Moving on to the bright side Part 24

[TBSakaJ9]

I think it's my own fears. I am just trying not to think too much and just let it flow. Sometimes I feel really good and other times I feel myself pulling away.

[JujuB]

I had a lot of mixed feelings too. Sometimes it felt unnatural... sharing time, watching tv, sleeping over someone’s house that was not my ex husband. (My ex left us in 2015). It felt like an alternate reality that really wasn’t supposed to be occurring. Like a dream you wake up from and your so happy when you realize it was just a dream. (My ex husband was also a pos that was lying and basically stealing family funds from his wife and preschooler and living off my parents so it makes little sense) There were times I would just leave ex bfs house in the middle of the night cause I couldn’t be there (and also the snoring).

Now in my case, Ex boyfriend was definitely the wrong person. I look back and just don’t know what the hell i was thinking when it came to compatability. But it could have also been too soon for me. Or me thinking I could just replace a role that was now missing in my life with the first person that fit a certain criteria.

I pulled away a lot too. The crazy thing is people like you more when your like that. I bet Dr senses that and it’s part of why she seems to be very interested in you. But we talked about that already in earlier posts.

So it could be time, or maybe your guts seeing something that you might not cognitively recognize for another 6 months or a year.

I don’t have answers, just that I know that up and down feeling. I think its what happens to damaged people and hopefully resolves with time.

[TBSakaJ9]

I hope it does because she is a really good person.

[Ginger1]

M told me that he was alot more nervous about meeting my daughter than before our first date. Even when you are ready, it is scary. I was scared too. I am thankful that it went so well.

M’s son Just thinks I’m daddy’s friend. He’s an excitable little 5 year old boy. He doesn’t know one way or another . We don’t PDA in front of him. He will sneak a kiss when his back is turned.

My daughter, on the other hand is an 11 year old highly emotionally intelligent little girl whom you can’t pull the friend stuff with. Since 7 years old I couldn’t pull that off. She knows I’ve dated. She’s told me a while back that she thinks I should go on match.com because I could find a nice boyfriend there. I let her know when I had dates. I explained along the way that dates help you get to know someone to see if they would be a good boyfriend . My daughter knows very well we are in a relationship. She even told me “M is a great boyfriend to you, he treats you well”

You can say “you are going to meet daddy’s friend” but if they ask if she is your girlfriend, you should be honest. That’s my opinion.

As far as you. I hate to break it to you, but that spun out need to spend every minute with the one you are dating is a thing of the past, of your late teens early 20’s. That doesn’t happen anymore. Because you are more of your own person with your own life and your own kids, job, hobby, etc. you’ve fulfilled yourself enough that you don’t have that desire and need anymore. Your desires and needs are more mature than that now.

There is something about place and time on your life. What do you wish to find by dating around? Is it sex without commitment and freedom? Say you decided to go and end things with the DR tomorrow and then went and dated around? What purpose would that hold for you?

Deep questions, but maybe if you answer them, you’ll have more clarity

[TBSakaJ9]

That helps G.......I guess I thought I was supposed to be all spun up and since I am not that something was wrong. My mom tells me I am an idiot. She always thinks of my girls first and tells me that I have much more to think about now than just my own feelings. She likes the fact that the dr has a young boy instead of girls and also likes that she adopted her son which shows she has the capacity to love a child that is not her own blood if that makes any sense.

[Dawn70]

I'm SO glad someone finally said that to you! I feel like I always make negative comments to you and I didn't want to come off negative yet again by saying something (and by the way I do NOT think what G said was negative...I just know she words stuff better than I do and she seems to have a better rapport with most of y'all than I do, so maybe it comes better from her), but I just kept thinking why does a grown man NEED to feel all spun up in someone. To me, that seems like an "emotion" or a feeling that a much younger and likely never-married person would have. More of a feeling of infatuation than genuine emotional connection, if that makes sense. I'm not saying someone can't be excited about their partner when they are more mature and have been through a divorce because obviously people can be, but that super emotional, almost out of control feeling seems to be, at least in my mind, more a product of young lust than emotional maturity about relationships.

I totally get what your mom said about the dr having an adopted child. I have told this story before, but I have never had children of my own because it was just, sadly, never in God's plan for me. But, I have 3 lovely, wonderful, amazing daughters just the same. When I married my XH, his daughters became my daughters and I still have a very big role in their lives despite him not being a part of my life at all anymore. And, when I get married to Sparky, I will "inherit" a 4th daughter and I will love her just as much as I love my other 3. Being a step-parent can be a VERY difficult job but it can also be a very rewarding one. It is all in how you develop a rapport with the kid(s). Not everyone can take someone else's child and love them as their own and that isn't necessarily a bad thing, but clearly the dr. can since she's already done it. It's early yet for all the lovey dovey stuff, but I think the dr is a keeper.

