My Story Part 3

[Manta]

Part 1

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2825419&page=1

Part 2

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2825433&page=1

Thanks guy's, now on to Act 3. Manta moves forward.

[Manta]

Journaling 07/04/2019

Been a good week for me. I found out from a good friend yesterday that WW has moved back to her country, as she posted an official FB update last week.

No goodbyes etc after nearly 5 years living in Ireland. I thought as much, she had moved home to Germany back in February, but its still a confirmation.

Since last summer's DDay, WW barely has made contact with me. Not once has she contacted anyone in my family, to even say thank you for all the things they did for her. No class or respect.

She showed zero appreciation for anything or anyone that went out of their way to help her, once she moved to Ireland back in 2014.

I have a lot of clarity now on the type of person she is.

She started an affair with a guy who also cheated on his EX GF of 18 years last summer, got caught, decided to pursue AP. Wanted a Divorce within a few weeks of Dday, stopped communicating with me for month's , moved to live with AP in February. I don't know is this a feature of German culture, but she was ruthless and cold on how she's dealt with me. Zero empathy or remorse.

I still haven't received any legal documentation from her.

I know my value and I'm not afraid of what's to come, but i can't figure out the pointlessness of the whole episode.

I feel she's got away with murder here, soft landings after DDay, now moved to ready made home in Germany with her AP. Seems like everything just went her way with no justice.

The pieces on the chessboard were just replaced.

[gzabetas]

Hi Manta, I apologize for not having read your entire sitch and am only commenting on your last post.

Because it is something I deeply identify with.

As my WW also burned bridges with everyone she also was unappreciative to my family.
She was also staying in my home and my family would always help as hers was in the north.

They would give her 9 things and when she didnt get the 10th she would call them horrible names.

When she dropped the divorce bomb on me, my sister told her that I am the best guy she knows and that she wants to see us together. She called her a whore and kicked her out of the house. And when my brother in law came downstairts to tell her that it wasnt nice her and that he doesnt allow that behaviour to his wife (my sister) she took us all to the police to file a report.
I actually heard the cops tell me that I need to protect my home. bla bla
How could I explain my wife was in the wrong. Throwing tantrums.

Later on our common psychologist shed some light on her issues when he told me she had emotional immaturity.

If you google the term, its not as wide a term as we use it every day. Immaturity is not being able to empathize with another humans plight. And not being able to commuicate. They are like 2 year olds feeling they are the center of the universe. They never developed unfortunately.

[gzabetas]

Just skimmed over some of your posts.
Yup mine cheated too. I found her diary and there are horrid graphic details of her affair. Think the most embarassing position for a woman having sex and then go even lower. I cant describe it here.

She doesnt know that I know. She kisses my son with that mouth that I know where its been.
My mind races.

And yup now she wants the house and alimony.

[Manta]

Sorry to hear about your situation gzabetas. Sounds like your W, is unstable and it's best to keep detached and GAL right now. That's what i have done and i have come through the fire.

My WW is very Emotionally Immature. Even before the A, she would say "I like animals more than humans" or weird stuff like that. It's like they can't empathize with other people's pain or suffering. They're very egocentric people, who believe the world revolves around them. They have their own little world and like to control it very tightly.

I believe there is a lot of baggage from her past, unresolved issues. Her only brother is in his very late 20's, is still a virgin, never has kissed a girl and lives at home with his parents in his childhood bedroom still. He loves gaming and is an introvert. He is a wonderful guy, who I really like and did my best to be like a "brother" to him. He is smart, intelligent and handsome. I know that he could meet any woman, but is so shy and insecure, he can't make that move. He isn't gay, which doesn't even matter, just shy. The parents are kind and loving, but perhaps too soft.
WW's parents basically spoilt them both growing up. Very protective of them. While WW went wild, WW's Brother didn't. WW would always say she wanted a marriage like her parents.

I love WW's family very much, but perhaps these issues stem back to how they were brought up.

Being emotionally immature at 33 years of age is quite common these days. People refuse to grow up and take responsibility for themselves and how their actions affect others.

I still don't think my WW "gets it"... She has no idea of the pain and suffering she has caused so many people, my family, her little nephews and niece's and friends. I had to deal with the little ones saying "Aunty WW is with her mother at the moment"... They asked for months and months, which was very emotional for me. WW cut my family out of her life like a bad habit.

She basically cheated, got caught in the act and had no leg to stand on, perhaps she never intended to, but in order to deal with what she did cognitive dissonance kicked in last August. Typical of someone in Limerence. I'm sure i have and am vilified and portrayed as a bad Husband etc. The number of lies she told her AP last summer, was astonishing also. She sold him a story of how we were both living in different bedrooms, not having sex anymore and she was going to divorce me. Perhaps this was done to open the door per se, in making him comfortable in being with a married woman.

However up until Dday, she never communicated to me she wasn't happy, we were certainly having sex and sleeping in the same room. She told all her and my family how much she loved me and how wonderful a husband i was... All the way up to Dday.

I was completely dehumanized by my WW. No empathy or genuine remorse for what she did. After i kicked her out, which i really had no choice, she moved in with her work colleague. Stayed there for a few months until moving back to her country to live with the AP. There was little to no communication for almost 6 months. Imagine getting a WhatsApp message on a Sunday morning last September saying "i want a divorce"......

I know in my heart and soul this won't work out for her and AP. There has been no self-reflection or work done on herself or him. They both have rushed into a relationship born out of cheating and lies.

She will do the same things to him as she did to me. Probably worse!

I imagine one day, this guy who is also a cheater will probably get tired of her actions and emotional outbursts. All the pressure is on my WW to make this R work now with her AP. If he leaves her or cheats on her, she knows that she has no way back anymore. She's going on 33 tomorrow, it's not a good story to tell others on "how we met". They won't exactly be welcomed with open arms, wherever they go.

Where she is living, AP's EXGF is also living. I know that she has told lots of mutual friends of what my WW and her EXBF did. So even WW moving to his town, it's not going to be pretty. That stench will follow them for the rest of their lives.

WW has not once said to me, can we work on this, can you give me 1 chance. Nothing. No marriage counseling, or any effort to help me heal. She abandoned me and everything we had built through the years, for a guy she met only 2-3 times. That's scary. I know in my heart i could never do to her, what she did to me.

I have been on my own healing since last summer and have come a long way.

[gzabetas]

omg manta sounds like we have similar wives.

yup emotional immaturity's biggest hurdle for us is their inability to empathize, and being egocentric as you said.

they dont see the other side's POV.

You are also correct that it is usually created in some early childhood trauma, when their neurological system and character was developing. Feeling abandoned by one of the 2 parents or overprotection, not being punished or being held accountable.
Why we picked them up in the first place says something about us as well. We are the fixers. I am an engineer in real life so it kinda makes sense that I would love a "project". But these are sanity threatening issues to us.
There is so much one can put up with when dealing with an emotionally stunted individual.

Usually we end up catching their anger and traits ratther than them getting any "cure" from us.

Similar to your case, my best friend is her father these days who calls me daily to see how I am holding up the fort.
He knows his dauther has gone WW as she has stopped talking to him too. Accusations at him too.
The whole world is at fault lately for her suffering. She has no part in this from her POV.

Had to look up the term limerence. Wow that is what mine has. She has a whole diary devoted to this other man.
She even lit some candles around the house with needles in them (some voodoo instructions she googled i am sure) .
When I told my psychologist, he said it was classical traits of an immature person.

The lies. OMG. She has a PhD in lies it seems. They are in cloud cuckoo so to say.

However up until Dday, she never communicated to me she wasn't happy, we were certainly having sex and sleeping in the same room. She told all her and my family how much she loved me and how wonderful a husband i was... All the way up to Dday.

Come on Manta. now its as if you are really speaking of my own wife exactly.!!

The psychologist told me he had told her to communicate these things to me. She never did.
In her mind though she made many many efforts. (in reality there were weeks of giving me the shoulder, shrugs, cursing at me, and crying alone - I thought PMS related)
That was the extend of all her communication to me.

I also am at that point of feeling dehumanized. I cry daily. Trying to detach. A bit more each day.
We also have a kid so its a bit trickier for us.

And yes rest assured their fantasy world will burn and they will be left worse than when we met them.
I actually already feel sorry for them if you can believe it. Cause I know deep down they want to try but they cant function or cope with emotions. Know that they have moments of clarity where they see the truth. Even for a glimpse.

