Good idea picking up your personal belongings. It was nice to tell MIL what you did, and I know you meant it. This crisis is hard on lots of people around the MLCer, her parents are in a difficult spot.
W’s reply towards son’s birthday is pretty typical. They don’t like to share their plans. I wouldn’t be surprised if she does show up, she very well could, and it is much more dramatic with “I’ll let you know” (and a little disrespectful). Just breathe, it’s hard to take as the MLCer tries to make everthing about them, because to them it is. That being said, keep expectations at zero, and make it a great Birthday no matter what happens.
DnJ
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
It's been almost 3 weeks since the last time I posted. Hope all is well with you all.
So we celebrated my S10's birthday dinner with my other S12 at a Japanese restaurant. I did my best to make the evening real special for him since it's a work/school week. W didn't wanna be part of it. I had zero expectations anyway.
Good Friday I was off due to a recognized Spring Holiday at work. W texted me asking where the boys were since they slept over with me the night before. Told her I was off and will drop off the boys around noon. W was upset that I didn't tell her ahead of time that I was off. It's also both my sons' spring break that week. She was also upset because we were just at home and I didn't take them out somewhere to eat for breakfast and that I made plans around noon. My response was short and businesslike; I told her, "tons of groceries at home and to the courthouse is where I'm headed to file my response." I also sent her a text saying I'm picking up the boys to attend my cousin's housewarming on Sat (next day) and that'll only take 3 hours. Her response was, "I made plans already". I called my son the next day and asked if W told them what her plan was, my S12 says, "mom is still figuring it out".
My grandma passed the day after Easter (bless her soul). Sent a text to my W about it and she asked how. Told her I'm getting more info. My mom told me my W sent her a text condoling - mom was surprised. I got info re the viewing so I sent it to my W.
When I went to the courthouse on Good Friday, I didn't know that I needed to serve my W first before filing my response so I had my brother-in-law's wife serve my wife Tue the following week with my response. I got a text from her lashing out how/why I have all these credit card bills (she's exaggerating) (which isn't really her problem since I'm paying it off myself), how I'm never open about my finances (I'm always open; she's the one that wasn't). Started questioning if I ever think about our future at all. Asked when I'm gonna man up and own up to responsibilities. I didn't respond cause I was still formulating a response. She then sent me another text saying, "No response, etc...." that I took advantage of everything and that after 17 years I didn't step up at all. Also said that I talk sh*t about other people's situation. She said I was immature, irresponsible and hypocrite.
She was really trying to push my buttons and I felt I made a mistake by providing a long response. Few hours later I sent me response saying "I've always been honest about my finances and debts and with that said I was still able to provide for my part. Told her money was never an issue for us since we share on everything and she's making it seem like it was. Told her that I am paying off my debt and haven't swipe my credit card(s) for over a year. Told her that all these things she's complaining about are solvable. Told her too that she's making it seem that we never had a life when we really went places, ate everywhere, travel abroad and that we did it all by sharing. Reminded her that we had it good and everyone (our friends/acquaintances) envied us. I told her I've always been a family man, I work and go straight home to her and the boys. Mentioned to her that I even coached/trained and I did it all to make her proud. Mentioned to her I was never a hater nor judgmental about other people's hustle/situation and told her I have no clue where she got this from.
After 2 hrs, she sent me a text saying "So are you gonna man up or quit?" My response was, "what are you talking about now? Do you wanna talk in person? Maybe meet at my apt later so you can at least see my place?" To my surprise, she agreed to meet up with me. She brought the boys with her. As they arrived around 645p, I was smiling cause I was happy to see her and the boys, she was smiling/somewhat laughing but was trying to hold it. I gave her a hug but she made it seem like she didn't want it. We had a conversation, I was listening and was validating. Her concern was more about my debt - I explained myself again. The boys were hungry so I tried ordering pizza for us 4, she said you're spending some more?(not using my credit card) I said I'm just trying to be hospitable since you guys are here. She suggested why not cook something quick instead. I agreed and told her I would. She stayed for an 1 hr 15 min so around 8pm she decided to leave and told me to drop off the boys by 9pm. I told her to stay for dinner but she didn't want to. I didn't force her. That evening, she text me and asked me how I felt when she came over. Told her I was happy that I got to see her and we got a chance to talk in person. I asked what she thought about my place, she didn't reply.
The following day, I sent her a text asking if she will be dismissing her petition. She said she wouldn't and it will take more than a year for her to decide and that I still need to prove to her that I've changed, etc. She gave all these ultimatums (that I'm already doing anyway) and pretty much telling me not to get a life. My response was, I really want us to stay forever that it doesn't seem that she does. Told her what I don't understand she's making these demands and yet there's an ongoing divorce proceeding. I told her that if she really wants to end it, she doesn't need t lead me on. I told her as much as I care about her and the boys I think I'm done. I told her she was confused and she doesn't know what she wants. Told her that she's pretty much telling me "I'm divorcing you, you can't get a life, and you still need to prove yourself". Her response, you can't even do what I ask, that shows that you don't really love me. LOL
I filed my response on 4/26/19.
She came to my grandmas viewing last Sat (an hour away), I was respectful and kind. She said hi to my parents and some relatives whom we haven't seen in years. We ate dinner together and she never looked me in the eyes. She stayed for 1.5 hrs and left with my S10. My S12 rode back with me and spent the night. That evening I sent her a text saying I appreciate her coming to the viewing with no response.
I really felt I made a mistake reasoning with her. I'm back to detaching and doing the LRT.
