My Story Part 3

[Manta]

Part 1

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2825419&page=1

Part 2

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2825433&page=1

Thanks guy's, now on to Act 3. Manta moves forward.

[Manta]

Journaling 07/04/2019

Been a good week for me. I found out from a good friend yesterday that WW has moved back to her country, as she posted an official FB update last week.

No goodbyes etc after nearly 5 years living in Ireland. I thought as much, she had moved home to Germany back in February, but its still a confirmation.

Since last summer's DDay, WW barely has made contact with me. Not once has she contacted anyone in my family, to even say thank you for all the things they did for her. No class or respect.

She showed zero appreciation for anything or anyone that went out of their way to help her, once she moved to Ireland back in 2014.

I have a lot of clarity now on the type of person she is.

She started an affair with a guy who also cheated on his EX GF of 18 years last summer, got caught, decided to pursue AP. Wanted a Divorce within a few weeks of Dday, stopped communicating with me for month's , moved to live with AP in February. I don't know is this a feature of German culture, but she was ruthless and cold on how she's dealt with me. Zero empathy or remorse.

I still haven't received any legal documentation from her.

I know my value and I'm not afraid of what's to come, but i can't figure out the pointlessness of the whole episode.

I feel she's got away with murder here, soft landings after DDay, now moved to ready made home in Germany with her AP. Seems like everything just went her way with no justice.

The pieces on the chessboard were just replaced.

[gzabetas]

Hi Manta, I apologize for not having read your entire sitch and am only commenting on your last post.

Because it is something I deeply identify with.

As my WW also burned bridges with everyone she also was unappreciative to my family.
She was also staying in my home and my family would always help as hers was in the north.

They would give her 9 things and when she didnt get the 10th she would call them horrible names.

When she dropped the divorce bomb on me, my sister told her that I am the best guy she knows and that she wants to see us together. She called her a whore and kicked her out of the house. And when my brother in law came downstairts to tell her that it wasnt nice her and that he doesnt allow that behaviour to his wife (my sister) she took us all to the police to file a report.
I actually heard the cops tell me that I need to protect my home. bla bla
How could I explain my wife was in the wrong. Throwing tantrums.

Later on our common psychologist shed some light on her issues when he told me she had emotional immaturity.

If you google the term, its not as wide a term as we use it every day. Immaturity is not being able to empathize with another humans plight. And not being able to commuicate. They are like 2 year olds feeling they are the center of the universe. They never developed unfortunately.

[gzabetas]

Just skimmed over some of your posts.
Yup mine cheated too. I found her diary and there are horrid graphic details of her affair. Think the most embarassing position for a woman having sex and then go even lower. I cant describe it here.

She doesnt know that I know. She kisses my son with that mouth that I know where its been.
My mind races.

And yup now she wants the house and alimony.

[Manta]

Sorry to hear about your situation gzabetas. Sounds like your W, is unstable and it's best to keep detached and GAL right now. That's what i have done and i have come through the fire.

My WW is very Emotionally Immature. Even before the A, she would say "I like animals more than humans" or weird stuff like that. It's like they can't empathize with other people's pain or suffering. They're very egocentric people, who believe the world revolves around them. They have their own little world and like to control it very tightly.

I believe there is a lot of baggage from her past, unresolved issues. Her only brother is in his very late 20's, is still a virgin, never has kissed a girl and lives at home with his parents in his childhood bedroom still. He loves gaming and is an introvert. He is a wonderful guy, who I really like and did my best to be like a "brother" to him. He is smart, intelligent and handsome. I know that he could meet any woman, but is so shy and insecure, he can't make that move. He isn't gay, which doesn't even matter, just shy. The parents are kind and loving, but perhaps too soft.
WW's parents basically spoilt them both growing up. Very protective of them. While WW went wild, WW's Brother didn't. WW would always say she wanted a marriage like her parents.

I love WW's family very much, but perhaps these issues stem back to how they were brought up.

Being emotionally immature at 33 years of age is quite common these days. People refuse to grow up and take responsibility for themselves and how their actions affect others.

I still don't think my WW "gets it"... She has no idea of the pain and suffering she has caused so many people, my family, her little nephews and niece's and friends. I had to deal with the little ones saying "Aunty WW is with her mother at the moment"... They asked for months and months, which was very emotional for me. WW cut my family out of her life like a bad habit.

