Approximately 5 months ago, my wife and I were not talking. She left one day without telling me where she was going. She came back the next day for a few minutes and told me she wanted a divorce. She grabbed a few of her things and I have not seen her since that day. She would not tell me where she was going or where she would be staying or what her plan was. In an email a few days later she told me that she loved me but that we "don't work together" and that we got to the point where being together causes more harm that good and it was harmful to her mental health.
I can't say that I expected this. I thought we had a very good year (multiple vacations, paid off large amount of her student loan debt about a month before she left, signed up for a year of martial arts classes together about 1 week before she left, and had started looking at buying our first home together), but in hindsight I can see areas where our relationship could have been improved. We didn't have a high conflict marriage. In fact it might have been the opposite. I am extremely averse to conflict and would shut down whenever I sensed the least bit of conflict and I've learned I have abandonment issues that was a barrier to deepening our friendship (and my friendships with all people in my life).
After a month or two of self despair I made a decision that I can't continue to wallow. I started counseling, reading tons of books (Gottman, Wiener-Davis, etc.), got some coaching session from here, got in shape, salsa dancing lessons, started meditating/yoga and journaling. I've made huge strides in deepening the relationships of the people in my life (work, friends, and family). It's frankly been a revelation (reading The Relationship Cure by Gottman was and eye opening, life altering experience). I have a better time at work, more fun with friends, and I'm at the verge of tears just thinking about how beautiful my connection to my brothers and sisters has been become. This is the connection that my wife always wanted and I understand how painful it must have been for her to not to receive it for the 12 years that we were together. She thought I was capable of it (I obviously am), but I didn't like her enough to give it to her.
Our contact has been minimal, just emails and text messages regarding business related items (taxes, debts, etc). We have no children or own any property so there is nothing to force interaction. I stopped all push behaviors about 3 months ago, but last week I wrote her my "Last Resort" Letter. I told her that I am sorry for the things I did to make her unhappy. That I don't believe divorce is the answer to her problems and that I would like to work things out, but I respect her enough to accept her decision and lover her enough to let go. I haven't heard back from her. That's fine, I honestly didn't expect anything.
I love my wife and nothing would make me happier than reconciling, but I know that is her decision now. It's not easy, but I will continue to do the work I need to do to improve my life and be the person capable of giving her a healthy marriage. If she doesn't want to, I know that I will be a better person in the end.
The problem I'm having now is dealing with the creeping bitterness and anger. I am trying to be extremely empathetic of her feelings and her actions. I believe she is doing what she believes is the right thing for her well being. I recognize my shortcomings and faults that contributed to her feeling this way. I am extremely careful about the way I talk about her to my friends and family who know about our situation. I try very hard not to paint her in a bad light or place blame on her. But lately I've started feeling used. She carried a lot of student debt coming into the marriage ($200k plus) and works in education (decent salary, but not really in line with the amount of debt). We hunkered down for multiple years and worked down that debt as much as we could. It was only until late last year that we felt unburdened by them and could start planning to buy a home. I was always wanted a place to settle down and have children, but this debt put things on hold. It was ok, because we were in it together and I loved her. So I've started having these thoughts about how she only stuck around to get those debts paid off and once things got a lot more manageable she left. I don't want to think this way. That's not in line with the person I know my wife to be. I'm afraid of building resentment towards her.
I also had a conversation with someone regarding filing for divorce. I obviously don't want to get divorced, but they told me that if she's not even willing to talk about things or what she wants in the settlement it might be in my best financial interest to file so that she doesn't rack up debts or do something illegal during out separation. I see the wisdom in that reasoning, but I don't think my wife is the type of person to do anything like that. But then again, I didn't think my wife would be the type of person to abandon me either.
What do you recommend I do to keep my mind in a positive place specifically to curb feelings of anger and resentment towards her? I don't like those thoughts and I don't want them to permanently color my view of her.