[TBSakaJ9]

Just remember the last R that I was in lasted 17 years and got started when I was in my 20's so that spun up feeling is all I know from back in those days. Truthfully I don't want to feel that way and I am glad that what I am feeling is normal or at least how I am supposed to feel.

The Dr. is a keeper and I think that scares me as well. There are so many things about her that make sense but after being hurt like I was it is very hard to let go and be vulnerable again. Some days the pain was almost unbearable and the thought of opening myself up again brings tears to my eyes. I know it is part of healing and moving on but it is tough.

When I was dating on-line I don't know that I ever really thought that I would meet someone "normal" through that medium. I actually thought OLD was just a way to meet people and pass away the time and that I would actually meet someone through a mutual friend, my daughters school, the gym or rather more of the organic way. TBH the Dr. completely caught me by surprise. She will be 47 in May, has a 7 yr old son, and just opened up her own practice.

She is a busy mom just trying to do her best in this world just like the rest of us.

[Dawn70]

Yes, that was kind of my point. For those who married young, relationships and marriage did likely start with that whole spun up thing. And, for those that were married for any length of time longer than a few years, they don't likely know anything different. I do think, though, as we grow and mature in ourselves, we realize that feeling is likely more infatuation and lust than real feelings. It may have become real as the relationship/marriage grew, but initially it was just all in your face. Lots of posters here have alluded to that need for a lot of sex at the beginning of a relationship, but for most, that high level of sex a relationship has in the beginning is not sustainable over a longer period so the lust/infatuation dies down and the real emotion sets in.

Now that you are older and have gone through a D, you can grow and realize that you can feel for someone (and even be sexually attracted to them) without being out of control emotionally. Being vulnerable is hard, especially if you are the LBS. It is hard to put yourself out there. I totally understand what you mean about being caught by surprise by meeting someone "normal" online. I didn't think I would either, but here we are. LOL

I didn't mean anything negative by anything I said and I get that you are just going with what you know, so to speak, but I was hoping at some point, someone that you like/respect would say what G did so that you would think about it because when you kept posting about not feeling spun up I kept wondering why you would want to feel that way. From the outside looking in, you appear to have a mature (dare I say "age appropriate") relationship with the dr and I couldn't be happier for you. You seem look a decent guy and you deserve a good, "normal" woman to share your life with when you are ready to have that. When you first got married to your XW, y'all were young and it was just the 2 of you. Now, you not only have to worry about yourself, but you also have to worry about your daughters. And, like most good parents, you seem to embrace the idea of putting your children first. That makes for a very different dynamic in a relationship than being young and being able to get naked and have sex in the middle of the living room at 2:00 in the afternoon....know what I mean? LOL

[TBSakaJ9]

I guess G was the first one who put it in words that I could understand. I think I am finally starting to understand how it's not all about looks, beauty, etc. Not that I am not attracted to the dr. and obviously that does exist but there are certainly more important things at my age that I should be focused on.

I think that is why my mom thinks i'm being stupid.

[Dawn70]

I think that is the age-old style vs. substance debate, isn't it? There are all sorts of theories and quotes about it and the one that usually jumps out in my mind is something about beauty fades, but personality goes on forever. LOL There is SO much more to someone than their physical appearance. And, you can and should totally be physically attracted to your partner. I am not advocating that you shouldn't. I'm just saying that maybe, as we mature in our selves and in our relationships we begin to realize that both things are more important (both style and substance) rather than just being drawn solely to someone's "style".

I have known some REALLY good looking guys who were complete a$$hats and some not nearly as physically attractive guys who had amazing personalities. Give me the average looking guy with the great personality ANY day over the one who is "pretty" to look at, but is a douche. The one time in my life I have really been spun up over someone was when I was young and by "normal" standards, most people would say he's kind of cute, but not hot or gorgeous or anything, but he's got this AWESOME sense of humor, he's super smart and he's a nice guy. He is BY FAR the sexiest guy I have ever known in my whole life. And, I would bet if I showed his picture to most women, they would go "yeah, he's ok, I guess...I've seen worse" or something along those lines. But dude has substance for days and I still think he's the hottest man on the planet. It's all in how we perceive people, if that makes sense.

I have no doubt that the dr is a very physically attractive woman. But, she must have some smarts in her head to be an actual doctor and she doesn't seem to be flighty or a game player or any of those things, so she has both style and substance. Good for you on that one.