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That sounds like a mature response. It isn’t fair., but someone has to change or nothing will alter in the situation. Take any pressure off and just focus on enjoying his company. Patience and compassion for h. It’s not for him it’s for you . You can do it Alison. If I can help in anyway, let me know , you have people cheering for you , turn the ordeal into a positive experience

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Having no expectations or low expectations is soooooo hard though. I also find it hard empathising with someone who has their walls up against you too, I so want to understand and have compassion for my dh but when I feel shut out I feel rejected instead and then it's back to being about me instead of him. Then it's self protection mode. It's certainly difficult to have empathy for someone who has the power to hurt you. I don't know whether any of that resonates? I also don't know how best to move forward, maybe with as much kindness to both yourself and him as possible.

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Just journalling.

That was really hard, though I feel steadier than I would have done after an experience like this a few weeks ago.

So - H came on Friday to be in the house for the puppy and Youngest while I was at work - Youngest finished early for easter vacation. H had just come off his night shift and hadn't slept much. He arrived while I was still at home, about lunch time, and we had a small talk. I was upset - I don't know why - and it would have been better for me just to get to work and leave him to it, but I really wanted some reassurance that he was actually okay with being in the house and wasn't just going to throw it back in my face after a few hours. He's a tendency to do that - I think we're having a nice time, or we're close, or we've had a good conversation or a quiet time together - and he agrees (I have texts saying he was looking forward to spending time with me this weekend, for example) then a day or a few hours later he will say he hated it, never wanted to do it in the first place, was forced to do it, etc etc. It's destroyed my trust and self esteem and I had that in mind when I was upset. I cried a bit. I saw that mean streak in him again, which was scary, but we both managed to get it together, have a hug. He said he really wanted to have his family back, to come and work on things, to support me and be supported by me. He said he needed to get to the end of this project and then he'd have the time and space to devote to cherishing me and our family and 'intensively working on things' and he said for him, working on things would involve owning his own stuff and speaking up for his own needs. We had another hug and things seemed fine when I got back from work.

I cooked, we ate, he seemed happy enough. He slept over - in my / our bed. He was affectionate but exhausted and it was just that - sleep. I was up early the next morning to take the dog out, cooked breakfast for everyone then went out to GAL in the AM. The plan was that H would go out in the afternoon - for GAL or rest or whatever he wanted - but he actually arranged one of Youngest's friends to come over on a playdate. I said I was happy to supervise the playdate so he could leave, or take the kids out somewhere so he could be in the house alone and rest - but he didn't want either of those things. So I cooked again, and he mowed the lawn and played with the kids and sorted out the garden. I could see he was totally exhausted - he'd not really managed to sleep much during the day so was pretty deranged by Saturday evening. I partly enjoyed having him around - it was a real dose of normality, just being there and doing ordinary things - and partly feeling very insecure and tearful and upset and running around cooking and making sure the dog didn't bother him and he didn't have to do anything, then feeling resentful for being so anxious and servile, and trying to keep all of that secret and undetectable was totally exhausting.

Once Youngest was in bed he started ranting - not shouting, exactly, but speaking at me in a really harsh and blaming and cruel way. Apparently I'd ruined his weekend. He didn't need me cooking for him, all he needed was sleep and space and I never let him have any of that. I suggested he go home if he felt like that, and he said he couldn't because of how I would respond. I said you're assuming a lot there. He was sitting on the edge of the bed and I went over and hugged him and said, 'You're panicking. And you're going to be okay. You need rest and you're going to be fine,' and he was like a stone. In the end he did leave, and I was upset and he could tell but I didn't make a bit deal out of it or call him up or anything.

I think I probably was looking after him too much, and it wasn't freely given because he knew I wanted him to be happy in the house so he'd come back, and he knew I was looking for reassurance, and it made him feel pressured and upset. And I also think he's half mad from stress and lack of sleep and perhaps he wishes he could cope with normal family life at the moment and he can't, and rather than just admit that, and be vulnerable enough to let me help him (by taking over the play date, for example) it's easier for him to get nasty and blame me. He said he'd been forced to arrange the play date because I never did anything for Youngest. Which is just factually, stupidly untrue and not a matter of perception, and he knows that. I didn't even bother arguing with it.