Yeah I never got a chance either. I actually asked her to create a list. Aced all of those issues and then after 4 months of my efforts she said, "oh i could add a million more issues, no reason to work on anything".

Seems you have a had a bit more time than me. Its only been since xmas for me. So I am still trying to cope.

Final note, as I write this, I am back from the police station where she has yet filed another report on me.
She was cursing me earlier and I told her to stop or I will get angry and not be held responsible. For my actions.
She said that was a threat. It was enough for the police. I almost got arrested. Thank God the police officer took a liking to me and told me to just get the divorce with her and let her move on for my sanity.

[Manta]

She sounds crazy mate. Best read about boundaries and SMART contact. Don't get drawn into their world. They will look for excuses to make you the bad guy.

I have sent WW no angry messages, voicemails etc. I had to accept thing's and did a 180. For me.

Thats what's important. DB is for you first. Make yourself the best person you can be. Nobody deserves to be cheated on and this wasn't our fault. Take responsabilty for your own failures, work on them. But don't think that them cheating on us is due to us not being good enough.

They're wonderful men and women out there, with morals and solid coping skills. Unfortuantley some don't. They can't learn this over night.

[gzabetas]

I'm afraid you are right on the craziness. Knew about boundaries, will have to look up SMART contact.

And its true that the more contact I have with her the more drawn into her mad mad world i get.

We are finalizing our divorce so its headed to that output. Its strange how that is the "healthy" option as things turned out.


Lately DB is more of saving ourselves rather than saving a marriage which is in the throws of pure madness.

[Manta]

I'm afraid you are right on the craziness. Knew about boundaries, will have to look up SMART contact.

And its true that the more contact I have with her the more drawn into her mad mad world i get.

We are finalizing our divorce so its headed to that output. Its strange how that is the "healthy" option as things turned out.


Lately DB is more of saving ourselves rather than saving a marriage which is in the throws of pure madness.

It really is. Sandi's rules and also her story and advice to newcomers about WW's is very helpful.

Begging, pleading, reasoning doesn't work with a WW. You really need to let them go and get on with your life.

I asked my WW back in August and Sept last year for marriage counseling and R, she declined and said she was happy, etc, was in love and when I asked her why/what was missing in our marriage that made you do this, she said "I have been asking that question to myself so many times, as I know so many girls that would love a guy like you. I think you're just traditional, you know. You wanted kids and a house, that's not me!!!" She couldn't even look me in the eye saying it, as she was staring into space. That's the last time i saw her in person.

We were in the process of buying a beautiful home, also we had been trying for children. She had 2 miscarriages, 1 in Dec 2017, then one in Feb 2018. I honestly put no pressure on her when it came to Children. With or Without Children, I told her it didn't matter, as I loved her. I just wanted us to be happy.

She is still in the throes of her affair and has moved full forward with the divorce and wants to erase me asap from her life. It's very humiliating and hurtful, as it's no different than a hit and run.

You will get there mate, keep your dignity and just be the best you can be right now. I know about the crying and loneliness, the long drives to work, constant thinking over and over in your mind of what happened, trying to process the pain, the why's and also dealing with the fallout.

Sometimes i say to myself if she ever did want me back, where the %^&* would she start? She has burnt all the bridges between us, so easily and cruel. She surrounded herself with a few cheerleaders and enablers who she barely knew, only1 year in a new job, who were all cheating or breaking up with their boyfriends. These became her new friends, as she is very easily influenced.

You cant fix stupid.

[gzabetas]

You cant fix stupid, very well put!

Even though it is not advised to have R talks with the wife, since mine is in the final stages of divorce I just had a long one with her..
It is so crazy to even try to have one. They are beyond communicating.

I told her since she played the police card today cause "she felt threatened", i will have to go another route.
She was cursing me in front of the kid (now she told me she doesnt remember) and when I stepped up she called the cops.

At the station I was told I can never win with a woman. The greek law is always with them.

So having secretly found and read her diaries with the sordid details of her sex at the gym basement I told her I am signing up at her gym tomorrow. This freaked her out. I will be in proximity to the trainer lover there.

Since I cant argue with a woman, I will argue with her boyfriend. That will embarrass her. No law against 2 men talking.

Not that it will save the R. This is now about my dignity.

Mine has also surrounded herself with a bunch of losers and enablers. In my case they were critical in my wife crossing to the other side.

But they dont know how they got to the other side. They just know what it looks like from where they are standing now.
And from their new POV we are in the shitty light of her "horrbile traumatic" past. Where she suffered.
And we are monsters.

There really is one script, we keep repeating it. But they dont break out of it.

And some of the vets here have given them some reason that from their POV it really was bad.
Yeah but consider the source.

[Manta]

Well today is WWs Birthday. Part of me would like to send her a message, however considering everything she has done so far and the manner in which she left me for her AP, also moved countries to be with him, i dont see amy value in it.

12 months ago we celebrated her b'day together with all her family in Ireland. It was a wonderful day and i would have never predicted what was to come a few months later.

I'm a bit overwhelmed at the moment with her leaving Ireland without as much as a goodbye.

But that is the nature of a WW. I don't reward bad behaviours

[gzabetas]

that must be hard to deal with. birthdays. anniversaries.
I still havent crossed any first, but I am sure it will make me think of her.

Good call on not texting her. It would be weak I think.

We are the left behind, the discarded. If anyday they change their mind, they would need to make any first move.

Currently she is in the honeymoon phase with her AP, as is mine. That fantasy world will run its course and burn, as 2 immature individuals are running away from their selves really. But yourself catches up with you.

[neffer]

Time heals the wounds M. You keep on with GAL and detaching. You have been working on yourself, keep doing that. Can´t fix what you can´t control man. It´s hard to face reality without much closure but you need to do it. For your own sake.

You know you can stand there and look into your future with determination and hope. You wait for no one. Stand strong today Manta. You have the strength. Live the reality. Keep the GAL. Better times coming, you know that.

[AnotherStander]

Well today is WWs Birthday. Part of me would like to send her a message, however considering everything she has done so far and the manner in which she left me for her AP, also moved countries to be with him, i dont see amy value in it.

Yeah given how she departed without saying a word and just generally has been the Ice Princess to you, I would stick with zero contact.

But that is the nature of a WW. I don't reward bad behaviours

I can certainly understand your bitterness. But try and let it all go and focus on a newer, better Manta. I know it seems like everything worked out perfectly for her but WAS's are almost all dealing with internal demons and leaving their spouse rarely fixes that. She's probably struggling, but will never show it to anyone else. All you can do is leave her to her mess and move on to a better life for yourself.

[Manta]

Thanks everyone. I needed to hear that today. Appreciate all of you who have helped me since last year. I don't know where i would have been, without support, counselling and all of your advice.

I have come a long way, its been a rollercoaster.

But i will be ok. She hasn't broke me. She can't.

[Vapo]

Cut your losses. Either way you must do so. It was at about 6 mo. mark I started feeling better, the down phases started getting shorter and less severe and more time would have passed between them. Luckily you have no children, so there will be no dispute with regards to them.

She cheated on you before you got married, she cheated on you while you were (are) married, it does appear to me that you had a serial cheater on you hands.

And no, your love will not "save" her, as she does not need saving. She has more likely than not dedicated her life to the pursuit of happiness that she is so desperately wants to find. Alas, the search is evading her, and for the life of her she cannot realize why.

Even if she did return to you, there would be huge obstacles to overcome and in my view these obstacles are insurmountable. Find yourself a nice girl that will treat you right and using the knowledge you've accrued you can make a very different relationship that will fill you with joy for years to come.

[Manta]

Cut your losses. Either way you must do so. It was at about 6 mo. mark I started feeling better, the down phases started getting shorter and less severe and more time would have passed between them. Luckily you have no children, so there will be no dispute with regards to them.

She cheated on you before you got married, she cheated on you while you were (are) married, it does appear to me that you had a serial cheater on you hands.

And no, your love will not "save" her, as she does not need saving. She has more likely than not dedicated her life to the pursuit of happiness that she is so desperately wants to find. Alas, the search is evading her, and for the life of her she cannot realize why.

Even if she did return to you, there would be huge obstacles to overcome and in my view these obstacles are insurmountable. Find yourself a nice girl that will treat you right and using the knowledge you've accrued you can make a very different relationship that will fill you with joy for years to come.

