to themself that they are unready?

This weekend my college friend came into town (actually she is still here!) It has been a lot of together time, a lot of getting out and walking around the city, a lot of doing things outside of my normal routine - both for better and for worse. It has been great to have someone to spend time with, but I also found myself missing the independence of my single life after a couple of days (she arrived on Friday). Yesterday, I told her that I needed to take some time for myself and go to yoga class to center myself. She, of course, was cool with it.

It was also good to have her around yesterday as I filed the last of my divorce paperwork. I was given a court date in two weeks which I don't need to go to, and assuming everything is in order they will mail out the decrees to me and W within 3 weeks. I texted W to let her know all that information and to let her know that I would be leaving the official court form on the dining room table for her to pick up. I didn't want to just leave the form out there without explanation. She thanked me and picked it up last night. I definitely found myself short and easily annoyed with my friend yesterday right before and after filing. Despite the knowledge that I am doing the right thing and my willingness to move forward, the actual acts are stressful. I have zero regrets about it, but it is still difficult to take.

I never heard back about the job offer in my hometown, which was disappointing as that means they have likely offered it to someone else. I think that mentally I had convinced myself to accept the position despite its limitations just as a way to start over elsewhere. Oh well. This weekend I was struck by an urge to just quit my job at the end of the year and jump into the unknown. The feeling has subsided somewhat but I wonder if it is something I should pursue.

I have a bunch of dates coming up this week, a second date tonight with one woman who loves to hike and be outside. A first date tomorrow with a woman who works at a rental car company but is also working on a novel. I have another with a woman on Friday, and last night I started chatting with a really intelligent and attractive woman who is close to my age. I enjoy meeting these woman and seeing if there is anything real, regardless of how it works out.


W 34 Me 42
Married 7 years together 8
0 kids 1 beloved dog
BD 4/6/2018
I moved out 4/7/2018
I moved back in alone 8/05/2018
I file 3/06/2019
D official 5/7/2019
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Relax D, enjoy the present, face the future. You are there. No anxieties.

Tiempo y paciencia.

Abrazo querido hermano


WW H(me): 53
W: 48
T: 27 M: 22
S: 18
Piecing since 03/2016
Saw the light in the storm
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Weekly update:

The job is officially out so I signed my contract for another year. It's not binding so I could still leave, but at this point I am done actively looking, and I am assuming that I will stay. It was a bit of an ego-blow not to get the offer, but I am okay where I am. Now I can make summer plans without worrying about whether or not I am moving. Perhaps I should also replant the vegetable garden that my W set up in past summers.

On the dating front, I had two poor dates in which there was no connection, another one was actually very interesting but I don't think I will pursue it because the final date was that good. It is another university professor, and it turns out that she works at the same small university as the last woman I dated for two months! It is an incredibly small world! I let her know about that right away because I thought it was better to rip the band-aid off right away rather than let it fester. They are in different departments but she immediately knew who I was talking about before I even mentioned her name, and evidently knows her well enough to comment that her (the other prof's) 3 year old is adorable. That part was a little awkward. However the date in general was spectacular. We were going to meet up for dinner, but the day before she texted me to tell me that she had tickets to a touring musical that was in town, and asked if I wanted to go to the matinee with her, before dinner. So we did. The show was campy, corny fun with a soundtrack full of 90's songs which we both grew up with (she is 5 years younger). Then we walked around town, went to a park, and then a coffee shop for some tea, before we finished the date with an excellent meal at my favorite italian place.

Since we had so much time to talk and since she was not shy about asking me questions, a lot came out for a first date. She asked me all about my divorce, what precipitated it, as well as a lot of family history. However, it wasn't an interrogation. It felt natural, and I was more than happy to be open and honest about it. She also made it very clear that she is looking for someone to settle down with and she is looking to start a family (have kids), which is more than fine with me. Evidently she was in a relationship recently where she was at the point of getting engaged when she found out that the man had lied to her about wanting to start a family and she broke it off because of that.

