Boy meets girl. Gets married. Babies. Aliens, explosions and exposition. Intermission. Man meets woman. They have coffee. They bump uglies.
No storage arrangements have as yet to be made.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
I agree w/kml. Do not move B in just yet. The newness hasn't worn off yet and you both still need time to get to know each other. She needs to take care of her financial obligations and get her feet back on the ground before even thinking of moving her in. When is her divorce final? She's not had the time that you have had to get over a marriage gone south.
I know you really like B, but don't rush the process!! You are a fixer and you need to step back a bit and play the wait and see game to see how things work out for her when her divorce is final.
Just my two cents!
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Just my 2 cents here, but I wouldn't consider moving B in until her D is final. Yeah, I understand what everyone else is saying about finances and I think you have that one under control as far as how you think/want to handle things there. I don't say to wait until her D is final because I think she'll go back to her X. I just think it is bad form to invite someone else's spouse to live with you, even if they are DONE. But, then again, maybe I'm sensitive to this particular subject since it is what happened to me. My XH's new skank wife invited him to live with her before we were D and while I didn't want him back, I just thought it was super disrespectful towards me. Don't do that. You aren't that guy.
Me 52, H53 Bomb drop 9/29/2014 Divorce from XH final 12/17/2014 Marriage #2 12/31/2019 5 adult (step)daughters (3 from XH's first marriage, 2 from current H's previous relationships) 6 grandkids
On her way home she's going to stop by her Mom's place to pick up some things for her trip and she's also going to stop to check on a prior boy-friend who had been going to get some stents put in but mentioned to her that he'd just had another heart attack. She said that he didn't seem keen on seeing her and she suspects that he's found someone new. I think they parted ways well over a year ago but have kept in touch. And yes - it bothers me on one level that she still cares about this person to the point where she goes to see him. On another level - learning trust is important for me too.
Are you telling us she had a boyfriend well over a year ago? While she was married? How long ago did that relationship start? I'm sure she was headed toward divorce way back then, but her story is beginning to sound a lot like the standard script.
I'm sorry for bringing that up, but it's been badgering me since I read it yesterday.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Are you telling us she had a boyfriend well over a year ago? While she was married? How long ago did that relationship start? I'm sure she was headed toward divorce way back then, but her story is beginning to sound a lot like the standard script.
I'm sorry for bringing that up, but it's been badgering me since I read it yesterday.
Nope - very valid points. And I do really appreciate the calls both here and elsewhere to watch my step and be careful.
I have checked B's stories and cross-verified her timelines as much as I can. Trust is always a huge issue and difficult to find. And I am only at this point getting her side of the story.
There was one affair that her STBX had a few years ago and they sort of reconciled. That lasted for a couple of years, they went on a cruise but the spark was out of the marriage and then he had a second affair. She flew from the Northern Ontario community she was at and confronted him in his hotel with the OW in Sarnia. Then IHS started - she moved in to the spare room and started living independently. That lasted for a few months and she started dating and he kept seeing OW but long distance. One of B's "huge" issues is "that woman" isn't to step foot in "her house". Yeah - as if he's going to listen to her now.
She got involved with a guy from the area local to me that she grew up in while in IHS. A fellow Italian - presumably mutual friends - and they did a long-distance thing and he quickly pressured her to move out and in with him. She moved in with friends just before her 55th birthday in Sept 2017 refusing to move in with this guy straight out of the marital home. She's also mentioned a ONS around then and she dated this other guy for a few months at least. She / they decided they weren't compatible and parted ways and stayed friends probably in early 2018. I suspect that her kids weren't real happy with this guy as she mentioned that she was told to not invite "anyone she's dating" to the two kid weddings that happened during this time nor was she allowed to invite "anyone she's dating" in to the apartment she later shared with her oldest son. I've actually never seen it which is - yes - a red flag. But I believe it to be a place also that she really doesn't want me to see as it is rather sub-standard housing. All her son could get. A little more explanation in the next paragraph.
B moved in with her mother "to look after her" in the winter of 2017/2018. In the summer of 2018 she (for complicated reasons) moved to the town just north of me and in with her son and his 2 kids. I've not really mentioned much but her son has had some past legal difficulties and only got custody of his kids if his mother (B) moved in with them for a year.