She basically cheated, got caught in the act and had no leg to stand on, perhaps she never intended to, but in order to deal with what she did cognitive dissonance kicked in last August. Typical of someone in Limerence. I'm sure i have and am vilified and portrayed as a bad Husband etc. The number of lies she told her AP last summer, was astonishing also. She sold him a story of how we were both living in different bedrooms, not having sex anymore and she was going to divorce me. Perhaps this was done to open the door per se, in making him comfortable in being with a married woman.

However up until Dday, she never communicated to me she wasn't happy, we were certainly having sex and sleeping in the same room. She told all her and my family how much she loved me and how wonderful a husband i was... All the way up to Dday.

I was completely dehumanized by my WW. No empathy or genuine remorse for what she did. After i kicked her out, which i really had no choice, she moved in with her work colleague. Stayed there for a few months until moving back to her country to live with the AP. There was little to no communication for almost 6 months. Imagine getting a WhatsApp message on a Sunday morning last September saying "i want a divorce"......

I know in my heart and soul this won't work out for her and AP. There has been no self-reflection or work done on herself or him. They both have rushed into a relationship born out of cheating and lies.

She will do the same things to him as she did to me. Probably worse!

I imagine one day, this guy who is also a cheater will probably get tired of her actions and emotional outbursts. All the pressure is on my WW to make this R work now with her AP. If he leaves her or cheats on her, she knows that she has no way back anymore. She's going on 33 tomorrow, it's not a good story to tell others on "how we met". They won't exactly be welcomed with open arms, wherever they go.

Where she is living, AP's EXGF is also living. I know that she has told lots of mutual friends of what my WW and her EXBF did. So even WW moving to his town, it's not going to be pretty. That stench will follow them for the rest of their lives.

WW has not once said to me, can we work on this, can you give me 1 chance. Nothing. No marriage counseling, or any effort to help me heal. She abandoned me and everything we had built through the years, for a guy she met only 2-3 times. That's scary. I know in my heart i could never do to her, what she did to me.

I have been on my own healing since last summer and have come a long way.

[gzabetas]

omg manta sounds like we have similar wives.

yup emotional immaturity's biggest hurdle for us is their inability to empathize, and being egocentric as you said.

they dont see the other side's POV.

You are also correct that it is usually created in some early childhood trauma, when their neurological system and character was developing. Feeling abandoned by one of the 2 parents or overprotection, not being punished or being held accountable.
Why we picked them up in the first place says something about us as well. We are the fixers. I am an engineer in real life so it kinda makes sense that I would love a "project". But these are sanity threatening issues to us.
There is so much one can put up with when dealing with an emotionally stunted individual.

Usually we end up catching their anger and traits ratther than them getting any "cure" from us.

Similar to your case, my best friend is her father these days who calls me daily to see how I am holding up the fort.
He knows his dauther has gone WW as she has stopped talking to him too. Accusations at him too.
The whole world is at fault lately for her suffering. She has no part in this from her POV.

Had to look up the term limerence. Wow that is what mine has. She has a whole diary devoted to this other man.
She even lit some candles around the house with needles in them (some voodoo instructions she googled i am sure) .
When I told my psychologist, he said it was classical traits of an immature person.

The lies. OMG. She has a PhD in lies it seems. They are in cloud cuckoo so to say.

However up until Dday, she never communicated to me she wasn't happy, we were certainly having sex and sleeping in the same room. She told all her and my family how much she loved me and how wonderful a husband i was... All the way up to Dday.

Come on Manta. now its as if you are really speaking of my own wife exactly.!!

The psychologist told me he had told her to communicate these things to me. She never did.
In her mind though she made many many efforts. (in reality there were weeks of giving me the shoulder, shrugs, cursing at me, and crying alone - I thought PMS related)
That was the extend of all her communication to me.

I also am at that point of feeling dehumanized. I cry daily. Trying to detach. A bit more each day.
We also have a kid so its a bit trickier for us.

And yes rest assured their fantasy world will burn and they will be left worse than when we met them.
I actually already feel sorry for them if you can believe it. Cause I know deep down they want to try but they cant function or cope with emotions. Know that they have moments of clarity where they see the truth. Even for a glimpse.

Yeah I never got a chance either. I actually asked her to create a list. Aced all of those issues and then after 4 months of my efforts she said, "oh i could add a million more issues, no reason to work on anything".

Seems you have a had a bit more time than me. Its only been since xmas for me. So I am still trying to cope.

