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Here is the thing that people generally don't talk about when they have young kids. I mean under 9 generally. When they're this young, you have to given age appropriate explanations and let them know the separation isn't about them. The LBS and WS have to present a united front for the kids - which I believe is the right option. They are too young to understand what's going on and you want to try and minimize impact - in some ways that's a pipe dream and the impact can't be ascertained till years later.

What gets lost is the following.

The kids are going to grow up! And they're going to have questions. You best believe that I am not putting up a false front when they're old enough to know that their mother decided this and gave no chance to stay as a family. I won't share that until I am asked and I won't do it in a disparaging way to their mother. But I will give them the truth.

This truth is damaging. This will change their R with the mother in some capacity. They will find out that their mother didn't do everything possible to try and salvage the marriage. This is the piece that the WS don't realize - the full truth will come out in time and it will have its day. And that day is going to be ugly.

She has to live with this decision and all its consequences. Will the children get over it in time - I have no idea. But I damnnn well know that I can say that I did all I could. She can't say that.

So no matter how well you can handle it with the kids right now, you're just kicking the can down the road. I've seen this in my own life and in lives of some other folks. And this will be hard especially when the LBS is not a piece of $hit person that justified this decision.

There is a long term view to this that escapes most WS. The future will tell how it plays out.


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Maika - I agree with this. My D19 and S21 haven't asked hardly any questions, but when I found out that OW is trying to convince H they should buy a place together, I told H that if he moves in with her, I will tell the kids. He immediately told me I was purposely trying to ruin his relationship with them. I calmly told him that no, I was just going to tell them the truth. He didn't like it. I don't care. I told him that I would never lie to the kids, and I would not try to ruin anything, just tell the truth. MLCers think us LBS standers are pushovers I think. H doesn't have a clue how far I've come in the last 6 months.


M: 56
H: 57
S: 22
D: 20

H Moved out: 10/1/18
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Hello friends,

Tomorrow is a new month. Summer is around the corner. Time flies, especially as we get older, it just feels as if it moves by faster and faster. The last several years I have felt stuck in what feels like a holding pattern -- as if once I get through this hard time, I can breathe and start living again. I think that's not true tho. Life was then just as much as it is now. Things can get worse just as easily as they can get better. We've got to keep living today and not just while looking ahead.

Grace, I was very firm with my H during our separation that he was not to bring our kids anywhere near OW. Could I actually control that? No. Did I try? Abso-fing-lutely. That entire situation was so toxic and would have hurt the kids more to be involved in it. Fortunately he never did subject them to it. Not only would it have hurt/confused them, but it would be one more pile of chit we would need to shovel through now. And speaking of chit, I saw XOW recently. I was actually with H. She just walked on by with her OM2. I can just see the regret all over Hs face. This lady is no prize! I don't feel much of anything or strong triggers -- but they all look dumb to me -- just foolish really -- my H, her, and the loser OM2 that is still with her. I'm sure its a matter of time before she finds a replacement for this guy.

A good friend is going through a break-up right now. I feel for him. He is so focused on her and what could have been. It just seems so simple to me now. He thinks she's is making a mistake. He sees her issues and why she is running. But understanding HER doesn't bring her back, it just keeps him attached and prevents him from moving on. The same goes for accepting his own blame in it.

You can't bring people back no matter how hard you try. When someone doesn't want you, just let them go. That's all you can do. Over time these things sort out and even they will see it differently.

Blu


“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
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Blu, you've spoken some true words about not waiting for "our time". None of us should play that waiting game, but we all do it at different points.

I wasn't sure what you meant by your very last sentence, "Over time these things sort out and even they will see it differently." Can you explain a bit more what you're thinking?

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I hate to read that you feel stuck. I hate it even more that I don't know what to do to help you get out of it. I feel like maybe I'm just too inexperienced sometimes for the people who have kids. But I think it comes back to attitude and mindset. The person who says she can and the person who says can't are both right. When you look for the good, you commit to making things great, and you put your heart into...how can you not feel better?

Do you think you are "all in" with your H? Or are you holding back? Why are you feeling stuck?


