Any advice for a newcomer?

[gzabetas]

Interestingly enough today I had such a moment.

We keep talking about the OM in this forum. but I only had hints.

Today when she was gone, I saw she had left her purse wide open on the table.

I snooped. Guilty. Found notes of her with interactions with OM.
Little diaries that women keep about how they made them feel. What he whispered in her ear.
Plus there details of events that pointed to it being real, with a real OM.

So I am contemplating going all Ray Liotta on this OM. I punched the wall earlier.
I thought I was calmer than this, but I am losing my cool.
I am picturing smashing his head. This OM destroyed my family as we are getting divorced now.

Of course I am going to do the logical fight and play this like a chess game.

When she moves into her new place I will leave printouts of these on her new floor or walls.

[Twofeet]

So I am contemplating going all Ray Liotta on this OM. I punched the wall earlier.
I thought I was calmer than this, but I am losing my cool.
I am picturing smashing his head. This OM destroyed my family as we are getting divorced now.

Its easy to blame OM, I mean they are going around with a married woman. Shows what kind of character they have. However, OM did not destroy your family or your marriage. Your W did.

[gzabetas]

not disagreeing with you. Its the Ws fault.

But you know what its like when you have an alcoholic at the bar and he is struggling, and the bartender knows and he still serves him the drink.

Thats kind of what the OM is. The W is weak. Mine was recommended to join the gym due to her depression.
She was struggling with identity issues and childhood trauma , giving birth etc.

So the "pusherman" comes along, "Hey I can give you a hit of this sweet strange sex". make all your pain go away.
Wife gives in, and really they are both to blame. Wife mostly though as she didnt keep her word to me.

[SteveLW]

So I am contemplating going all Ray Liotta on this OM. I punched the wall earlier.
I thought I was calmer than this, but I am losing my cool.
I am picturing smashing his head. This OM destroyed my family as we are getting divorced now.

Its easy to blame OM, I mean they are going around with a married woman. Shows what kind of character they have. However, OM did not destroy your family or your marriage. Your W did.

Not only that, but OM are often married, so the same could be said in reverse: "Its easy to blame your cheating W, I mean they are going around with a married man." Weird that LBHs often refuse to see that.

gzabetas, please breathe. You need to be very careful. RARELY do we do things that are good for our sitches when we are emotional. Impulsiveness will almost always result in negative outcomes. Both for you and your MR. Many a LBH has resorted to doing things out of impulsiveness that caused them to have restraining orders, arrests, little to child custody, etc come their way. Don't be that guy.

We all want to take a baseball bat to OM. But as TF said, OM is NOT your problem. If it wasn't him it would have been another OM. I fixated on my W's OM and within 3 weeks of BD, she and him had parted ways. And now she was on the look out for OM2. Going on dating sites even. So unless you are willing to start smashing multiple heads, you can see how that plan is not conducive to what you need and should be doing.

We always warn LBSs that come here, convinced that there is no OP, no EA or PA, that likely there is. I'd say the percentage of walkaway spouse situations where there is an OP involved is very high....approaching 100%.

So just take some time and calm down. Remember to try to think logically about your next move, not emotionally.

[IHCLACS]

Gzabetas At the very least. Save the evidence for D court. Dude I'm sorry I know it pulls at the pit of your stomach like you feel helpless, at the same time, creating a fire and rage through your entire body arms and fists, practically giving you a flipping aneurysm.
But you wont serve any purpose as a man of your family for your children or kids if you are in jail, if you lose custody, if you have a restraining order placed on you. If you have to go f!#$ something up till your knuckles bruise, (please don't fracture or break anything.) to keep you from hurting someone or exploding, then do it healthy. Hit the bag at the gym or something for release.

These people are low (OM and W) One is weakness, and one prays on weakness. Be better and stronger than that. For you, for your kids, for your self worth. I'm sorry you're going through this even though I know that's not what you want to hear right now.

[gzabetas]

Thanks both for your concern. I needed to hear that. My emotions are running amok.

I took my bicycle and rode around for hours just to calm down. I had so much energy.
I went to the basement and lifted weights. I am probably going to get fit as a result of my rage.

What makes the rage worst in my case is that we are in a small town, where people know each other.

I am now beginning to understand why people that I knew stopped talking to me, looking down when they saw me. Out of embarrassment. For me.

And this fight that I am talking about. Its not easy. These OM my W met are at the gym.They have muscles.
I am an IT guy who has gone soft. Its a battle of the underdog in my case,
I was thinking of shaving my head in mohawk like DeNiro in Taxi Driver to have some intimidating factor when I walk in there.

Mostly fantasies of course. I need an outlet for this anger.

[IHCLACS]

I was an IT guy. Im tall skinny and out of shape, but still look good and feel quick. Just don't have as much power as I did when I was 18. But also am a construction worker now, and was 20 years ago. I've had those kinds of fantasies all my life. Vindictive ones where they can't identify me. I've done some vindictive stuff in the past, and it doesn't really help. Trust me karma is a BI$!#... What goes around comes around. Be the better man.

I have a temper that that has gotten a little mellowed with age, in some ways, and in others, it has not. I was the kid that was always picked on in grade school, despite a few being lower than me.. (Because they knew they could get to my emotions.) Got into a reasonable amount of fights. (Boys will be boys.)

Ironicly I'm working with a guy the last 2 years who I knew since Kindergarten who was an a-hole to me then. But is pretty cool now. We room together sometimes on projects. People change. I've gotten my a$$ kicked probably as many times as I've kicked theirs. I can fight ok. Nobody ever really wins a fight. I've been jumped a few times by multiple attackers. Not fun. Makes you question if you can protect your family psychologicaly, and physically, especially getting jumped before, that's why im a big supporter of 2nd anendment, and carrying firearms. But my state NJ [censored], and reg. Citizens can't carry here openly, but can own.

Both my BIL's do muay tai, and other MMA stuff, they're pretty good.

Since I don't fight too well...For 20 years I've wanted to get defensive like, since my fighting abilities are average, or just dirty if life threating. That so at least I know I have the power to use it if necessary like defensive aikido, or krav maga. But not use it in retaliation but pure defense. I've had some friends show me some basics, but if you don't use it, you lose it. This mindset of second guessing yourself undermines confidence. W has always known this, knowing all of me. So I hear ya. It plays hell on your confidence. I'm probably going to get into Krav in the near future, once some $$$ frees up.

Go take a MA class if you feel up to it? I'm sure it will strengthen your mind, body, and confidence, and release some of that rage.

[gzabetas]

Wow IHCLACS thats quite a life you have lived. From IT to construction.
IT did take a hit making me take odd jobs lately too. Photography being one of them.

I know those fantasies. I guess they are a healthy outlet for our emotions. But man that line is so thin.
Yesterday when her lawyer undermined me - in out first meeting with lawyers -- and said I need to look harder for work for alimony I got really mad.
I told him he better not embarass me like that. that it was the second time he did it. and to wipe that smirk off his face.

I think when you lose your family you have nothing else to lose. They dont know how ready we are to just go.

I have no more tolerance for it. Everyday has been a downward spiral into the deception of my wife.
Today I found the letters, yesterday her lawyer threatened me. Last week I found out I will only get 4 days a month with my kid.. It keeps on adding,

Its like you read my mind when you mentioned martial arts. Found a class earlier on kicboxing.
I need to release all these emotions.

[AnotherStander]

Just a quick reminder folks, this is Benmusic's thread! Please try and focus on him and his sitch with your comments here.

gzabetas, please update your sitch in your thread so that we can properly track your sitch from the beginning. Thanks!

[gzabetas]

yup, doing that now.