I started to type in a detailed post but then copy/pasted it in to my diary. This surprisingly is the less detailed version.
It's B's last day of vacation and I expect her to stop by tomorrow some time. Like J9 I've been confused at the lack of depth of feeling I have for B and having typed that realize that I'm contrasting that to the depth I had first in the giddiness of limerence and love-bombing that my ex did and then what built and grew over the years. I just did the math and no longer can I say that we were married for more than half my life. That changed shortly after she left.
My feelings for B though are honest. I like being around her even when that is through a video phone call which we did last night for part of my drive home and again this morning while she was lying on the beach. I was a bit surprised and pleased when she gave me an ILU while her sister was in the room. She's done that a couple of times. Not in a flaunting way but just as a matter of fact. B's sister is a bit over 10 years older and recently lost her husband. This trip I think was for her to heal and B as the "single sister" was the obvious choice to go along. I think that it's been a good trip for them both. She did say that she wants to stop by here on Saturday which will be nice if we can schedule it around my chores and errands. I mentioned not specifically about this weekend, that I hope that she can stay over again sometime soon. I actually expect that to accelerate a bit and need to be sure that I'm ok with everything before it hits any sort of tipping point.
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I checked and I don't think I've mentioned this. The science fairs were held in the city that OM lives in. I drove past his house a couple of times - in a creepy stalker fashion I'm sure. I'd only seen it on Google Street View before. I am perhaps biased but from the outside it looks like a cold and unwelcoming place. Certainly not to my ex's taste. Her ideal home is an idealized version of her childhood home. My house is fairly close although she always wanted to add on the big wrap-around porch on a big house. OM has a fairly nondescript house in a nondescript neighbourhood. The neighbours are quite close which would bother her as she "really" likes her privacy - and - if nothing else - it feels like it has no soul. There were no vehicles around when I drove by. I honestly don't know if my ex has moved in there or not. Literally none of my business.
It's not - directly - related to B being in my life but I think that I've progressed in my disconnection / healing from my ex. I think that the news that she's dumped my family and embraced OM's is a big part of that. I honestly can't see her looking back at me and the life she had - at least with any eye to wanting it back. I believe that she was away last weekend. S24 did say that he was dog-sitting and that he just filled up the cat's dishes and since he didn't mention a name that is the only plausible explanation. That was also co-incidental with her disconnecting my family on social media and my sending a support payment identified as #18 of 77. There could be much speculation as to why. Pressure from OM to dump her old life, anger at me, anger at the existence of B, anger at the life she has, joy and moving forward happily. SIL1 strongly doubts the last. I honestly don't know.
I went back to check and yesterday was the 3rd anniversary of me discovering her affair and today is the 1 year anniversary of my divorce being final. How the world has changed.
I think I'm getting to the point where I don't even feel pity for her. Probably in large part because I honestly don't know anything about her life. I'm no longer looking for karma to visit her. My anger is that towards someone who did me wrong and who I will never be able to trust but who I will undoubtedly never have to trust. There will undoubtedly be some interaction in the future when S24 - eventually - gets married but that will be one afternoon in an unknown future.
I'm grateful that in no way does B fill the spot that my ex occupied. SIL1 during her rant is presuming that "My guess is it got back to her that b stayed overnight. In the house that once was hers. In the bedroom that once was hers. In the bed that once was hers. With the man that once was hers." If she is interested in knowing, I can't imagine her not knowing about B. Being as she was very possessive which I interpreted as protective, I could see it bothering her but it certainly doesn't bother me. Thinking back, the hardest part of bomb-day and the time after was the fact that my then W never openly acknowledged her feeling or what she was doing and was horrified if anyone would find out. While the news of B hasn't spread far and wide, it certainly is no secret.
Well - I suppose it's time to annoy Amy who is "very" cuddly this morning. I may have a nap with the girls later. They always like hanging out on Grandpa's bed even while they argue about who gets to be where.
I also need to do some planning to make sure that my Easter dinner timing is set to have everything more or less ready at once.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
A - Did I read that correctly you are already getting I love you's??????
Some time ago yes. B is a very "all in" kind of lady. I think for Ginger and M that it was about 2 1/2 - 3 months in but she's an "all in" gal as well. Your Dr is probably much more reserved. And also keep in mind too that B and I have had quite a bit of time to just talk as well as at least 2 dates / week.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
I used to be all -in. I’ve become wiser and much more cautious. I am all in when I de die I am all -in. Not from the beginning. I need to get to know a person, look for compatibility, etc. I’ve made mistakes in the past, and I work not to make them again. We didn’t say “I love you” until 5 months in. And I do not take those words lightly at all. Love is action, not just a feeling for me.
Andrew, how far in did she say it?
J- you do have to feel it in your heart. And for me, saying that word is to continue to keep on loving.
I am getting there G not yet though. My feelings are growing however I just thought it was a little early for B to be saying it to A. I thought you and M said it around 6 months.
Just for the record, I’m not judging, A. You guys have a relationship and a speed that works for you. I’ve just learned a lot about being all-in from the get-go. It hasn’t served me well, personally. So I decided to learn from what wasn’t working well for me.
J- everyone says it/feels it at different rates. 3 months in isn’t much. I began to feel it at that point, but I had to give some time to verify love vs. infatuation
Do you tell her the same? If not, how does she react to it?
It took me another week or so and even then I honestly felt that I was stretching things. I knew that I would get there but it was important to me to say ILU prior to our weekend away. To me sex is a "huge" commitment - part of love - and I also wanted her to know that I cared for her regardless of that. She was OK when I originally told her that I needed time and was very happy but not surprised when I eventually told her the same. And yes Ginger it was before the end of 2 months. J9 - you and your Dr have taken a different path and will find your own ways. My own opinion is that once those Words are spoken, they can't be easily taken back.
Originally Posted by Ginger1
For a little bit of clarification....
I used to be all -in. I’ve become wiser and much more cautious. I am all in when I de die I am all -in. Not from the beginning. I need to get to know a person, look for compatibility, etc. I’ve made mistakes in the past, and I work not to make them again. We didn’t say “I love you” until 5 months in. And I do not take those words lightly at all. Love is action, not just a feeling for me.
Andrew, how far in did she say it?
J- you do have to feel it in your heart. And for me, saying that word is to continue to keep on loving.
Do you love her, J?
I agree fully Ginger. Those words even if they are "just" words are a commitment. Not as big as a "will you marry me" but certainly the "we're exclusive and I see a future with you and no need to look elsewhere"
Originally Posted by TBSakaJ9
I am getting there G not yet though. My feelings are growing however I just thought it was a little early for B to be saying it to A. I thought you and M said it around 6 months.
There are not rules. As the great philosopher, Captain Hector Barbossa once opined - "The code is more what you’d call 'guidelines' than actual rules."
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
I think people define love differently. Some people are more reserved or more cynical or less trusting of their feelings. Others feel deeper or are more optimistic, or more trusting. They think less and feel more. Then you have some that love bomb and use those types of sentiments on vulnerable people.
Obviously we are only reading posts, but B certainly does not sound like a Love bomber.