Solid advice Vapo. Can't dispute with what you said.

[gzabetas]

AS very well put on the inner demons.
I just talked to my wife's dad letting him know, that basically I getting cut out of her life. I have had police reports on me and I suspect she will escalate on any next move. He has also been cut out.
WHen she crashes neither of us will be around to save her and my son I am afraid.

And no, your love will not "save" her, as she does not need saving. She has more likely than not dedicated her life to the pursuit of happiness that she is so desperately wants to find. Alas, the search is evading her, and for the life of her she cannot realize why.

Vapo you are so spot on. That is the look I see in W eyes. This desperation for happiness that must be out there.

But its not. Happiness is an inner journey mostly.

[Manta]

Ironically she said that to me to me last september, when i last met her in person.

"Im really happy now, not angry anymore." "You always said Manta happiness comes from within"..."I can do what i want now, not feel guilty... like play games on my phone all day, without feeling bad"...

I said was i controlling you, or did you feel i stopped you from doing the things you loved?

"Eh, no. You weren't ".......


The mind boggles , but thats cognitive dissonance.

She threw me and APs EXGF under the bus in the pursuit of her "Happiness". Wait until the dopamine wears off.

Her AP will have to deal with a truckload of drama and craziness. He has no idea what is in store, now shes moved over.
Funny is that APs EXGF lives in the same town, she is still scorned about what happened.

[Vapo]

Funny is that APs EXGF lives in the same town, she is still scorned about what happened.

M8, so are you. You are still trying to make sense of it all. Newsflash, there is no sense to be made in this whole mess. And you trying to make sense of it is just a HUGE waste of time, that would be MUCH more wisely spent on improving yourself, and upgrading yourself to Manta 2.0. You are not even aware the potential you can unlock if you choose to work on yourself. Amazing stuff can happen, awesome people will be attracted into your life. But that is not going to happen, if you keep moping about.

Recognize the fact that she is on a journey of her own, and you have your journey to take. Delete her from your life, remove the photos, remove her stuff that reminds you of her, remove her music, her clothes, her gifts. Lock them away where you will not be bombarded daily with memories of her.

One more thing you should know. It is very likely you are looking at her with rose colored glasses. That means you are way over romanticizing the relationship. Your mood will swing and swing violently. First you will be thinking how you still love her and that you would do anything to get her back, desperatly trying to find that illusive silver bullet that will fix it all, and the next moment you will wbe screaming That Fcuking B*tch! from the top of your voice.

This also is normal.

Stay strong buddy and get your a$$ in gear.

[IHCLACS]

Funny is that APs EXGF lives in the same town, she is still scorned about what happened.

M8, so are you. You are still trying to make sense of it all. Newsflash, there is no sense to be made in this whole mess. And you trying to make sense of it is just a HUGE waste of time, that would be MUCH more wisely spent on improving yourself, and upgrading yourself to Manta 2.0. You are not even aware the potential you can unlock if you choose to work on yourself. Amazing stuff can happen, awesome people will be attracted into your life. But that is not going to happen, if you keep moping about.

Recognize the fact that she is on a journey of her own, and you have your journey to take. Delete her from your life, remove the photos, remove her stuff that reminds you of her, remove her music, her clothes, her gifts. Lock them away where you will not be bombarded daily with memories of her.

One more thing you should know. It is very likely you are looking at her with rose colored glasses. That means you are way over romanticizing the relationship. Your mood will swing and swing violently. First you will be thinking how you still love her and that you would do anything to get her back, desperatly trying to find that illusive silver bullet that will fix it all, and the next moment you will wbe screaming That Fcuking B*tch! from the top of your voice.

This also is normal.

Stay strong buddy and get your a$$ in gear.

Very very true. All very true. I've been this way in IHS for 6 months, and im ready to start gathering paperwork for D. I scream in the car on the way home, and then the next hour, I'm trying to find ways to make it work again. I just want a commitment, or I want out at this point. I have some trust issues because she wants to sell the house, and that trust issue with me cannot be rebuilt. I will never live with her again despite being a good person. So I might as well pull the trigger on D.

[AnotherStander]

."I can do what i want now, not feel guilty... like play games on my phone all day, without feeling bad"...

WOW! I mean did that really sink in Manta? Now that she's gotten rid of the boat anchor that is you, she can pursue more lofty, worthwhile, meaningful goals. Such as playing games on her phone all day. Well I'm glad she was able to cut you out of her life so she can finally reach her full potential!

I said was i controlling you, or did you feel i stopped you from doing the things you loved?

As you know I'm normally big on validating statements, but I think this is one of those times that validation isn't appropriate. I think the world's biggest eye roll would have been a better response. Seriously.

Her AP will have to deal with a truckload of drama and craziness. He has no idea what is in store, now shes moved over.

Maybe. But maybe not. But PROBABLY. Anyway who cares. Let's here about how awesome Manta is.

[IHCLACS]

Manta your're STBXW and my STBXW should join the candy crush club. And boy do I have a YouTube video for you regarding such. Guy was a total a-hole to his W and handled it wrong and was verbally abusive regarding her game playing, and leaving the house a dump, but did she deserve it.

[Manta]

Journaling 22/04/2019

So it's been 9 1/2 weeks since my WW contacted me last. I still haven't received any legal letters from her. Last time she messaged me, it was looking for my solicitor's address and contact details, also where to send that information.
Absolutely nothing since. All I know is she has left Ireland a few months ago to return to Germany, most likely living with her AP now.

Its mind boggling to think this A is going on since last June, Dday was last August, yet she still hasn't sent me any legal letters, considering she wanted a Divorce since late Sept. She ran away from all the problems she caused and doesn't want to face up to what she did. Maybe it's an avoidance of what she did and it's easier to be around AP, who will feed her ego.

I believe my wife is either really good at compartmentalizing everything, or else she has some serious issues and emotional immaturity. Is she vacillating and still can't make her mind up about pulling that trigger? I have no idea. I did make it clear to her in my last message if it's anything legal, to contact my solicitor anything else she can email me. She hasn't

My birthday will be coming up in a few weeks, I feel it's nearing now there 1 year anniversary.

What a year.

We are still legally married, yet we haven't spoken or seen each other in person since last September.

I have come so far in the last few months and been going out with my friends a lot more. They're very caring and understanding and all have said I'm looking my best in years, also they said it's great to see old Manta is back. That meant a lot to me.

I'm also getting female attention which is nice, alas my heart isn't ready yet for a new relationship yet, but it's good to know that I'm seen as an attractive man again and someone other women desire. My situation isn't as complicated as others here, but it's a very telling story of someone being cruelly cheated on, then afterward dealing with an Ice cold unremorseful WW who ran away from all the problems she caused.

I have a lot going on for me in my life, but this has left a very deep scar, that is still numb and raw. You feel very emasculated as a husband and dehumanized to a point where you feel was I worth anything at all to you, that you treated me this coldly/


I'm doing good guys and I will take action when the time comes. Right now I'm busy living and learning to love myself again. Happiness starts within.

[AnotherStander]

Even though I'm sure it hurts to have her go no-contact on you like that, it's actually the best thing for you AND for her I think. I just keep thinking of my buddy who's W left him and moved in with OM and went no contact on him for 2 years. It took her that long to realize what she left behind. They are back together and happier than ever now. Life is crazy!

[Manta]

Even though I'm sure it hurts to have her go no-contact on you like that, it's actually the best thing for you AND for her I think. I just keep thinking of my buddy who's W left him and moved in with OM and went no contact on him for 2 years. It took her that long to realize what she left behind. They are back together and happier than ever now. Life is crazy!

Was she in an affair that whole time? How did she rengage and explain herself? How did he take her back?

[neffer]

Well, it’s cool to see the old Manta GALing. Keep that going man. Live into reality, face the future.

Keep walking M!

[AnotherStander]

Even though I'm sure it hurts to have her go no-contact on you like that, it's actually the best thing for you AND for her I think. I just keep thinking of my buddy who's W left him and moved in with OM and went no contact on him for 2 years. It took her that long to realize what she left behind. They are back together and happier than ever now. Life is crazy!

Was she in an affair that whole time? How did she rengage and explain herself? How did he take her back?