I am definitely a little infatuated but also wary. She is tall (taller than me in heels!), thin, blond, from an Eastern European country. She was dressed very well but formally (we were going to a musical), and she was almost effervescent in her personality. This is generally not my type at all as I almost never date blondes (very hard in the southern part of the US!), tend towards low-maintenance women and am skeptical of bubbly people. That said, she is clearly very intelligent, very attractive, and knows what she want. She is also a great listener. On so many dates I end up asking all the questions and learning about the other person, but it is rare to find someone who reciprocates, who asks questions and knows how to be present, listen, and follow-up without making it all about themselves. Honestly, right now I'm just trying to slow down my roll as it is quite easy to get ahead of myself. I'll take things as they lie, be present, and be open to the possibilities. That said, I am looking forward to our next date on Saturday.

I have one more first date set up for Tuesday. I am intrigued because this woman graduated from the same university that I did (which is a small one up north, not very well known in these parts.) She also ran track (athletics for the Brits) at there, which I also did. She seems very smart, active, and attractive as well.

Hope all is well with everyone!


W 34 Me 42
Married 7 years together 8
0 kids 1 beloved dog
BD 4/6/2018
I moved out 4/7/2018
I moved back in alone 8/05/2018
I file 3/06/2019
D official 5/7/2019
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I donīt date blondes...hahaha enjoy Bro!


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Haha found a good one possibly? Good deal! I remember you being worried about starting a family but this gives you hope that it could happen. Of course you're right to not get overly excited, but I don't think you shouldn't be at least a little excited.

Good luck Davide, I'm jealous of your summers off.


H 34
W 29
BD 3/12/18
Divorce Busted Spring 19

It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
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I had a wonderful date on Tuesday evening with the woman who attended the same college that I did. She was cute, smart, and interesting. Not only was she a runner (much better than I) in college, but she has continued in that world, working for one of the major sneaker companies. Under other conditions I would be excited for a second date. However, I was already infatuated enough with the (new) prof. that I decided I wanted to focus my attention there. After the date, I let the runner woman know that I really enjoyed our date but was seeing someone else and wanted to pursue it. She wrote back and said she would like to keep in contact as friends. I actually invited her to come climbing on Wednesday with me, so we'll see how that goes.

I was/am infatuated with the prof, though. I would have liked to get together during the week, but she was resistant and was only willing to meet on Saturday. We went to a jazz concert at a tent in a park in the center of town. She was coming from another event and we didn't have time to do a real dinner beforehand, so I proposed a picnic in the park with some Bahn Mi (vietnamese sandwiches). Despite some rain, that worked out very well. We didn't have as much time to talk but the conversation was flowing and interesting the entire time. She was cold at the concert so I wrapped my arm around her shoulder to casually embrace her and shield her from the wind and she responded by stroking my shoulder/chest. That was as intimate as things got, and she was clearly not ready for a goodnight kiss.

I found myself frustrated not so much by that, but by her resistance towards meeting. Yesterday (the day after the date) i suggested meeting up sooner rather than later and even offered to take my moped out to where she lives (a good 45 minutes away.) But she claimed to be not feeling well and not ready to make plans until she feels better. It's a perfectly fine thing to say, but she has consistently put things off and not been forthcoming with sharing things. She was in the city three times last week but didn't share what she was up to until we were talking on the date. I hate playing games, and have made it clear that I am interested, but I need to back off. We have been remarkably intimate in our conversations, both of us sharing very personal things with the other, and I think that is why I got sucked in to putting expectations on the thing. That's my bad. I need to be patient and open. It's interesting to apply everything I have learned over the last year to a new relationship, not just DB strategies, but everything about emotional boundaries, pursuit/distance dynamic, and my own absolute responsibility for my happiness.

Today is the day of my "trial" for the divorce decree. So, at some point this week a judge will go through my papers and sign off on it assuming everything is in order. I should get a copy in the mail later this week or early next week. We'll see if getting that document raises any emotions. Oh, a friend of mine claimed that I should ask for the diamond in W's engagement ring back now, since it was a family heirloom from my grandmother. I had never considered asking for it back, is that normal? I find it stranger that she still has my wedding ring, but asking for that back seems awkward as well.

I also now need to figure out my summer. My Colombian friend is planning a trip to Machu Picchu and Peru for a couple of weeks. That sounds appealing, so I might try to do that. I also likely need to get a car if for no other reason than to transport my pup around. The money might be a little tight if I give W all the money I owe her to buy her out of the house. We'll see.


W 34 Me 42
Married 7 years together 8
0 kids 1 beloved dog
BD 4/6/2018
I moved out 4/7/2018
I moved back in alone 8/05/2018
I file 3/06/2019
D official 5/7/2019
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