I must say though that worrying about the kids and the puppy not giving him peace is also a bit smothering. He chose to come, he knows the kids are there and the puppy and yet he still chose to come.
Try to relax and don't try to control the environment. If he wanted peace and quiet then he's a grown man, he can go and find it away from your vibrant household.
If you wind yourself up so tightly in trying to control every situation then every little thing that happens in normal family life has a high probability of tipping you over the edge.
Live your life. Be Alison. Be confident, not this person who walks on eggshells worrying about his every furrowed brow.
It sounds like the Sunday was a much better day, low pressure for both of you. It's nice that he wanted to relax at home, I wish my dh did but it seems like that's impossible (not sure he relaxes ever unless he's drunk anyway though). Keep your expectations as low as you can. How is your new puppy?
I understand you are getting a temporary high from having him over, but you really need to ask yourself if it's worth it. Because as long as you keep letting it happen, you will be stuck in limbo. Your sitch will never get better.
And yes - that is my fear, it really is. But I don't think I will be stuck in limbo. He's asking me for pressure off during a very clearly defined amount of time, and when that time period is over, I think I will reassess then and maybe make a different decision. I am working on being supportive without pursuing, because I have pursued hard for my own needs to be met at the expense of his, and have been spectacularly un-supportive. It's a balacing act I am often getting really wrong - I admit that - but for the next few weeks (and that is all it is) I want to try. He didn't really BD me, I BDed him - and he's telling me he can't work on things now, but he wants to at a particular point. He has been consistent about that, and most of the other things he's said has been in response to my pushing at him for more. If I stop pushing, watch carefully and see that when the point comes and he isn't talking about R, my only choice will be to go dark, and that is what I plan to do.
Yorkie said:
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I must say though that worrying about the kids and the puppy not giving him peace is also a bit smothering. He chose to come, he knows the kids are there and the puppy and yet he still chose to come.
Yes, you're right about this. I actually went out for a while on Sunday on my own, then took Youngest out (as planned) for an activity just the two of us. So I didn't bring it up - but I did have this sense that both me myself and family life was being 'auditioned' in some way. He didn't say or do anything in particular that triggered that in me - it was in my mind - and I need to get away from that and just have my happy family life as I want it and let him speak up for what he wants, join in, or go away - as he wishes. It went okay but there is more work to do here because I cannot live my life as if I am advertising a family for him to be a part of at some point, it is unhealthy and exhausting.
Dillydaff said:
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It's nice that he wanted to relax at home
Yes, I think it was too, in the end. It probably is cake-eating, a little bit. But what it looked like from the outside was someone broken and exhausted, stressed and anxious wanting a bit of rest and familiarity and a break from his professional stress. He looked like a little boy. There was no meanness or coldness in him on that day. I didn't wait on him hand and foot and went about my life as normally as I could, and yes, I need to keep my expectations low. But if we are to R than home does need to be a sanctuary for both of us and I think in many ways I am in a much better place than he is at the moment and doing a little bit to make home a sanctuary (and all I did was put some food on the table, give him a hug and ask no questions) does constitute a 180 going on my past behaviour.
I feel okay today. Am working and as it is vacation time he is in charge of Youngest. Had a couple of texts already about things he's irritated about. He doesn't seem to have much patience at the moment. I am validating, but not leaping in to do his parenting, offer advice or criticism or fix things. The kids have two weeks off and he's doing two days of childcare, that's it - so I am going to respect and trust him enough to do that without interference or assistance from me.
Yes, I think you're right. He certainly didn't have the air of someone who was turning up to sample the goods with a view to considering making a future purchase! He was too broken and done in for that. It is my stuff. And the changes I've made to my parenting - both in the new boundaries with the kids, and with having more fun at the weekends, getting outside more together and less time on screens - more structure and positivity - all of that I want to do for myself and the children. They were my personal 180s and what I wanted to spend my energy on rather than working on my marriage.
They sound like really positive changes for you and your kids. I hope he'll be on board with them too if you R, they sound very healthy things to aim for
A totally idyllic day today. Drove Eldest to an activity and spent the afternoon outside in brilliant sunshine with dog and Youngest. Some fun and ice cream and lovely weather. Am determined to enjoy as much of my time as I can - I had such a miserable marriage for such a long time, and ignored all the wonderful things in my life that were just within arms reach and had nothing to do with H at all. I can have days like this no matter what is going on in my marriage.
