Hi, I've read Divorce Busting and many of these discussions but I am floundering. We will be married 34 years in May. We've had ups and downs and I've had breast cancer which lead to sex starved marriage. Last September I found out my H had sent disturbing emails to old college gf. She contacted me because she had seen my FB and blogs and things didn't add up. He portrayed me as an abusive alcholic, have me the sleep disorder he suffers from. He thrashed and bangs, falls out of bed, shouts and has given me some bruises. I moveto another bed when it gets too bad. He claimed I had broken his ribs, passed out drunk and then in last email said my cancer was back and I only had a few weeks to live and( ???why?) Moving to Canada for treatment... It was like a punch in stomach to read. Bizarre and painful. I also discovered he had a profile on Zoosk a dating site. I was hurt and terrified and confronted him about site but not my knowledge of emails because his ex asked me not too. She didn't want to be involved or contacted further by him. He said he wanted a divorce and I started DB. He and I made an agreement to try. He is still on Zoosk...and I get informed, every so often by friends of mine that " warn" me that they have seen him in there, he has even unknowingly flirted with several. I teach dog training classes, am active in many forums and locally rather well known. He then gets involved in texting relationships and yes I snoop. When it gets to hot, I have sometimes let the other women know I exist.....and several times they have just discovered me and tell him off. We both appear on each others FB etc. Plus we do things together! He gets furious and nasty when it happens but doesn't know how much I do know or if I had a hand in it and on DB advice I have been riding out what I hope is a MLC. I have tried to change my reactions etc. He tells these OW some truly odd lies. The ones I have become friends with day he still tried to contact, swears he's divorcing me. Then weYet we are in many ways doing better. We teach a class together. We go out on weekends and take walks. We are having sex. This is hard for me but lube and fake it till I make it. But he is Still searching and texting Other Women!
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka that I totally agree with.
Originally Posted by Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
Stop having sex until you are 100% sure without a doubt that he has not had sex with these OW. You have to protect yourself. LBWs always think that sex will hook them back in. It won't. He will use you for his own gratification just like the OW. If he is lying to them he is lying to you.
So GAL. This is key. Especially for LBWs LBWs have a tendency to sit back and wait and do nothing Wrong approach. Show him that you can certainly be active without him.
180 on bad behaviors. Become a W only an idiot would leave.
And certainly detach. Stop hanging on his words and actions. Do not react to what he says and does. If he asks a question RESPOND, don't REACT. Reaction are impulsive. Responding is thoughtful and controlled. Look up self-differentiation in marriage (google it) so you can get another way of looking at detachment.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
We do not have kids. But I became financially dependant on him during cancer treatment and am struggling to find full time work. I have a pretty active life and that was one of his complaints when we had our blow up in October. I teach a variety of dog training classes. Train and handle and compete with my own an clients dogs. I do things with friends that he isn't part of. Somehow over the years he has lost his social skills and pushed away from shared activities. He has always been very needy for attention. My being busy and out at classes, shows , lessons, became a source of anger for him. I wanted him to find a hobby but flirting on Zoosk and texting OW isn't exactly what I meant. I am afraid to give an ultimatum until I can financially sustain myself. I am very confident he hasn't had physical contact with them...yet. We had been sexless for about 2 years and though I have zero desire I have made it a priority to try to revive that. Going dark just makes it worse. I'm not sure what behavior I can 180 on. I have to function and keep up house, yard , dogs . I am careful to respond unemotionly to his few questions. He doesn't show much interest in my day or time.
