Still feels like I'm in Limbo

[Hazy]

I decided to post this new thread on this forum due to my circumstances but if it's in the wrong place I will move it.

I don't really write much but I always come here to find comfort or to read similar situations (which have been hard to find) but I really need to journal right now and have people listen to me that understand and can give me words of wisdom.

Long story short. I've been separated for six years, divorcing soon (we agreed to wait until daughter turned 18 which will be in a few months). He has been in and out of my life these past six years, cake-eating as I have learned. I always wanted my marriage to be restored but honestly, I didn't do much to restore it besides being there for him whenever he chose me to be with. He has had many relationships over these six years and I've been on a total of four dates, I just haven't been ready to meet someone new.

I read divorce remedy and did the LRT which worked every time. He always sought me out and worked his way back into my life. BUT he never stopped dating others and I allowed myself to remain his friend. He has always maintained that he loved me but doesn't want to be in a marriage with me. He still would buy me presents, take care of the outside of the home, buy things for the home and always made me feel like he wanted to take care of me but his actions showed me he didn't want to be my husband. He doesn't want to get a divorce, he says its because I will lose his insurance and other benefits of being married. Well, I can afford my own insurance so that's not really a good reason. He drives me crazy.

What has brought me back to the boards is this situation:

He met a woman a year ago and throughout their dating he tried to keep in contact with me, which I limited. He would break up with her when he saw how deeply affected I was about him moving on but would start the relationship again. He moved her into his apartment and told me. I told him that we needed to go ahead and file the divorce. He went ballistic and said no, that she meant nothing to him and that I was his world and blah blah blah. Two weeks later she had moved out BUT they were still dating. Fast forward a few months and he said he was moving out of state and was beginning a new life. I asked if he was going alone and he said yes. He asked me if he could live at my home for three weeks until he moved because his apartment sold quickly. I agreed, secretly hoping that he would love being there and realize how much he missed me. He did a lot of updates around the house and always stayed busy. He was home every night and never went out except for a couple of times which he would actually call me when out. I believed that he was not with the OW any longer because there were no signs of it. I followed all the suggestions in DR and really really thought that he was heading in the direction of a restored marriage. When he was leaving he made me promise that I would always be in touch and that he could stay with me when he came down to visit. He made me promise that he would be the first to be contacted if anything were to happen to me. He said he would be with me if I ever needed him for anything and that I always come first. Well....two weeks later he sent me an email telling me that he was moving back to our home state and that him and OW were moving in together. BOMB drop AGAIN. I was devastated. In his email he said he hopes this doesn't change what we mean to each other and that he is always there for me if I need him. I don't know if I fooled myself into thinking he was showing signs of reconciliation or if he is just so passed thinking of us together that he was just being a roommate and nothing else and using the house as a pit stop. Which now I know is the case.

The day I read the email is the day I blocked all contact with him. Which has been a week ago, the longest I have gone without talking to him. I didn't respond to the email, I just blocked contact. We have three children together all grown accept for one which will be 18 soon. He has been calling them non-stop telling them to ask me why I won't answer his calls. I told them all what happen (which I have never done before) and told them that I needed time to heal and move on. My oldest told him that and he just said "ok".

I can go on and on about this situation but I know I am lucky if anyone has read this far already!!!

I appreciate any words of wisdom or any comforting words. I know I need to just keep moving forward and be thankful of what I do have in my life now. I'm just so angry at myself for wasting six years of hope.

[doodler]

I'm just so angry at myself for wasting six years of hope.

Oh h3ll yes sister, you're doing the right thing. That t_rd is an emotionally abusive b@stard. Keep on movin' on.

And, the thing to remember about the past is that it's the past. There's nothing you can do to change it so don't beat yourself up over what's done, but you do need to remember it so that you don't repeat past behavior. Use the anger to push yourself onward and upward.

Chin up, and aim high; you've got this.

[Dawn70]

Big hugs to you, Hazy. I'm so sorry for the situation, but I totally agree with doodler. This guy is just a user. If you are already living separately, what is the point of waiting until D turns 18 to divorce? He's moved on but is just keeping you on the back burner while you are twisting in agony. Like doodler said, use that anger you feel toward yourself to push yourself to move onward and upward without this guy. You'll always have a link to him since you share children, but your kids are adults so it is a tenuous link at best. You don't NEED him. You can do just fine by yourself. You deserve SO much better.

[kml]

May I also recommend a book my friend gave to me when I was going through my divorce? It's an Alanon boook called the Courage to Change. Alcohol was not involved in my relationship but this book was still helpful, and easy to read as each individual page is a separate thought.

Stay strong, get your divorce done and stay out of contact - he's got serious problems and he's wasted enough of your life. Stop sitting on the shelf being his Plan B. Get out and live YOUR life.

