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^^^Really great advise from Hurt and Adam^^^


Originally Posted by Vik11
Well, after today, I felt that the hope for saving my marriage is very low. It feels like nothing will change her heart.


Oh her heart will absolutely change. Just probably not on your timeline. A friend of mine's W went rogue and ditched him. They sold their business and house and she moved in with OM. They didn't speak for 2 years. Then she started pinging him, and then they started having coffee together, then going out and now they are back together and happier than ever. It happens. It's 7 years past BD for me and my XW has only in the last year started showing shade of her old self. When we tell people it's a marathon, that is NO JOKE.

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She mentioned how lonely she felt during last two years and that si why she is leaving me and it has nothing to do with affair.
I just can't take the thought out of my mind that she felt no remorse for cheating on me.


And how much remorse do you feel for abandoning her the last two years? YOU cheated on HER with (fill in the blank- video games, work, poker nights with buddies, TV addiction, alcohol, etc.) See this is what happens with LBS's, they get so wrapped up in their own pain and misery that it makes it impossible for them to see their WAS as anything other than a cold, uncaring, evil monster. But she was hurting quite badly, enough that she felt desperate to escape the M. And an A was her means of escape, a promise of something better. You want to make this all about you, but it's more about her than it is you.

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I so want to sense prevail in my WW and she will make the right choices.


First you have to make yourself the "right choice". Because right now, you're not. Needy, desperate, sad LBS's are not attractive at all. So get about the long, difficult process of making yourself strong, independent, self-sufficient for all things physical and emotional.

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I don't want my wife to think that I am done with her


Oh but you do. Because she will not even think about coming back as long as she knows you are Plan B. It is a paradox. These lines from the movie Swingers help explain it:

MIKE
And what if I don't want to give up on her?

ROB
You don't call.

MIKE
But you said I shouldn't call if I wanted to give up on her.

ROB
Right.

MIKE
So I don't call either way.

ROB
Right.

MIKE
So what's the difference?

ROB
The only difference between giving up and not giving up is if you take her back when she wants to come back. See, you can't do anything to make her want to come back. You can only do things to make her not want to come back.

MIKE
So the only difference is if I forget about her or pretend to forget about her.

ROB
Right.

MIKE
Well that [censored].

ROB
It [censored].

MIKE
So it's almost a retroactive decision. So I could, like, let's say, forget about her and when she comes back make like I just pretended to forget about her.

ROB
Right...or more likely the opposite.

MIKE
Right... Wait, what do you mean?

ROB
I mean first you'll pretend not to care, not call - whatever, and then, eventually, you really won't care.

MIKE
Unless she comes back first.

ROB
Ah, see, that's the thing. Somehow they don't come back until you really don't care anymore.

MIKE
There's the rub.

ROB
There's the rub.


Me: 60 w/ S18, D24, D27

M: 21 years; BD: 06-14-12; S: 09-10-12; D final: 03-17-14; XW:57
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Thanks Adam, Hurt and AnotherStander for your perspectives and it helps look at things differently.

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Oh her heart will absolutely change. Just probably not on your timeline. A friend of mine's W went rogue and ditched him. They sold their business and house and she moved in with OM. They didn't speak for 2 years. Then she started pinging him, and then they started having coffee together, then going out and now they are back together and happier than ever. It happens. It's 7 years past BD for me and my XW has only in the last year started showing shade of her old self. When we tell people it's a marathon, that is NO JOKE.


I agree that it is going to be a marathon and I hope that god gives me strength to keep running and be optimistic.

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And how much remorse do you feel for abandoning her the last two years? YOU cheated on HER with (fill in the blank- video games, work, poker nights with buddies, TV addiction, alcohol, etc.) See this is what happens with LBS's, they get so wrapped up in their own pain and misery that it makes it impossible for them to see their WAS as anything other than a cold, uncaring, evil monster. But she was hurting quite badly, enough that she felt desperate to escape the M. And an A was her means of escape, a promise of something better. You want to make this all about you, but it's more about her than it is you.


I have remorse and I understand and accept my responsibility, but I still am of the opinion that if she would have said that i want to separate and maybe get divorced becuase I am not happy, I would have respect for her and would have accepted this better than what I feel today. Affair was not and is not a solution and this choice destroys more.

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Oh but you do. Because she will not even think about coming back as long as she knows you are Plan B. It is a paradox. These lines from the movie Swingers help explain it:


How do I ensure that she feels that I am not cold towards her and our communication improves, still ensuring that I don't look desperate.

Also, after my confronting her yesterday, I was out the whole day and came back home around 11 after spending some good time with some friends.

In the morning, my daughter wakes up and my wife knocks at my bedroom ( we sleep in different bedrooms since DDay 01/19) and asks me to take her to daycare. I replied that as I have off today, i will stay with our D and spend time with her.
She said ok and then went to take a bath and left in half hour. I know she will be going to OMs place.

I felt helpless and like a doormat as I knew and she also knew that I am aware that she is going to OMs place and I couldn't say anything. She is moving out on Wednesday, so I am not sure if I can set any boundaries.