She and my buddy had a home and a business together. She was kind of a typical WAS, she just decided she was done and wanted out. They sold the house and business and she immediately moved in with OM. This was before my sitch, so I knew nothing of DB'ing but my friend kind of came about it naturally. He just let her go and didn't look back. He went on to do his own thing. Partnered in another business. He never really dated, he's in his 60's and just didn't feel the need for it. Eventually she started texting him out of the blue asking how he was doing. They started texting more frequently and eventually started meeting to have coffee, then caught a movie here and there and basically started dating all over again. That went on for many months. They never had gotten divorced, eventually they moved back in together and just basically started a new R together.

I have another friend that did something very similar, but he and his W did get divorced and their time apart was way longer, like 10 or 12 years. Both had other relationships but then they reconnected and eventually remarried.

[Manta]

I know every situation is different. It's nice sometimes reading of happy endings, but in my case, I don't see it anymore with my WW.

I have given up on my WW returning or wanting to fix things between us. I wanted that, she didn't. Knowing we didn't even go to one MC session hurts even more, as she gave up on our marriage so quickly and easily

She has treated me like I never existed while she moves on in her life with AP.

The happy ending will be me moving on, being stronger and living an honest and fulfilling life on my own.

I don't think I will ever get married again. Maybe I might have a partner or something down the line, but right now i just want to heal and be happy with myself. I'm a good man and i know my value, so do others. I don't even hate WW, which is funny. I do still love her, however i did let her go and told her i wasn't going to beg or force her to stay if this is what she wanted. Maybe she never expected to get caught, but once she did, it was one way for her.

[Manta]

Journaling 05/05/19

Today is Manta's birthday. I'm 36 years old

What a crazy year it's been. This time last year WW and i shared a beautiful holiday together in Portugal. One year later WW cheated, left me for her AP and wants a Divorce.

I have been very busy GAL, detached still and moving on with lots of little projects. I have even gone on a date!!!

I'm getting a lot of attention from women at the moment since I lost all the weight and have been working out. My friends all say I seem so much happier and are very happy for me.

It's almost 3 months since WW contacted me last about the D. Still nothing filed and i haven't received any legal letters. 7 months she told me she wanted a D.

She recently has deleted her FB account, as she updated a few weeks ago (a friend told me) that she had moved to Germany. All of a sudden her FB is gone and have heard nothing since.

I'm spending my time with friends and family, busy at projects and work. I do still think of her, but I'm happier being away from all that pain and drama.

Manta is doing good.

[neffer]

Great for Manta then.

You are there man, keep your journey of detachment and GAL.

Happy birthday man!

[Manta]

Great for Manta then.

You are there man, keep your journey of detachment and GAL.

Happy birthday man!

Thanks Neffer

[Davide]

Happy belated birthday Manta!

No contact can be great for detachment, and it sounds like you are getting there.

I don't think I will ever get married again. Maybe I might have a partner or something down the line, but right now i just want to heal and be happy with myself. I'm a good man and i know my value, so do others.

You are absolutely spot-on about healing yourself. Find that inner joy and strength inside of you. Your happiness is completely under your own control.

That said, I wouldn't make any broad pronouncements about your future. No one knows what the future has in store for us, and it is best to be open to all the possibilities.

Good to hear from you again.

[Manta]

Happy belated birthday Manta!

No contact can be great for detachment, and it sounds like you are getting there.

I don't think I will ever get married again. Maybe I might have a partner or something down the line, but right now i just want to heal and be happy with myself. I'm a good man and i know my value, so do others.

You are absolutely spot-on about healing yourself. Find that inner joy and strength inside of you. Your happiness is completely under your own control.

That said, I wouldn't make any broad pronouncements about your future. No one knows what the future has in store for us, and it is best to be open to all the possibilities.

Good to hear from you again.

Thanks Davide.

Do you find it strange though that it's 7 months now since she first said she wanted a Divorce, yet nothing has been done? Even today, it's 3 months since the last Contact where she asked about my solicitor's details and mentioned she was sending me stuff, yet hasn't done anything. Now recently deactivated her FB account, wrote a goodbye message and said she was moving back to Germany.

It's soon coming up to 1 year where WW and AP started this A.

[Davide]

Manta,

I don't think it is strange at all. My EW BD'd me a year ago and never lifted a finger to move towards divorce. I did all of it myself, and she even told me that she wasn't "ready" for it, despite leaving me 9 months earlier and taking up with OM 7 months earlier. They are in a fog and just go wherever their emotions lead them that day.

That said, the sooner you stop worrying about where her head is the better will be for you. You can't understand it, and you definitely can't control it. Letting go of all that is quite freeing. You have a great future out there waiting for you.

[Manta]

Journaling 25/05/2019:


10 Months since DDay.

8 months since my WW told me she wanted a divorce.

1 year since her and AP I believe started their EA, which evolved into a PA in mid-june 2018.

8.5 months since I last saw her.

3.5 months she last contacted me, regarding the divorce.

I still haven't been served papers.

She is living back in Germany again since probably last February. I believe she is living with her AP since.

She deactivated her FB account over 2 months ago.

We are still married, nothing legally signed, just separated.

I'm keeping busy and moving forward, but I do hate this limbo. I know that once the year mark comes since she moved out, i can legally make decisions.

The last few weeks since my birthday, I have been reflective and trying to understand this mess. I still feel dehumanized and emasculated.

Perhaps my WW regrets what she did, but has not once shown any remorse or signs of coming back.

Her life seems to be revolved about her work and AP. Nothing else.

I haven't heard from my in-laws at Christmas. I don't expect to either. It's awkward on them and I know that they really don't know what to say to me anymore, as they probably feel they don't want to hurt me..

I haven't been messaging them, writing bad things about my WW or anything. I never did that. There is just a depressing lack of communication or action from her side. Sometimes I dream I will receive a letter or email saying she wants to work things out, she regrets what she did and if I would give her another chance.

Doing all the right things, GAL, detached, working on myself and keeping busy. But i do feel mugged from what happened to me.

Just journaling and wanted to share my thoughts.

Hope you all are doing well and making progress too.

[Manta]

Small update, saw on linkedin today my WW started a new job in the city where she is living with her AP.

It's hard to see these things , as she's shutting all the doors to her previous life and further distancing herself from everyone.

[Davide]

Manta,

Your message is focused almost entirely on your W. You are trying to mind-read a woman who moved to another country months ago. Why are you looking at her status on linkedin? Cut that out. Block her, or unfriend her, or whatever it is you do there. It's not going to help your state of mind to get these little crumbs of information that mean nothing. You have to let her go. It may be an awful serious of decisions, enormous mistakes, but you have to let her make them. The relationship you had is over. Grieve it, but let it go. Perhaps one day you can construct a new relationship with her, but you can't keep hanging on to the dead one. It will poison you.

What are you doing for yourself? How are you GALing? How are you moving forward with your life? How are you improving yourself? You mention those things, but only in passing while devoting most of your attention to your W. What's the story there?

hugs,

[IHCLACS]

Watch Swingers. It will help ;-)

[Manta]

Manta,

Your message is focused almost entirely on your W. You are trying to mind-read a woman who moved to another country months ago. Why are you looking at her status on linkedin? Cut that out. Block her, or unfriend her, or whatever it is you do there. It's not going to help your state of mind to get these little crumbs of information that mean nothing. You have to let her go. It may be an awful serious of decisions, enormous mistakes, but you have to let her make them. The relationship you had is over. Grieve it, but let it go. Perhaps one day you can construct a new relationship with her, but you can't keep hanging on to the dead one. It will poison you.

What are you doing for yourself? How are you GALing? How are you moving forward with your life? How are you improving yourself? You mention those things, but only in passing while devoting most of your attention to your W. What's the story there?

hugs,

It's only a note of information davide. If you're following my story you understand how little i have got from my WW since last year. I'm working on myself by keeping myself fit, going hillwalking and doing little side projects like renovating an old car. I have completed lots of projects in work with my team. I have been doing lots of counselling, reading self helpbooks and treating myself to nice things. I have been on a few dates and putting my toe out there again.

I havent begged, pleaded etc. Just doing the very best i can. I'm a human too and make mistakes.

[neffer]

We all make mistakes M. Ease your mind on that. What Davide says is what needs to be said. We reflect wounds from our own sitches. Take a look at his sitch, or you can read Ballast´s story. Maybe you´ll find some reflection there.

