Hi All. Hope everyone is having a good day. It's my 1st time posting here and I've been reading and learning a lot from the community this past 2 months.
Here's my story:
My W, our 2 sons and I went for a 3 week trip to attend a wedding on Dec 2018 through Jan 2019 in Southeast Asia (this was our 2nd trip out there in 14 months). A week upon our return, my W wasn't herself, would act very cold towards me and wouldn't initiate any conversation. When I told her that she's been acting cold/weird towards me lately, she admitted that she's been unhappy, say she's not in love with me anymore, saying she doesn't know herself and wants to find herself and then the BD. I asked her what's making her unhappy and of course all the blame was on me. All she brings up are the bad stuff I did 15 yrs ago (no infidelity). We've been together for 17 years (12.5 yrs married) and had so much good memories together especially with our children. In the past 3 yrs we've been in this routine re our 2 boys' basketball training program (where I also train/coach) - 3 days a week of training and tourney events on the weekends all year long. I made sure that at least 1x a week, we get to spend time together just the two of us. I even suggested we should take a break from the boys' bball program cause it's messing up our psyche.
When she dropped the bomb on me, I was really trying to get an idea about what's going on cause she's just willing to end everything with a snap of a finger with no regard about myself or our children's emotions. I've apologized again about how I made her feel in the past, told her that we can work things out like always but it seems as though she had fully given up. I gave her a lot of space to think this through, she would always leave me with the boys so I started focusing on them more and being more productive hoping that she'll notice. She's adamant that I let her go, I told her that I can't simply give up on our family and even suggested we talk to a family therapist which her reply was a big NO. She then started sleeping in the living room. I started doing tons of research and it led me to believe that she's going through a MLC. She became very irritable, irrational, emotionally abusive, and doesn't want me around at all. She decided to kick me out of the house on 3/8/19 and didn't give me ample time to find a place to stay. I respected her decision and left even if it's hard for me and the boys since we're used to always being together. All this time, we shared everything re the finances of our family. Two days before kicking me out, she tried to make a deal saying "if you would've paid for all of our bills, I would've given us a chance", I replied by saying if that's what'll take for our family to be intact, I'll be willing to do so. Her response to me was pure disrespect, she said for me to do all that but I still gotta leave on 3/8/19. I told her how do you expect me survive on my own if I'm paying for everything? How am I gonna support myself with no roof above my head? Her reply was, "I guess that's a no".
All this time I think there's a 3rd party involved. She's been constantly on her phone texting someone using Snapchat these past few months (an app where text messages don't get saved). When I try to peek she'll try to hide it. I asked if she was having an affair and of course she will not admit to that. As I backtracked when we we're on vacation, she'd rather stay in the room and not mingle with my relatives. Couple of times I catch her texting someone and I asked who it was, her response was either her bestfriend or coworkers. I've already had my suspicion on who it was (the program director of our boys' bball program who's also married with 3 kids). The night she kicked me out, my W took the kids to Skyzone (a trampoline park), this is where my eldest son saw her texting the OP on Snapchat, kind of updating him where they were that evening. My son sent me a text concerning this. I appreciated him for telling me. I really thought the OP was a true friend and my comrade since we coached together and we've been fully committed to his program for 3 yrs. He acts religious, full of integrity and dignity. Little did I know these were all lies and he has taken advantage of my wife's vulnerability as of late. I decided to question my wife concerning this, telling her that everything she does leads to this OP. She then decided to take the home and room keys from me and banning me from entering the house; saying if I come in, she will throw all my stuff away. She's in full denial and says I should stop assuming. I had a chance speak to my eldest about what he sent me via text and I told him I'm proud of him for letting me know. I also talked to him about "disrespect and trust". My eldest son even told me that he notices his mom acting weird/awkward towards the OP every time they're around each other. I asked him what he meant by this, he said that his mom is a bit giggly and always laughs at his jokes. I told my son that we're quitting that program since we've been back-stabbed and we can't tolerate that. I told him that your teammates will always be your friends and that I'll find him and his younger brother another program we can join. I decided to send a text msg to that so called friend of mine (the OP) and let him know how me and my boys felt back-stabbed and disrespected by his actions and taking advantage of my wife's/their mother's vulnerability, also letting him know that we're done with his program. His response was, "I'm sorry and that was text from a long time ago, I commented on one of her videos". I even told him to stop communicating with my wife. Since I brought this up to my W how we're quitting that bball program, she became enraged and wondered why I did that and how selfish I was, etc. I told her ask the boys if they still want in, she asked them and the boys says NO more with that program. After she heard all this, she became more demanding and started to limit my time with the boys. Since I coach and train too, I decided to work with my boys myself at a park nearby daily. I still drop them off to school and pick them up from home after work so we can train together and eat dinner together. Mind you, when we're in that bball program, a lot of times we get home around 930pm. She started demanding that I bring the boys home before 9. I told her, "I respect you not wanting me around but you can't limit my time with the boys. Limiting my time with them is not in their best interest when you're well aware they're used to having me around. Because of your selfishness, you're stressing myself and our children which we all do not deserve". Also, I found out the OP does Uber after practice (late nights). Lately, I've been staying at my Uncle's house (dad's bro) since I got kicked out which is just 5 min away. There are nights where I'd swing by the house after 10 pm and our SUV wasn't there. She'd always leave the boys when they're asleep. Now I see why she wants them home at a certain time. The 1st time I saw this, I sent her a text saying, "now I know why you don't want me around, so you can start fooling around when the children are sleeping". 2 nights ago my eldest was still awake, he told me the following morning that his mom left around 10pm. Also, last night I was at my buddy's house down the street, I passed by around 1130p and the SUV is not in the driveway again. Although my in-laws are there, I don't think it's right for her to leave them. I do feel like her and the OP are meeting up somewhere late at night.
