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Okay, good to hear. Maybe the dynamic of the 4 Horsemen was extremely intense your relationship the over time.

I will say, the 4 horsemen were regular visitors in my MR too. And my W referred to it as "verbal" and "emotional" abuse. Now I in my opinion those two accusation get thrown around way to loosely by WASs. But it does show you how their perception of those behaviors is shaped over time. I've always viewed contempt as the cornerstone of the four horseman. And what causes us to develop contempt is Nice Guy Syndrome. I highly suggest reading that book ASAP.


M(53), W(54),D(19)
M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017
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WeI've been around busy and doing pretty well. Hanging out with friends and family, really enjoying my time with the people I love. I'm planning to move in the Summer and find a smaller more affordable place.

I was challenged by my counselor to think about what I want in life. It was a big question. Ultimately, I can't to the conclusion that what I want in life is a family. That doesn't necessarily mean kids, but very likely. My wife and I were never financially stable enough to take on children until recently. She brought a ton of student debt into the relationship so we focused on tackling it. We finally got a handle on it and we're planning on getting a house this year and start thinking about children. So it was a particularly harsh sting that she left only when we finally got her debt under control. It was a hard and difficult path and I stuck through it and by her because if that was the cost to be a family I would gladly pay it. But I still want those things. If it isn't with her, that's unfortunate but I can't be held hostage by her actions and her inaction. I'm going to take her words and actions at face value and live as it the divorce is already underway. I've started exploring the idea of dating, though I don't want to rush into anything just to fill my loneliness. I want to be happy with who I am and I'm really getting there.

Then yesterday she sent me a message saying that she didn't feel like she was giving the dog the care that he needed and asked if I'd want him back. Just a month ago when I asked if I could spend some time with him she made it very clear that he wasn't my dog anymore and that I couldn't see him. I accepted her answer and have been spending a lot of time and effort getting used to the fact that he wouldn't be a part of my life anymore. And then this happens. I told my brother and he said it seems like she isn't considering my feelings in all this, that she made it clear I couldn't see him and now she wants me to take him when things got tough for her. But I love my dog and she said she'd find another home for him if I didn't want him. So I told her that I would take him back but that I she has to be sure of it because I can't give him up again. She agreed so my poochie is coming back!

I found myself wondering what kind of hardships she was dealing with that made her feel that she had to give him up. She loved that dog so much. I ran through different scenarios in my head. Is she struggling for money? Neighbor complaints? Work is overwhelming her? I do this constantly. I know I shouldn't. Detach. Detach. Detach. She's in a bed of her own making. It just feels so counter to my values not to care about how she's doing. Striking a balance between caring and obsessing is difficult for me.

I'm not sure how we will ending up making the dog exchange. I don't know where she lives (I have an idea) and I don't want her to just drop him off at my place when I'm not there. I haven't seen her since the day she walked out. Wherever it is I'm planning to put in my best face and treat her with kindness and compassion. I know giving him up will be difficult for her.

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Glad to hear you're getting your dog back, try not to worry about her problems. You have your own set that will consume you if you aren't taking care of them. Leave her to her journey and you focus on yours.

So are you guys basically not communicating ever? And is she paying half the bills?


H 34
W 29
BD 3/12/18
Divorce Busted Spring 19

It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
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Chelind, likely the dog in interfering in her wanting to be footloose and carefree. Maybe there is someone else in the picture and the dog interferes with her ability to spend time with him? Anyway, you are way too focused on her. So what, you wanted the dog, take him back and move on.


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I got a message a few nights ago from my wife's sister. She attempted to take her own life.

She was taken to the hospital. I went to the emergency room with my sister in law. She didn't want to see me. I understood. I only want her to be ok and get the help she needs. I haven't pushed to see her again, but her sister is keeping me informed and is staying with her n the hospital. She appears to be recovering.

I'm seeing my therapist on Monday and spending my weekend with friends and family. A lot of her actions are starting to make sense now. The only thing I want now is for her to get better.

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Suicide is a sign of depression, learn about it, and be aware that you did not cause it and can not fix it.


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Give her the time and space to heal. You aren't in much of a position to help her at the moment so the best you can do is to not try unless asked.

Sorry to hear that news.


H 34
W 29
BD 3/12/18
Divorce Busted Spring 19

It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
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