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You dont wait in limbo land. You focus on yourself and the kids. You make yourself the best version of yourself possible. Stop all pursuit of the relationship. You have to get to the point where you are happy and have no expectations of your marriage being repaired. The point of DB is to address the issues with yourself to the point where you will be fine regardless if you end up single or not.

The point is to improve your life and happiness with a background hope that your spouse will recognize that you are a man only a fool would leave, stop their destructive actions, address their underlying issues and pursue you to reconcile.

You have to accept that your marriage is over. Its time to get working on moving forward in life. It hurts and is very counterintuitive. In all likelyhood you will end up bettering yourself for yourself and your kids and for whatever relationship you end up having in the future after this is all said and done. You need to get to the point where you are indifferent when it comes to your WW and marriage. Pretty much pick your path and walk it alone and if the WW spouse wants to prove to you they are again worthy of your love and you will be in a good enough of a place to decide whether or not you want to take them back, or you have moved on to the point where you are hapoy without them.


M:16
T:21
H(me) 38
WW: 38
S11 D16 D19
Red Flags of A: March 2018
ILYBNILWY: August 4, 2018
Moved out of MBR: September 24, 2018
BD/Confirmation of A: October 31, 2018
D Filed: March 27, 2019
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Right now my plan of attack, is "Let her go". Enjoy my kids, get my own life. It is obviously awkward as hell at home, short interactions "good morning" Hi, bye. How was day? Good. etc.


This is spot on. Let her go. Focus on you and your kids. Become a man only a fool would leave. Get out and spend time with friends.


Quote
I told her I'm just going to give her space and time and that I will be here on the side lovingly waiting.


I wouldn't tell her this or anything else. Actions speak louder than words and she won't trust your words.


Congrats on the game the other night, that was a big step after the stunning loss on Saturday. Your guys haven't had much success in the playoffs recently. One more round and you get to meet my favorite team!


W 34 Me 42
Married 7 years together 8
0 kids 1 beloved dog
BD 4/6/2018
I moved out 4/7/2018
I moved back in alone 8/05/2018
I file 3/06/2019
D official 5/7/2019
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Thanks Sandi for the reply. My wife and I have been together for 20 years and married for 16 we have three children 7, 11 and 13. Approximately three or four years ago my wife’s mother got cancer. This really rattled my wife. After that she was obsessed about looking young, buying good clothes going out partying. When the bomb dropped she told me that when she went out partying that she would flirt with boys and I would give her the passion that she was looking for. She was speaking about her mortality and now we’re all going to die and that she just wants to experience life. She told me that she loves me and that she’s not a motive me she said she doesn’t know if romantic love for me she says she doesn’t have passion or desire for me. A month before the ball dropped she was still hugging me and holding me and telling me how much she loves me. With in the past four years she has racked up an enormous credit card bill she drinks heavily on weekends she got four tattoos the last tattoo was based on the poem do not go gentle into that dark Night. She told me that she’s going through a transition and that the person that she’s becoming doesn’t necessarily want to be married. My wife could never financially leave the house nor would she ever leave the children. This is a positive. My wife turned 40 in September. My wife was involved in emotional affair for two months, I read texts and ended the affair. She was pissed! I read a letter that she wrote the guy for closure it was the hardest thing ever to read the stuff that she was saying to him as if she was so in love with him made me sick to my stomach. In the letter she basically said how she doesn’t want to be with me anymore and we wrote so much of her history in terms of saying how she’s never been in love with me. She claimed that not taking my last name 16 years ago when we got married was must be a reason why. She claimed that having an affair before we were even engaged must be a reason why. She claimed that the distance that she has with my family 15 years ago must be a reason why. For the last 16 years we truthfully been a loving caring family. I don’t doubt for the last 23 years but she’s been feeling a certain way she’s just kept it hidden.