A little back story: We live at her parents house (where she grew up). Her mom has Parkinson's disease (PD) for over a decade now and her dad's retired so he can take of her mom (we all live at the same house). Also about a little over a decade ago, we did a home improvement work that's why we're there helping them pay majority of their mortgage loan. My W also works from home 4 days a week - 10 hr shifts the past 3 years. After work, she'll pick up the boys from school, help them with their homework, preparing our dinner, taking the boys to practice (then I'll meet them there at practice since I get off work much later than she does). As you know, taking care of someone that has PD is really hard and draining. With all the continuous repetitive requests to stand up, lay down, go to the bathroom, etc, we noticed it was a bit hard and frustrating for my father in law (FIL). You can hear them nag each other daily. Since my wife works from home, I already know that she hears their bickering all day long. Although my FIL might get frustrated at times, I know for a fact that she loves my mother in law (MIL). I do think that this also had an effect on my W. I also feel that the reason why she has all the courage to kick me out since it's not really "our" house - it's theirs. Even my FIL, MIL, sister and brother in laws try to talk to my W, but all she does is ignore everybody. Just really self-centered lately
I've been doing the LRT the last 10 days. 2 days ago she text me telling me to let her know what my plans are with the boys. I didn't reply after 2 hours and said you know our routine, we train then eat dinner. She then asked when I will find a new program for them. I said that's not in my priority list, my priority is to get situated (currently looking for an apt). I also said, we still train religiously - work is work. Today she sent me a text saying she filed for divorce, that I can get all my stuff and rent a storage until I find my own place. She also added, that "The door is still open for you, you just have to prove it" which I think is illogical knowing you're having an affair but yet leading me on. I ignored her text today. I really don't know what to do. HELP!!!
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Me (37 turning 38) W (38 turning 39) T = 17 yrs M = 12.5 yrs S = (12 turning 13) S = (9 turning 10) BD = Jan 2019 W filed for D = 3/29/19
Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support)
I have read a good deal of books on the subject and can give you some suggestions when you are ready.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
I will give you a bunch of homework assignments to read.
This POST is under reconstruction and we will be working on this as time goes by, this is the most current version.
Now you have all the tools to read. Let us know how your doing and if you have any questions.
I suggest that you read the entire thread in the resources. You can also pick out some people and read their whole story.
Depression is the key to the whole thing and it is always present!
Believe none of what he/she says and 50% of what he/she does.
I would not ask him/her anything unless you can have no expectations. Sometimes asking them questions will be thought of as pressure. You do not want to do anything that can be thought of by your H/W as controlling or pressure.
Lets not worry about him/her. Lets work on you! Start your homework assignments. Something to DO while you are on moderation. GAL. Eat, sleep, exercise and take a deep breath. In general take care of your self first.
Detach the single most important thing to DO.
Your H/W has given you a gift THE GIFT OF TIME use it wisely
I have been there in a similar situation. I would think she has been planning this for some time and gathered strength while you were gone. You did not do anything wrong, despite her claims. I would suggest:
-Get back in the house. You may stand to lose ground with custody. Sleep on the couch if you have to. In my state my wife could not ask me to leave. If she asks you to watch the kids while she goes out, hire a PI. Collect as much evidence as possible WHILE remaining absolutely silent, no matter how much it hurts.