We first met in the summer of 2018 briefly and she was certainly available and looking then as she says that she made a big fuss with her co-workers about this "nice guy from [insert name of village]". Around then her friends pushed her to do OLD/POF and she had some unpleasant encounters. Most didn't get past the first date and few were local.
She found me in early Feb 2019 on POF, recognized me and blasted me with messages. I was a bit put off TBH because she seemed a bit desperate.
Side story - the Italian guy had a recent heart attack and B was going to visit him yesterday but he "wasn't up to it". She thinks he's dating someone else and was bummed out that the "stay friends" thing isn't much of an option. Personally, I'm rather happy about that but keeping my mouth shut.
So - I'm about to start meeting friends and family. They are all on team B and rallied around her. An Italian friend of mine told me recently that what one Italian woman knows, they all know. She's never given me any reason to not believe her. Her story is consistent and holds together and she is at times uncomfortably open about talking about how she ended up in my arms.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
I realize she's filling a void in your life, but what bothers me is that you seem h3ll bent on digging a hole for yourself that's going to be difficult to climb out of. If you keep going at this pace you're going to make the Guinness Book of World Records. Why not slow down? Are you afraid of losing her?
This started out with a few little red flags (and a big one - she's married), but the trend has been to add another red flag every few days. That's not a good trend. She's got enough going on in her life to cause you a world of headaches.
I realize she's filling a void in your life, but what bothers me is that you seem h3ll bent on digging a hole for yourself that's going to be difficult to climb out of. If you keep going at this pace you're going to make the Guinness Book of World Records. Why not slow down? Are you afraid of losing her?
This started out with a few little red flags (and a big one - she's married), but the trend has been to add another red flag every few days. That's not a good trend. She's got enough going on in her life to cause you a world of headaches.
doodler - I appreciate the concern. She's not filling a void but has been adding to the good life that I already have. I have no "empty spots" to fill. Like you, I've done rather well alone. Better than most in fact I like to think. I chose to look for someone to add to the richness and colour of the life I already have. And that's why any potential partner has to "fit".
I think too that the rambling thoughts that I share here and the things that I joke about are often interpreted as "decided on plans". This is my safe place to explore my feelings and thoughts and to make contingency plans about how to deal with the expected and unexpected. It's gotten me in to a lot of trouble here over the years when people argue with me about things that I'm not doing but have just explored as concepts. I do assure you - and those others who are also worried for me - that I am taking the advice and warnings here to heart and treading as carefully as I can. I know that they come from a place of caring and concern.
I also know that I am both too close to see what others see, but also better informed than those watching from outside and have a broader view. It's a difficult balance.
I will never find the "perfect match". Heck, in many ways CL was a great match, especially on paper. Young, beautiful, well educated, financially very secure, certainly interested in the early months. Most of my relatives were very keen on her. FSL - some here thought she was a great match as did her own mother I believe.
B checks off a very large number of boxes on the positives side. She's kind, sweet, caring and patient. She's self-supporting and independent but also very comfortable being part of a couple. She's respectful of boundaries. I could search another thousand years and undoubtedly find any number of women who would be "better". But why waste my time searching for perfection? I'm not Diogenes.
We all come with baggage, myself included. I think it was a thread on this forum - perhaps even here - where someone recently said that the important thing about baggage is how well the person who owns it carries it. B has certainly taken full ownership of everything that she has going on and I have been well pleased with that. The actual amount of red flags that I'm seeing has been steadily decreasing. Like any of us, there is a lot that I don't share even if I do tend to share a lot more than most.
I certainly also have a number of red flags. Middle-aged with high blood pressure, partially blocked arteries and sleep apnea. A tendency towards unconventional neckwear. I work long hours and often get distracted. I will let some things slide like painting the porch while I place a high priority on a clean kitchen counter and well made bed. I have surprisingly little money in the bank or saved for retirement. I tip the scales on the "hey there big fella" range. While I can swear in French, I have little other fluency. I have cats. And I could go on and on.
Originally Posted by Patrick O'Brian
Not all of us become the man we hoped we might be - but we are all God’s creatures.
But thank you my friend for your concern and advice.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
Hey, A! Please take what I say with a grain of salt as I still have anesthesia in my system. I’ll keep it short.