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Thanks Sandi for the reply. My wife and I have been together for 20 years and married for 16 we have three children 7, 11 and 13. Approximately three or four years ago my wife’s mother got cancer. This really rattled my wife. After that she was obsessed about looking young, buying good clothes going out partying. When the bomb dropped she told me that when she went out partying that she would flirt with boys and I would give her the passion that she was looking for. She was speaking about her mortality and now we’re all going to die and that she just wants to experience life. She told me that she loves me and that she’s not a motive me she said she doesn’t know if romantic love for me she says she doesn’t have passion or desire for me. A month before the ball dropped she was still hugging me and holding me and telling me how much she loves me. With in the past four years she has racked up an enormous credit card bill she drinks heavily on weekends she got four tattoos the last tattoo was based on the poem do not go gentle into that dark Night. She told me that she’s going through a transition and that the person that she’s becoming doesn’t necessarily want to be married. My wife could never financially leave the house nor would she ever leave the children. This is a positive. My wife turned 40 in September. My wife was involved in emotional affair for two months, I read texts and ended the affair. She was pissed! I read a letter that she wrote the guy for closure it was the hardest thing ever to read the stuff that she was saying to him as if she was so in love with him made me sick to my stomach. In the letter she basically said how she doesn’t want to be with me anymore and we wrote so much of her history in terms of saying how she’s never been in love with me. She claimed that not taking my last name 16 years ago when we got married was must be a reason why. She claimed that having an affair before we were even engaged must be a reason why. She claimed that the distance that she has with my family 15 years ago must be a reason why. For the last 16 years we truthfully been a loving caring family. I don’t doubt for the last 23 years but she’s been feeling a certain way she’s just kept it hidden.

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Hi everybody,

I’ve read a lot about the stages of an Mlc, curious what the veterans think of my situation.

I believe everything started 3-5 years ago when my wife mother got cancer. Over those years my wife has been obsessed with working out, new tattoos, partying with single divorced friends, flirting at bars, drinking heavily on weekends, spending like an animal - massive debt. I really had no idea about the debt but I did recognize the other stuff but never clued in. I feel like this was massive replay.

My wife didn’t started her emotional affair until December 2018, I busted it in February before it got physical but based on an email I read my wife was in complete limerence.

She told me she didn’t romantically love me after I ended her affair. She has since told me about her fantasy of living in same town while we raise our 3 children. I really don’t believe her.

The last 2 months she has acted very depressed. She barely talks, has distanced herself from family and friends except for her best friend that is 2 times divorced.

Even though the bomb drop was 2 months ago I feel like she has quickly moved into depression/ withdrawal. My wife would have a very guilty concierge of all the damage she has done. She is also seeing a therapist but not regularly enough.

Could there be a chance she is in withdrawal?

She has never been angry with me, we still talk about kids, meals etc. But she has been more distant from children and very irritable with them. The kids are feeling her anger and it’s upsetting.

I really hope things are progressing through the stages since I believe she has been going through this silently for years. She even said she has fallen out of love with me for last year or 2 which I don’t fully believe.

She has rewritten history on multiple occasions. She tries to claim that she has never truly loved me since the start.
Reasons, she never took my last name - 16 years ago, she has a physical affair before we were even engaged, she has never been comfortable with my family. These are such ridiculous excuses.


Anyways thoughts on stages? It’s tough seeing her so depressed with withdrawn from everybody, even the kids.

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Also I’ve been following Sandi’s rules and it seems like it falls into my wife’s personality. She loves to give the silent treatment especially when doesn’t want to admit mistake. Her father and her didn’t talk for a year when she was rebelling in high school. I feel like she wants zero communication to justify pushing away. She will respond to this as in “look how bad our relationship has been lately”. Seriously my wife is the most passive aggressive person and potentially a narcissist.

I don’t know why but I feel like I should be friendly and more open. It’s so hard to figure her out.

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Sandi2 , if you have a chance I would love to hear about your perspective.

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To be honest, I'm not sure if she is having a MLC. With her making references to mortality, and making many obvious changes upon losing her mother......it's certainly possible. Furthermore, she feels as if she is in some sort of transition. Did her doctor recommend that she receive hormone replacement therapy?

The description you've given, could be given for a wayward W, as well as one in MLC. Inwardly, there are differences, IMHO. I think a lot of what they do when in MLC is based on fear and depression. The behavior of a wayward W is based on anger and lack of respect. MLC is not so much targeted at her LBH.......while the wayward W blames her H for everything wrong in her life.

If you feel your W is in a MLC, you may want to hop over to the MLC section of the board and see if they can answer some of your questions. I'm not trying to get rid of you by any means, it's just a suggestion. ((hugs))

In the meantime, detach, do 180's, GAL, focus on moving forward with your life, and feed your spirit in order to maintain a positive mental attitude.


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
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Thanks so much. My wife did tell me that I did nothing wrong. She just has this fantasy of living a life detached from marriage to see what is out there. Currently she is acting extremely depressed. Yes she went to the doctor and she won’t talk to me about it. I will post in the mlc section.

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