You don't know if your W is any loser to being done with the marriage or not, so try not to worry about it. Her avoiding you shows you how much feelings she has for you. Or maybe how much pressure she is feeling, so remove all pressure. Have you read Divorce Remedy? MWD talks about pursuit and it's great to read.
What can you do? Read here, post here, learn more. Learn how to be an attractive, strong, confident man.
Stop with the R talks, they're no good for you.
Do your best to create your own happiness!
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
It's good to hear from you again, Paul. Sorry things aren't much better. I think you have to hold the line and not compromise your values. She knows she has done you wrong. If she's having problems with OM, then don't be thrown off guard if she starts acting pitiful, maybe crying, and even saying she needs a hug from you. This is the WW having a pity party, and nothing more. She will probably temp check you at any moment, She wants to secure you as her backup plan.
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I feel like I don't even care about her and if I even can think about her as person. I guess it's kind sad.
It's easier to apply tough love when you feel that way. And quite frankly, the WW needs to see exactly what you've described in that sentence. It's the jolt she needs. If only H's would do this as soon as he finds out about OM or gets bomb drop, it would save a lot more M's.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
HI Just posting this again not sure if my post previously has been seen. Just wanted to give you an update. When she came back that Sunday she was gone for like 3-4 days. I said if you plan to be gone for 3 days please tell me as I do't know if you are missing person and should call police or not. I asked her to move all her stuff out of our bedroom.
Then we talked about that she should move out as it's not healthy for me to live this way. I did not ask her about affair or anything. She said it's her house and she won't be kicked out. We both own the place. I asked her to find a place to rent but at the moment does not look like she is going to do that. After this talk I noticed the she felt quite guilty, but did not stop her affair. I had snooped around to see what's going on. It appears that she does not see future with affair partner, however she is avoiding me as much as possible. She delays to get up so she would not see me in the morning or goes to the 3rd floor as soon as she can.
After this talk regarding her moving out and packing she is trying to avoid me as much as possible. Couple days ago I said maybe we should sell condo or I could buy out. She sent message to her girlfriend asking about this that I posting too much on Facebook. It looks like she is concerned what to tell her mother in regards what's going on. I had couple posts with my friends where we went to the beach and got some beer. I feel it's getting closer to divorce then to anything else. I feel like I don't even care about her and if I even can think about her as person. I guess it's kind sad.
Sandy if you "I can give you some tips about the type of changes you can make that are more effective in your WW's final decisions and the direction she'll take. I just don't know that you are ready to trust it. You have a lot of fear and you have to lose the fear of losing her. Actually, you've already lost her in many ways. The way to draw her back is by becoming a man who knows his worth and has enough self respect to not put up with a cheating W. It doesn't matter how long it may take you to find another good person. You have to ask yourself........what kind of person do you have now? "
I am not even sure if there is anything I can do anymore. Probably I am just looking to have peace and quote.
I felt that it helped me with detachment when I repeated that my wife that I had known had died and this person is some stranger living in this property.
Yesterday, when she was leaving I said you used to have high morale and now not sure what is happening. I feel like she is feeling guilty about her behavior. I am not sure if I should more...
Hey Paul, I'm happy to help in some way. If you have not read the links at the bottom of first page on Sandi's Rules, I believe it could give you insight on the WW mindset and how the LBH needs to deal with it. I believe there is a difference in the WW and WAW, and I try to explain that difference within these threads.......while at the same time, I was trying to respond to the individual questions being asked by posters. There are several threads, but one where I mainly talk about the connection of the WW to a H with NGS is in my first thread of Sandi's Reflections. Here's the link:
When reading Divorce Remedy, you will not find the term, "wayward spouse". MWD does not separate the walk-away and the wayward spouse. Read Divorce Remedy first. Read NMMNG, and then read these other links.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Hi, I learned that OM kind dumped her and was asking to be friends. She was going thru withdrawal so last Friday while as gone to one of our coworkers wake she went to casino with couple friends and acquaintance. She managed to get that drunk that made out in a car with one of the guys. It just disgusting to me. She even texted one of her girlfriends that she did not feel shame I believe even her friend was surprised. Of course she does not know that I know.
I said that she is responsible for her own federal and state taxes as I filed married separated. I also learned that she talked to a lawyer. She complained to her sister that I was unfriendly because I did not file joint taxes and she is thinking about divorce and she mentioned that its time to tell her mother that we having marriage problems. Our communication is limited to I "say good day how are you" and her response is the same. I am polite with her like with a neighbor. On Sunday I initiated talk about paying off land loan and filing taxes and I told her that my coworkers suicide made me think about this in limbo marriage and not sure how long I will last. I said to her that this behavior is like teenager and it's time to grow up. I said there info online which could help her with this kinda behavior. After that I kinda realized that this probably won't hit her as she thinks that this is how reality looks like I also learned that she saw a shrink and going to see again.
I signed up on couple dating sites and went with couple woman just to practice dating. Nothing serious I did not share this info with her. At the moment I am not even sure if it's just better to be the first to file for divorce or see where all this goes. I am trying to look at this as experiment and be an observer. I just feel kind a sadness that the person can fall that low. I guess the anger and range is gone just acceptance. I still check detachment thread which helped me tremendously.
Quit checking up on her IMO she is acting a damn fool. If her cheater status changes and she wants you to know it then you will know it. Until then it only hurts you. What can you do to be a happy, successful, attractive man in the meantime?
Not sure why you're dating. Have you healed? Have you learned? Have you grown? Are you married? So what's the point?
I know why, but you should think about it. You're perfectly OK without someone and you need to believe it deep down.
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
hi I am looking for some advise. My wife is asking if she can use my HSA account to pay for a shrink she is seeing. I said I will think about it. In addition I don't know if there would be tax consequences if she lives apart.
She initiated the talk recently about payoff off the land which kinda means that she is looking to move out of our condo and actively is looking to get a new apartment in the same city where AP lives. I am not sure if she still seeing this AP or found somebody new. I can see that she is withdrawal and sometimes cries. She has not asked me for any help or support so I am just being polite. At the beginning in Contra dance classes I was more focused on almost trying to get woman to like me with intention to date. For some reason the last time not sure what happened I felt that I din't care if I find somebody or not as long I had fun it will be ok.
it's a Friday night, or Saturday or Sunday I hate them, because I feel lonely. I never felt so lonely in my life. How do you deal with that? I guess by accepting that this is your new life.
Just let go. Yes accept that its all about you now. Get out and meet people. Go exercise. Dont just sit around and dwell.
M:16 T:21 H(me) 38 WW: 38 S11 D16 D19 Red Flags of A: March 2018 ILYBNILWY: August 4, 2018 Moved out of MBR: September 24, 2018 BD/Confirmation of A: October 31, 2018 D Filed: March 27, 2019
