Those are some bold assumptions, some of which contradict what I've communicated on this forum. I appreciate your assertiveness, though I disagree with cancelling at this point - I don't think that is attractive or strong; besides, my sock drawer is on point lol.
Good luck!
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
Steve 85 and JB. I have a Easter egg hunt at W's friends which we go to every year. Still on IHS. Its my weekend to watch S1. Still haven't given an answer if I'm going. I'm torn, like over the W's bday at MIL last week which I went to, and got a gracious hug for thoughtfulness of small gifts, and R talk which she initiated, which consisted of her talking about how we can be amicable about all family events in future. Shared a lot of feelings about current reality. I just shut up, and validated, and she kept right on talking. She started romanticizing, and planning about me being there for beach trips w baby, family occasions, etc, since this is her mindset from some of her family members divorces.
I think I'm at a point now where I can be present at family occasions now, and not dwell on sich, past, and future. But im torn over these things also, because I also don't want to allow cake eating, but have notice more positive responses from W being more present, more involved. and the more interest I take in social affairs, and S1 affairs lately. We started going for walks lately all together.
Difficult to gauge these things because of mindset between the WAW and WW are similar but different. One is walking away because of disappointment and resentment and lack of attraction. The other is just in a seething full rebellion mode and knows they are wrong but won't realize until they come out of the fog.
So confusing. Still feels like I'm in the friend zone as far as attraction, even though I'm getting more positive responses as of lately by getting more involved, and being more present. Or am I just reading things and being fed bread crumbs?
So Steve... I understand that by"not playing family" during a separation you are essentially calling their bluff to R in the future which is the way I interpreted it.
What do the vets think about these types of family situations?
Another angle I didn't think of. She may very well be using this "talk" to cake-eat with the family dinner. Interesting perspective. Backed-up by the fact that she is inviting me to do other things together.
R2C,
That quote is spot-on. I like the way that Coach laid it out and it's certainly a powerful stance to take. Do you believe that I should go into this discussion with that list ready to go? What issues do you see with my approach of deferring creating that list until after the unlikely event that she does want to R? Am I misinterpreting the timing of that list?
Ovr,
Thanks!
So I have a few general questions - she has recently been trying to engage in conversations outside of kids, finances, etc. She asks me how I'm doing, tells me about x or y thing she bought. I do not respond to these texts. I don't feel compelled to respond to these and frankly they seem off. Is ignoring these idle fishing attempts the correct response? Is there a more appropriate action to take?
And some advice requested; she wants to take S3 to an overnight thing for his b-day and invited me to stay the night with them. My initial reaction is to say no to the overnight, but yes to spending time with him for his celebration. Any issues with that as a response?
What do the vets think about these types of family situations?
Before XW moved out we still did stuff together with the kids. After she moved out, we no longer went to anything together but we still both went. For example, when she lived there, if there was a football game (one D was in the marching band, other on the drill team and S played football) then we would drive there, sit together, watch them, visit with them after, then drive home together. After XW left then we would drive separately but still sit together. My attitude about it was if our kids were looking up into the stands for us (which they ALWAYS did) then I wanted them to see two parents united in support of them, not one parent on the left side of the stands and the other on the right. Now if XW was bringing an OM along then that would be different, I wouldn't sit with them. But she never did. We continued to have birthday parties for the kids together as well, but not for each other. We still do to this day in fact.
Not everyone has this same attitude and there's not really any particular DB'ing "rules" about it, so I'm not suggesting everyone do this. It worked for me though. 7 years post BD I have no regrets about it.
Wow, so similar. I'm 99% sure that is the talk my W wants to have - being amicable and doing things together. I don't think that line of thinking is a step toward reconciling. I'm torn about holidays and birthdays, which is why I'm asking the vets. I've already decided that this dinner is a one-off thing for me.
So I have a few general questions - she has recently been trying to engage in conversations outside of kids, finances, etc. She asks me how I'm doing, tells me about x or y thing she bought. I do not respond to these texts. I don't feel compelled to respond to these and frankly they seem off. Is ignoring these idle fishing attempts the correct response? Is there a more appropriate action to take?
Sometimes reply right away, sometimes reply an hour or two later, and sometimes (if it's nothing important) don't reply at all. The impression you want to leave her with is that you are not being cold and indifferent, you're just a very busy person and don't particularly feel obligated to engage in idle chit-chat unless it suits you.
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And some advice requested; she wants to take S3 to an overnight thing for his b-day and invited me to stay the night with them. My initial reaction is to say no to the overnight, but yes to spending time with him for his celebration. Any issues with that as a response?
Well that's up to you. Spend the night if you want, avoid it if you don't want to. As long as you don't have any expectations and do it to support your S then there's no harm in it.
