Wife is having an affair and wants to separate

[Nik11]

HI friends,

Firstly, thanks to all the members who gave their suggestions and advice.

Update- My wife is moving out to an apartment 3 miles from where I live.
The hostility in her conversations has decreased and the messages she sends are pertaining to our 2 year old daughter, but atleast communication is happening. I guess she is relieved that she is leaving and will have free access to her AP for the days my daughter will be with me.

FYI....I have not confronted her yet about the affair.

I was planning to confront her and as per Sandi, it is not going to change anything and now I am in doubt and don't know if I do or should not do.

IF I DO
- If I do confront her, then that would mean that the communication that has improved will again stall.
- She may think as the affair is out in open, she may be pushed further towards her AP.
- She if in any scenario, may want to come back in few months,will have resistance and guilt and shame, if she knows that I was aware of the affair going on.
- May intensify her feelings towards the AP
- The days we have left together (this week basically), will be awkward and I am not sure how to deal with it.

IF I DON'T - If I don't confront her, then
- I will not have the peace of mind that I told her before she left that I was not deceived, but did not confront her earlier because I wanted our daughter to have as much family time as possible.
- There is a possibility that once she moves out and realizes that the fantasy world she was living in is different than the real world and may have second thoughts.
- If she believes that I am not aware of the affair, the road back is easier. Once she is back, definitely we will talk about the affair and recovery.
- Communication while she is living separately will be ok and may have opportunities to talk about stuff other than our daughter and may help rebuilding (maybe, but seems difficult).

PLEASE PLEASE help me with this dilemma.

All the vets on this forum, would request you to please help me decide what way to take.
i guess the fear of losing her is gripping my rational thinking and I really want to do what works and not what i feel will work.

I just have this week to have this conversation and I want to do it as soon as possible.

[SteveLW]

I am going to refrain. I never contradict Sandi but there is no way I couldn't confront if it were me.

Listen to Sandi. She is the best.

[Nik11]

Thanks Steve85 and I also think the same as you do.

But what Sandi mentioned was that is not going to do anything, then why not do it.
Atleast that gives me peace that she does not laugh with her AP about deceiving me and how big a fool I was.
Though I know that this should not be the reason I should confront. (Don't want to go by what I feel, but what works).

@ Sandi,

Your two cents would be really helpful.

[AnotherStander]

FYI....I have not confronted her yet about the affair.

I was planning to confront her and as per Sandi, it is not going to change anything and now I am in doubt and don't know if I do or should not do.

Vik, here's the deal. She probably doesn't care whether you know or not, but she hasn't told you because she thinks it's none of your business. My XW was more of a WAW than a WW, but even she became super-secretive and I became the last to know ANYTHING going on with her. The mailman and random strangers knew stuff before I did. This is your new situation, and it's hard to accept I know. So whatever you think you might gain from confronting her, you're probably wrong. It'll probably just bring you more pain and heartache because her response will show you she's way more gone than you realize.

i guess the fear of losing her is gripping my rational thinking and I really want to do what works and not what i feel will work.

She's already gone. She considered the two of you "divorced" at BD. You can't get her back through confronting her, and you can't get her back by not confronting her. She's gone either way. Now maybe some day she will come back, but not now and not anytime soon. These things take a lot of time to resolve. For now you have to let her go wallow in the mess she's creating.

[Nik11]

I know what you are saying Anotherstander is the hard reality but when I think of the mess she is creating, I see my daughter who is just two suffering and getting scars that may not heal.
That is just what kills me every night when I go to bed. She did not deserve any of this, she deserved an effort by both her parents to give her a family/save the family she deserves.

I know I have been wrong and I am responsible partly for the situation, but not the affair and I believe if it was not there, reconciliation would have been possible.
But my W chose the path that will just bring destruction for all (her family, my family, our daughter).
I wonder how people can change that much, be so selfish that they don't care about the pain they are causing to all in their life.

If she is gone already, then why should I worry about not telling her what I know and how it is affecting our daughter and our lives.I don't want to beg but atleast want to tell her that I am strong and I will come out of this stronger than before.
The limerence [censored] and worst part is that they don't care about anyone anymore, just their happiness (which also won't last long considering the pain and hurt they are causing to get that. (We reap what we sow.).