I have a stinking cold and H rang this afternoon to talk to me about his working arrangements, heard that I was sick, and so came over this evening and has cooked tea for us all. I'm in bed watching a film with Youngest and i can hear H and Eldest chatting happily in the kitchen. I was pretty tired so I am grateful for the offer. I also know it is more comfortable for H to see Youngest here rather than at the house where he is lodging, and he wouldn't see Eldest at all unless he came here, so I guess it suits him too. H has also said he's solidified his working arrangements for next month and so there's no problem with me going away for those few days that I wanted at all. So I have that to look forward to. I'm going to take the full week - I will take the dog with me but he can be in charge of both kids and his work for that time - and I'm going to treat it as a time to recharge and retreat and concentrate entirely on myself.
For now I am going to get to sleep as early as I can, expect nothing at all, and hope that my cold is better tomorrow so I can take Eldest out to a nice new dog-friendly coffee shop that has opened up near us.
lovely day yesterday. Special time with Eldest outside, and lunch out together, then out for a sunny evening walk in the next village before bed. No contact with H - it wasn't intentional on my part, I just forgot.
So nice to have that time, and bittersweet too - thinking about how in the past couple of years how many weekends and evenings were wasted in conflict or bad feeling with H, sulking or crying in my bedroom, or trying to have a conversation to 'resolve things' instead of just enjoying my life and my children. We had so little fun. A lot of that is on me - I was depressed and miserable and it made me selfish - and I never just took myself and the kids out and left him to his computer games and accepted that's what he'd rather do than be with his family - I was always expecting him to make our weekends something nice, then blaming him for not doing it. That is all on me. And I really never ever want to go back to the life I had with him. The fact is, I don't need to - and that makes me happy and sad.
I want to concentrate on making my life and the kids' life as lovely as it can be. I am curious if he will be able to join in with us and have something to offer that I want. Not expecting much today, and not dreading anything either. Just curious, but mainly feeling like my focus is elsewhere. There's still flashes of sadness, but mainly I feel calm and wondering what life has to offer next. He's working solidly twelve hour shifts over the next few days, so I and the kids won't see or hear from him, but I have been busy making plans for cool stuff to do with them.
I am also really pleased that he's agreed to be reasonable about my going away next month. I am going to organise back up childcare in case something changes either with his mood or his working pattern, but whatever happens, I am going. Am already putting some plans in place as to how I will spend the time. I want to spend a lot of time resting and reflecting on what I want my life to look like going forward, and how much of the burdens of my own past and the past of my M I want to let go of for good. I want to use the time to set myself some new goals. And work on some intensive puppy training!
Just journalling:
a good day yesterday too. Time with both kids, the puppy, good weather. Housework done. No contact with H. I'm not really sending those encouraging text messages any more, but other than once or twice, he wasn't sending his goodnight texts either. I'm not sure I want to be putting in more effort than I am getting back. He's been perfectly cordial when we have had contact, but I am not sure it is healthy for me or the chances of possible R if I am the one doing all the chasing right now. I really need to get a handle on pursuit. If we are going to R then I want to be able to feel that it was something he wanted and worked towards, rather than just something he succumbed to.
I have GAL plans for today - seeing my friends this morning, with Eldest looking after Youngest. Eldest out this afternoon, and Youngest and me out to the park with the dog. I'm glad to be seeing my friends - it's been lovely to focus on the kids these past few days, but I am in need of some adult company and conversation. My mind is full of the EA this morning. I am not sure what has triggered it - other than the bit of distance I am having from H at the moment. No phone calls and texts and my mind often drifts towards the time when I saw him enthusiastically pursue someone else. I am as clear as i can be that he isn't doing that now. I suppose these thoughts are about my own insecurity, and perhaps also demonstrating to me that there's more I need from him before I can R and what my needs in a relationship are.
There's a lot said on here about how we tell when the WAS is ready for piecing. I wonder where we LBS need to be before we know we're ready to piece ourselves? The situation perhaps is a little different in that I don't feel entirely like a LBS - I wanted him to leave and although he said he wanted to go, he also considers that I threw him out - so there's that. But I am curious what state I need to be in myself before I am ready to seriously embark on R and piecing with him. Does anyone have any experience about that or insight to share?
Last edited by Cadet; 04/24/1911:55 AM. Reason: combine posts
I am not sure it is healthy for me or the chances of possible R if I am the one doing all the chasing right now. I really need to get a handle on pursuit. If we are going to R then I want to be able to feel that it was something he wanted and worked towards, rather than just something he succumbed to.