Final note, as I write this, I am back from the police station where she has yet filed another report on me.
She was cursing me earlier and I told her to stop or I will get angry and not be held responsible. For my actions.
She said that was a threat. It was enough for the police. I almost got arrested. Thank God the police officer took a liking to me and told me to just get the divorce with her and let her move on for my sanity.

[Manta]

She sounds crazy mate. Best read about boundaries and SMART contact. Don't get drawn into their world. They will look for excuses to make you the bad guy.

I have sent WW no angry messages, voicemails etc. I had to accept thing's and did a 180. For me.

Thats what's important. DB is for you first. Make yourself the best person you can be. Nobody deserves to be cheated on and this wasn't our fault. Take responsabilty for your own failures, work on them. But don't think that them cheating on us is due to us not being good enough.

They're wonderful men and women out there, with morals and solid coping skills. Unfortuantley some don't. They can't learn this over night.

[gzabetas]

I'm afraid you are right on the craziness. Knew about boundaries, will have to look up SMART contact.

And its true that the more contact I have with her the more drawn into her mad mad world i get.

We are finalizing our divorce so its headed to that output. Its strange how that is the "healthy" option as things turned out.


Lately DB is more of saving ourselves rather than saving a marriage which is in the throws of pure madness.

[Manta]

I'm afraid you are right on the craziness. Knew about boundaries, will have to look up SMART contact.

And its true that the more contact I have with her the more drawn into her mad mad world i get.

We are finalizing our divorce so its headed to that output. Its strange how that is the "healthy" option as things turned out.


Lately DB is more of saving ourselves rather than saving a marriage which is in the throws of pure madness.

It really is. Sandi's rules and also her story and advice to newcomers about WW's is very helpful.

Begging, pleading, reasoning doesn't work with a WW. You really need to let them go and get on with your life.

I asked my WW back in August and Sept last year for marriage counseling and R, she declined and said she was happy, etc, was in love and when I asked her why/what was missing in our marriage that made you do this, she said "I have been asking that question to myself so many times, as I know so many girls that would love a guy like you. I think you're just traditional, you know. You wanted kids and a house, that's not me!!!" She couldn't even look me in the eye saying it, as she was staring into space. That's the last time i saw her in person.

We were in the process of buying a beautiful home, also we had been trying for children. She had 2 miscarriages, 1 in Dec 2017, then one in Feb 2018. I honestly put no pressure on her when it came to Children. With or Without Children, I told her it didn't matter, as I loved her. I just wanted us to be happy.

She is still in the throes of her affair and has moved full forward with the divorce and wants to erase me asap from her life. It's very humiliating and hurtful, as it's no different than a hit and run.

You will get there mate, keep your dignity and just be the best you can be right now. I know about the crying and loneliness, the long drives to work, constant thinking over and over in your mind of what happened, trying to process the pain, the why's and also dealing with the fallout.

Sometimes i say to myself if she ever did want me back, where the %^&* would she start? She has burnt all the bridges between us, so easily and cruel. She surrounded herself with a few cheerleaders and enablers who she barely knew, only1 year in a new job, who were all cheating or breaking up with their boyfriends. These became her new friends, as she is very easily influenced.

You cant fix stupid.

[gzabetas]

You cant fix stupid, very well put!

Even though it is not advised to have R talks with the wife, since mine is in the final stages of divorce I just had a long one with her..
It is so crazy to even try to have one. They are beyond communicating.

I told her since she played the police card today cause "she felt threatened", i will have to go another route.
She was cursing me in front of the kid (now she told me she doesnt remember) and when I stepped up she called the cops.

At the station I was told I can never win with a woman. The greek law is always with them.

So having secretly found and read her diaries with the sordid details of her sex at the gym basement I told her I am signing up at her gym tomorrow. This freaked her out. I will be in proximity to the trainer lover there.

Since I cant argue with a woman, I will argue with her boyfriend. That will embarrass her. No law against 2 men talking.

Not that it will save the R. This is now about my dignity.

Mine has also surrounded herself with a bunch of losers and enablers. In my case they were critical in my wife crossing to the other side.

But they dont know how they got to the other side. They just know what it looks like from where they are standing now.
And from their new POV we are in the shitty light of her "horrbile traumatic" past. Where she suffered.
And we are monsters.

There really is one script, we keep repeating it. But they dont break out of it.

And some of the vets here have given them some reason that from their POV it really was bad.
Yeah but consider the source.