Sorry, but just wanted to vent..Feeling of losing family that you built for last 10 years, losing the dreams you had for the family, your kids, I guess is the worst pain in the world.

Hope I can look back someday and say, I survived it.

[AnthonyA]

Based on all of my experience so far in my sitch, expect the unexpected. My wife and I were arguing at each other. I finally felt like I was detached. I stood up to her in our communication and told her my conditions, called her BFF a B a few times. Talked dissolution and other things. 10 days later, she had me snuggling and kissing her and now I am back to trying to pick up the pieces and detaching again.

So what I am saying is, she is gone either way. It takes a while to realize that. You can't control if she files for divorce or doesn't. You control yourself and can be the best father in the world. I focus on my children and focus on working out and taking care of myself.

My BIL said it best. I was too focused on her being the prize. He said that is not the way to look at it. You are the prize. She needs to feel the loss of you. She needs to win you back, the prize. Stay strong...just when you think you are doing good, the WW will sense that and test you. Don't do what I did and fall for it...stick to your boundaries and conditions. AT ALL COSTS!

Stay strong and continue DBing!

[neffer]

You will survive Vik. Choose the way to get your respect back.

I was a wwH some time ago. Selfishness and limerence was a big portion of my world. But when confronted by W, I chose my family then and here I am. You have been reading into the forum so you know that no matter how much W rushes to get away, it all takes time and suffering. You can control what you control: yourself.

Get some lawyer´s advice and start walking your road. Detach, protect yourself. Be there for your D.

Dignity and respect Vik

Be strong man. Keep DB.

(((Vik)))

[AnotherStander]

That is just what kills me every night when I go to bed. She did not deserve any of this, she deserved an effort by both her parents to give her a family/save the family she deserves.

Half of marriages end in divorce. And the other half that don't end in D, I would love to know how many of those are broken, messed up M's. I bet it's a lot. Your daughter is not going through something unique here. After my D I was hiking with my younger daughter and told her I was sorry she and her siblings had to go through our D. Do you know what she said? That XW and I had 20 years together and that was pretty impressive in this day and age, and that even after D we both worked hard to show them how important they were to us, and we always put them first, and that she couldn't ask for more than that. I have some pretty darned smart kids. You can't control whether your M makes it or not. But you can control what kind of parent you are to your D. Focus on what you can control.

But my W chose the path that will just bring destruction for all (her family, my family, our daughter).

I know it all seems catastrophic to you right now and I know you are hurting, but this isn't going to destroy anything other than the M itself. Her family will be good, so will yours, so will your D. It'll all work out. Be patient and give it time. Quit blaming W and stop the unhealthy thoughts.

If she is gone already, then why should I worry about not telling her what I know and how it is affecting our daughter and our lives.

Tell her or don't tell her, it makes no difference. But SHE will blame YOU. She'll explain in WAS terms why it's all your fault, why your actions FORCED her to have an affair and blah blah blah. You're just going to get a big face full of WAS script and no closure or feelings of peace or anything. Just understand that going in.

I don't want to beg but atleast want to tell her that I am strong and I will come out of this stronger than before.

She won't believe it. SHOW her, don't TELL her. Ask yourself how you can show her inner strength in the face of this.

[sandi2]

I am going to refrain. I never contradict Sandi but there is no way I couldn't confront if it were me.

Well, thank you, Steve. But I think I might have been misunderstood.

People get the idea I don't support confrontation. I don't have a problem with it. I merely try to explain that confrontation, alone, doesn't change the situation. That's not to say the LBH shouldn't call the WW out on her affair. So many LBH's think once they approach the WW and tell her he knows about the OM, it will stop her dead in her tracks. I don't recall a confrontation stopping a WW once an affair had started.......not just by telling her what the LBH knows. She may confess, or she may announce she wants an immediate divorce. I remember several cases where the WW pretended to have ended things with OM, etc., but she had no intentions of working on her MR. This is what I wanted you (Vik) to realize. In other words, think it through carefully, and know that you are confronting her for the right reason.

