...upon our return from a 3 week trip from SE Asia, she did a 180 on me, saying she's unhappy, not in-love, doesn't know herself anymore and wants to find herself, etc. Of course all the blame of her unhappiness is pointed at me, bringing up stuff I did 15-17 yrs ago (no infidelity). I also feel that she did have a poor upbringing. I witnessed it myself. Her dad is a heavy drinker in the past, all he does after work is drink with his buddies, doesn't spend time with her mom. I figured he's been like this since my W and her siblings were young. He'd work and just drink, doesn't spend time with the family. I feel like they were neglected hence the poor coping skills especially going through this hormonal changes.
Your W is unhappy. You can take that as a given. Now she she sees greener pastures elsewhere. Again normal. Anything she does is to seek her happiness. There is nothing wrong with that motivation. We all should strive for happiness. However during this crisis, she will do almost anything to seek her own happiness. That is the biggest problem as she will be blinded to others and the affects of her actions on them.
So why is the grass so pale on your side of the fence. That is something that you need to figure out. From your posts, you seem aware of some aspects that could have contributed. I would urge you to dig deeper and to see more. But take your time to assess this and put actions in place to change what needs to be changed. I say this because unfortunately I suspect you have along time ahead of you before she will truly see your changes. That does not mean you shouldn't change.
A good starting point is often her list of complaints or the things she blames you for. Where her issues are justified, you can take appropriate steps to improve. Where not justified, you can let them pass. A word of warning though, here we often read about a WAS complaining about ONE specific issue (or small group of issues) but once that is no longer the case, they state another as being THE MAIN reason for their unhappiness with you.
It is almost classic for her to have an affair and then say its not too late for you to make up for what YOU did! She feels justified because she feels she has been hard done by by you. This is her point of view. Whereas I find it reassuring that she says it isn't too late, I would be wary of her mindset. I don't believe she is ready to reconnect with you. BUT she has left the door open to that possibility. Time will tell how genuine that statement is, but for now use the words of CADET to guide you: Believe nothing she says and only half of what she does.
Actions speak louder than words. And she has filed for D. That in itself changes nothing for you, but does mean she is a little surer of what she wants than she said.
Normally I would advise to stay put in the house. But in this case it's her house with her mom, Plus she works from home. The two key elements to saving your M are to give her TIME and SPACE. Only you can decide the best way to give her those.
But if you do find somewhere for you and the boys, she will have more time to herself. Of course she may use that time to seek her happiness in ways you prefer her not to, but it is truly the best way to get through this. You cannot control what she will do, but you can remove yourself from the equation. Only when she can no longer blame you and still not achieve true happiness, will she have the opportunity to realise that it isn't about you at all.
I wish you luck and courage. As for her text, there is no need to reply. However I would seek legal advice. Best to be forewarned and forearmed.
Your stance needs to be that as long as there is a third person in the R, it is not possible for you to even consider a possible R with her. Don't be pulled in on the D. Don't oppose it or even say you are against it. Offer the path of least resistance, BUT do not do anything to help the D and do not let her walk over you. Hence the need for legal advice.
Best wishes
R 25 years M 14 years S11 & S13 Working on it alone since Oct 2014 M in trouble a lot earlier (~2 years) Feb 2016. 1st R chat in a yr. Next R chat Aug'17 Still together
roist: I thank you so much for all of your advice and words of encouragement. I apologize for not responding right away. About a week ago, I was approved on an apt about 4 miles from my W's residence; been busy with the move this past weekend. The boys and I are pretty happy now that we have another happy place.
Here's an update re the D, as I went over the summons and requests, etc., I see that she's seeking full/physical custody of the kids and she listed time spent with the boys were 75% with her 25% with me (in which I don't agree). I reminded her (via text) that this is between me and her; how she's unhappy, not in-love with me and how she wants to end it with me. Told her that I respected her decision for her to be happy and that the issue is not between me and the boys. I suggested that on the summons, she should've put joint custody 50/50 instead. She said she put full custody 75/25 for now. I replied by saying, "for what reason though?" Hence in my response to the summons, I will request joint custody 50/50. A mediation is set in 1.5 months.
