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OneArt,
Thanks for the reply on my last thread. This is the second time he’s been sanctioned and yep the judge has gotten wise to the antics. Thank goodness.


So, just a personal reflection...
I’ve spent the last close to 4 years becoming a woman only a fool would leave. I think I’ve done a pretty good job thus far but know I will always be a work in progress.

One of the things I’m not skilled at is keeping a balanced life. I find it hard to have work, gym, friends, extracurriculars etc all balanced. So, I’m someone who focuses on certain buckets for weeks at a time. But I end up stressing myself out since I can’t keep all slices of the pie the same. For example, I’ll spend time focusing on the gym and then get stressed out because I’m not focusing on my social life, so then I redirect attention and then the gym goes by the wayside. I know there’s things I could do better to balance it out. 100% I know it’s me, but it’s something I’m working on.


With that I have been wanting to go back to school for a while now. I just can’t decide if I want a PhD or a masters in a different field. I like school and I wouldn’t mind going back... I can’t afford it right now, I would have to get a loan.... but I’m wasting my time. Notice the direct contradiction of what I stated above!!!

Anyway, i know if I go to school, other parts of my life will go by the wayside. And...... another big thing that I have not prioritized is dating. I want a baby daddy eventually because I’m not getting younger and my eggs are drying up by the second, but I haven’t made it a priority to go out and meet anyone.

So what does this mean? I need to be better at balancing and I need to put myself out there. I think even if I’m interested in someone, I still owe it to myself to date multiple people just to understand what’s really out there. I don’t dislike dating, I just haven’t prioritized it.

Ok, so that’s a bunch of ramblings that make no sense. I guess at the end of the day, this is all a blessing to have too many good things to keep integrated into a balanced life.

So with that... what do you think is the best dating app for a busy professional, who is old fashioned, and wants to avoid creepers?


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You're young so whatever apps the young people are using would be beneficial - doubt eHarmony would be good for someone your age for instance.

I've used OkCupid with halfway decent results (I say halfway because I've dated several guys who I really enjoyed but all have been flawed - still, that may be a function of my age, lol, being in my 60's now).

As for life balance - is there a sporting activity you enjoy that is also social and involves men? That might kill 3 birds with one stone, no? I'm thinking a bicycling group, or salsa dancing, or rock climbing (or hey, if you live in/near a snowy climate, cross-country skiing - the men are buff and non-pretentious and when I tried it years ago, the ratio of men to women was super high!) Check out meetup.com for ideas?

As for grad school - be very clear on your reasons for wanting to go back. Will it significantly enhance your job satisfaction? Will it pay off in terms of dollars and cents?

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Hey KML, thanks for the suggestions.
I still haven’t pulled the trigger on the OLD. For some reason, I’ve become very untrusting of the sites and people on them. . I know it’s me and I should just do it. I used match a couple years ago (1yr post split and had good interactions). Sadly I just can’t afford it right now! I think my hesitation is just some more residual stuff from my sitch, but trust I’m ready to push through.

So it’s another riveting night at the house o’ Pax. It was an absolutely gorgeous day today and I was able to spend some time outdoors. It was nice.

I decided to spend the rest of the afternoon cleaning up my closet and putting the winter stuff away. I have wayyyyy too much crap/ clothes. I need to get rid of at least 50% of my belongings and even then, I know I’d still have a ton of clothes. I have a medium size apartment that has a walk in closet. It’s not huge by any means but it is filled to the brim with stuff. In addition to clothes and shoes, it has my various size backpacks, purses, luggage, sleeping bags, etc. And that does not bring me joy! I’m all about the kon Mari and I know that clutter blocks my good energy! I need to pull the trigger there as well to overhaul the wardrobe. The thing is, I actually do wear a lot of clothes. For work, I mostly wear suiting, which is just a lot of pieces. I have a lot of blazers and they are heavy and take up a lot of room. Then, I have my workout clothes. I have a lot of work out clothes!! It’s needed when you do 2-a-days. Then I have my lounge clothes for when I’m vegging at home. Then I have my weekend clothes which is also lounge clothes that I don’t mind wearing in public, jeans, or sundresses, etc and the occasional “going out” attire and cocktail dresses for my after hour events. Bleh. It’s too much.

