Dealing with a complex MLC and/or Wayward Wife #2

[LH19]

I'm bothered by the fact that she can continue to say that "you're not the victim"

She's not going to walk around town saying you know what PJ was the best husband/BF ever. He was kind, generous, loving, great dad, funny, spontaneous etc.

How in the h$ll could she justify to everyone (including your kids someday) that she was leaving you to tramp around town? Of course she will paint you as the victim. It's your choice to act like the victim.

No one will every say or make you feel a way that you don't allow them to.

[P_Jam]

LH,

Again I appreciate your directness. I get it, I may be a victim but only if I accept it. I guess the goal/point is to get to a point where I don't feel like one?

Regarding control: Fully accept your criticism and agree. This is one MAJOR issue I am working on with IC. I was taught at a young age (through my parents divorce) when I had to take on the role of 'parent' to control situations. I had no other skills/tools to deal with the crisis and was thrust into a role I shouldn't have been. <-- no excuse, just fact. I need to resolve this. I would also say that the general control issue is also affecting my overall ability to detach right now. But I'm curious how/why my comments made this so obvious to you? Which part? The snooping (which a lot of done), or the need to 'get this off my chest'. Generally speaking I'm sure it's a combination - but I would guess you're referring to me NEEDING to have my 'conversation' with her? A more mature individual really would not have this need?

I've dealt with crisis all my life, a lot because I've even learned to create crisis to then 'solve'. I ruminate and always feel like I should be doing something. Very little stillness.

I'm also sure that i had some control issues in my relationship over the years, but I am having a harder time identifying them. Early on in our relationship I had trust issues. But she did a great job in helping me get over that (as well as jealousy). When I reflect on our issues I find that I was more controlling in the sense of NGS and covert contracts, etc. More about not being upfront with my needs and using more of a manipulation to get what I wanted. So not in the same sense that I feel the 'control' problem right now. For example; It has been extremely tough for me to stop snooping. I I'm felling withdrawals - but have this NEED to always know what is going on. I know stopping the snooping and facing this head on is part of resolving this issue - but doesn't mean it's easy. But i did not snoop or watch my wife, or control what/where/when she went in ANY way. It's not even a BD complaint. Mostly that I was 'moody' and she often felt like she was walking on eggshells around me. This was more of the NGS as described above and a way for me to feel emotionally protected. Not necessarily the same type of control issues you so rightly identified. So i'm really looking for your insight and any suggestions.

[LH19]

It's just a sixth sense I have now after reading hundreds of sitches.

I think that now that you are starting to understand that this is not going to play itself over night your'e realizing you have time to work on yourself and see how this plays out.

My ex broke down in our first MC appointment saying "I always feel like I am walking on eggshells." That's when I first realized this wasn't going to be fixed anytime soon. My needs weren't being met and I was passive aggressive which I wasn't even aware of the term at that point.

Four and a half years ago I went to stay at my friends for a night after I found out about my exs EA. I thought it would be fixed and everything would go back to normal by the end of the weekend. Four and a half years later I am still getting use to my new normal.

[P_Jam]

wow, 4.5yrs? Have you 'moved on' even though you would still recon? Dating? How old are the kids? Do you still consider yourself actively DB'ing? or just living 'normal' now with hope that she'll come around some day?

I'm sure you can tell it's been rough couple of days for me. Today especially and for the first time I really can't identify it. It's just this under current. I'm leaving tomorrow for 7 day golf trip. Have really been looking forward to getting away, but today I can't feel that excitement. I don't feel too ''worried" about the trip, I'm pretty sure I'll relax a little tomorrow once I'm on the road. It's probably because when I return is when she moves out. last week I was really looking forward to her moving, my mind was on the projects/space and solitude of not looking at her every day.

Just had another 'talk' with her as we were on our way to our son's school where he received an award. She wants to go to the apartment again tonight to finish putting together furniture (like she did last night but came home drunk as well). It' just got under my skin. And I just sighed and said "man I cann't wait until I have some space". She said: "we'll that wasn't necessary". I told her I didn't mean to be rude, but its just so tiring to deal with whole process of moving out over an entire month. I know that's probably what she is doing (having wine with a friend and finishing the apartment) but it's just so exhausting to think/wonder what she's doing/thinking. What could have been? It seems easy for her right now, even though she says it's not.

Anyway, I'm only guessing the timing is what's going on inside of me. But I really don't know.. Up until this point I've always been able to identify what issue/situation is affecting which emotion. today is just BLAH! It's days like today that I want to reach down and find "anger". So that I can think of her as a worthless slut, be disgusted by the image in my head and hate her. But I've have yet to feel any hate. Remorse, anger, DISAPPOINTMENT, anxiety all come rushing in daily - but not hate. I do look at her differently, when she's naked in the bathroom or something I find myself finding pieces that aren't attractive and trying to build off that so that I can try to find more hate. But I have to work on it. She's the mother of my children and she's done great at that (up until now).

Welp.. so it's a bad day. I have another shot tomorrow! Thanks for the chat.

[LH19]

I have moved on and I am dating in fact I have a date on Sunday with a WAW. I DB every day but that has nothing to do with my ex and is a way of life. I wouldn't say I hope she comes around I would just say if she did I would have a decision to make. My kids are 14 and 10 are doing great. Minor hiccups in the beginning but none lately. I will be divorced a year next week.

It's easy for her because most likely she checked out years ago and is over it. Plus right now she knows she can have you back at any minute. There is no risk involved. Like Accuray said in the beginning she is going to enjoy her new found freedom.