When doodler speaks in all seriousness without a single joke interjected, that is something to REALLY listen too.
I’m a concerned friend too. I know you are flying high on the love endorphins. But your pace in lightening speed for someone who does indeed have red flags that might be to your detriment. I’m not saying don’t enjoy her and the boxes she does check. But the flags concern me for the life you have built for yourself. I think she may add to your well established life, but I have a feeling you are filling a void in her. She seems to have very little bit of on her own time looking for someone to fill HER void. This guy she dated has moved on and doesnt want to be a part of her life and she wants to remain a part of his life? That’s a big one right there. She wants to hold onto that rope. Why?
There is so much more to play out here that you should look at in the present rather than preparing for possibilities that should be coming way in the future .
And the things you call red flags about yourself aren’t red flags. They are just a part of who you are. Her red flags are still being married, having a rope attached to an ex she began to date shortly after in house separation, serious financial issues, seems like some serious kid issues, and more serious health issues ( which I would never break up woth someone for h less they weren’t taking the initiative to care for them, which she seems to)
And I can see you still got your fixing tendencies. Your gesture on her bad day was very loving. But don’t fix for her. Support. And no, you don’t need to send flowers to her resort. I think it’s a great time for you two to have your separate vacations without popping in like that.
I’m not saying this isn’t going to work. But I am saying it probably won’t if you plow through this at lightening speed.
Date her. It’s been 7 weeks. Just date. You have indeed built a great life for yourself. So be a supportive partner, but be so careful her baggage doesn’t become yours I. A matter of minutes . She still has building of her own life to do like you ddI.
I certainly also have a number of red flags. Middle-aged with high blood pressure, partially blocked arteries and sleep apnea. A tendency towards unconventional neckwear. I work long hours and often get distracted. I will let some things slide like painting the porch while I place a high priority on a clean kitchen counter and well made bed. I have surprisingly little money in the bank or saved for retirement. I tip the scales on the "hey there big fella" range. While I can swear in French, I have little other fluency. I have cats. And I could go on and on.
Ginger beat me to it, but Andrew, THESE ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ ARE NOT RED FLAGS! Heck 25% of the population in your (our) age range have high B/P, some arteriosclerosis, and other typical such medical issues. Sleep apnea is both over and under-diagnosed but no matter, it's not a "red flag" Fashion sense is not a red flag. Letting some things around the house "slide" is not a red flag - hording is but not letting projects slide is not. You can't fluently speak a second language? Oh the horror! How on earth is this a "red flag." Many struggle with the one and only language they do speak!
So, at least based on these things that you list, you really don't have many if any red flags - other than perhaps not being financially set for retirement. There again, the "average" person has more debt than they have equity and zero plans for retirement so if you are even in the high 5-figure range you are still ahead of many and something tells me you are way past that. Do you see how these lack of red flags could be very attractive to many?
Now, multiple marriages, dating while married, going quickly from one R to the next (while still married) living situations, finances, children and family issues... THESE are true red flags. Don't under-sell yourself. I think you may be doing that - in fact I'm sure of it if you have to look for red flags because the real ones are not readily apparent.
Sadly, we are all who we are. You seem to be repeating the same course you took with your ex W - and as you say yourself, that lasted 30 years. I'm under no delusion that you'll be able to change course. Most of us can't. Many don't want to. But let's take the specifics out of it. If any of us or someone you knew came to you saying they are "in love" with someone they have only dated for a month, were thinking of moving in together after a couple of months - even six - and oh, BTW, that person is still married, had not really dated anyone else, and seemed to be over-looking true red-flags... what would you tell them? If this were your son or your daughter, what would you think? I think that's why I and the others are saying this is at freight train speed and may not end well if it continues at this speed. You just simply cannot know much about a person in the first 2 months. You only know a little bit more after 6 months. It's really after years that the true person comes to light.
Originally Posted by Ginger1
When doodler speaks in all seriousness without a single joke interjected, that is something to REALLY listen too.
That might be the most profound statement of them all!!!!!!
DonH Midwest Me 56 WAW-EXW 55 Met 11/95 / Married 5/00 Bomb 6/20/05 / She Filed on 6/2/06 / Divorced on 10/9/06 4 who'd qualify as GF since D & dated about 25 women since D