Yes, you could have confronted her and told her you had not been deceived......if it would give you some sense of satisfaction. I didn't think it was a good idea to tell her to move a week earlier than she had already planned. IMO, it didn't make you look like a big strong man to tell her to get out a week before she had scheduled, b/c you've gone..... how long knowing about the OM and didn't say a word?

I will comment on the things you said, but I want to make it clear that I am not nit-picking. It's impossible to get everything said in the first few posts, so we usually reply to whatever the newcomer says.

IF I DO
- If I do confront her, then that would mean that the communication that has improved will again stall.

I'm not saying you are wrong. I'm simply asking a question. Other than something that regards the children or business, why are you worried if she doesn't want to communicate with you? I want you to understand something about a WW. As long as you play the role of her BFF, she will communicate. She may text you half to death......but you will discover it is always about "her". WW's are incredibly selfish. If she doesn't benefit some how, then she's not interested. She will communicate during her pity parties, or when she's mad, when she's bored, when she wants something, etc. But it seldom leads to place the LBH initially hoped. Therefore, give some thought about what you are wanting out of her communication, b/c she is not leaving in order to work on the MR. She has fired you as her H. So what do you have to talk about? I'm just asking.

- She may think as the affair is out in open, she may be pushed further towards her AP.

Are you saying that if you confront her, she'll think the affair is public, so it will push her closer to the OM? You can't control what she does. You have to make decisions based on what is best for you, and let her do the same. It's hard to let go of it, but you didn't have any control over her anyway.

- She if in any scenario, may want to come back in few months,will have resistance and guilt and shame, if she knows that I was aware of the affair going on.

This is the wrong type of thinking, IMHO. You would choose not to call her out on her cheating, b/c it might make her feel guilt and shame??? Are you willing to live with that secret, just so it won't cause resistance to her return? I believe stubborn pride is the biggest factor for resistance in the WW. If she returned, believing you knew nothing about her cheating behavior, she would likely continue to be untrustworthy throughout the M. The WW has to face truth/reality and consequences, and if you are lucky, she will be hit with a big dose of remorse & humility. It is very important to her recovery from waywardness to feel remorse for her deceit and infidelity (and that's just part of the work she'll need to do). Don't even think about taking her back under false pretenses.

- May intensify her feelings towards the AP

So what if it did? Things are going to get worse before they get better, so you make your decisions based on what is best for you. Let go of trying to control what she feels.

- The days we have left together (this week basically), will be awkward and I am not sure how to deal with it.

So what? (Learn to think, "So what".) It should be awkward for her once she's confronted with the truth.......however, it seldom has that affect on the WW. She feels justified and entitled. If you confront her with the truth, then just leave her alone. Don't continue to discuss the relationship. She needs to be left to wonder what you will do. Don't make any promises or threats. Once you confront, leave her alone. Don't fret about it, and don't try to carry on a conversation, except if necessary for the kids. Face your fear of awkwardness, Vik.

All in all.......I find none of these reasons sufficient in support of why you shouldn't confront. This is really a list of fears. ((hugs))

- IF I DON'T - If I don't confront her, then I will not have the peace of mind that I told her before she left that I was not deceived, but did not confront her earlier because I wanted our daughter to have as much family time as possible.

Not sure if I understand this statement. If confronting will give you peace of mind, then let that be on your list for pro-confrontation......period. It has nothing to do with controlling her. And, don't use your daughter as an excuse for not confronting your WW.

- There is a possibility that once she moves out and realizes that the fantasy world she was living in is different than the real world and may have second thoughts.

That possibility has absolutely nothing to do with you not confronting her. Again, you sound as if covering her secret will instigate her return, and it simply doesn't work that way with WW's. My question is why would you even want her coming home thinking you weren't any wiser to her deeds? Look, the WW has lost respect for her H. The fact that she believes she has outsmarted him, does not help. Every action the LBH takes needs to be seen as reflecting his inner strength.....b/c strength is the only thing the WW respects.

- If she believes that I am not aware of the affair, the road back is easier. Once she is back, definitely we will talk about the affair and recovery.

Oh me, oh me. I see fear and control in the statement above.......with some fantasy thrown in the mix. In one of my WW threads I explain the road back for the wayward W.......and it should not be too easy, b/c she needs to work for it. Otherwise, the likelihood of full recovery is not that great.

