Dealing with a complex MLC and/or Wayward Wife #2

[97Hope]

Hi P_Jam.

I read your conversation and all I can say is, it happened. Try not to second-guess yourself. You said what you felt you needed to say. Whether it helped the sitch or not is like chasing the wind. This, aLL of this, is a process. You will get it right sometimes and get it wrong. I think it's important to remember that you are doing your best with a terrible situation.

My H moved out Feb. 1. It hurts. It's hard, but I promise you will have good days, too. I don't know that it's a sanctioned DB practice, but what I do when I'm sad is focus on the good. For instance, when I'm driving home, if S17 is home, I focus on that. How I get to hang out with the coolest S on the planet (seriously, he really is). When S17 will not be home (he's with H tonight). I treat myself to whatever I want for dinner. Tonight it's watermelon. I focus on the fact that I can put my PJ's on early, eat whatever the heck I want and do whatever the heck I want. I choose each day to find the good. Most days, it REALLY helps. There are still hard days, but it has gotten better. And the waves don't hit me so hard and they don't feel so big.

Hang in there, take care of yourself, and do things for you right now. There is some really amazing advice to be had here. but again, if you blow it, (and we all do sometimes) forgive yourself and move forward.
All the best to you.

[P_Jam]

Thanks Hope! That's really nice and good advice! And i used it today without thinking.. I have my 2 sons and to stay busy we went shopping and bought them some new shoes. That really helped my day!

[P_Jam]

Question - Quick! I need to respond.

So W and I had some good exchanges through text yesterday (all about the kids) she is taking them out of town for a night and I'm working from home so I told her I would keep them longer this morning while she went to the dentist, etc.

Also discussed how we could do S5's birthday here at the house and have her family over. So all in all decent amount of communication but all about the kids.

Then later that night she texts me with an issue with her cable/DVR not recording and asked if I had seen the issue before. It was about the kids bedtime that this came in, so I just ignored it. Felt this was something she should just solve on her own.

But then this morning she texts: "Hi, So are you purposely no responding to my text?"

Obviously yes, but what is the right response that sends the correct message without starting an unnecessary fight?

[LH19]

P,

These are tough calls.

I personally would have answered her when she texted.

Answer, don't answer it doesn't change anything.

Having said that you are perfectly in the right to communicate to her that she fired you as her BF and that she should not contact you for things that do not involve finances or the kids.

The problem is it can come off as being petty and pouty and you are trying to punish her. If that is how she viewed your behavior in the past it is just more of the same.

[P_Jam]

Hmm I guess kind of what I thought...

However, it is important to understand that from an electronics standpoint I have been her go to person. I also took the step of moving her work computer and setting it up at her new place for her on the last day she moved out. While there I fixed the Xbox and Nintendo switch for the kids as well. (don't mind doing the kids stuff). But yes, I hate that I'm still "that guy" while OM's get the rest of her. Yes, it is also a little bit of punishment - but more about letting her know I've been "fired". Although I have used it in the past.

Just responded with: "I noticed it well after you sent it, figured you would have just resolved on your own. Check just now and my DVR is working fine".

Should cover all bases I guess

[AnotherStander]

I agree with LH, go ahead and answer because if you don't it will come off as petty to her. You said you shared "some good exchanges through text" so you don't want to suddenly go quiet because then it looks intentional.

As a general rule of thumb, you should reply to some texts right away, others an hour or two later, and others (if it's nothing important) not at all. The idea is to look like you are a busy person that's not always immediately available. Now if she knows you are just sitting at home then there's no point, if you don't reply it just looks petty. The idea is to make her think "hmmm I wonder what he's up to" not "I know he's just sitting there ignoring my messages, what a tool."

[LH19]

I get it and I have no problem with you making clear that your “not that guy anymore”.

I think you’ll find down the road that you won’t care anymore and just answer her on your time.

Remember this is a marathon and right now you are about a mile into the race.

[P_Jam]

Yep I get it.. I think it all worked out. I think I was able to convey the message that I'm not always available but still friendly. Thanks to both of your comments. It could have screwed this one up.... Cause I was thinking about texting back "I'm not that guy for you anymore" - but I think this early in the S (move out) would have been received as petty and punishment.

The fact that she had to go all night, then ask me if I did it on purpose means that she was thinking about it anyway. Not that makes a difference or should matter to me - but at this point it does. Small crisis averted and back to figuring out how to do do all of this. Next 2 days will be my first all alone (as she as the kids). Good warm up, cause I get them for the weekend but then after that we are on normal schedule where I will be going on 5 day stretches without them every other week.

[LH19]

PJ,

My guess is you are going to play more golf then you ever have in your entire life this year. Lol

[Twofeet]

Then later that night she texts me with an issue with her cable/DVR not recording and asked if I had seen the issue before. It was about the kids bedtime that this came in, so I just ignored it. Felt this was something she should just solve on her own.

But then this morning she texts: "Hi, So are you purposely no responding to my text?"

Obviously yes, but what is the right response that sends the correct message without starting an unnecessary fight?

My XW likes to text me late at night. This is what I do. I don't respond to her texts after the kids bedtimes. If I do find it worth responding to, I do so in the morning. Night-time texts and calls are for emergencies only. If she can't figure it out through your actions you may need to tell her your boundary.