I’ve toyed with the idea of getting rid of all my pants and blouses so I could just get by wearing dresses and blazers. It doesn’t get too cold in the winter here and I usually can make do with knee high boots and trench coats to keep warm. But as I look at some of my outfits, I realize that i do like them and I want to keep them. Bla bla bla.

Anyway...if your eyes aren’t bleeding yet from reading that nonsense.... it’s just all part of the journey of recreating a life that brings us lbs’s true joy and peace and meaning in the long run.


In addition to the very important apparel musings... I’ve also been sorting out some upcoming trips. I’m super excited to be invited back on a medical mission in the fall. I’m very much looking forward to that. Also my bestie just invited me to join her on her trip to Maui in the summer. She has a time share and will have a room going completely unused so she offered it up to me. I would just have to fork up the air faire. I would love to make it happen. I have 13 weeks of vacation on the books that I should definitely use! Just hoping my financials are in a better place by summer.


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My Monday is starting off with a great chuckle courtesy of ex.

Many years ago when this all started, I went to a psychic (ok multiple psychics- don’t judge), because I would do ANYTHING to get a better grasp on my situation. I was spinning and going crazy because I hadn’t learned about this “stuff” nor have I ever dealed with such severe gaslighting. I’m recalling one night where I was just so distraut over everything that was happening and my ex is telling me that i broke his heart. (uhhhhh come again? I broke your heart... what exactly did I do again?? He was the one who was chasing his happiness and throwing out ultimatums left and right).

I digress.

Anyway, i met with one psychic and she knew nothing about me or why I was there. Right off the bat, she said she could tell that one person was bringing me a lot of sadness. I said yes. She said, he’s older than me but I’m the more mature one. She said he was emotionally very immature and he was going to be this way for a long time. After we discussed what actually was going on, she said he would grow up eventually but it wouldn’t be for a really really long time. Years and years.

Back to today- I was doing my normal dog swap and there were two ladies (possibly a mother daughter pair, but both grown women) were leaving the property at the same time. Whether they were leaving from my house or the rental flat, I don’t know nor care.

Normally I leave my dog off leash and he goes up to the door to go inside. But since these two ladies were out, i put on his leash to keep him close by should he choose to run up to the ladies.

So, the dog walks up to the door and I’m bending down to get him unhooked but he just runs inside. I was like, dog let me unhook you, but too late. The dog ran inside and ex shut the door on me. Well, it’s a retractable leash. So I can hear the dog pulling away from the other side of the door while the leash handle is still in my hand.

I’m thinking like, really ex, you can’t just open the door and take the leash???? Whatever!! So I put the leash down and walk away thinking what a child!!!

So, I get to my car, and I hear the door open with the leash quickly retracting back to the handle. It hits the tile with a loud crash. I turn around and see ex quickly door shuts and the leash is just sitting there now on the stoop.

He really is a juvenile. What great lengths he must go to in order to avoid me. Whatever. Reminds me of the time we ended up at the vets office at the same time and he wouldn’t take off his sunglasses indoors so he didn’t have to make eye contact. He also stood as far away from me as humanly possible. That sure must take some effort.


Oh well. I keep picturing it like a cartoon scenario! It was really funny and rediculous from my vantage point. #manchild


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I swear Pax, I know mine is a real gem, but yours really takes the cake. How can there still be so much hostility? I suppose it likely relates to his unsuccessful court efforts but still. I constantly remind myself that the opposite of love is indifference, and when they still have so much hate, they are the ones that are having problems letting go.

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Sounds like he’s instigating and trying to get a reaction out of you. Your shows of indifference bother him cause he thrives on conflict. So keep up the good work! It’s about him not about you. I started reading a very quick book called the Four Agreements that’s from the Barnes and Noble spiritual section and one of the agreements is “don’t take anything personally” cause it’s not about you. Sorry you are going through this.


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Hi Pax - eye roll on that leash story. So silly.

Sounds like you are doing well. Keep going!


Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13
BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself
BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room"
8/15: H back to MBR
10/15: H back in dorm room
1/18: H files, now divorced
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One, juju, and hawho. Thanks for the replies. Good to hear from you.

Sadly... The man is so far out of orbit, there just aren’t any words.

It’s a little late over here and I can’t sleep. I have a little bit of excitement I think. We’re finalizing up the details of the next medical mission and I’m just really looking forward to the volunteer experience.

I was thinking about where my heart and mind were during the last time I went on this mission trip (2 years ago) and it blows my mind how much people can and do change over time. I say it on here all the time, but once you’ve been hanging out here for a few years while doing the work, it is nice to take a look in the rear view mirror and see how far you’ve come.

While I was reflecting, I had a slight panic because I thought I missed my divorce anniversary and just didn’t remember it at all. Haha. That was awesome! It’s actually a few more weeks away. Yep... I’m at the 1 year mark, and yet I still don’t have the judgement because their side never submitted it (its since been ordered by the court) and i still don’t have a settlement. It’s almost comical the s-show this has become. At least I’m at a place (right now) where I can sit back with some popcorn while watching this crazy story continue to unfold.

Been a quiet week legal-wise. The last week had a lot of stuff going about. The accountants have dug deep enough and are now uncovering a ton of info. It leads to more questions than answers, and definitely puts ex in the hot seat. He has some explaining to do.


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It’s so crazy what gets uncovered. The worst projectors are the ones with the biggest secrets. I went through 5 years of cc statements and 3 years of bank withdrawals and discovered alcoholism and a most likely very expensive drug habit he was keeping secret. I stopped seeking, when my lawyer bills got too expensive and I assumed he had nothing to warrant the legal cost of it was being spent on drugs, but a part of me worried “what if he was hiding money from me for 3 years and not spending it on drugs?

Anyway, it sounds like his amo was a strong offense cause he has so much to be defensive over. I hope things work out as well as they can for you.


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Juju, I’ve followed your story for a while and yeah it’s crazy how much gets uncovered. I’ve always wanted to let you know how much I empathize with what you’ve gone through.

It’s maddening how my ex did so much scheming up to bd. So much financial infidelity. And yet.... I came out as the terrible wife who he needed to divorce after the years and years of me walking on egg shells around him. My whole life was tuned upside down and he walks away scot free. So maddening. I couldn’t even imagine going through it with a child.


Anyway...
Wanted to pop in with a fun dB reminder.

I had a meeting this morning with the man who drives me crazy at work. He’s belittling and dismissive. Just awful. I was dreading this meeting and I knew it was going to be a doozy because we had a lot to catch up on and I knew exactly what items he was going to rant about. Anyway, I was preparing myself to set a boundary and was prepared to speak up for me and my assistant because he treats up both like we’re not even human.

Anyway, as I was preparing for the meeting, I told myself that I was going to “act as if” instead. I decided to be happy and super upbeat and even light hearted. I thought I could kill him with kindness.

And it worked!!! The condescension was replaced with kindness and appreciation. At the end of the meeting, he even took the time to gossip about corporate politics. Mmhmmmm not that I wanted to hear any of it...and it was so typical of him to talk poorly about others. But I acted as if... got on his good side.... and now I can go through the rest of my day feeling ok.

I’ll take it.


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Hi, just a quick nonsensical check in...

I’ve had a few bouts of anger towards ex over the last week... which is good! I haven’t really been able to conjure up that emotion and just feel furious about the situation. It means I’m processing and I’m happy with that component! The crappy thing is, when I’m angry, I cry so I’ve had some tears. Grrr.

You know the deal.... as the lbs, I spent so much time in fix it-walk-on-egg shells-mode with ex, , then I had the fear of the future, then the sadness of the marriage breakdown, then the grief over the marital death, then the remorse for things I could have done differently, then the uneasiness, worry, and trepidation over the legal stuff... and finally I’ve landed at anger.

Maybe I am in victim mode, but I hate him for putting me in this position and subsequently keeping me here by lagging and lying on all the paperwork. I despise him for everything he has done to me financially since the marriage began. It really was all a sham. I then get mad at myself for knowing better.... knowing he was capable of this... and still going forward with the marriage.