What do you think about the advice of filing the divorce since she's not communicating? I was told filing is just to protect myself and I don't have to actually go through with the divorce in the end, but there's such a air of finality that comes with it.
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
Sorry you are in this situation. It hurts badly when the one you love and gave your life to ups and walks away or betrays you. Keep working on yourself. Honestly, talk to a lawyer. You could consider her move out date your separstuon date and if needed in court you could easily prove to a judge that you separated prior to her accruing debt.
Just make sure your accounts are all separate. Separate credit cards etc. Split up savings if you have to. If anything get your own account, move half of savings into yiur name and leave the rest in the original account.
M:16 T:21 H(me) 38 WW: 38 S11 D16 D19 Red Flags of A: March 2018 ILYBNILWY: August 4, 2018 Moved out of MBR: September 24, 2018 BD/Confirmation of A: October 31, 2018 D Filed: March 27, 2019
Thank you. I'm taking the beginning steps towards separating my accounts. I asked her to destroy the cards from our shared accounts while I put them solely in my name. She was quick to remind me that she told me she did it months ago. Can you blame me for forgetting that she told me this? She might have everything all planned out, but I was just hit with a bomb and am scrambling to keep things together. I just told her thank you for reminding me and to have a nice weekend.
My brother stayed with me over the weekend and was a good ear to me. I told him that I am afraid of being bitter and angry with her. I don't like the resentful thoughts that are creeping into my mind and I don't want them to tarnish the beautiful memories and the lovely image I have of her. The things she is doing are incredibly hurtful to me, but I'm trying my hardest to put myself in her shoes and I believe she is doing things this way as a form of self preservation. I think she is acting so detached so that she doesn't have the possibility of being hurt any more. This is pure conjecture on my part as we don't talk, but it makes sense to me and reminds me that it isn't malicious.
I talked to my brother about feeling foolish for still having hope. If I step back from the situation and try to view it objectively, I see someone who has told someone else that they want a divorce and they haven't seen each other in nearly half a year with no meaningful contact. That's a pretty clear cut situation. But he told me that it's not foolish. He knows me and he know her. He told me it's ok to still be hopeful, just to plan for the worst and to continue the improvements that I'm doing. I'm lucky to have him as a brother.
Why were the two of you not talking? Was not talking (stonewalling) a common tactic for problem resolution in your marriage?
You say you don't want divorce, then why are you considering filing? To me that is like saying "I don't want that house but I am going to buy it".
We have a saying around here: A monkey doesn't jump from the branch that is supporting it until it identifies another branch that can support it. Are you sure there isn't another person? If there were what would that change for you?
Chelind, did you read DR? Did you do all of the reading that Cadet linked in his thread? I like that you've been focusing on yourself, and you need to continue to do that. Your W will either come around. Or she won't. You need to use this time to improve yourself and set yourself up for success in your next relationship...whether that is with your W or someone news.
Are you emotionally detached from her? If not, work on that. Are you GAL? SOunds like you are. Good job. Have you identified things about yourself you can 180 on? Are you a stonewaller? That is a sign of Nice Guy Syndrome. Look into the book No More Mr. Nice Guy and 180 on that behavior.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
My wife was upset about my sister (she was living with us while in school) having a friend over. I avoided most conflict and stonewalling was my calling card. I've done a ton of self reflection and counseling since she left and I see now how damaging and hurtful it can be. I've also noted the irony in that all I want to do is sit down and talk to her, but she is now shutting my out. I am now feeling the loneliness and isolation that she must have felt so many times. I'm not proud of this behavior, but I acknowledge it and am working everyday to make sure I don't fall into the same patterns.
I have read MWD's books and have done some coaching sessions. I've read a lot of Gottman as well as other books recommended from all over. I'm basically a book devourer right now. I will check out your book recommendation.
