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Hi everyone,
I am in search for advice. My husband of 23 years announced he “was seeing someone else” in early February. He moved out the same day and told me and our children that he was going to start a life with her and her children. He knew nothing about this woman at all and as soon as I looked up her name I found a lengthy arrest record for herself as well as her husband. My husband knew none of this and since he has a long career in Law Enforcement he is not allowed to associate with her let alone live with her. He has not let it stop him at all. My once perfectionist husband is now living in a filthy, dilapidated shack in the mountains about 75 miles from our home and his work with this woman and her 2 young children. He rarely speaks to his children at all and when he does he acts as though it’s very inconvenient to spend time with them. Very uncharacteristic for him because he was a very doting father up until last October. My son had surgery on Friday and he did not show up for it or call to check on my son since. His mother called me yesterday to say that his grandma has been in the hospital since April 1 and that he has not shown interest. Wondered why we had not reached out. I told her that he has been withdrawn and that we did not know. My IC has said that I should notify his commander of his behavior. I’m worried that since he is doing something that is against his rules that he would lose his career which I do not want to do. Any advice or words of wisdom would be appreciated.

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Welcome to the board

Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.

Yes first thing you should do is be sure to read the Divorce Remedy (DR) book by MWD
http://www.mcssl.com/store/mwdtc2014/
http://divorcebusting.com/sample_book_chapters.htm

and Michele's articles
http://www.divorcebusting.com/articles.htm

You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts
(for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support).
Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active,
and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down.
Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come!
Most important - POST!

Get out and Get a Life (GAL).

DETACH.


Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.

Have NO EXPECTATIONS.

Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.

Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.

Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:

I would start with Sandi's Rules
A list of dos and don'ts for the LBS (left behind spouse)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553072#Post2553072

Going Dark
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=50956#Post5095

Detachment thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2538414#Post2538414

Validation Cheat Sheet: Techniques and tips on how to validate (showing your walk away spouse (WAS) that you recognize and accept his or her opinions as valid, even if you do not agree with them)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2457566#Post2457566

Boundaries Cheat Sheet
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2536096#Post2536096

Abbreviations
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553153#Post2553153

For Newcomer LBH with a Wayward Wife by sandi2
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2545554#Post2545554

Resource thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forum...ain=57819&Number=2578224#Post2578224

Stages of the LBS
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1964990&page=1

Validation
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=191764#Post191764

Pursuit and Distance
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2483574#Post2483574

The Lighthouse Story
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2484619#Post2484619

Your H or W is giving you a GIFT.
THE GIFT OF TIME.
USE it wisely.

Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon


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Originally Posted by Pjcallie
My husband of 23 years announced he “was seeing someone else” in early February. He moved out the same day and told me and our children that he was going to start a life with her and her children.


Hello, have you read DR? Hopefully you know not to beg/ plead/ reason/ explain/ negotiate. It won't help! You've got to leave him alone.

Quote
He knew nothing about this woman at all and as soon as I looked up her name I found a lengthy arrest record for herself as well as her husband. My husband knew none of this and since he has a long career in Law Enforcement he is not allowed to associate with her let alone live with her. He has not let it stop him at all. My once perfectionist husband is now living in a filthy, dilapidated shack in the mountains about 75 miles from our home and his work with this woman and her 2 young children.


Did he say anything about why he wasn't happy in the marriage or did he just skip out? I have heard of this happening before, usually they don't leave right away like that but it happens.

Quote
He rarely speaks to his children at all and when he does he acts as though it’s very inconvenient to spend time with them. Very uncharacteristic for him because he was a very doting father up until last October.


What are your ages and the ages of your kids? Sounds like he may be in MLC.

Quote
My IC has said that I should notify his commander of his behavior. I’m worried that since he is doing something that is against his rules that he would lose his career which I do not want to do.


Yeah that would likely destroy his career, which he may very well be on the way to doing anyway (usually when someone is that extreme in their MLC behavior their work is affected as well). I don't see any benefit to you or the kids in doing that, but potentially it could "burn the bridge" in him ever coming back. So I would suggest not doing that.

Please try to fill in more info when you can, the more we know the better we can assist.


Me: 60 w/ S18, D24, D27

M: 21 years; BD: 06-14-12; S: 09-10-12; D final: 03-17-14; XW:57

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