H 34
W 29
BD 3/12/18
Divorce Busted Spring 19

It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
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Yail, I meant two things by that. In time, all of our sitches eventually sort out. Things don't remain up in the air indefinitely. Either they come back and we work on the M or we don't and both people move on (or continue to remain attached and wait). But over time change will happen. Whichever direction things move in, both people will see the sitch differently. For example, the LBS is initially wounded and wants the WS back. The WS is running away and doesn't want the LBS (even telling themselves lies or rewriting history if they need to justify their actions). However, several months or even years later, both perspectives change, whether there is a recon or not. The way I view my H and my M now, is completely different than when he first left. The same is true for him. Think about it: 5 years ago he was running away from our M, with OW, and said he wanted D. Now, he is back at home, and the more the years pass, the more he sees what a mistake that was. Even if our M doesn't survive, there is no part of him now that thinks having an A and leaving your family is a good idea. Even if we didn't R, he recognizes that the way he thought about me and our M on BD is extreme/emotionally driven. I think in time, as emotions settle, logic or more practical thinking comes around. Again, that doesn't mean the S will always go back to the LBS, but the perspective will shift.


Ovr, thank you. I think sometimes you don't give yourself enough credit. You have good insight into other peoples' sitches. You are right in that this has everything to do with my attitude and mindset. I know that. H knows that. It just doesn't seem to be changing. For whatever reason, my brain cannot convince my heart to feel what it needs to in order to have a close and loving relationship. So no, I'm not all in. Yes, I do hold back a lot. And I think I feel stuck, because I feel as if I should be doing things differently. My focus is much more on my kids, their activities and success, how to prepare them for college (middle in HS and one a young adult going back to school). I work, I take care of my home and family, I drive them to/from their sports, and I am pretty good about self care on my time off. What I don't do is nurture my M. Should I? Sure, of course., we can all agree on that. Do I feel a strong motivation or desire to? No So how can I do that in an authentic way? I am asking.

Reading here doesn't give me a new appreciation for my H, as perhaps it does some of you. You all might see a man that did the right thing. You also my hope your S does the same; comes back and makes ammends. That is how I felt after he left me. Now tho, many years later, I see it differently. I see a good person, who made a terrible mistake, and a person that I believe I can forgive, but not a person I want to feel close to and trust with my heart.

Blu


“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
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I'm a complete rookie her Blue but... I would question whether you have actually forgiven him. You may trust him in certain ways and are confident that he wouldn't do it again <-- but if this is true and you still can't give him your heart.. then I don't think you've forgiven him. Forgiveness has a cost, that cost is paid by the forgiver and it is not easy, but when it is truly done, that is when you again allow yourself to be vulnerable with him.


H(me:) 44
W: 45
T: 16yrs
M: 13
S: 9
S: 6
Pre BD (not really recognized by either) 8/18
PA 11/18
PA suspected 12/22/18 (Denied)
PA confirmed 12/28/18
PA #2 (Different) 2/16/19
S: 4/7/2019

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This sounds hard, Blu. I am reading your situation very closely because my H has been saying pretty consistently for months that he wants to work on the R and get back together. I don't trust him, I don't seem to be able to get myself to a place where I'd be able to trust or forgive him, and I think he's probably in the same place - wanting to repair things, but not able to make the leap. Sometimes I wonder if it would be better for both of us to let go, pull the plug and start afresh. Do you regret your decision to R?

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Jack Three Beans once wrote:


"when I was going through this, my mantra was

Today is not the day that I quit

Maybe I will quit tomorrow, yet I will wait to see what tomorrow brings

Then repeat that tomorrow"


You know Blu that I did what your H did...so I don´t feel much qualified to give you advice.
Let me just say that you need to forgive H not for him but for yourself. Then you´ll find trust. I know it´s hard. But it´s a need.

Time and patience Blu.


WW H(me): 53
W: 48
T: 27 M: 22
S: 18
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Blu

It's good to hear from you. Just wanted to come by and say that I feel ya on the trust and giving your heart to H now. I don't know how one restores that and forgiveness may be part of that equation, but I suspect there's more than that. I have no idea what that might be. I know this has not been your path, but I wonder if you need to take the next exit off the highway. How's the sex life? If this heaviness has been on your heart, even if it might just be a tremble at this point, have you been able to develop any meaningful intimacy?


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