I’m angry that I did all the effort to make the marriage work and he still left me... he blamed me for being the reason he left, blamed me for all his actions. I know 10000% that blame is misplaced and it’s a form of torturous gaslighting, but I knew what I was getting in to with him. Stupid stupid girl. Even when his own family told me I was a saint for putting up with him..... I’m still the evil one here.


And even with all of that... I’m angry that we didn’t work on the marriage together. I’m angry I didn’t have a partner. Now, don’t get me wrong.... I know we were set up to fail from the get go, but I’d like to pretend that even if it wasn’t a normal marriage, we could have worked on things like a normal couple. But nope, I was robbed of that as well.


I’ve been dealing with this for 4 years. 4 years! I can’t do it anymore. I want to move on, but I’m stuck. I have ptsd, I’m not very trusting. As much as I actually do want a partner and I want to be married.... I don’t. I’m not confident that I’m going to find that partner that will let me know it’s ok to let my guard down.

I’ve been in this hyper vigilance mode for so long, I can’t even remember what it’s like to not be in that state.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not walking around with a chip on my shoulder and I’m not this bitter woman who hates men.. I think I’ve just been burned very badly and I’m lacking significant amounts of trust.


So with that, I have no problem taking control of my future (minus the financial implications), so I’ve been doing my research for my next steps. I’ve mentioned going back to school so I’ve spoken with counselors, had a informal meeting with someone in my industry who has his phd etc. Ive been planning out my next physical pursuits and some classes I want to take (I’ve always wanted to learn to play tennis and play the piano) and get better at Spanish.

I have a plan to keep filling my own bucket, but I recognize there’s a void where an intimate partner should be and I’m not convinced I’m up for that right now.... even though I do want it. It’s a crappy place to be in.


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so. much. yes.
I get it dear pax. remember, this too shall pass, right? let's hope so anyway for both our sakes xoxoxo


M 20+ T25+
S ~15.5 (BD)
BD 4/6/15
D 12/23/16

"Someone I loved once gave me
A box full of darkness.
It took me years to understand,
That this too, was a gift."
~ Mary Oliver
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Oh yes, dear bttrfly, this too shall pass. Hopefully sooner rather than later. 4 years is a long time. I do like actually getting to the anger stage... I feel like I bypassed it early on. Time to rage on!!! Just kidding. Not my style.

Just having my lunch time salad and popping in with more nonsensical Monday musings-

I was watching a movie last night before bed.. It was a movie I saw in the theatre on a date a long time ago. I recalled the experience and thought to myself- holy cow, so much has happened since ex and I split. There really has been a substantial amount of life in those years post bd. Ahh reflecting is good.

Which got me to thinking about this-
My cousin is getting married in June. I have to turn in my rsvp card this week. She intentionally had a really long engsgemrnt... like 2.5 years. When she first started planning she was concerned about who was going to make the cut on the invite list. (We have a big family). Anyway, I told her that she needs to include me and a plus one because I’ll be remarried by then. I said so half-jokingly, because it seemed sooooooo far off and I felt equipped to be married again by now. Hahaha. About 6 months ago, she reminded me that I wasn’t married and we still had faith that I could be in a relationship by now. Cringe.


Aye aye aye. I laugh at it now because this degree of healing, learning, and growing is an insanely long process. Too long! Anyway, she still wants me to use the plus one but I have nobody.... and that makes me a little bit sad.

Which leads me to this....
I need to get comfortable with casual dating. It’s just not my jam. I was ok doing the online thing a bit ago, but as I mentioned before I don’t have it in me. No trust.

But I’m dying- dying-dying for some cuddle time or hand holding or butt holding or something! Not talking about sex per se, but just affection. It’s been a really long time. In real life I’m not a clinger at all, but I kind of want to be clingy! That sounds terrible.

My ex wasn’t affectionate with me. He hated hugs. If I was a little flirty trying to get him to acknowledge me, he would say- “what’s the matter? Are you not getting enough attention or something?” Yesssssss I was starved for attention!

