Still here. Still not detached... (Part 4)

[Chris73]

Old thread: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2831639&page=11


Just journaling here because I know you all can relate to my predicament better than anyone else in my life.

W finally managed to build up enough credit to qualify for a mortgage and purchased a house. She and the kids are moving out of their rental in May. The house isn't far from their current place so there's no issue with longer distances. The neighborhood isn't the greatest, but there isn't much she can do about that without my income.

The kids are excited to move, partly because it's new and exciting, and partly because their current place kinda [censored]. I'm glad they're getting an upgrade.

But I fall short of saying "congratulations" to her when she tells me about the house. I smile and say things like, "that's great" or "cool". But what I really want to say is, "You have a perfectly good house right here. What the eff is wrong with you."

I still haven't had a face to face with OM and I'm in no hurry to do so. I think my W avoids inviting him to events that she knows I'll be attending to spare my feelings. I suppose it's a bit patronizing, but at the same time I appreciate the effort. Or maybe its just because she knows how awkward it would be for all of us. I don't know. I'm really just mind reading anyway, and that never helps.

My greatest fear is that OM will move in after she buys the house. This has never come up in our discussions about her move, but I haven't directly asked her. We have a session with the therapist this week and I'm intending to bring it up.

No further discussion about finalizing the divorce either. I struggle with the idea of moving it along because I really don't want it and I don't want any of the credit for making it happen. At the same time it feels really fake to still have that legal contract between us and nothing else.

My daughter regularly asks me why we "can't go back to being married again." I never know how to answer this. Most of the time I use my W's bullsh1t excuse of "we're better off as friends." I'd really love to tell her that her mother doesn't want to be married to me anymore, but I'm trying to be a good parent. She's only 7 and picking sides won't do her any good. I'm sure both my kids will figure it out eventually.

My GAL activities have slowed as of late, but it's partly due to the weather. Now that spring is here I'm back to my normal running routine. But I don't really socialize much. I exhibit some symptoms of depression but it comes and goes. The beginning of the week is usually hardest for me. Sometimes the daily grind seems pointless but my kids keep me going.

The one thing I just don't understand is how people can jump into a new relationship within a year after a long term marriage ends. I'm casually dating a woman with a good job and kids the same age as mine. From a practical standpoint teaming up with her is a no brainer. But it doesn't feel genuine. And this leads me to wonder if it will ever feel genuine while I'm still attached to the memory of my marriage. Maybe forcing myself into a new relationship is what kick-starts the process of finally detaching. Doesn't seem right though.

Hard to believe it will be 3 years since BD in May...

[AnotherStander]

The one thing I just don't understand is how people can jump into a new relationship within a year after a long term marriage ends.

I agree, although I'm sure the timeline isn't the same for everyone. I started dating about a year after BD and later realized I wasn't anywhere close to ready. I think we have this feeling of wanting to get in another R as a way to make all the pain and headaches of dealing with our broken M go away, but what really happens is all of that is still there, PLUS the challenges of a new R. It's far better to resolve all the old issues before starting a new R.

I'm casually dating a woman with a good job and kids the same age as mine. From a practical standpoint teaming up with her is a no brainer. But it doesn't feel genuine. And this leads me to wonder if it will ever feel genuine while I'm still attached to the memory of my marriage.

Yes I can relate to that feeling. It didn't feel right. I bounced in and out of a few relationships before finally settling into one with my current GF. It just took a while to feel comfortable with someone again.

Maybe forcing myself into a new relationship is what kick-starts the process of finally detaching. Doesn't seem right though.

That was definitely not the case for me. It just led to a lot of confusing feelings about whether I was doing the right thing.

[Chris73]

Thanks Stander! Good to know I'm not the only one. I know that everyone is different, but it's hard not to be critical about my ex who basically created a brand new life within a year. The fact that I'm still not over it after almost 3 years makes me feel like I'm weak or mentally inferior. It also makes me feel like I'm never going to get over it.

[Chris73]

Wow. 3 years since the bomb drop! I remember it was a Friday and my kids had field day at school. They were 7 and 4. Now they're 10 and 7, and I'm starting to have a hard time remembering what it was like when we were a foursome instead of a trio. I wonder how much they remember?

I've haven't really brought up the divorce subject with my ex since December, but it's clear to me now that she's trying to delay moving forward for as long as she can. If you haven't read my previous posts, my ex is self employed and was going through some health issues back then. So I agreed to delay filing so that she could stay on my health insurance while she was in the middle of appointments and procedures.

6 months later the health issues seem to be contained and my ex is in the middle of moving in to a new house that requires major indoor renovations. So I think the "I can't afford health insurance" excuse has run its course.

Meanwhile, I'm having difficulty starting up new dating relationships since most women are leery of a guy who is still only separated ...especially after this much time has passed. My explanation holds water with most people but it always feels like I'm trying to be deceptive even though I'm not.

The idea of filing without consulting with her has crossed my mind, but frankly I'm a little worried about how she might react to being surprised with divorce papers. So far we've worked through all the separation of assets and custody together without any issues, and I'd just assume that we do the same to finalize the divorce. But I'm not really sure what I'm afraid of... probably just the idea of spending boat loads of cash to litigate over something.