- Communication while she is living separately will be ok and may have opportunities to talk about stuff other than our daughter and may help rebuilding (maybe, but seems difficult).

Well, this is basically what you've previously said, so I will respond the same. Why do you want to talk about other stuff with a woman who chose another man over you? If she doesn't want you, do you think nice conversation will change her feelings? This is not the girl you married! She has changed. She doesn't respect you. Lack of respect is the backdrop of waywardness. I think you hope to persuade her to return home by being the nice guy.......and it's that nice-guy syndrome that caused her to disrespect you in the first place.

I hope you can take my frank way of speaking. I am not intentionally trying to give you more pain. I want to help you, and I suspect you will need to read a little book called, No More Mr. Nice Guy. There is a commonality with WW's. They seem to be married to men who have the NGS. It's an interesting observation.

i guess the fear of losing her is gripping my rational thinking and I really want to do what works and not what i feel will work.

Yes, your fear is overtaking you. ((hugs))

I just have this week to have this conversation and I want to do it as soon as possible.

The above statement is an example of your fear talking. You said you just have this week to have the conversation. IMHO, that implies you believe the confrontation is suppose to prevent your WW leaving. I have tried to explain how it won't control what she does or how she feels. You can confront her with the truth and let her know she has not made a fool of you. You can do it for your own personal satisfaction......but don't have expectations of it affecting her decisions or feelings. Don't plan to have a long relationship conversation, b/c you will say too much. You can't believe what she says anyway. Not at this point.

[Nik11]

Thnaks a lot Neffer, Anthony, AnotherStander and Sandi for your detailed suggestions and advice.
I can't thank you enough for the clarity that you guys bring.

So, after thinking, i think atleast I should let her know that i know of the affair and was not being deceived.I guess I should be ready to bear the consequences and no pint putting my head in sand, because not confronting also is not getting me any benefit (unless you guys think it does and if you do, please let me know).

I plan to say the following:

WW,

I know that you are having an affair with your ex colleague "XXXX" and it breaks my heart to know that there is someone else in your life who is more important to you than me and is tearing our family apart.
.
WW - Nothing like this is there and there is no affair, he is just a good friend.

Vik11- Please do not lie anymore and disrespect me and our daughter.
I will not tolerate your deceit and allow you to continue to lie to your parents as well. They are good people and
don't want them to think that our marriage broke just because of the reasons that you have given me.They
deserve to know the truth on our side as well, because i took your hand from your father and I feel responsible.

WW - Ok, yes i have an affair and you are responsible for that. You pushed me into that.

Vik11 - I know that I did things that strained our MR and the reasons that you gave me have merit and I am working
on fixing those and will continue to do so for my personal growth and other relations.While what I did was
subconcious, you made a conscious choice to be in affair, knowing well the damage it will be causing.So, I
take the 50% responsibility for my actions that deteriorated our MR, but the affair is on you. You decided to
choose affair over family, infedility over trust and marriage.
What are you going to tell your daughter in future, when she faces issues and going gets tough in her life?
That she should cut and run?
If you decide to continue the affair, we can't be friends as you had mentioned in one of your messages. As
we have to coparent our daughter, we will be only talking/messaging regarding our daughter.

WW - So, if you know that I don't want to be with you, I will file the divorce soon.

Vik11 - That is your choice. I don't want a divorce, but if it is something that you want, go ahead and do as you
please. I will have my lawyer reply and till the time divorce doesn't get final, do not expose our daughter to
OM, otherwise I may have to proceed legally on that as well

After this, i will leave the room.

What do you guys think. Is this OK.

I know the conversation can go in any direction, but I wanted to make sure I had answers for main things I know will come during discussion.

If you think there is anything I need to change, please let me know or if you think I need to be prepared for some other points, would appreciate your inputs. (I PLAN TO DO IT TOMORROW, SO WOULD APPRECIATE IF YOU CAN TAKE SOME OF YOUR TIME TODAY TO GO THROUGH THIS AND REPLY)

Thanks again for all your support and guidance. You guys feel like family that understands my pain and knows exactly where it hurts and what I should do.