I haven’t dated in over a year... it’s time. I feel like it’s the only way I can help things along. I’m just afraid of what’s out there. And I’m afraid of stds... that’s a whole different element, but it crosses my mind. So many hurdles.

Ok, musings over... looking forward to kicking off May, where I’ll have some more court dates in the month to move things along.

Hope you have a wonderful week.


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Originally Posted by Pax_luv
But I’m dying- dying-dying for some cuddle time or hand holding or butt holding or something! Not talking about sex per se, but just affection. It’s been a really long time. In real life I’m not a clinger at all, but I kind of want be clingy! That sounds terrible.


Sounds perfectly reasonable to me! I'm not ready to date yet, as I'm still married and standing, but boy do I get this! I was starved for affection too from my H. H always said he was sensual, sexual, etc. Well, perhaps he was. Just not with me!


Originally Posted by Pax_luv
I haven’t dated in over a year... it’s time. I feel like it’s the only way I can help things along. I’m just afraid of what’s out there. And I’m afraid of stds... that’s a whole different element, but it crosses my mind. So many hurdles.


I don't recall your age, but I'm 55, and I know there isn't a lot of quality people out there that aren't taken. I don't believe they are on the internet, so I wouldn't go that route if I was out there. IF I date at some point in the future, I would probably join MeetUps that are about my hobbies, and go from there. As far as STDs, well, don't sleep with anyone unless it's serious, and then I would get blood tests. That's really the only way in my book.

Good luck on your dating journey!


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Grace - there's plenty of quality people on online dating - as well as not quality - just like in real life.

Honestly - that's where MOST people meet their dates nowadays, I think especially for Grace's and my age groups, as older people tend not to be in social groups with lots of single people, making it harder to find them. Since my divorce I only met ONE date that WASN'T through online dating (he picked me up while I was shopping in Big Lots, and he was 6'6", so he was known here as Mr Big Lots.) If I'd been waiting around to meet single men in my actual life I'd probably still be waiting for a first date after divorce. (But yes, I hear meetups are another potential route to meet people.)

Pax is younger so she has a better chance of meeting singles in her social life. Pax, you should think about going to the wedding alone - what if there are some cute single men there? You certainly can't spring a wedding on some new guy you just started dating anyway.

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Hola,
Just coming here with a journal entry-

Been dealing with some obnoxious work emails so I need a quick break.
Woke up feeling really blue. It’s most definitely hormones, but I can’t stop myself from saying out loud, I feel so sad!
No amount of ding dongs is pulling me out of the funk!

At least I know I’ll be out of it soon. That’s another plus side of going through this experience, that hyper sensitivity and awareness of ones self and emotions that develops after walking through your own fog for so many years.

Anyway.... I actually had a great weekend. Celebrated my mom to the fullest. Had lots of fun. Got to meet my dearest friends brand new baby boy. Omg—soooo many babies. I know nobody is rubbing it in my face, but gosh- Everyone and their sister is pregnant. Just yesterday on mother’s day, 2 of my friends announced their pregnancies within 5 minutes of each other. The baby craze is madness.


Things have been dead silent with ex. That’s expected. There seems to be more life happening at my old house. There was a women’s wet suit and surf board hanging off the fence in the front yard. Mehhhh. Last week there was a tiny uhaul trailer in the front. Honestly, I can’t think about it too much. Whatever is happening is of no concern to me.

Been feeling ready to shake things up for a while. My lease on my apartment is coming due and while I originally told myself there’s no f’ing way I’m moving right now, it seems like I could get in a different place with more space and tiny yard for the same amount I’m paying currently. It may make sense to make a move. I reached out to a couple property management companies over the weekend. So... we’ll see.

Also, I was waiting for a job to open up for a few months now. A person was retiring and I had my eye on his job.... well, it doesn’t look like they are replacing him after all. Sadddddd. That’s ok. The job would require a lot of inter-region travel and I know my quality of life is dependent on me NOT spending hours on end in so cal traffic.
With that, a different job just opened up. I am very qualified for it and it kind of aligns with the work I already do. It would be a little promotion but I would lose visibility. Right now I have an insane amount of visibility with the executive team. I could put my name in the hat just to see what it’s about. While I love my job, it could be good to shake that up too. It would be nice to have balance. My current job does not allow for a lot of balance.

