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#2845478 04/13/19 04:21 PM
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Hi everyone,

I have currently live with my wife, have 3 kids 7, 11,13.

Early February I found out my wife was having an emotional texting affair. I stopped it right away which my wife was not happy about. I 100% certain it is over. A few days later she dropped the I love you but im not in love with you. A couple of weeks of devastating converstions and me research MLC. She says she has no romantic love for me, doesn't know what she wants, wants a new life to see what's out there, doesn't want to be attached to a husband etc. Says she has no passion, no intimate feeling for me. Claims that this has been for a few years. I did not see this coming, we would have sex once a week, she would tell me she loves me, hold me, tickle etc. etc. She was like this a month or 2 before bomb drop. After the initial chaos we went to marriage counseling, I quickly recognized it was going nowhere. We stopped that and I asked her what she wanted, still I don't know just not this marriage. She would talk about life and mortality and having done everything society / parents told her to do. Husband check, Kids check, job check, house check etc.

Reflecting on the last 3-4 years, I now see signs. Her mom fought cancer and won, but it rattled her. She got 4 tattoos in the past 3 years. The last one being "Do Not Go Gentle" A poem about not succumbing to death. Within the past 3 years, she drank heavily and listened to music on weekend, she went out partying with friends and flirting with boys, she spent ridiculous amounts of money on clothes and ran up a huge credit card debt, working out like crazy and trying to keep her youth as much as possible. My wife turned 40 last September as well but she gets ID all the time. All classic signs of MLC.

I was able to convince her into a therapist. She has gone 3 times in 2 months. I have chosen to go dark and let her go. I rarely text, simple conversations etc. The last month she has been in a dark place, constantly napping, going for runs. She even looked up stuff on depression. She has been obsessed with dark poetry and books about soulmates and passion. Unfortunately the only person she talks to is her friend that is twice divorced. She claims that this friend is in support of family. I don't buy it.

I also convinced my wife to see a dr. The appt is next week.

I thought my wife was coming around and acted happier so I decided to bring up the topic of us. All I got was I don't have desire for you and I want to eventually move out. This would be extremely difficult for my wife to do financially and she also knows the devastating affects on the kids which we both have huge attachment to. My wife told me that I am her best friend, amazing husband, amazing father, good looking etc etc, but she doesn't see her with me.

She admitted to going through a "transition" and that it doesn't mean that the outcome will or should include me. She keeps saying she doesn't have romantic feelings for me "right now" I keep asking if she is open to finding them once she goes through this transition. She says she doesn't think so.

I personally have been devastated, lost 30 pounds 180-150, but I do look amazing physically now. I'm trying hard to rebuild my confidence. We have decided to talk and treat each other like friends while she goes through this.

Obviously I am beyond scared about the outcome. I love my wife family kids etc. I want to save this so badly but she has zero desire to.

I have read everything about MLC and I am trying to figure out where she is at in the stages and what my chances are of reconciliation. I feel like I have a lot going for me in terms of kids, how bad her MLC is, her recognizing what she will lose etc.

If anyone can relate to my story and can give me advice, suggestions, stages etc. It would be much appreciated.

Sincerely
Newbie BPD.

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Welcome to the forum. I'm posting Cadet's Welcome message to you. Please read all of the links as they have some great info in them.

Welcome to the board

Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.

Yes first thing you should do is be sure to read the Divorce Remedy (DR) book by MWD
http://www.mcssl.com/store/mwdtc2014/
http://divorcebusting.com/sample_book_chapters.htm

and Michele's articles
http://www.divorcebusting.com/articles.htm

You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts
(for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support).
Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active,
and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down.
Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come!
Most important - POST!

Get out and Get a Life (GAL).

DETACH.

Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.

Have NO EXPECTATIONS.

Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.

Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.

Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:

I would start with Sandi's Rules
A list of dos and don'ts for the LBS (left behind spouse)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553072#Post2553072

Going Dark
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=50956#Post5095

Detachment thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2538414#Post2538414

Validation Cheat Sheet: Techniques and tips on how to validate (showing your walk away spouse (WAS) that you recognize and accept his or her opinions as valid, even if you do not agree with them)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2457566#Post2457566

Boundaries Cheat Sheet
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2536096#Post2536096

Abbreviations
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553153#Post2553153

For Newcomer LBH with a Wayward Wife by sandi2
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2545554#Post2545554

Resource thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forum...ain=57819&Number=2578224#Post2578224

Stages of the LBS
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1964990&page=1

Validation
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=191764#Post191764

Pursuit and Distance
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2483574#Post2483574

The Lighthouse Story
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2484619#Post2484619

Your H or W is giving you a GIFT.
THE GIFT OF TIME.
USE it wisely.

Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon

__________________________________
Me-65, D32,S31



Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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We have all heard the same exact script here. Im sorry that you are here and that we are all here. I know it is killing you, and eating you alive by now, that you feel the need to do something, find an answer to your W, look for meaning and reasons, although helpful in understanding. Especially the "acting like friends" part hurts. Your S is developing what they call "limmerace'" with this other texting person. Your W doesn't want you to fix her, give her advice, or talk about the relationship because of guilt of deciding to leave, whether it be for another person, not being happy with her life, or any other given reason.

Trust us when we say this. ANY RELATIONSHIP TALKS OR EFFORTS TO GET YOUR W INTO THERAPY, OR CONVINCE HER SHE IS GOING THROUGH A MLC IS ONLY GOING TO BACKFIRE. Do not do it, it will only cement their justification for leaving. Trust me on this. My W is going through something similar, she offered joint therapy for easing her guilt today, relized she was people pleasing and renegged today after an R talk.

She has been most likely contemplating delivering the ILYBIANILYYA speech for years without warning, for whatever reason it may be, related to her own sense of self, or someone one of your behaviors. The speech is a two fold cop out professing her romantic feelings are gone. ( but of course we know that woman's feelings change all the time) that speech is designed to keep you as a backup of Plan B in case her new life, her actions, her choices, or her affairs fall through.

The best thing I mean the very best thing you can do almost seems like doing nothing. Do nothing with her. Pull away hard, turn it I mean completely turn all the focus on yourself and bettering yourself and doing things that you enjoy in life. Put up boundaries and standards for yourself. Take care of your health first and your children. Make your children your number one priority you are super dad. Try to learn to detach yourself differentiate yourself from your W. Remove any codependency, and allow her to do things that you took for granted from you to fail on their own. Work on your self-respect, do not Snoop because it's going to just put you through more mental anguish and not change anything. Pull away hard. Avoiding relationship talks will save you from making things worse as we all have done it. Do not turn to your wife for anyting. You are confident independent strong emotionally stable, pleasant and happy in front of her. You have self respect, self worth, value,purpose, drive. Etc. Despite whatever your wife is told you what is wrong with you in the marriage. Your W is going to have to feel a loss of some kind without you being punitive about it. You ate a ghost. Answer only what you have to. Keep conversations limited to the kids, finances, practicalities, etc. Be short and concise but pleasant.

Really do the work on yourself and be the change that you want to see in other people. I'm only about 7 months in here and I'm a newbie but a veteran will be here to help you a bit. This is about saving yourself. This is not a joke this is not a test and it didn't take a couple months to get here, and most likely will take years to unfold so buckle up its going to be a long emotional roller coaster of a ride.

Here is a good thread on here to get you started I recommend. Purchase DB and DR and read it once a month. This info is for you and you only. Do not let your W find it. She will think you using it to manipulate, or trick her back into the M by stragety, and not real actual change. Keep your words scarce, and your actions loud. Take reconciliation and the pressure off the table. Have no expectations, and focus on you, your health, your recovery and your family.


http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1867000&page=5

I'm sorry you are here and we all are here. There are no shortcuts, and quick fixes. Be strong. We will support you the best we can. The people here are wonderful and devoted. You are in the right place.

Look for Sandi2 and Steve85. They are very helpful.