I stopped pursuing a long time ago (but my sitch was different then - he was treating me like [censored] and detachment was a means of self preservation) but even then, he knew I was still waiting for him. As someone here once said, "they know, they can smell it". The best thing you can do is carry yourself with as much grace and dignity as you can muster. Be friendly but don't give him more than he gives you. In the meantime carry on working on yourself. IC is good but you have to also GAL.
The other thing I did was make sure I always looked amazing when he saw me. Not over the top amazing, I just made a little more effort. At first, this was to get him to notice me, but now I do it because it is who I am . Not just a mum, not just a wife, I am all those things, but I am also FS, a beautiful and extremely capable, woman.
Weirdly, when he comes to drop the children off in the evening I am often bare faced and in my PJ's. I no longer feel the need to impress him.
Originally Posted by AlisonUK
I have GAL plans for today - seeing my friends this morning, with Eldest looking after Youngest. Eldest out this afternoon, and Youngest and me out to the park with the dog. I'm glad to be seeing my friends - it's been lovely to focus on the kids these past few days, but I am in need of some adult company and conversation. My mind is full of the EA this morning.
Firstly, all of us here who are parents will tell you that the best thing to come out of this is we rediscover the joy of spending time with our kids. I don't know if it is because we find a new sense of meaning in the word 'family', or because we have more time to energize when they are with our spouses, or because we just miss them when they are away, but whatever it is, it is wonderful. It takes time. At first we are all so caught up in our PAIN that this becomes our sole focus, but once we start to heal, we all appreciate the time with our children. Enjoy your kids.
Originally Posted by AlisonUK
My mind is full of the EA this morning. I am not sure what has triggered it - other than the bit of distance I am having from H at the moment. No phone calls and texts and my mind often drifts towards the time when I saw him enthusiastically pursue someone else.
This will pass. Once you learn to calm your mind, then the tunnels will evaporate. There is nothing you can do about what happened in the past or what he may be doing or not doing now. Chances are (and I am sorry for saying this), he is working out if the grass is actually greener, and in order to do that, he will have to take a walk on the grass. But the grass is never greener. He has to discover this for himself. There is no timeline for doing that, and even when he discovers the grass isn't greener, he may be too proud to come home or you may have discovered you like who you have become and no longer want/need him in your life. Build a life. Make it a wonderful life for yourself and your children. You never know, he might see how full your life is and want to join in.
Originally Posted by AlisonUK
But I am curious what state I need to be in myself before I am ready to seriously embark on R and piecing with him. Does anyone have any experience about that or insight to share?
I have little experience with piecing. But I will say I think you have to have finished your own journey. There is so much devastation when they leave (and I am not saying that in anger) that we are all so desperate to save our marriages we don't take the time to ask ourselves if our marriages were worth fighting for. My H burnt all our happy memories during MC. Our reasons for getting together in the first place, our getting engaged, our wedding, the birth of our children. He said we had never been happy. Cherry picking to justify his desire to escape. But they are not the only ones who cherry pick. We do too. We pick the happy memories. We think about the anniversary cards, and the surprise dinners and the birthday presents and we scream "BUT WE WERE IN LOVE". It is only after, when we truly look at ourselves and our marriages we realise it was neither a bed of roses or a bed of thorns. You have to go finish your journey and know that you are OK with or without him. You have to be in a place where you are no longer trying to win him back, a place where you can look at your marriage honestly and then say "do I want him back?", "have we changed enough to fix what was wrong?", "are we both in a place where we are willing to do the work?", and lastly "Do I trust him enough to jump in with both feet". Love is a leap of faith. If you aren't all in then there is no point. Ask yourself if you are all in. Then ask yourself if your H is. Until you can say yes to both questions, then proceed with caution, you can work on R, but also keep some of yourself for you. Keep GAL'g and maintain your 180's.
I would tell you to state and maintain your boundaries ... but we all know that would make me a hypocrite
FS
BTW - He destroyed all my memories in the figurative sense. I retaliated by destroying all the photos associated with those memories. He knows what he did. I know what I did. We both feel guilt and shame.
We can all be led astray by our emotions. Don't beat yourself up when you fall down. Just get back up and keep going.
Last edited by Cadet; 04/24/1910:35 AM. Reason: combine posts