Ok... time to refocus on my desk. Hope you have a nice day!


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Popping in with a non update.

It’s the middle of my workday and I just can’t concentrate. It was a busy week and I’ve given it all I got! I have a presentation due in 2 hours.... meh.... I’ll get to it.

Re: my sitch- we are finally going to be scheduling our mandatory settlement conference. Finally! I see light ahead! This four year chapter will have a close soon and I’m soooo ready. Blows my mind that he was the one who wanted this and now we’re the ones pushing as quickly as we can.

Technically, our marriage was bifurcated 13 months ago and they still haven’t submitted the judgment paperwork. Insane.

Anyway... the last 2 months have been easier on me. I was severely stressed over the financial situation I was in, but since ex now has to pay his sanctions, I feel like I can breathe again. I can buy groceries and gas and not have to worry about which one is more important. That was so rough.

I’m NOT looking forward to the back and forth dealings of the settlement, but I’m thankful the end is near. I’m gonna use this time to build up my resiliency reserves for (hopefully) what will be the final battle with ex.

Life is good.


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I'll be thinking of you. I still haven't come to a financial settlement with my XH either - his idea to hold everything up - and just want it over.

I know he's buying time to help soothe his guilt. The longer we go the less guilty he feels and the more entitled to what he promised me I could have.

I'm cheering you on for getting in and getting it done - I'm sure it'll be worth the stress in the long run!


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Pax,

Once everything has been finalized, you will discover just how much weight you've been carrying around on your shoulders. That weight will lift the day everything is signed and dated and life will be so much better for you. Hang in there....settlement isn't too far off.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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Hi Devvo, thanks for the support. Interesting that your h may be dragging it out over his guilt. Either way, as long as you are ok with status quo and your finances are protected, then all you can do is live your best life.

Job, thank you. I already feel lighter knowing the end will be here soon. I’m actually like giddy-excited. Finally!


With that, I’m just a few days shy of 4 years physical separation! 4! Omg! I still don’t feel settled in my apartment and my dwelling is still set up like a temporary pit stop but that’s ok. I just renewed my lease for another 10 months. I can’t wait to see where I’ll be in 10 months. I remember my first night away in my first apartment. I can remember the exact feeling. It was like everything was moving in slow motion. I remember cooking my first dinner on the stove and reaching in slow motion for every ingredient and utensil. I made a whole box of pasta. Hahaha. I was used to cooking for two and having leftovers! I could barely eat back then, let alone a whole box of angel hair! It’s funny to me now. As always it’s nice to reflect how far I’ve come and I’m grateful that so many of those tortured heart sick moments are in the past.

Speaking of, ex doesn’t get much of my head space anymore. However, every now and again I’ll get my psychoanalyser out and make-up where he might be at. It’s interesting to me that he still harbors so much anger/ hatred towards me. While I’ll never know for sure, I think he has to hold on to that anger to continue to justify his actions. Could be very wrong. But I remember back when I was a teenager, my dad and I used to argue a lot. I was very independent and as the oldest daughter, he was very protective. We were at odds a lot. He was strict and I would get mad over something petty and I explicitly remember trying to hold on to the anger to prove a point. Even if it wasn’t real, I still had to act like I was still pissed or whatever I was feeling at the time in order to hold my ground as a mature young woman (hehehe).

That’s obviously something I grew out of, but I was questioning if that’s something my ex has been doing. I mean other than wanting a fair divorce, I have done nothing to him. In all honesty, if he’s mad at anyone, it should be himself because I’m not in his life at all.how can he be mad at me 4 YEARS later?

Anyway, just a Monday musing.

I have a busy week ahead and a fun weekend. I’m looking forward to the activities coming up.

Have a great day!

Last edited by Pax_luv; 06/03/19 08:23 PM.

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Originally Posted by Pax_luv
I can’t wait to see where I’ll be in 10 months.