I feel like I have a pretty good grasp on the areas where I can improve myself and I can already see a great improvement in the quality of my existing relationships. I have a long way to go still and I understand that it will be a lifelong journey, but I'm proud of the progress I've made so far considering the fact that I had never even considered the relationship skills can be learned and should be practiced/honed.
I don't believe there is another person that she went to. She has a bad poker face and didn't act suspicious or try to hide anything during our time together. We both had access to each others phones and accounts (we never had a reason to check them in that time) so I don't think there were those types of secrets. I think her main reason for leaving was feeling unloved and unliked.
The only reason I am even remotely thinking about filing for the divorce would be protect myself from any debts or run ins with the law she may incur during our separation. I'm ignorant on the law regarding this. I believe her to be a responsible and upstanding person so it never crossed my mind until someone brought it up to me in conversation. I had to admit that there was some wisdom in the advice even if it's anathema to me.
When she first left, I was actually looking into and filing out some of the court paperwork to file the divorce. I thought I was helping her by giving her what she wanted. She wanted me to finish filing by the end of January and was very clear that she wanted it done. I came to my senses and told her that after some consideration, I wouldn't be able to do it and that if she wanted the divorce she would have to do the filing. I apologized for telling her otherwise before and she hasn't mentioned the divorce since then. It's hard to understand how she could be so adamant about getting the filing done to never bringing it up again while also being unwilling to talk about anything.
I also recently discovered that she might be living near my cousin's new house when I went to visit my cousin. It certainly crossed my mind to check out the apartment complex where she might be staying. I would never do something like show up unannounced at her home or work, but it does cross my mind. I asked her a few weeks back if I might be able to spend some time with our dog. She told me it was her dog and she doesn't feel comfortable with me seeing him. The dog was a gift from my now deceased mother and we raised him from a puppy. He was was my main source of comfort when she initially left. My little buddy. But not mine anymore. Hurts. Sorry, started rambling there. Sometimes it's cathartic to just let things out
Chelind, something doesn't feel right here. Are you leaving anything out? I can't put my finger on it but if there is no OM, I am struggling with why would leave so abruptly and be so, dare I say, mean to you? Not letting you see a dog that you helped raise from a pup? Because it is "hers". Have you spoken to an attorney at all through this? Not sure what the law is regarding pets but for her to just dismiss your request.
Was there any abuse between the two of you? Any other indiscretions you might be leaving out? Did you ever cheat on her? Or ever have an EA she found out about?
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Are you emotionally detached from her? If not, work on that.
I meant to ask about this. What does emotionally detaching mean and look like? What are the benefits and how can I work on it? Thanks!
Did you read the detachment thread in the links above?
I missed that section. Will study it tonight. Thank you.
Originally Posted by Steve85
Chelind, something doesn't feel right here. Are you leaving anything out? I can't put my finger on it but if there is no OM, I am struggling with why would leave so abruptly and be so, dare I say, mean to you? Not letting you see a dog that you helped raise from a pup? Because it is "hers". Have you spoken to an attorney at all through this? Not sure what the law is regarding pets but for her to just dismiss your request.
Was there any abuse between the two of you? Any other indiscretions you might be leaving out? Did you ever cheat on her? Or ever have an EA she found out about?
I have not spoken to an attorney yet. I don't want to take the dog from her. They are so happy together. I just miss him.
No infidelity or abuse on either side. The 4 Horseman (Gottman) were present and I can take blame for displaying most of them. The last thing she told me in person is that "we don't work together." I couldn't get much else. I only dwell on trying to figure out how she feels in order to understand what I could have done better and actively improve myself in those areas. I'm trying to get used to the idea that I may never have closure or her complete story but the dangling threads of the unknown still bother me.
I do think her actions and behavior during this have been mean (even if unintentionally), but I am trying to be understanding and most of all I'm trying not to become bitter over it. I'm actively trying to fend off resentment. So any tips on how to avoid that would be extremely helpful. Maybe that's what detachment is about?
