Bad timing is my speciality, so I know what you mean. I have dumped my negative stuff on dh before at a really bad time of day or year when he has felt utterly exhausted and unable to cope with it, and it has never ended well! It does sound like your husband was trying his best under difficult circumstances, and also that you were all upset and probably not able to ask for support in the most assertive way possible. Maybe you could rehearse a few different ways of asking for what you need? Or maybe you could just text him a short complaint about your tough morning, making it clear you just want a there there and not a long conversation about it? Getting into details seems like a bad idea when you're both in a bad place... I hope your chat with your friend helps xx
I think I do need to be more resilient and take charge a bit more. I have had a tendency to run crying to H when things are hard, and he probably felt like that, even though that's not what I was after.
For 180s - I've made an appointment with Eldest's Head of House at school to discuss behaviour at home. His behaviour at school is absolutely exemplary, and part of me thinks he will be mortified if his teacher hears how he's been speaking to and treating his parents - and that might be enough, for the time being, to make him think twice. But there's also a couple of sports residentials coming in the next couple of months and I want the school's support that he won't be attending them unless behaviour at home improves.
I really don't think there's a problem in running to your husband when you need comfort, as long as you understand that's what you're asking for and he understands how to give it and how not to criticise or try to fix things in giving it. But right now getting comfort from our husbands is more difficult because of the lack of safety. Well, that's how I see it anyway. I think I never asked for comfort before and tended to run off to friends first because I thought he couldn't or wouldn't give it to me, it's taking time to work out how to ask for it and I often mess it up.
That sounds useful about eldest. I would just be careful about implied punishment because nobody responds well to it let alone teenagers. Maybe framing it as 'if I can't trust you to behave at home then I can't trust you to behave in an unusual environment like a residential, show me I can trust you' might work? I can't help that much I'm afraid, my older teen just went super quiet and shut us out at 14 (not sure he's ever really come back), my just 14 year old now has a tendency towards perfectionism and turning stuff inwards (I found evidence of potential self harm about 18 months ago, before this dh stuff ever happened) but both of them have always been pretty well behaved at home and at school. Ds2 has occasional temper tantrums and will occasionally need a lot of persuading to do stuff but is generally quite sweet for a teen. In fact his behaviour has probably been better since dh left, dh made for a lot of tension and slamming doors and everyone having to tiptoe about at home. Ds2 still says he's glad dh got his flat as he's managed to be nice to his family for once over winter...
I think that's the problem - he just can't seem to help himself when it comes to blame (well, we're only in this position because of X, Y, Z) or criticism. I'm probably over sensitive to it. But when I have really clearly asked him for encouragement or comfort, and given him examples of what I would like, he then accuses me of controlling him and attempting to police what he's allowed to say. It all gets really really reactive when it comes down to Eldest because we both feel so strongly about it.
Meeting with school went well. And yes - I agree with you about avoiding punishment and that's the advice I am getting from family therapist and from school too. Clear expectations, consistent consequences and boundaries. H has always been a bigger fan of punishment and old school methods and has felt unsupported when I've disagreed, but we do have a working plan now so at least there's that.
I texted H to say I was sorry for my part in things going wrong in our last conversation. He said he was sorry too, and was feeling overwhelmed and unappreciated. That is new. I am totally done in.
I think that's the problem - he just can't seem to help himself when it comes to blame (well, we're only in this position because of X, Y, Z) or criticism. I'm probably over sensitive to it. But when I have really clearly asked him for encouragement or comfort, and given him examples of what I would like, he then accuses me of controlling him and attempting to police what he's allowed to say. It all gets really really reactive when it comes down to Eldest because we both feel so strongly about it.
This sounds like a perfect place to calmly and firmly say “ when you say this it makes me feel (what you feel)“ I am not very good at mine reading how that made you feel with regards to eldest how do you think you can get to a point where you support each other in your aims? This seems to be a big one for you ? Is that correct?
I think because it just feels like more of the same, TryHard.