I am sad this morning. I know a lot of this is my stuff - the not giving care freely but using it to get affection or care from him that he just can't give. And I know a lot of it is his stuff - the dishonesty and the blame and the lack of capacity right now. And while I am steadier this morning than I have been in times past, and not as devastated or terrified or rejected feeling, I am thinking that it was pretty much more of the same - me trying to please him, him getting resentful about it and not really wanting what I have to offer and not being able to offer very much at all himself. And I miss him. I feel sad and at night time sometimes I feel lonely and I want my family life back, and my husband back - not this cold, resentful, blaming, absent monster. He is about a month away from this project ending, and it is not an excuse - it is totally once in a life time extraordinary circumstances. And he doesn't trust but seems to resent my attempts at support, and there's nothing I can do but try to take what he says at face value and take care of myself until this time is over then we can see what things look like.

But I am just very very very sad. I have GAL plans for today. He was going to do something for me tonight (collecting Eldest from his school trip) which would involve him being out of bed late, so I've made another arrangement so he doesn't need to do that. I'll text him and tell him later when I can be sure the text won't wake him up. I know I will feel better once I get up and going but today I just feel really lonely and like I want to be held.

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Gosh, that sounds very hard, maybe for both of you. Have a big virtual hug (())

Positives:
he wanted to spend time with you and as a family
he's expressing willingness to work on his own stuff
you had some positive interactions in there along with the scary stuff
you repaired ok a few times by the sound of it

It sounds like it might have been too much for both of you to have so much time together, especially when he is so exhausted.

Things will get better, I have a lot of hope for you! Hang in there, look after yourself and be patient x

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Originally Posted by dillydaf
Having no expectations or low expectations is soooooo hard though. I also find it hard empathising with someone who has their walls up against you too, I so want to understand and have compassion for my dh but when I feel shut out I feel rejected instead and then it's back to being about me instead of him. Then it's self protection mode. It's certainly difficult to have empathy for someone who has the power to hurt you. I don't know whether any of that resonates? I also don't know how best to move forward, maybe with as much kindness to both yourself and him as possible.


And yes, all of this totally resonates. I feel so totally vulnerable trying to emphathise with someone who seems to massively resent me and still want contact with me. Whenever I offer kindness, I risk rejection and it just really really hurts right now. And yet he does seem to want kindness, at least sometimes. I don't know how to move forward. I'm not sure I can go into caring for him without expectations or without being in self protective mode right now, and he can clearly sense both my expectations or my fear and vulnerability, and both seem to anger him. I guess he just needs his life to be entirely about him and his own needs right now. And I can understand that. I wonder if the right thing to do is just to take a massive massive step back - do things by the DB book - until his project is over and he has some capacity to respond. I am just so afraid and I can't seem to get past that. Something he said on Friday afternoon which really hurt was, 'the thing is, I just don't have time to manage a divorce right now,' which reminded me of something he said in January - that he was offering some kindness and continued connection until the end of his project because he wanted to 'buy time' and placate me until he had time to do a divorce. I am really really terrified of showing care and empathy if that's secretly what his plan or intention is. He has more consistently said the opposite. But my fear is there and it totally controls my decisions some days.

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If he was planning to divorce you, he would NOT be talking about wanting to get back together and about working on his own issues. But that fear of abandonment is hard (impossible?) to shake sometimes.

Maybe you could discuss with him whether you both need a bit of a break while he's still got this deadline? Maybe you could suggest you just have a short meeting for coffee once a week or something? It really sounds like he's not in the best place to be the husband you need and deserve right now, and he probably knows that too. But you should probably stay connected in some small way, don't go completely dark or NC I think.

Maybe true love is giving him kindness and empathy even though he can't respond right now? Maybe true love looks like forgiving his current behaviour knowing he's not in a place to do anything else? Maybe true love is putting your needs on the back burner for a little longer and putting him first? You have a deadline at least, you couldn't do it forever but it sounds like your marriage right now needs you to put his needs first for just a few more weeks.