You are going to have good days and bad days but I promise you how you feel right now won't last forever. One day at a time my friend.

[P_Jam]

Alright, up a little early before kids football and getting on the road for my trip. Wanted to give a quick update from yesterday. Feeling a bit better this morning, not quite the excitement I had hoped to feel but definitely not the BLAH I was yesterday. Had a couple beers last night with a buddy as well as talked it out with some family.

I think I"m actually starting to grieve. I think all the information and help on this board has started to get me to accept the amount of time this will take. And the reality is really setting in that this relationship is over. At least that is the direction I'm going now. In REALITY this relationship has probably been over for a very long time. I'm STARTING to actually accept this fact, and I think next week when she's out - I'll be spending my time alone actually processing some of that much more deeply. Although I can still picture a future and have some hope, I'm also wanting to understand how I move forward. And for me, I believe detachment and letting go will be directly tied to accepting this is over. Anything that MIGHT happen in the future with her is not only out of my control, but I'm not sure I want to 'wish' for it anymore. After a good talk last night; I"m thinking that any recon would be better years down the road anyway. After we've both actually moved on and then MAYBE another relationship starts up more organically (essentially less rebuilding of issues we're dealing with now and more just naturally starting over.)

I think I want this closure - I know I want this closure. I love her, but I really 'shouldn't' want her right now. She doesn't want me. As I've said many time throughout my thread - I think this means (for me) that I start moving on (not just letting go) but actually accepting the fact that I need to get myself to a point that I'm able to start looking a other relationships. In other words.. There is NO WAITING for me in this detachment. This eliminates DB as a game/strategy and only a way of life - as LH has said. This mindset really allows me to not care and not let her affect my feelings. I want to stop trying to think that recon is the best outcome. It probably isn't - and regardless it can't be forced.

Well that's how I feel today. It seems simple, I know in practice it will be a little harder - but if I can actually keep the 'mindset' it's almost like DB'ing comes naturally - since I now understand how this works. And knowing that any short term texts/temperature checks/calls from her in the next 2 months (at least) are only to help her feel more secure in plan B. So I move forward with no thought of anything. She's on her own, AND SO AM I!

I'm gone for 7 days. Will still be checking this thread for any good adviCe as well reading others for motivation. If I get a chance I will check in.

see you on the other side.

PJ

[sandi2]

I was taught at a young age (through my parents divorce) when I had to take on the role of 'parent' to control situations. I had no other skills/tools to deal with the crisis and was thrust into a role I shouldn't have been. <-- no excuse, just fact. I need to resolve this. I would also say that the general control issue is also affecting my overall ability to detach right now.

Detaching is letting go of the control. It is dropping the rope you have tied around her. You can't detach and hold on to the rope.

Are you experiencing some the same emotions that you had when your parents divorced? You felt thrust into a role then, when actually you were an innocent victim. Currently, you find yourself in a very similar situation. Perhaps you were not allowed to express your perspective as a child from divorced parents, IDK. Maybe that's why you feel the strong need to tell your W how much you know and how you feel. I'm not a psychologist. I am a former WW, and I can tell you that you will not change your W's mind by having this talk with her. It will not solve the problems. You will not evoke the feelings in her that you want her to have. That is control. You don't like it if you aren't allowed to feel what you feel. So, give her that same freedom, and stop trying to control her feelings.

She's not the one coming to the board, so we can't talk to her. We can't help her. We can offer you support and share what we've learned.

[ovrrnbw]

Quit talking to her about her apartment. You are looking to talk to her about anything but it's only hurting you. You have to quit worrying about her, it's only hurting you... you see the train of thought here?

Her not being around will help you a ton. Make the most out of this time you will have and become a great guy. (Not that you aren't already haha didn't mean that)

[P_Jam]

Sandi,
That is a great question. I’ll have to think about the feelings then vs now. My father was out of control and it was my job to control him at the same time he was also using me to try and help control the overall situation.

I wanting to tell her is 2 fold. Just general control (like LH pointed out) I want her to know she doesn’t have 1 up on me. I have 2 up on her. I think it’s WAS also the underlying feeling that if I could show how extreme the situation was for her character as well as how badly it hurt me, she might have some compassion. I know, nuts!

Ovrrnbw,
I know, she brought it up not me. She needed me to handle the kids (again). Also, I can ALWAYS tell when she is going to see OM. Back when I was snooping I always got this weird feeling when I was around her. I would the prepare to snoop that night. I was right 100% of the time. I’m pretty sure she saw him last night. Don’t think there was sex but I believe he was involved in one way or the other last night. So it was this feeling that caused me to temp check the situation and why I was uncomfortable helping her achieve this.

She’s out next weekend. I’m gone all week. Talk about her coming and going is now in the past.

[sandi2]

I've dealt with crisis all my life, a lot because I've even learned to create crisis to then 'solve'. I ruminate and always feel like I should be doing something. Very little stillness.

Do you think you created the crises b/c you would feel better when you solved it?

I wonder if you are thinking too much about how you feel. Know what I mean? Like, however you feel each day should be examined and determined why you feel a certain way. You know that old saying, "He must have gotten up on the wrong side of the bed"? Sometimes we just feel blah for no reason.

How old were you when your parents divorced? I'll have to admit that reading about your dad makes me feel a range of emotions. There are a lot of kids who have been really challenged by their upbringing.

I've learned being in a M for a long time, doesn't mean it necessarily gets easier.......you just have different challenges. Life is always changing. People change. The future finds a way of surprising us. The only thing you can control is you.

Have a great week! ((hugs))