Quite often when I turn to my H for support or comfort or parenting collaboration his response is to tell me why my problem or distress is of my own making and my own fault. It isn't like he's gloating - but I do think he finds meeting my emotional needs (or even the prospect of being asked to) terrifying and it is a technique he uses to push me away. I've been hurt over and over and over again by that and I don't want more of the same. I can control that by not asking him for any kind of emotional support, but I don't want a marriage like that. I am so weary of his blame and criticism and the way he can get really very nasty when challenged about it.
I've been working on being very helpful and supportive to him this past couple of weeks. He's doing shift work and I've cooked meals for him and frozen them in individual portions and baked snacks and given them all to him. He was happy enough to accept that. I was happy to give it. But when there's so little coming back it feels very much like I am feeding him cake - literally!
I want a relationship where I can turn to him and he will say some version of 'you're not on your own. We've got this. It's going to be okay,' rather than 'ah, here is why your problem is your own fault and I get to be angry with you for even wanting comfort!' and that isn't on offer from him. I'm not sure he's even capable of it, to be honest.
I think I am pretty well covered in that I know I've communicated what I need very clearly and in non-blaming language. I know I've also worked on taking care of my own emotional needs so the requests I make of him are really not that much at all. I admit there was bad timing at play in my last request - but I didn't get to opt out of Eldest screaming and throwing things all morning and that was bad timing for me too - him being emotionally unavailable feels like a luxury choice he is using to punish me. And I've lived with that for years and I will not tolerate it any longer.
So that's why I am done in. Exhausted and tired and disappointed and about ready to throw in the towel. He does pretty much no childcare right now, I carry us all financially, and he's not able to be pleasant when I am distressed after laying down the law with one of his children. I am left wondering what he's actually for and what he adds to my life.
Careful Alison, I spy the Self Pity Monster in there. Having had a recent attack I can tell you it passes...Sometimes all we can do is work on our end, say what we need and hope they come along for the ride. You have had plenty of positive signs, and it's a lot to expect your husband to change when he's under lots of stress. He *has* shown small signs of change and you need to be optimistic about that instead of circling back into your pessimistic, resentful state where you think things will never change. Stay patient (it is sooooooo hard), look after yourself, take that puppy of yours out for a walk and tomorrow you'll feel better about things. I hope eldest is easier for you today (())
Thanks Dilly. I do feel sorry for myself today. It's too much to expect he breaks the habit of years in a couple of months, and that he's able to keep that up during a really busy period. I get that. I am just so tired and flat today. Eldest is away for a few days now on a school trip to Paris. I will miss him - but I am going to appreciate being able to take the time to concentrate on Youngest, and have evenings to myself as Youngest goes to bed earlier.
I am seeing H a fair bit over the next few days - and I've decided just to keep it as pleasant and light as I can. Be supportive where I can, and take care of my own needs where I can't. He's exhausted and anxious and so much of our interaction is either awkward and wary and frightened - on both sides - or 'here's where I need you to do better' - on both sides - or 'here's how distressed I am about something' (on my side). Not that there can't be room for that in any R, but we're not R, we're cordially separated pending a discussion - and for the time being perhaps it would be better just to enjoy each other's company a bit if possible, and create a positive environment for the kids if not.
I know what happens - we are in each other's company and I feel like I am being kind and happy and supportive, and demonstrating in small, non-pressure ways that his stress is on my mind and I am looking to care for him in some way - and that all seems to work well - but after a while (hours or days depending on my mood and what else is going on) I just feel like nothing's coming back, which makes me feel resentful, which makes me feel vulnerable and like he's taking advantage of me, and I either express that, or I ask him for something, which seems to trigger all kinds of resentment in him. It's really hard. I guess I have to have no expectations, be kind without chasing, and take care of myself. I can protect myself because I'm not living with him and I won't live with him unless he is also willing to give to the relationship, but for the time being, I can be kind to the father of my children who is suffering a bit right now. I hope I can do it without expectation.
with regards to eldest how do you think you can get to a point where you support each other in your aims? This seems to be a big one for you ? Is that correct?