Just keep your path moving forward. Don´t try to get logical answers for something that doesn´t have linear behaviors. My mind is scientific based so I usually went from there. Well, that´s not possible with mind related items.

Just give time the time you need. Free yourself from fantasy life. It´s not that easy. We all have been some time there, living in dream fueled limboland. Let her go Manta. Free yourself from that.

This forum is based on love M. We all share what we have learned from our voyages. We all make mistakes and we are trying to improve day by day.

Be the best man you can Manta. For yourself. Keep GAL, keep DB.

(((hugs)))

[Manta]

I appreciate your kind words Neffer. I'm struggling today and didn't sleep last night. I know you guys are all right and I'm doing the very best i can, considering my situation. It doesn't make sense what she did and what she's doing. I know that i nees to refocus my life back to myself again. I just feel so dehumanized and emasculated from everything. It's been over 8 months since i saw her last. Time has gone by so fast. I read so many stories here about reconciliation and ups and downs. Mine is just a very crap situation, with so little hope of anything turning around for our marriage.

I know my value and honour. I will be ok and i am 100 times better than last autumn, i just want to move on now with my life and forget about this whole cruel chapter in my life.

[neffer]

It gets better man.

Read Ballast´s sitch.

i just want to move on now

then, move on.
Do it.

(((M)))

[Davide]

Manta,

I know I came across as harsh, and i understand that what you share here is not your whole life, and might not even be representative of it. My characterization of your situation may have been unfair.

I just know that often times the best advice I got on her (especially from Benito!) was often the advice that stung the most to read. It made me question why it hurt so much, and generally it was because it touched an exposed nerve, something so sensitive that I tried to ignore it or just not deal with it.

Don't give WW the power to emasculate or dehumanize you. Your power and strength are inside of you, and she can't touch them. You just need to reconnect with them. The more time you spend pining for someone who has treated you so crappily, the less time you have to do that. That's why GAL is so important.

It will get better, I promise you that. Just keep moving forward.

[Manta]

Manta,

I know I came across as harsh, and i understand that what you share here is not your whole life, and might not even be representative of it. My characterization of your situation may have been unfair.

I just know that often times the best advice I got on her (especially from Benito!) was often the advice that stung the most to read. It made me question why it hurt so much, and generally it was because it touched an exposed nerve, something so sensitive that I tried to ignore it or just not deal with it.

Don't give WW the power to emasculate or dehumanize you. Your power and strength are inside of you, and she can't touch them. You just need to reconnect with them. The more time you spend pining for someone who has treated you so crappily, the less time you have to do that. That's why GAL is so important.

It will get better, I promise you that. Just keep moving forward.

Thanks Davide. I know what you mean. I had a good night's sleep and feel better today. I guess i felt it was another nail in our marriage as my WW goes the opposite direction. I know whatever happens next, nothing will hurt me as much as the past 10 months has.

[AnotherStander]

Manta, you're not quite a year past BD so even though it probably seems like forever that's not that long. It's normal to still be feeling a little lost and confused, you're still recovering and grieving. Give yourself more time, try and be patient with yourself. Yes your W is shutting doors on the R but that has to happen before she can figure out what she wants in life.

You mentioned twice feeling "dehumanized and emasculated". That's more about your state of mind than anything your W did to you. So try and work on that. Do GAL activities that expose you to other people so you can work on your self-esteem.

[Manta]

Manta, you're not quite a year past BD so even though it probably seems like forever that's not that long. It's normal to still be feeling a little lost and confused, you're still recovering and grieving. Give yourself more time, try and be patient with yourself. Yes your W is shutting doors on the R but that has to happen before she can figure out what she wants in life.

You mentioned twice feeling "dehumanized and emasculated". That's more about your state of mind than anything your W did to you. So try and work on that. Do GAL activities that expose you to other people so you can work on your self-esteem.

Thanks AnotherStander.

I guess its hard knowing shes moved back to her home country Germany , albeit to a city on the opposite side of her home to live with AP. Starting a new job etc.

Seems like the odds of her coming back to Ireland and looking to reconcile are slim to none.

Perhaps it's early days yet. Maybe her and the AP will fall apart in time.

I know working on myself and keeping detached is best.

Who knows what the next 6-12 months will bring.

But i must focus on me again.

[NicoleR]

Hi Manta,

I wish I'd have done a better job of responding recently. As you may know my husband left nearly two years ago for another woman and he still hasn't filed for divorce. I guess divorce is just an inconvenient set of paperwork that means nothing to some people, especially when their new partner doesn't pressure them to file for it. It's really hard to understand the thought process of just leaving your spouse for another person and then not even getting divorced to make it official. One would wonder if perhaps they're contemplating coming back if the new relationship doesn't work out, so staying married is like a little extra layer of security, or if they're just to busy and happy in their new life to even be bothered with divorce. Of course people like us, who don't file either, prolong the process and enable our spouses to live like this so we're at fault to some degree as well.

One response I have to how you're feeling is that how you feel is important and it matters. There are many times when we tell one another, with good intentions, that we shouldn't feel a certain way, or we should re-channel our thoughts, or we should do or think a certain way. This way of dismissing someone's feelings isn't meant to hurt us, but in a way it makes our journey more lonely and painful because we feel all this pain and we're told it's not ok to feel it. Perhaps the secret is to avoid allowing those feelings to let us sink deeper and deeper but to recognize their validity.

It is dehumanizing to be left by your spouse in this manner. I don't even know where to start with all the reasons why it's dehumanizing. The fact that you weren't worth anything to the person that you love, the fact that the marriage meant nothing, the fact that you were discarded for someone else who offers what you couldn't.... All the while your spouse and her new partner are off living their happy new life together while you're left alone to mourn and grieve. It is dehumanizing. To some degree you're the victim of a cruel person. On the other hand you're to blame for being too kind. And to some degree it's just bad luck. There's some degree of risk that we all face to anyone we marry but there's no certainty that anyone will stick around. If you married someone else she may have cheated but stuck around. In your case it seems to be just bad luck that she chose to leave.

I think it's also hard to change who we are and how we cope with things. I have a friend who's husband just barely cheated. I think he asked a woman at work if she'd like to have coffee. As a result my friend exposed him to everyone in his family and she went on a major shopping spree spending all his money on herself to punish him. She screamed and shouted at him and said she was divorcing him....basically acted crazy. They're still together and he felt ashamed for what he did and she punished him badly for it. I think people such as yourself, who are respectful and kind and take a healthy approach end up suffering more because you're not doing anything to seek justice for yourself (I'm that way too). Sometimes I go back-and-forth on which approach is better but ultimately if you're not a person who is wired to act crazy then even if you try to act that way it wouldn't be sincere.

I do hope you get closure sooner than later. Your situation is particularly unfortunate here on this forum.

[Manta]

Hi Manta,

I wish I'd have done a better job of responding recently. As you may know my husband left nearly two years ago for another woman and he still hasn't filed for divorce. I guess divorce is just an inconvenient set of paperwork that means nothing to some people, especially when their new partner doesn't pressure them to file for it. It's really hard to understand the thought process of just leaving your spouse for another person and then not even getting divorced to make it official. One would wonder if perhaps they're contemplating coming back if the new relationship doesn't work out, so staying married is like a little extra layer of security, or if they're just to busy and happy in their new life to even be bothered with divorce. Of course people like us, who don't file either, prolong the process and enable our spouses to live like this so we're at fault to some degree as well.

One response I have to how you're feeling is that how you feel is important and it matters. There are many times when we tell one another, with good intentions, that we shouldn't feel a certain way, or we should re-channel our thoughts, or we should do or think a certain way. This way of dismissing someone's feelings isn't meant to hurt us, but in a way it makes our journey more lonely and painful because we feel all this pain and we're told it's not ok to feel it. Perhaps the secret is to avoid allowing those feelings to let us sink deeper and deeper but to recognize their validity.

It is dehumanizing to be left by your spouse in this manner. I don't even know where to start with all the reasons why it's dehumanizing. The fact that you weren't worth anything to the person that you love, the fact that the marriage meant nothing, the fact that you were discarded for someone else who offers what you couldn't.... All the while your spouse and her new partner are off living their happy new life together while you're left alone to mourn and grieve. It is dehumanizing. To some degree you're the victim of a cruel person. On the other hand you're to blame for being too kind. And to some degree it's just bad luck. There's some degree of risk that we all face to anyone we marry but there's no certainty that anyone will stick around. If you married someone else she may have cheated but stuck around. In your case it seems to be just bad luck that she chose to leave.