Is there anything I can do during these 5 days that conveys that I am strong and will not be run over. Self esteem took a big hit today.




Last edited by Vik11; 04/19/19 02:07 PM.
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Be scarce. You will be able to detach a lot better once she moves out.

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Like everyone is saying, you need to let her go. It is extremely counterintuitive. You will want to talk and want to pursue and will want to apologize and want to save your M.

The reality is that you cannot save your M. There is absolutely nothing you can do to make her change her mind. The only thing you can do is get to the point where you are no longer emotionally attached to her. At that point you will be solely focused on yourself and on moving forward in life.

You have to get to the point where you would literaly be surprised that she made changes and started pursuing you. If she ever changes in the future and wants to come back, it would be at a point where you arent even paying attention.

Just be you, do you and do what makes you happy. Keep up your morals and values. Just remember, that when you are still married, one person holding the vows while the other person threw them in the trash doesnt make a marriage work and doesnt keep your marriage together.

Yes, I met another woman and I allowed myself to do what I feel is right, which is to get involved with her. My WW knows about her yes. I actually was not planning on getting into another R. I just met this woman and it felt right and I get along with her very well. That and this woman has shown me what its like to be around a woman that isnt judgemental or critical of me.

My situation only varies slightly wherein my WW has always mistreated me in some form or another and I was just content with it. Once I took a step back I realize that I deserve much better and that she hasn't ever treated me like I should have been treated, so D is ok for me. My WW would have to make some extreme changes in her behavior. She never showed remorse for what she did. I got a few crocodile tears and "sorry's" from her and thats about it.

Just keep BD. Keep detaching. You will notice when you are detached because you will feel nothing when she is around. You won't be thinking about her all the time. You will have stepped off of the emotional roller coaster. You will be fine. You will be happy and content and will have direction.

Stop beating yourself up about the past. The past is the past. You cannot change the past. You can only focus on the future. So start setting yourself some goals both short term and long term and focus on those. Focus on being the best version of yourself possible. Get in the best shape you have ever been in and kick the sh*t out of life. Thats what I am doing.


M:16
T:21
H(me) 38
WW: 38
S11 D16 D19
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ILYBNILWY: August 4, 2018
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Vik, you are getting a lot of good advices here. Just focus on yourself and D. Free yourself so as to regain your own power. Get you own respect back.

Stand strong there man. Keep DB. Stick to the rules. You need to go dark, detach and GAL.

Respect!


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I just can't take the thought out of my mind that she felt no remorse for cheating on me.


You set yourself up for disappointment. In spite of what you were told, you still believed the confrontation would evoke remorseful feelings. She's packing up and buying new things for her new life as a single woman. She's not going to feel remorse for some time.

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I don't want my wife to think that I am done with her and later if she would like to come back, she should not think that she can't because I closed all the doors.(Though i don't want to give a signal that I will be waiting forever).


You have no idea about the mindset of a WW. I have observed a lot of wayward cases. The H's who practiced what you said in the above quote, couldn't move on b/c they left that old door open. You see, as long as you want her to know you are keeping the door open........your emotions are standing in the doorway with your neck stretched watching to see if there is any movement from her. It does not work in getting her back. In fact, the opposite actions and attitude is much more likely to send the message that she has just put a good man on the market for other women to gobble up. No, I'm not saying you should jump into the dating arena. I'm just saying to let her go. You can still love her, but do it from a distance. She doesn't need to know you carry a torch. The WW is so full of herself that she doesn't really consider completely losing her H. Even if she files for D, she sees him in the background, always there waiting for her just in case she needs him to do something for her. She sees him as being her pal, her old buddy, her errand boy, or whatever. Lots of H's go along with it, thinking she'll eventually change her mind when she sees how loyal he's been. Well, guess what? This does not work with Waywards. So, forget that type of thinking, b/c you are dealing with a different animal.

For many WW's, it is a shock to discover her LBH would actually have the b@lls to dump her. I'm not saying he has to run out and file for a D. He simply drops the emotional rope he has tied to her. He doesn't have to make pronouncements about it. She'll know when he lets go.

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She seems so emotionally detached that i feel that she is someone I don't know at all and don't want to be in love also.


You can't imagine just how much she is detached.


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
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Thanks Guys for your words.

@ Sandi,

What about the remaining days before she moves out.?
Can i set any boundaries? Now that she knows that I know of the affair and she still went ahead and left in the morning for OMs place. Felt like a doormat who couldnt do anything about it.

Any advice on that?

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Originally Posted by Vik11
Is there anything I can do during these 5 days that conveys that I am strong and will not be run over. Self esteem took a big hit today.


That's like asking what you can do in the first 5 steps to make the marathon different. I think you are reading the comments, but not understanding them. "See, you can't do anything to make her want to come back. You can only do things to make her not want to come back."


Me: 60 w/ S18, D24, D27

M: 21 years; BD: 06-14-12; S: 09-10-12; D final: 03-17-14; XW:57
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V,

What boundaries are you gonna set and what are the consequences when she breaks them?

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That is what i am confused about.
Five days left but I just wanted to give a message that she can't just do anything till the time she is living here, even if it is five days. I just dont want to feel doormat.

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