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Being a doormat would be if you were catering to her every request. Believe me we have some LBS that do that here.

Stand strong with class.

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Originally Posted by Vik11
That is what i am confused about.
Five days left but I just wanted to give a message that she can't just do anything till the time she is living here, even if it is five days. I just dont want to feel doormat.


Be as scarce as possible. Go as dark as you can. Keep contact to a minimum. You can't control her, so don't try.


Me: 60 w/ S18, D24, D27

M: 21 years; BD: 06-14-12; S: 09-10-12; D final: 03-17-14; XW:57
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V,

What is your co-parental schedule like ? Who is "in charge" of your child for the coming five days?

The recipe is quite simple, because I am going to advice you to do the exact same thing in both cases.

Case 1: According to the schedule it is your time with your kid: You get out and do something fun with your kid - go to the beach and build a sandcastle, go to the forest and look for trolls and goblins, or find a hidden treasure. Go to the library, go visit family or set up playdates. <--- Go OUT and live life and get some great experiences with your kid.

Case 2: Your STBXW has your kid according to your schedule: Well... GO OUT... Play golf, visit friends, visit family, hit the gym, go for a long walk, go to a concert, go to the cinema....

Will you want to? most likely not.. You want to stay at home, so you can use these 5 days wisely, and logic tells you that wisely is to be there for your wife, so she can see that you are really trying, and that you are a good husband.... its pursuit, and wont work. Let her fly.

In case you missed my 2x4.... GET THE HECK OUT OF THAT HOUSE, it is sucking you dry, and you need to get up and get out, no matter how tired you are / not feeling like going out...

These 5 last days are meaningless in the bigger picture.... Do not think anything will change between you, because thats on a whole other time scale.....


BD: Wife says "its over" 11th august 2018.
EA: June 2018
PA: August 2018 - ongoing
Status: Taking turns 7 days a week to be in the house w. kids
WW: no regrets, seems happy with leaving.
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Hurt,

At this point we don't have a schedule.
It will be in place starting wednesday next week, when she moves out.

Well, she has proposed that our D will be with her Sunday morning to Thursday morning and then with me from Thursday evening to Sunday morning.

That would mean that my friday and saturday will be with my daughter and I would love to do that, but that will also mean that I lose main days when my friends go out to bars and golfing (which in Friday and Saturday).
She chose such a plan because her OMs (Who is also divorced) daughter is with him on Sundays and she wanted to have Saturdays available to her so that she could be with him on Saturdays.

I want to tell her to swap and let me have my daughter from Sunday morning to Wednesday morning.

I am sure she will not agree.

Any suggestions on how I should approach the conversation and how should I put my point across.

I want to tell her that I am joining some classes that will be on Saturday and will not be possible for me to have D on Saturdays. She will reach badly. Not sure what to say and how to react.

Thanks for your inputs in advance.

Last edited by Vik11; 04/20/19 12:55 AM.
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Do something like this:

Mon-Tuesday you
Wednesday-Thursday her
Alternate every Friday- Sunday

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Claps hard
Originally Posted by LH19
Do something like this:

Mon-Tuesday you
Wednesday-Thursday her
Alternate every Friday- Sunday

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Five days left but I just wanted to give a message that she can't just do anything till the time she is living here, even if it is five days. I just dont want to feel doormat.


What are you going to say?

I don't think this is so much about you feeling like a doormat as it is you feeling desperate to control her. You aren't going to change her decision in five days by trying to lay down some sort of boundary lines. For one thing, what would you do if she didn't honor your boundary?


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
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Quote
What are you going to say?

I don't think this is so much about you feeling like a doormat as it is you feeling desperate to control her. You aren't going to change her decision in five days by trying to lay down some sort of boundary lines. For one thing, what would you do if she didn't honor your boundary?


I agree...Not much can be achieved and if I set one, and if she breaks it, it will be more devastating to my self esteem.
So, I will just keep doing my thing and spend quality time with my D.

Also, today, she messaged me in the morning around 7 am that she was leaving to buy stuff for her new apartment and then will be assembling them and will come home late in the night (which according to her would be around 11 pm).
I didn't message back anything.

Later today, she calls me and says that her apartment has been flooded and she will need all the towels to clean it till the maintenance guys come which will be late in the evening.

I DON"T KNOW WHY WHY WHY, but I ended up saying "Don't panic and if you will like I can help you out as she can't hide her new address as my daughter will be living there and I have right to know". To which she said "I will let you know the new address and I wasn't going to hide that. Also, I don't need your help, please keep the towels outside the house, so she can pick them up. Two minutes later, calls me again and says "Let it be, I will by new ones as the ones at home will not be enough".

I know I should not have said that, but ended up (instinct or fixer attitude. So want to get rid of it and let her feel the heat and reality.

Just wanted to share with you guys and get advice on what to say when something like this happens again.

Quote
Do something like this:

Mon-Tuesday you
Wednesday-Thursday her
Alternate every Friday- Sunday


I will toss this idea, though I messaged her that I have classes on Saturday, so I would like to have the following arrangement " Sunday Morning - Wednesday Morning - Me
Wednesday Evening to Sunday Morning - Her

She said that she will think and let me know by today evening or tomorrow afternoon.





Last edited by Vik11; 04/20/19 08:00 PM.
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Well you recognized your own pursuit behaviour, good job.

Dont feel down about it - move forward and let it be in the past.

You asked for advice, I am gonna be blunt:

1. Did she ask you anything related to your kid or mutual financials? Not really, so LEAVE her alone.!

Her response is thick with that exact underlying message...

2. If you feel like validating (which I wouldnt here), then something like “Oh, I understand How that must be very frustrating.. I am sure you will figure something out”.

Drop the rope.....


BD: Wife says "its over" 11th august 2018.
EA: June 2018
PA: August 2018 - ongoing
Status: Taking turns 7 days a week to be in the house w. kids
WW: no regrets, seems happy with leaving.
Joined: Apr 2019
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Thanks Hurt.
Will try and just leave her alone and not bother myself or her.

About finances, the situation is as follows:

She was paying for our Ds daycare expenses and her car lease. Rest all the house expenses like rent and everything else (insurance, food, all the house bills, phone bills were coming from my salary.
When she told me that she will be separating and I was not aware of the affair and AP, I said ok, when you move out, we will distribute the daycare and education fund contribution according to our income ratios (mine was 60% and her came out to be 40%).

In feb she told me that her office ppl had reduced her hours and she would want me to pay my Ds daycare also till the situation gets better and she will pay me back later, to which I agreed. I also contribute towards my Ds education fund.
Later in March she lost the job completely and has no income for last month and half.
Irony is knowing that she did not have a job, she went ahead and took the apartment on rent (she has some savings available for her to last 6-8 months).

I feel like telling her that moving out was her decision and if she can afford the rent without a job and can take such reckless decision, then she should honor the commitment to sare Ds expenses as well.
But on the contrary, I don't want to be vindictive and if I do so, my daughter suffers and I don't want her to suffer because of any conflict between me and my wife.
Not sure what would be the best approach here.

Last edited by Vik11; 04/20/19 08:48 PM.
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