I think it's also hard to change who we are and how we cope with things. I have a friend who's husband just barely cheated. I think he asked a woman at work if she'd like to have coffee. As a result my friend exposed him to everyone in his family and she went on a major shopping spree spending all his money on herself to punish him. She screamed and shouted at him and said she was divorcing him....basically acted crazy. They're still together and he felt ashamed for what he did and she punished him badly for it. I think people such as yourself, who are respectful and kind and take a healthy approach end up suffering more because you're not doing anything to seek justice for yourself (I'm that way too). Sometimes I go back-and-forth on which approach is better but ultimately if you're not a person who is wired to act crazy then even if you try to act that way it wouldn't be sincere.

I do hope you get closure sooner than later. Your situation is particularly unfortunate here on this forum.

Thank you, Nicole, I was hoping to hear from you for ages. I always look forward to seeing your replies and also how much effort and length you take in responding to my little updates.

I get what you say especially around dehumanizing and feelings. I can't bury everything every day and pretend it's not there. My situation is very crap, where I think I married someone with a personality disorder, or at least a lot of personal issues that have never been dealt with. Whatever it is, you and I and everyone here on these forum's didn't deserve this treatment.

I haven't heard from my WW in months. I'm not snooping on her social media, as she's off FB for the last 2 months. I was told this by a friend, who said he just wanted to let me know that she posted to everyone she was deactivating her FB and was moving to Germany, also if anyone wanted to message her, send a PM. This was a few days before her birthday. It's very cowardly how she's handled everything. Perhaps, she doesn't want to hurt me anymore or doesn't know how to deal with things. I don't know. I have been off FB since last December, for my own sanity.

I admit, I did put her name into the Linkedin search on Sunday, where I saw her name pop up and also the new job.

I didn't go into her profile, as that will show I viewed it. It was hard, as I know she's living and working there with her AP now. Things could change in the next few months, as it's summer perhaps she won't file at the moment. Maybe she's still not 100% that divorcing me is best until she spends more time living with her AP. I could spend all day guessing, but there is no point. One thing I do feel is that she would have filed sooner, but perhaps being back in Germany, where her family can see her more, they might be talking to her about current decisions etc.

I still have power in August, as it will be 12 months to file from Ireland if I decide to.

My marriage meant a lot to me. I really loved and cared about my WW. We had a very close relationship and it's hard to think 12 months ago, we were looking at buying our first home. Yes, we were mourning the two miscarriages, but really felt going into the summer things would turn around for her. Unfortunately, she decided to pursue something perhaps i couldn't give her. A release from the pain she was carrying with the miscarriages.

I read something that resonated with me today.

"I need to allow God’s consequences to happen and not try to impose my own on my wife. They can’t compare to those that God will put before her."

I know that I can't control this situation. Focusing on myself and leaving my WW to her own Journey. I'm trying so hard to be the best I can be. She can't see it, all the changes I made, but I can. It's powerful. Physically, emotionally, intellectually and spiritually. I'm doing this not for my WW, not for my marriage. When you truly do them for yourself then you can start to heal and break any codependency you might have.

Please keep in touch Nicole and all. I do appreciate you being on this journey with me. I will get there.

[Manta]

I decided today to unblock my WWs number, including whatsapp. Obviously she has a picture of herself and AP up as her profile. The reason i unblocked her was to reopen communication perhaps, but also show I'm not scared anymore. 6 months ago i couldn't see that picture, today I'm ok and can handle it.

I called my solictor, he said she hasn't been in contact or has he received anything. He advised to wait for a while longer, at the year mark he can reach out again.

I'm stronger guys. I feel that i have come a long way.

I have a very handsome picture of myself up, so she can see I'm happy and looking well.

I know this is important for me and if there is any chance of reconciliation, then hiding away isn't going to work.

Time for a new Manta.

[AnotherStander]

Sounds good Manta, except for this part:

I have a very handsome picture of myself up, so she can see I'm happy and looking well.

Fixed it for you Don't do things for her or to get a reaction from her.

[Manta]

Sounds good Manta, except for this part:

I have a very handsome picture of myself up, so she can see I'm happy and looking well.

Fixed it for you Don't do things for her or to get a reaction from her.

I agree with AnotherStander

Do you believe that when the obstacles of being away from each other, such as distance, etc are overcome, the excitement of the affair and back to normal life again, that the WW's and AP's begin to realize all the sacrifices they made to be with each other? Like was it really worth it?

[AnotherStander]

Do you believe that when the obstacles of being away from each other, such as distance, etc are overcome, the excitement of the affair and back to normal life again, that the WW's and AP's begin to realize all the sacrifices they made to be with each other? Like was it really worth it?

It definitely happens. There's a weird dynamic in affair relationships, often they feel like "it's us versus the world" and that creates a weird kind of bond between them. A lot of OP's engage in an affair in the first place because of the forbidden nature of it, the challenge of stealing a married person away from their partner. Take all of that stuff away and you're left with two people taking a good hard look at each other and asking themselves "is this person really that great after all, someone I want to spend my life with?" Sometimes they decide to give it a go, but a lot of the time they don't. I mean when it comes down to it you're talking about two people of questionable morals- one who is messing around on their spouse and another who is messing with a married person. It's kind of doomed to failure from the beginning.

[Manta]

Do you believe that when the obstacles of being away from each other, such as distance, etc are overcome, the excitement of the affair and back to normal life again, that the WW's and AP's begin to realize all the sacrifices they made to be with each other? Like was it really worth it?

It definitely happens. There's a weird dynamic in affair relationships, often they feel like "it's us versus the world" and that creates a weird kind of bond between them. A lot of OP's engage in an affair in the first place because of the forbidden nature of it, the challenge of stealing a married person away from their partner. Take all of that stuff away and you're left with two people taking a good hard look at each other and asking themselves "is this person really that great after all, someone I want to spend my life with?" Sometimes they decide to give it a go, but a lot of the time they don't. I mean when it comes down to it you're talking about two people of questionable morals- one who is messing around on their spouse and another who is messing with a married person. It's kind of doomed to failure from the beginning.

True AnotherStander. I agree with that.

I'm sure there will be more twist's and turns in this story.

Right now, I need to completely focus on myself and trust that by doing the right things, no matter if we R or not, that i will have a better life and be ok.

One day she will see what's she's lost.

[Manta]

Journaling 23/06/2019:

Hi all, it's almost a month since my last post, still, I have no update or heard anything from my WW.

It's over 4 months since she last contacted me, in relation to solicitor's details. I was expecting that time to get some form of legal documentation, however nothing.

She's living with her AP in Germany and started a new job a few months ago and is still with him afaik.

I'm beginning to accept more than likely she will wait until the 12 months separated is up, then file for divorce. So perhaps August/September I will be served with divorce papers.

I have accepted the situation now, while it still hurts and not a day goes by I don't think about what happened, I'm focused on being the best I can be.

I have finished restoring that old car. I have lost 22 pounds in the last year, reconnected with my old friends again and have succeeded in all my work projects. I have gone for a nice holiday to Spain on my own and have recently booked another holiday in July. Gone to a few concerts and had a lot of fun. I'm busy with hillwalking, kayaking and meeting new people. I'm 36 and know my life isn't over.

I'm still standing for my marriage in my own way, but I feel my WW is so determined to show everyone she made the right decision by leaving me, she won't turn back....yet... But natural circumstances will fall, if they haven't already.

I just want to say thanks to you all for helping me in the last 10 months.

It's affair season now, where dates are aligning up with last year, the first time they kissed, had sex and DDay. It's all on the way in the next few weeks. It does trigger me, as i remember all of these milestones.


For those who have recently found out their WH or WS is having an affair and has left them, let me give you some advice.

Things do get better. You will get through this and become stronger. It's not easy and it's like a rollercoaster of emotions. Keep busy with GAL/ 180's and detach. It's all you can do, your WS is lost right now and in a very selfish state.

You can't change their feelings or the decisions they're making, but you can take control of your story.

Be selfish for yourself and love yourself that little bit more. Enjoy those moments with family and friends.