[JujuB]

Agreed . No contact no contact no contact. It could be said that he’s after you for kibbles. Makes other woman behave better cause she knows he’s got a plan b. Don’t be plan b for anyone. Learn to love and value yourself so you will never be a plan b for anyone ever again. He is so not worth it.

Hope you keep posting here.

[Hazy]

Where did these tears come from?! Man did the vault open when I began reading your responses. I think it's because they are so on point and they are from someone that is not in my immediate circle. I feel like I could feel all of you yelling your message and cheering me on right in my living room And no, I do not want to continue being a Plan B. I do know that's what I have allowed myself to be all of this time. He knows that I love him so very much and he has taken full advantage of that.

What's funny is that I feel so much less anxiety knowing that it can't be him texting or calling when my phone goes off. Any other time when he wouldn't hear from me he would go ape sh3t and text me over and over again. Usually with mean texts about how I don't appreciate him. Making me doubt myself and making me feel like I was pushing him further away all while he was with someone else! What is wrong with me!!! I would hate if my daughters were like this. I hope they didn't learn this behavior from me.

What's worse (don't yell) is that I allowed him to use my house as his storage shed and I have tons of his boxes in my garage and closets. Another reason I just knew he was coming back because who would be that mean to have their wife keep their stuff all while planning his future with someone else? Craziness. Well, he's supposed to pick it up within 3 weeks according to his bomb drop email.

kml - I will look for that book thank you for the suggestion

[Twofeet]

Hazy,

Not trying to sound too harsh but you sound like a good baker cause he has had plenty of cake to eat. Along with kml I suggest checking out the book Boundaries: When to Say Yes, How to Say No to Take Control of Your Life. It has helped me with strengthening the boundaries with my XW.

[DejaVu6]

(((HAZY))) So sorry you have been through this. I know what it is like to be in your shoes. My H left me emotionally almost five years ago and effectively kept me on the back burner by lying about what he was doing. And I wanted so badly to believe that the issues with us were temporary and due to outside circumstances (my intuition knew differently but I ignored it) that I allowed myself to be gaslighted for years. No longer. He is living with his latest affair (I’m sure there have been others) and we are just finalizing all of the financials for our divorce. After that, I will be as free as a bird.

I NEVER thought I would feel this way in a million years. I was a mess when everything came to light and I realized how much I had been used and lied to. It was really, really hard not to blame myself for a lot of it and to take his behaviour personally. At the end of the day, I know I played a part in the breakdown of our marriage but he sealed the deal with his behaviour, his cheating and his pathological lying. The bottom line is that once I REALLY understood that, realized that, in actuality, I had been living without him for years and faced my fears (the usual ones... being alone, having no one to love me, financial troubles, etc...), my outlook shifted dramatically. I am much, much, much happier than I have been in a very long time. My STBXH is no longer the first thing I think about in the morning or the last thing I think about before I go to bed. In fact, I barely think about him at all except for when I have to communicate with him about the kids. And when I do, I am pleasant and friendly because I feel that way now. What he does and who he is with does not affect me at all anymore. I am dating and meeting lots of new people and for the first time in a long time, I am laughing a lot, having fun and loving my life!!!

You can do this Hazy!!! You can let go of the past, see your H for who he is, forgive yourself for your contribution (and him for his if that helps) and then you can let him go!!! Time and distance will help you. I promise. Keep your focus on you. Get out in the world. Have hope for a better future that YOU get to create. That’s EXCITING!!! Get excited!!! I know that has helped me immeasurably... to not know what the future holds but to know it will definitely be better than the past I am leaving behind. And I know it will be because I still have all the important things (my kids, my health, my home, my self respect) and because I will make sure it is!! You have that power too!!

So...that was the DV6 version of a pep talk from someone who has been in your shoes. You can do this. A better future awaits, I PROMISE you!!! (((HUGS)))

[Hazy]

Twofeet - I have to admit, that was funny. LOL Thanks for the book suggestion I will check it out.

DejaVu6 - thank you for your kind words and hugs. What fueled my fire to keep fighting for him and being a doormat is that I convinced myself that if I would've been a better wife he wouldn't be with OW. I convinced myself that I was the most important person in his life, he just didn't see himself as good enough to be with me. All of that was an excuse not to move forward and I see that now. I do know and accept my part in the breakdown of the marriage. Good for you for moving on and being excited for your future, I'm going to channel your energy.

[Hazy]

I was talking with my D21 tonight and she asked me if I had spoken with her dad at all, I said no. She said "I respect that" For some reason that just made me sad. Both because it made me wonder how they viewed me as a woman these past six years and what have I taught them about relationships. Second because she has to see her parents go through this. She said her dad sounded really sad over the phone. I just listened and didn't really respond.

On the bright side, I have been doing ok. Having no contact at all with H has really helped me think clearly and has helped me with feeling so anxious about him contacting me. I've been out for dinner with friends quite a bit this week and have stayed busier at work and at home. Keeping my mind busy has helped tremendously. My D17 has her last prom tomorrow, so I'm excited about that.