I am sure S10 has a wonderful birthday with you and S12, and at a Japanese restaurant no less.
W not wanting to be part of it. Yeah, that sounds about typical. She is so depressed and angry she can’t even get out of her own way. MLCer’s empathy chips are broken; they can barely handle their own emotions never mind anyone else’s.
My condolences to you and your family on the passing of your Grandma.
Originally Posted by JNicolas
I really felt I made a mistake reasoning with her. I'm back to detaching and doing the LRT.
It’s ok. We have all been there.
You are a rational reasonable person, and so was your W. So was your W. She isn’t right now.
She is irrational and ruled by her emotions. Driven by her emotions. Yes, some rational thoughts will come to her, and she see them, then run from the pain and torrent - all that confusion you see from her. She has her past life, a fantasy life, and her current life all pressing inside her head. All active, just imagine if you had all that “current and present” within you. Holy cow! What a mess that would make.
Attempting to reason with her is pointless, she is just incapable of it right now. I know and understand, just how hard it is to let her be. You said lots, with good intentions, and with much love. She will pick what parts of it she wants to hear. However, trust me, she heard you. You don’t need to tell her again - she knows. And she doesn’t want to know.
You are absolutely correct when you saw her pushing your buttons. She is baiting you, to get you into an argument, to justify her actions and her running - to blame you. Even when you didn’t fully jump on the bait, she still blamed you. And her “reasons” make no sense. Might as well get used to that JN - her “reasons” will make no sense.
A lot of her talk is projection of what she is feeling. She can’t blame herself so she blames you. If you look and listen closely you will see “her” in her projections. Now, some of the stuff might hit close to home. That’s ok, look into it, and fix yourself if it is warranted. Make changes for you, and to be the best you possible.
Best way to defuse her attack - ignore it. Defending or attacking back, just doesn’t work - that barely works with rational people. Keep your responses short and business like. Besides her mind is Swiss cheese and she can’t follow a long conversation anyhow. That is just what happens with depression. She needs to come to her conclusion on her own, and in her own time.
Keep with the waiting 24 to 48 hours before responding to her. It lets you gather your thoughts and her to cool down.
And seriously, you did fine. You are in the middle of a strange weird situation; it takes a bit to figure out your bearings. You got some things off your chest, and you learned some stuff. Well done.
Focus on you and the boys.
So, how is your place? Large? Do the boys share a room, or have separate rooms? Play area? Couple of TVs or just one? With two boys I image they have a game system. I’ve got 3 sons and a daughter, so I have a pretty good idea of what you are facing. Your boys would love a Play Station. lol. So would you.
Stay strong.
DnJ
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
DnJ, I appreciate your feedback and responses as usual.
Re my place, it's a 1bd 1bath. The space is pretty big and I have 2 twin beds in the room for the boys. I sleep in the living room when they spend the night with me. I do have a PlayStation but it's at my W's home. I left if there for the boys. I will purchase another one for my own place so we all can play games like before. Last 3 nights the boys spent the night with me. This past weekend was full of homecooked meals (by yours truly), boys' basketball tournaments and of course the ongoing NBA playoffs - great games. There were moments I'd wonder what my W's currently doing but I just tell/remind myself not to care, be in the moment and enjoy the time with the boys. Today S10 left for a 2-night, 3-day trip to Catalina Island for his school field trip. I will miss my lil guy. W texted me early morning asking what time I'm dropping off S10 at home (since she will drop him off at the meet up spot), I didn't reply. W called my S12 and asked to speak with me, told her what time I'll be there and I ended the call before she did. When I dropped my S10 at home earlier, W was outside but I didn't make eye contact, I acted as if... LOL. I do miss her terribly.
Forgot to add, last Friday S10 received an award in school. He informed me 2 days prior. W and I showed up but sat away from each other. How awkward it looked for some of the teachers. Having my son go to his mom to take a pic and having to come to me so I can take my pic. W walked ahead of me, I didn't chase her nor try to talk to her at all. We just went our separate ways. Kind of a bummer our situation being like this. Sigh**
Yep. Get another PlayStation. Lol. And a couple of memory sticks for the boys to take their saved progress from home to home.
Ah, home cooked meals. And from Dad! Perfect!
I am going to assure you of something JN; me being a little further down this path. You and your kids are going to be fine, probably even great.
When my life and my kids lives changed, I was pretty scared. What the h3ll am I going to do? I am not a SAH Mom. Lots of things changed at home - the home cooked meals, the house cleaning, someone actual being here when the kids get home from school and various activities, grocery shopping, our family’s very support structure, and so on.
After 20 months I can assure you kids adjust. It is their life (and your’s), and those lives are great.
All those changes, in lifestyle, two homes (I didn’t have that one), only one parent, cleaning, shopping, sleeping, etc... become the new normal.
And as much as things changed, other things don’t change. Hmmmm....
No, I am incorrect on that!
I found, you still love your children, care for them, provide for them, and ensure they get clear of this mess. You just do it, feel it, more. You do become better! Your family, kids and you, become a tighter group, open and honest, with lots of trust and respect. It does take a little while and effort to get there. Children, teens, young adults, or still rebellious and need to lash out against authority - that’s you. However, overall things will, and do, change for the better.
When your children look back at their childhood, they will remember the sights and smells of home cooked meals, a loving home, and a wonderful and caring Dad.
The rest just fades to fact, a path that was travelled. This mess becomes unimportant, just stuff that happened. The truly important facets of our lives shine out even brighter, especially when against a dark background.
Have faith JN.
And home cooked meals.
DnJ
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
lol. So would you.