Don't beg, plead or lower your integrity by trying to fight with your WS. Be strong of course and stand your ground and implement boundaries. This is very important to protect your emotional wellbeing and show your WS you won't be disrespected or walked over.

[NicoleR]

Hi Manta, it takes a long time to accept that someone is totally gone. There'll always be that chance, whether now or in 20 years, that the person will try to come back but it's impossible to know when. I think someday your wife will either have a big fight with her affair partner or they'll break up and that's when she'll remember you and possibly start to think twice about what she did. You've done the best you can possibly do but you'll never be the same again after the devastation you've suffered. I hope though as you start thinking more about your life and future you'll start to form a vision of the type of woman you'd like to meet someday. I bet she'll be quite different from your wife. Now that you've been on your own for nearly a year you also know how to be alone and to live without a partner, which isn't what you chose, but it seems you've done it successfully. I do hope your wife files at the 12 month mark if that's what she wants because that would bring at least closure despite it causing more suffering to you, but hopefully at least it's the final time she can hurt you and then you'll move on completely.

[Destroyd]

Thanks for the update Manta. It sounds like you are really starting to come through this. This gives us all some inspiration. Thank you.

[Manta]

Thanks all for your comments and support. I haven't any hope anymore, rather a dull acceptance. Its affair season now, where the next few weeks align up with pre dday last summer. My life completely changed forever last August.

I haven't pushed or drunk called her, wrote any begging messages or anything. It's been nearly 5 months since i last heard from her. 10 months since we last spoke in person, or seen her.

I keep thinking my wife's affair and behaviour since dday is very different to others. Once she was caught, she ran away from her mess and cut me out of her life asap and went dark.

Perhaps one day she'll reflect on her decision to cheat on me and maybe show remorse for her actions.
She carried a lot of emotional issues which i did my best to help her with.

But most likely, the same issues are still there. Her AP will find out soon enough too. There has been no self reflection or time to really work on herself. Just jumped straight into a new relationship.

The next few months should tell a lot.

[Manta]

Journaling 06/07/2019

So i found out today my WW is pregnant with her AP. It's a year this weekend since she slept with the AP for the first time. Only a few months since she quit her job, moved back home to Germany to live with her AP and is now pregnant.

Last Sept she told me that I was traditional, because I wanted a house and kids, yet now she's pregnant. I haven't seen her since last Sept or spoken to her in person.

This won't end well. Everything has happened so quickly. I haven't reacted or said anything.

I saw her profile on Whatsapp, where she had an emoticon of a pregnant woman and a heart next to it.

I'm shocked, hurt again but I know that she can't hurt me anymore now then what she already has.

It's time for me to cut the cord and move on with my life. She's a disgrace.

[neffer]

Hey M, transform that energy to set you free. It´s doesn´t matter whatever she is, it´s what you are now that counts.

Keep walking your road man.

Sending you a big hug

((((Manta)))

[Manta]

Hey M, transform that energy to set you free. It´s doesn´t matter whatever she is, it´s what you are now that counts.

Keep walking your road man.

Sending you a big hug

((((Manta)))

Thanks Neffer. I'm in shock tbh.

[NicoleR]

Hi Manta,

How are you doing??? Your update is just so awful to read. It makes no sense that your wife would cheat, leave you, not even file for divorce, and then have a baby with her affair partner while she's still married to you. I almost wonder if she totally forgets she's still married? It also doesn't make sense that she'd make all these major life changes and start a family so quickly all within a year. It seems something isn't right psychologically with her. That's not something that any sane person would do. You've stayed quiet and cooperated all this time but it's really a big shock and so unfair to you. I kind of hope you erase her from your memory completely and forget this part of your life ever happened. Wouldn't it be nice if it were that easy?

[Manta]

Hi Manta,

How are you doing??? Your update is just so awful to read. It makes no sense that your wife would cheat, leave you, not even file for divorce, and then have a baby with her affair partner while she's still married to you. I almost wonder if she totally forgets she's still married? It also doesn't make sense that she'd make all these major life changes and start a family so quickly all within a year. It seems something isn't right psychologically with her. That's not something that any sane person would do. You've stayed quiet and cooperated all this time but it's really a big shock and so unfair to you. I kind of hope you erase her from your memory completely and forget this part of your life ever happened. Wouldn't it be nice if it were that easy?

Hi Nicole. Thanks for your comments and support. I'm doing ok. On holiday at the moment in Spain. It's difficult being on my own surrounded by happy couples, but i am relaxing and catching up on sleep. I'm emotionally exhausted from thr last 12 months. Dday will be very soon. I expect she will file in the next two months. I haven't heard from her since February. She' acts like i don't exist. I still can't fathom how she got pregnant do quickly, when she only moved in with her AP last March. The amount of huge life decisions she's made in 12 months is frightening.
I can't go back to her ever now, even if she returns one day. Not after everything she's done and how she's behaved. I have made peace with it, but I'm extremely hurt on how i have been treated.
The one person in life i never thought who could hurt me so cruelly with no empathy or remorse.

It is what it is.

[NicoleR]

Manta,

That's nice you're on a holiday! I hope the relaxation part helps you to deal with whatever comes next. I hear you that you can't ever take her back again. Especially with a child with her affair partner - that wouldn't work. I hope your new life leads you to a new wonderful partner. You sound too great to be alone for long!

[AnotherStander]

Sorry Manta, that had got to be a huge blow even for someone that is detached. I would be surprised if that was planned, sounds like more GGW stuff really. Maybe this will help you detach once and for all. Keep moving forward!

[Manta]

So I finally got served with Divorce papers today. I did feel something was coming soon.

It's all in German, I asked her back in February if you are sending any legal documentation, to please include an English copy. She didn't. Now I'm trying to understand what is says. I will ask my lawyer to request this translation, as it goes both ways.

[Manta]

Hi all, so I have been translating some of the divorce papers, that I received in German from my wife's lawyer in Germany today. I'm Irish, wife is German and left Ireland in February to live with AP. I specifically asked her to make sure to send an English copy also, as my lawyer would ask for it. She didn't. One lie on it was she stated that our marriage ended in May 2018, this isn't true. She started the affair with the AP at the end of May last year. DDay was in August. I still believe that she did this so her AP didn't feel guilty. She told him a lot of lies that the EX GF of AP confirmed. "We were sleeping in separate beds. Not having sex anymore, I'm going to divorce Jack, I never wanted to get married, etc" However in June/July last year, we got mortgage approval and were looking at buying a home together. I have all the I love you messages, mortgage documentation, photos of us together from that period, etc. I just don't understand this obvious lie. From what I can understand, she wants to settle out of court, as we have no kids or joint assets and is looking to arrange a meeting... I really don't want to fly to Germany to see her pregnant, with AP smiling. My lawyer will demand an English translation of these official documents, as it's only fair. I would do the same if sending any legal documentation to her.

[MrBrside]

Manta,

You are probably right about the dates.. My WW did the exact same thing on our settlement agreement ( we weren’t married)..

The document stated 8th December 2018 as our split date. This was the day I ended it, after she refused to give up the OM.

2 months later she refused to sign the documents unless I changed the date to October. She insisted that we hadn’t slept in the same bed since October.. I gave up trying to convince her but refused to back down in the date.

I know she met / started to text and flirt with OM3 in November so can only assume she told him a load of lies ( I know she told him loads of lies about various other things ) about when we seperated.. hence I suspect she was worried if he ever saw the document it would make him wonder why..

It’s irrelevant now, but they always have their little motives.. I suspect self preservation to your ww is her priority..

[Manta]

Manta,

You are probably right about the dates.. My WW did the exact same thing on our settlement agreement ( we weren’t married)..

The document stated 8th December 2018 as our split date. This was the day I ended it, after she refused to give up the OM.

2 months later she refused to sign the documents unless I changed the date to October. She insisted that we hadn’t slept in the same bed since October.. I gave up trying to convince her but refused to back down in the date.

I know she met / started to text and flirt with OM3 in November so can only assume she told him a load of lies ( I know she told him loads of lies about various other things ) about when we seperated.. hence I suspect she was worried if he ever saw the document it would make him wonder why..

It’s irrelevant now, but they always have their little motives.. I suspect self preservation to your ww is her priority..

I'm not going to agree on those dates, as i have plenty evidence to the contrary. It's her trying to save face to him and his family. I'm not signing anything that's untrue and makes me also liable.