-hire an attorney. Do not get caught off guard if this moves swiftly. File for temporary orders ASAP. this protects assets, spending, custody arrangements etc....if you do not move back in.
-collect all financial information and make copies. Freeze any joint credit cards you can. An MLC person with carte blanche access can destroy you financially.
-find whatever coping mechanisms you can...gym, church, friends.
-do everything you can for the kids. They will need you badly.
Your W is quite mixed up. She is angry, confused, lashing out, making demands, baiting you to start an argument, being very disrespectful, and so on and so on. All pretty standard stuff unfortunately.
During a midlife crisis that person is irrational and has their emotions cranked to 11. They will become the complete opposite of who they were. They are dealing, well actually not dealing with... They are suffering from past trauma(s) and very poor coping skills, usually from their childhood experiences. They is nothing you can do for them. You did breaker her, you can’t fix her.
She needs space and time to sort herself out. That has very little to do with you or your kids. She will take whatever space and time she needs. You have already seen that; she filed for D. Stop all conversations regarding your relationship with her, that just pushes her away. She can’t deal with herself, she most definitely cannot deal with anyone or anything else.
JN, focus on you and your kids. Keep your focus there. Your kids will need you very very much. And you will need you. Let your W be. And just breathe.
Her path is a long one, and the path you’ve been forced into is not short either. This is a marathon, not a sprint. You have a gift of time, use it well.
Hamburg has given you some very good advice. Move back in, and seek legal counsel. Keep your mouth shut when around her and do not take the bait.
As difficult as it is, treat the D or separation as a business deal. Keep emotions out of it, and “think” things through. Listen to your L; you are hurting and can make poor decisions or ones you would not normally make.
I know how counterintuitive all this feels. Read posts, listen to the caring people and their hard earned wisdom.
Focus and you.
Breathe.
You will get through this.
DnJ
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
Hamburg and DnJ: I appreciate both of you. As a matter of fact, we do not have any joint accounts at all but do share/pay everything as far our bills are concerned. Although, she did ask that we separate our cellphone bills and car insurance bill lately. Which I don't actually agree but still did. Also, we live with her parents, that's the reason why she has the full courage of kicking me out even if her parents disagree with her decision. As much as I wanna stay, I feel like if I'm putting more pressure if I do stay. I just want to show her that I respect her if she doesn't want me around. I have been talking to my colleague who's an atty. who also went through a divorce but it doesn't involve a MLC.
Yes, I have been focusing on myself and the children lately and I'm just GAL.
If this is a midlife crisis, unfortunately this is a long journey you are embarking on - whether you decide to stand or not. I stood for a while, but then made the difficult decision that for mine and my children’s well being that I couldn’t anymore...but that doesn’t mean the journey is over. I still want XH to get through this and be a good dad and live a happy life. And I still have my own issues I’m working through.
I know at the beginning I just wanted things back the way they were. I would bend over backwards, making promises, anything to get him to change his mind. It doesn’t work. Even if she were to return in the short term, it’s out of guilt, or maybe a brief moment of clarity. If they come back quickly, they did not do the work to get through the crisis, they will do it again.
Sorry to be blunt, because I know you’re grieving and you want your life back and you love your wife, but you need to know that the marriage you once had is gone. Maybe your wife make it through this crisis and you guys will reconnect down the road, maybe she’ll live in this replay stage forever, maybe she’ll make it through still decide she doesn’t want the life she had. There is no way to know. But for now you have to act as if this is over. Fake it til you make it. Think of yourself and your children only. Make intelligent, well thought out decisions that benefit you. I’m not saying go out of your way to be a dick to your wife...but she will use you and take advantage of you if you let her, so don’t do things because you think it will make her see the light. This crisis is about her, not you. You didn’t break her and you can’t fix her.
If Your name is on the deed/mortgage, I would try to get back in the house. Make sure you are seeing your boys no less than 50% of the time. Get your fare share of everything. Get a new bank account if you have joint accounts. If she has a card on your credit card account, cancel it. See a lawyer, get an agreement in place. Take your focus off your wife’s shenanigans, don’t snoop or find out more than you need to. It just hurts and it doesn’t change anything. It will backfire.
I know this is so extremely difficulty, and likely the hardest thing you will ever go through in your life. Things are going to get harder for a long while before they start to get easier. Find one or two really close friends or a counsellor you can confide in. Be vague with mutual friends and family. Try not to rant and share every detail of your wife’s crisis with anyone that will listen. To me, it will make reconciliation harder. Also, for example if she felt like the kids teachers, friends, whatever, were making judgment on her, it will make her withdraw and cut ties even more. This will likely happen anyway.