Anyway, "still not detached" is probably better described as "almost detached" at this point. It seems to happen on its own. I guess you just have to persevere until the emotional dust settles.

[slater]

Hi Chris, good to hear from you. My BD was April 2016 so I'm always interested to hear about your sitch.

Two questions for you: has your ex-wife ever hinted or said that she regrets her decision or that she might want to try again? And if not, would you if she asked and what would that have to look like before you agreed? Are you still attracted to her now that you're almost detached?

[AnotherStander]

Hey Chris, glad to hear you're doing well!

The idea of filing without consulting with her has crossed my mind, but frankly I'm a little worried about how she might react to being surprised with divorce papers.

Have you thought about approaching her first and stating that you are ready to proceed with D and ask if she is OK with mediation? My XW had papers drawn up early on but never filed. A couple of years after BD I was finally the one to push it through. We used the papers she had drawn up and technically she filed, but it was at my request.

[Chris73]

Hi Slater and AnotherStander. Thanks for your responses.

...has your ex-wife ever hinted or said that she regrets her decision or that she might want to try again?

Not even once.

...if not, would you if she asked and what would that have to look like before you agreed?

My answer to that has changed as time has passed. If you had asked me that a year ago I would have said: "Maybe, with a lot of work to restore trust." But a year later, the only reason why I would still entertain the idea of a reconciliation is for the sake of kids having a more stable environment... but that's really not a good reason.

...are you still attracted to her now that you're almost detached?

I'm really not. For a while after she left I used to fantasize about being with her physically, but that doesn't happen anymore. The feelings of pain and loss have been almost completely replaced by a generic feeling of emptiness - neither positive or negative...just void.

The good news for me is that in addition to the space she's put between us and the continued presence of OM, she's starting to lose her looks a little. I realize how superficial that statement is, but I guess if the ultimate goal is detachment, any little bit helps right?

Have you thought about approaching her first and stating that you are ready to proceed with D and ask if she is OK with mediation? My XW had papers drawn up early on but never filed. A couple of years after BD I was finally the one to push it through. We used the papers she had drawn up and technically she filed, but it was at my request.

Actually, this sounds exactly like my situation. So far we have worked together on all the aspects of ending the marriage. Nothing legal has been drafted, but we did write up a separation agreement that needed to be signed and notarized in order for me to refinance my mortgage and remove her from the house. So when I broached the subject back in December, my preference was that we would work together to handle the filing. But we haven't discussed it since. Earlier this week I asked her about it again and she said she would need to wait until she was settled in her new house... she's moving this weekend. So I'm going to give it a little more time.

[AnotherStander]

Earlier this week I asked her about it again and she said she would need to wait until she was settled in her new house... she's moving this weekend. So I'm going to give it a little more time.

Yeah that sounds like a very good idea, very reasonable of you. She's got a lot going on so you should give her time to settle in first.

[slater]

Hey Chris, did you finalize your divorce with XW?

[Chris73]

Advice needed...

Last night, after a long (fun) day at the pool with my kids, I drove them to their mom's house to drop them off for the night... each kid had a friend with them so four kids total in the car. She knew we were coming and we agreed that it would be sometime after 8pm.

So it's 8:30 and we're about 5 miles from her house when I get a txt from her: "I'm home now so you can come over any time, just let me know when you're on your way". I didn't respond because I don't txt and drive and since we were so close to her house, I didn't think it mattered.

We pull up at the house and OM's car is in the driveway. My son says, "(OM's name) is here"... not in a "ut oh" sort of way, just matter-of-factly.

I put on my game face. This will be the first time we've been in each other's company.

I walk in the house, the kids scatter, the (new) dog goes crazy. OM is sitting on the couch. Ex says, "Chris, this is (OM)." I say something like, "Hey, how you doing?" he says the same. Our eyes don't meet. He doesn't get off the couch. I don't approach him.

I continue filling EX in on the details of the weekend... who showered when, what they packed, plans for the week, etc.

Soon after, I turn to leave. My kids kiss/hug me goodbye. I say goodbye to the 2 friends. Then I blurt out "(OM) nice meeting you." He says something similar and I leave.

It was hard, but time is the great equalizer. If this had happened 2 years ago, I would have been a total mess.

Anyway, about an hour after I got home, I get a txt from me EX (verbatim):

"...I didn't mean to surprise you with (OM) here. That's why I asked you to let me know when you were on your way, he was going to leave for a bit so not to make things uncomfortable for you."

I struggled for almost an hour trying to decide how to respond to this.

Here are the things that bother me about this text:

1. It seems like she's putting the blame of the uncomfortable situation on me because I didn't let her know I was on my way

2. I think the whole idea of OM "leaving for a bit" is so patronizing. Does she really think that I'm the only one who would be uncomfortable with an impromptu meeting? I feel like I'm being cast as the emotionally unstable wuss that everyone else has to tiptoe around.

3. Why txt me at all with this? Sure it was uncomfortable... and not just for me. But it happened. The ice is broken. Let's move on with our lives.

In the end I didn't respond at all. I couldn't think of any appropriate reply. Although sometimes no reply at all speaks volumes.

What do you all think?