[DejaVu6]

My STBXH had fake dates on our separation agreement as well. I suspect it was for face-saving reasons as well. The rest of the SA was a great deal for me so I decided not to make an issue of it. Don't think it makes me liable for anything as long as we both agree on the date. It does allow us to divorce sooner which, at this point, is also a good deal for me. Onwards and upwards...

[NicoleR]

Hi Manta, what a terrible person your wife is!! It sounds like she and so many of the spouses who left here have no conscience whatsoever. They lie to us and they lie to their affair partners. They live a double life. I guess divorce is a step in the right direction for a marriage that can't be saved but I really, really hope you don't have to see her in person. That's just excessive cruelty if you do. I feel so sad for what you're going through.

[Manta]

Hi Manta, what a terrible person your wife is!! It sounds like she and so many of the spouses who left here have no conscience whatsoever. They lie to us and they lie to their affair partners. They live a double life. I guess divorce is a step in the right direction for a marriage that can't be saved but I really, really hope you don't have to see her in person. That's just excessive cruelty if you do. I feel so sad for what you're going through.

I really don't want to either Nicole. She is a liar, cheater and i don't think she's mentally stable. She might have the AP fooled, but when that baby arrives.....i shudder to think how she will cope and her OTT reactions.

I'll get legal advice Nicole and stand up for myself. I have tried to keep calm and not provoke, she has been rubbing thid affair in my face since she was caught 12 months ago.

Her day will come. One day.

I need all of your support from now on, as this will probably get nasty.

[NicoleR]

Manta,

We're here for you! If there was a way to contact you in real life I'd seriously accompany you to a potential divorce session to support you! That's just too much for anyone to handle on their own. I'm sure her day will come but I feel so sorry for the innocent child that will be born into this mess. Her downfall will be the child's downfall too so there are no winners. I hope you get to start over though with a new partner with whom you can start a real, stable, loving, lifelong family.

[Destroyd]

Manta, I am so sorry that you are going through this.

I really wish there was a way to private message people here so that we could get in touch with each other.

[neffer]

Time to move on, dear brother. Time to move on.

Welcome your freedom. Keep the GAL. Stay on the bright side of your life. Keep some healthy memories
but that´s all.

As Nicole says, it´s onward and upward for you from now on. And you know how to do that man!

((((M))))

[AnotherStander]

Sends you the D papers in German, oh wow is that ever rich! I swear the audacity of a WAS just knows no bounds!

[Manta]

I know Nicole. Wish you could be here with me.
Thanks everyone. I would love to pm too, as we are all people trying to support each other.
I'm going to play this cool, not being a d$%k , but after everything she's put me through, it's no harm now to let her sweat and call her out on her bs. She's not getting everything her own way. I hope this time next year my life will be so much happier and brighter. Her selfish life will be changing once that baby arrives.

[Manta]

I don't think i can do this anymore

[NicoleR]

Manta,

You can do it. It's just extremely difficult, unfair, and traumatizing. The pain is worse than anyone can realize. It's exceptionally hard even when time has passed and you've made so much progress moving on but the divorce papers force you to go through another round of grief when you're already tired from all this. Just like you I know that if / when I receive divorce papers I'll feel the same, like I just can't do it. Why don't you write everything that's going through your mind here and we can listen and respond?

Manta and Destroyd, when I joined first joined this forum many members were writing about how they know each other in real life. I asked how they met and it was through facebook. More recently one member (and I think I realize now who he is!) created a secret facebook group called "The DB Society." If you want to join he may accept you! I had a few good conversations with members there. If you do join, you'll probably be able to figure out who I am so please say hi! :-)

Side note - to the member who created the DB Society group, if you read this, I just checked the group and your profile and wow, your girlfriend / significant other is gorgeous!!! You two look great together! That gives me hope that maybe I'll find someone someday.

Manta - I hope you get some sleep!

[Manta]

Manta,

You can do it. It's just extremely difficult, unfair, and traumatizing. The pain is worse than anyone can realize. It's exceptionally hard even when time has passed and you've made so much progress moving on but the divorce papers force you to go through another round of grief when you're already tired from all this. Just like you I know that if / when I receive divorce papers I'll feel the same, like I just can't do it. Why don't you write everything that's going through your mind here and we can listen and respond?

Manta and Destroyd, when I joined first joined this forum many members were writing about how they know each other in real life. I asked how they met and it was through facebook. More recently one member (and I think I realize now who he is!) created a secret facebook group called "The DB Society." If you want to join he may accept you! I had a few good conversations with members there. If you do join, you'll probably be able to figure out who I am so please say hi! :-)

Side note - to the member who created the DB Society group, if you read this, I just checked the group and your profile and wow, your girlfriend / significant other is gorgeous!!! You two look great together! That gives me hope that maybe I'll find someone someday.

Manta - I hope you get some sleep!

Thanks NicoleR. I really appreciate your kind words and help in the last year.

Not sure where this group is on FB. I will try and find it.

I'm very tired.

[Manta]

Not sure where this group is on FB, i don't see it.. I will try and find it. If you want to find me on fb, look for the group "Corolla owners Irl".

if you see a red car , pics and a little story, thats me.

I'm very tired of all this. It's been the worst 12 months of my life. Not a day goes by where i dont feel sad, anxious, lonely or angry on what has happened to me.

I know GAL etc is important, which i have and am doing. But I'm human and can't bury everything deep down.
I certainly have come a long way like others in the last year. But i worry that I'm a completely different person now than then who i was. People don't understand how adultery and divorce feels. Everyone has theories and advice, but unless this is happening to yourself, i really feel people shouldn't say anything.

[NicoleR]

Manta,

There's not really anything anyone can say sadly that's very helpful. I think the DB book presents a good short-term plan but after one year or longer you've already gotten a life, gone dark, used the different techniques, etc...and by now there's nothing new to try. It's frustrating. Especially when it ends in divorce. Then people who mean well try to take the tough approach or tell you to keep doing more of the same or say to forget about her, etc.. and that's not very helpful either!

Do you have a dream or passion that doesn't include your wife? For me it's to live in a specific country in Europe part-time, one where my husband has never been, and to reach certain career goals. These are dreams that I had before I met my husband. Maybe you have something similar? It may not bring the same happiness as having a partner that you love with all your heart, but it gives you something to live for.

I don't really know the answer because my situation is the same except I just haven't received divorce papers yet. In your case not only did you receive papers but they contain lies and they're not even in your own language! That's the ultimate disrespect.

I just searched the group you mention on Facebook and I was pretty sure it'd be too hard to find you because there are lots of red cars, but now I see exactly what you mean! I'll send you a message. I guess the 'secret' status of the DB Society Group means no one can even see the group to join. I'd volunteer to start a new one but I don't want to get in trouble here! :-)

Manta I don't really know what to say except some of us are unlucky. The majority of people who marry the person they love might not have a perfect life, but their spouse will most likely stay with them and they'll get through life together. I don't see that you did anything wrong at all in your marriage. You were unlucky to marry someone who lacked ethics and who was immature and who didn't value commitment. In fact she's a liar and probably has mental problems that aren't diagnosed and she found an affair partner who enabled her bad behavior. It's not your fault at all. It's just the worst pain to be fooled in this way. I brought my husband on a marriage visa from the Middle East and we were together for ten years. With my support he became a physician here in the US and after he was making his own money (not depending on my salary) he left my daughter and I for a 26 year old nurse and moved her into the dream house that we had just built together! I don't know if you've read my thread but there seem to be no limits to all the bad stuff that spouses can do. Yours is honestly the worst that I've read about here in this forum (aside from my husband!).

If nothing else I hope you can get through today. Write more about what you're thinking and we'll support you!

[Manta]

16/10/2019

Just an update. I was served divorce papers in July 2019, the court date was set in Germany for the end of September.
I did not attend as I live in Ireland. I had a representative.

It was settled out of court and the Divorce is now being finalized. As we had no kids, or house my STBXWW was entitled to nothing. I did not challenge the Divorce, as what was the point anymore.

Her baby is due with AP in December. I did not want to see her in Court pregnant, as this would have stayed with me forever.

The last contact was in February. She cut me out of her life like I didn' exist.

I'm doing better, keeping busy and looking forward to moving on with my life and putting this chapter to bed.
Manta.