You will think that everything I say doesn’t apply to you. You will make mistakes. It’s ok, we all do it. Don’t be hard on yourself, don’t blaim yourself for this mess. Do a lot of self reflection, but be kind to yourself...you are not the monster your wife is making you out to be and you didn’t ruin her life.
That’s my two cents, 2 years after my own bomb drop. And again sorry to be blunt, I hope I am not coming off as emotionless. Trust me, I was a hot mess for a long time. I couldn’t sleep or eat. I lost 40 pounds in 6 months. As soon as the kids were asleep I cried and paced the halls for hours every night. But I promise you it will get better eventually. Just try not to get sucked into her BS.
I agree completely with the above. I have put my faith in this place and the advice here is as expert-like as you can get. The folks on here are absolute saints.
If your wife is indeed in MLC there are plenty of resources here. As a side note, her mom's PD may have been what precipitated this (in addition to some childhood trauma). If you can, try and support the family to the best of your ability. It is a terrible, progressive disease and seeing the decline may have her progress deeper through the tunnels.
Be prepared for a bumpy ride. MLC folks will do things you NEVER thought possible--drugs, affairs with unsavory people, stealing/hiding money or property, neglecting kids and family. I don't think Hollywood's best writers could tackle some of this stuff. That smart, sensible person you love can become irrational and may shun family, friends, your kids and anyone else who gets in her way. She may surround herself with anyone who doesn't disagree with her choices.
More advice (from my personal experience):
-if you absolutely cannot move back in, get possession of the kids as much as possible. Work on getting a stable environment for them to stay with you. This will benefit them in the long run, and help you with potential custody agreements. They seem to know something is wrong and now their stability (at least for the near future) will depend on you.
-Document everything. Times she is coming home late (if you can), things the kids tell you (do not pry though), threats, irrational statements,who is watching the kids, school attendance when kids are in her possession, etc... With that said, DO NOT SNOOP. It will wear you down emotionally and some forms of snooping are illegal. Do not confront or talk to the OM. Just let it be. Learn to detach.
-She is in a teenage mindset. Do not believe any of what she says and half of her actions, they may be discordant. Do not beg or plead with her. Emotional conversations will happen at some point but the hangover from them can be disastrous for your well-being. She is in this for herself and herself only. Be suspicious of any sudden niceness--it means she wants something or has a brief moment of clarity. For me, a week of clarity led an early reconciliation and it failed miserably after one month. When she says something irrational, DO NOT reply with a rational statement. Use general phrases like "that must be difficult for you" or "I'm sorry you feel that way." She will throw daggers and any arguments will further justify her feelings for you. Stay upbeat and fake it until you make it. I spent many times happy and upbeat around her then fell apart in the shower or in a private spot at work.
-Protect yourself. I hated when people told me this. It felt like it was just something they said to be nice. It is much deeper than financially though. Your actions need to be focused on yourself and the kids. Whatever your outlet is, use it. For me it was the gym and church. Texts for visitation (prior to temp orders) are important. Try to NOT discuss other elements (money, property, alimony, etc...) in writing, she is out to lunch and you must stay focused. Stay as focused as possible at work and do not slip.
Most importantly, regardless of the outcome you will both become different people. Moving on (emotionally, romantically, physically) will be difficult. You will get through this a new and better person. Become the person she would be a fool to leave--not for her, but for YOU. There are phases to this and will not be overnight. Just know that you will be ok in the end.
I am really sorry you are going through this right now.
I am not convinced your W is in MLC I think she is just wayward right now. You should ask to have your thread moved to the Newcomers thread you will get more advice there.
The advice for a MLCer and the wayward runaway is the same. Protect yourself, your assets and financial stuff, keep the focus on you and your family. Leave them alone as much as possible to figure things out. You cannot rationalize w/someone who is in the throes of thinking life is greener on the other side.
Did anything in particular happen prior to the BD? Say 18-24 months ago?
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Eden, thank you for your bluntness. I've actually accepted that this is my faith.
Hamburg, I appreciate you and I agree, everyone here are experts.
LNH, thanks for your concern and suggestion.
job, Thank you as well. Nothing really happened the past 2 years. We were traveling a lot, eating out a lot, doing things with the kids, just a normal happy family. We've been too involved with our 2 boys' basketball training; winning championships almost every week, all year long.