Last edited by IHCLACS; 04/13/19 05:38 PM.
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Understand this from our mistakes and our experiences your wife has to come to you and has to have motivation willingness and desire to reconcile with you you cannot bring it to her she has to come to you with it, and you cannot convince her have discussions horse weigh her until she is ready and wanting and willing and able to make up her mind on whether she wants the marriage or not she is the one that is obviously leaving it. So apparently valves mean nothing to her based on her feelings you are dealing with an emotional creature that has been the caretaker of the relationship since the beginning. The whole time you were involved with your wife she was probably asking herself to questions does he look at me enough that he pay enough attention to me does he do the things I want him to do how do I feel about him what does this mean she's always going to be temp checking you, and testing you it's just women's nature and you have to accept it. If they are looking elsewhere such as an affair supposed to fill a part of themselves that they feel like they're missing, or missing out on life, they are going to have to fall hard and it's going to take a long time and they're going to have to have a sense of loss to really fully have the desire to recommit to the relationship in the marriage.

Otherwise you are just trying to sway them by having these talks, and that feels like selfish manipulation to them. The best thing you can do is not talk to them, or interact with them as little as possible and not bring up relationship talks. Put all the focus on you. You are standing for the marriage and she is not but do not attempt to save it. When you change you change for you and you only. What's that you might have a chance through attraction of your wife coming back. But she is going to have to want it bad enough, and right now she is at zero. Every time you have a relationship talk with her it resets the scale to zero. Trust us on this. You may temporarily feel better for doing it but it will make your situation worse. If there's anything I've learned the hard way from here is doing nothing is doing something and when you're doing something for yourself, changing GALing growing yourself, they will notice through time and consistency.

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Thanks for the quick responses. I did go dark for a month but unfortunately decided to have the talk 2 days ago. I needed to get things off my chest like the lack of therapy she is seeking and the financial situation.

The talk at least got her to make a Dr appointment and see the therapist more regular. Also we are going to figure out financing so she doesn't rack up more debt. Yes I feel it set me back after going dark for a month. Reset

It is very difficult to know how to act, she is talking to me normally, makes me lunch. We share so much of the household responsibilities which force us to communicate regularly. The other major issue is we are both huge Toronto Raptors fans and playoffs start today. It is our thing, we watch, talk, cheer together. I can't give this up, it will be too obvious that I am trying to make her feel bad. I will 100% not have another relationship talk with her.

Our family doctor was extremely optimistic that hormonal treatment or depression meds will help speed this up? Says that she has ruminating thoughts that need to go away for her to feel normal again. Any info on this?

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From my experience, i could be mistaken, but all women have learning thoughts and they usually keep a scorecard when they hold onto things. Think of it this way you do something right, you get Five Points you do something wrong you deduct 10 points. Think of it and treat it as a love bank of deposits and withdrawals. The ruminations never go away almost there are addressed and corrected, sometimes they even keep them to themselves for years and expect us to get it

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So I bought the books DB and DR. I'm little confused about actions I should be taking besides being my best self and wait in limbo land. If my wife is unwilling to recognize anything about our marriage / changes until the MLC passes then what good are strategies throughout the book?

Right now my plan of attack, is "Let her go". Enjoy my kids, get my own life. It is obviously awkward as hell at home, short interactions "good morning" Hi, bye. How was day? Good. etc.

I told her I'm just going to give her space and time and that I will be here on the side lovingly waiting.

Any other strategies people can offer?

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Don't tell her what your doing, don't tell her you are going to wait (that sounds like plan b). Just do it. Actions always speak louder than words.


H(37) W(35)
D8, D5, S3
T20, M13
BD 8/31/18
EA Discovered 9/13/18
Mediation 10/3/18
W files for D 10/12/18
W moves out 11/10/18
EA confirmed 12/25/18
D Final 1/10/19
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Welcome to the forum Bpd

Just take your time to read what you´ve got. Time is your ally now. Use it wisely.

Start DB, read everything. Print Sandi´s rules.

Keep posting

Time and patience.


WW H(me): 53
W: 48
T: 27 M: 22
S: 18
Piecing since 03/2016
Saw the light in the storm
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The more you can share about your marital history, and what has transpired in your W, the better picture for us.

Why do you think she is going through a MLC?


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
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