I know that fear, it's very, very hard to feel like you might ultimately be rejected and abandoned, but don't reject him first because of that fear.

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I think that's where I am at. I want to be unselfish and I can see - plain as anything - that he's not himself. He was paying for something at one of those self-checkins on Saturday evening and he couldn't work the machine - it was like he was drunk. It's the shift work, and the writing work he needs to do (he's a med student in the midst of placement and finals) and he's just not managing the sleep deprivation. And I want to be kind to him. I really do. And I am so, so, so afraid that being kind means leaving him alone, and making peace with not having my needs met, and holding my breath and hoping that things will be different when I've hoped for that for so long.

But I don't have much choice. I could set in motion a divorce, but that will change nothing at all about my day to day life right now.

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Hi Alison

I'm going to be blunt. I've read the last couple of threads and you're smothering him. I also think you have the patience of a saint because I would probably have literally smothered him by now!!

If you are deciding to stand for this marriage then you have to accept that you are not going to get the reassurances that you crave. Yet. He has asked you for time, without pressure and without expectation. You did both this weekend. You want it to be perfect when he's there, you're bothered that he's going to throw it back in your face etc etc. You're looking after him too much, walking on eggshells and he feels that pressure and expectation. Stop hovering and leave him be.

He has stated his intention that once his work pressures are over he wants to work hard at it. If you choose to believe him then you have to stand back and wait. Be patient and take the pressure off you both.

You talk about having your needs met. Have a think about those needs. I don't know what they are, but are they needs that can only be met by him, or could they / should they be met from within yourself?

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I think you're right, Yorkie. I know a lot of what I am offering as support he is experiencing as pursuit. And that matters.

A weird day yesterday. He rang in the morning and asked if he could come over for breakfast and spend the day with his family. I said yes, and he turned up looking awful. I was in the kitchen and he came in and gave me a hug and we just carried on as if the night before hadn't happened. I gave him space and just got on with my life, and he seemed to want to be here resting and recovering. He'd have had more peace at home (I can stop smothering him, but I can't do anything about a puppy and the kids) but he seemed to really want to just be here. I left him to it mainly. It was comforting to me too, him being around. Sad when he left. But the more often I see him, the more I can see how utterly drained he is and how a lot of what is going on with him has nothing to do with me our our M. It does mean he has nothing in reserve to fix our R - and I do get that.

I need to think about my own needs more, I guess. Think about meeting them myself in some way. I am bad at that. And it's necessary.

Thank you for your bluntness Yorkie. Always welcome smile

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Originally Posted by AlisonUK
I am thinking that it was pretty much more of the same - me trying to please him, him getting resentful about it and not really wanting what I have to offer and not being able to offer very much at all himself.


This seems to be a repeating pattern. Alison, this is classic cake-eating. As long as you allow it, it will continue to happen. I understand you are getting a temporary high from having him over, but you really need to ask yourself if it's worth it. Because as long as you keep letting it happen, you will be stuck in limbo. Your sitch will never get better.

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And I miss him. I feel sad and at night time sometimes I feel lonely and I want my family life back, and my husband back - not this cold, resentful, blaming, absent monster.


When you let the monster cake-eat, you feed it and it grows. Starve the monster (stop the cake-eating) and your H may start pushing the monster back out of his body.

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And he doesn't trust but seems to resent my attempts at support


He absolutely does. So why do you keep doing it? Do you remember the chapter in DR about "cheeseless tunnels"? And about setting up lawn chairs? Well you've got a sofa, recliner, rug, reading light, fridge and a flat-screen TV set up in front of that cheeseless tunnel.

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But I am just very very very sad.


Detach. GAL. Move on. Your mood should not be predicated on how the monster treats you.

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I just feel really lonely and like I want to be held.


I'm sorry you're feeling down. Go see a friend or family member and get that hug. NOT your H though, do NOT try to get hugs there.


Me: 60 w/ S18, D24, D27

M: 21 years; BD: 06-14-12; S: 09-10-12; D final: 03-17-14; XW:57
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