That being said, I informed her that I was approved on an apt and that we should have joint custody of the boys and 50/50 on everything. I also told her that no spousal support and no child support needed since we both can provide for the boys on our own. She replied by saying, "Fyi, you don't have to respond. That's why we have a mediator meeting. We can try to talk about it there". My response was, "It's best to have an agreement outside court. Then we can provide the court with our proposed agreement." I also added, "It was your decision to end it with me. We deserve equal rights/time with our boys for their best interest. Let's not make a big fuss out of it. It's all about them now".
I also sent her another text giving her the address of the apt and welcoming her to come at my new place with no response.
You are trying to rationalize w/someone who isn't completely rationale. The more you try to explain to her how things should be, the more she's going to dig in. If you only get 25 percent custody, as she is suggesting, you may need to provide child support to her for the 25% of the time you wouldn't get under her so called plan.
She may drive by where your apt. is, but I would be surprised if she actually stepped into the place. Right now, she's on a mission and that is to end it w/you and jump over that fence to where she thinks the grass is greener.
I wouldn't attempt to discuss anything more w/her. The best way to handle all of this now is through the courts. She's not going to listen to you. It's frustrating, but again, the more you attempt to reason w/her, the more she's going to dig in and fight you all the way to the court house.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Please do not communicate with her. It is tempting. She will endure much more than you can handle, because she's out to lunch. I, and others here, have all been there. She has inability to rationalize things and wants nothing to do with anyone by herself. I would especially refrain from doing any of this via text message. It will only come back to haunt you. Some things are easy to take out of context and could be posed as threats. Continue to gather any documents you can regarding assets, finances, etc, be there for the kids...you're in for a long, bumpy ride.
job and hamburg: Thank you both for the reminder. I just can't help it sometimes. I tend to forget that she's not her normal self. It is quite a bumpy ride indeed (and getting bumpier).
I just miss my family being together like how it was. All these changes are going too fast for me. Sigh.
Hi JNicolas. I know it's tempting. I fall into that trap, too. Listen to the wise ones here. : )
ironically, my H was always fond of saying "don't try to reason with unreasonable people". It definitely applies here. i agree with Job and Hamburg 100%. And I understand the temptation to have a reasonable convo with your W, but she isn't her anymore.
Sounds like you are really getting it all together. You are giving your kids a gift by taking care of business and focusing on what is best for them.
Re: no response from the W about the apartment. I go through that a lot too. No responses. I've learned to share less, ask less, and expect less. It's been freedom in a can.
Take care of yourself and kids.
ME47 XH44, S28 S24 S19
8/17-BD IHS: 1/17-2/19 D FILED (ME): 7/19 D FINAL: 10/20 M23 T25 OW CONFIRMED: 01/21
Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.
job and hamburg: Thank you both for the reminder. I just can't help it sometimes. I tend to forget that she's not her normal self. It is quite a bumpy ride indeed (and getting bumpier).
I just miss my family being together like how it was. All these changes are going too fast for me. Sigh.
Thing is, you are accustomed to having an argument, making up and carrying on as usual. This will not be the case for the foreseeable future. Don't take any bait, keep quiet and work on yourself. Keep expectations to zero. It cuts deep when you send a text or say something nice and get nothing in return. I'm 8 months post BD and still get ghosted, even with normal day-to-day type conversations. Now, we are in a nuclear war so that is to be expected. It's hard but you will make it out a better person.
You are receiving some very good advice. Remember keep the focus on you and the kids. This is indeed a bumpy ride. Do know that it does smooth out, and will be better.
How are you sleeping? Do you get through the entire night yet?
Stay strong, you’re doing fine.
DnJ
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
Hamburg: I appreciate you as always. Hope all goes well with your sitch.
DnJ: Thanks once again! I honestly take everyone's advice here to the heart.
In regard to my sleeping pattern, I pass out pretty fast, but I do notice that when I move, I'm subconsciously thinking about my current situation and it's saddening. I just try to remind myself to accept that this is my faith and all I can really do is pray, focus on myself, my boys and my work. About a week ago, my wife sent me a text saying she's taking the boys out of town from 4/19-4/21. My lil one turns 10 on 4/16. Today she sent me a text informing me that she changed the schedule of their trip to 4/12/-4/14. I mentioned to her last week that my eldest was invited to compete in a basketball tournament this coming weekend. I guess she ignored that part. Sigh.