Heck yea Pax! I’m excited for you! I think you are in for some big, positive changes over the next year. It’s going to be exciting!

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He's mad because he thought dumping you would make him happy and guess what? He's still not!

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Hey pin!! Yes! The freedom will be exciting. Xoxo

Kml- you’re probably right. Also, one day I would like the validation that he feels he made a huge mistake. Wishful and selfish thinking on my part.... gotta let that go. The outcome doesn’t change for me.

With that, just a little midday verbal venting—-

There’s some paperwork that needs to be done in order to get the settlement process going. My ex is supposed to initiate it. I’m perturbed that my lawyer is the one initiating it and then sending it to ex and his L to actually fill out. If my lawyer doesn’t do it, they’ll just sit on it and not act. Much like the bifurcation. I’m now 14 months post bifurcation with no court papers submitted bc they haven’t done it.

So, yes, I want this to get moving but why am I paying my lawyer to do their work??? Do you think it’s intentional so I have to pay more or do you think they’re that inactive/lazy?

Also, when I got the house appraised on my own, I got the report back for my use only. I paid for it because they wouldn’t help. So his lawyer is trying to get a court order for me to share the appriasal. Ummm no. There’s some legal stipulation that I don’t have to. Anyway, there’s threats from their side... blah blah.

I make up that my ex is going to say that it’s a bias appraisal anyway, much like he did for everything else- the CPA etc.


Grrr go away, ex!!!


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June tends to be a particularly reflective month since it’s the month I moved out of the house four years ago. I don’t feel any sadness over it, it’s not really an anniversary or milestone... it just is a time-marker.

I have been working so hard at my job the last two weeks and when I got home from work yesterday, I passed out on the couch. I woke up two hours later and ended up going to bed a few hours later than usual since I was rested. Well.... I ended up not being able to fall asleep until 5am. Decided I would arrive at work late and allowed myself to wake up at 9am.

Being so groggy, I’m not in the best of moods and am feeling a little resentful... ok a lot resentful. I need to shift my thinking because it’s robbing my focus today. So here I go to vent a little...

I have two small chips in my car windshield. I know I should get them filled, but it’s not a priority. Driving to work today and looking at those chips was a trigger.

As I’ve eluded several times in my story telling, ex made me get rid of my dream car for the car i have now. He said he needed to get all assets out of his name because he was in a lawsuit and he needed to prove he had nothing to give should he lose the lawsuit. He was hiding cash, sold off other assets including a townhouse, etc. he wanted me to declare bankruptcy with him. Actually he told me we’d have to declare bankruptcy, but not to worry because we weren’t actually bankrupt, it was only supposed to look like we were bankrupt. He said, it would only be on record for 7 years and our lifestyle wouldn’t change except we wouldn’t be able to go on vacation for a couple years.

Thank god in heaven I was adamantly opposed to fraud. I refused. Looking back, i could have had a REal Housewives of New Jersey situation on our hands (if you get the reference). Thank god he didn’t manipulate me into filing bankruptcy- even though he was trying—- “we need to do it for us. For our future”. F you, ex! The compromise was that I would get a new car in my name only. I didn’t want to, but one day he drove us to the lot after marriage counseling and we got the car. In my heart, it wasn’t right, but I was soooo stupid. we were having issues but even though I wasn’t going to commit fraud, I needed to show i still had his back so I got the car in my name. Dumb dumb dumb dumb.

Two weeks later, I got the ILYBINILWY and that was that. I was getting ready to move out because I loved him and would do anything to make it work. He wanted space. He wanted to “miss me.” So I made the ultimate sacrifice “for us” and I moved out because the house would be a lot for me to take care of on my own. My ex made sure I knew that.

So, then I was on my own with a $500 a month car payment that I didn’t want nor could I afford.... and he was sitting pretty at the house bankrolling another women’s abortion. He had to help her because she was a struggling actress and it would ruin her career. <——- there aren’t enough expletives to explain how I felt/feel about this.

And yet....there I was.... struggling to make ends meet, filled with immense gratitude that I didn’t commit fraud because I would be totally screwed trying to make it on my own with a bankruptcy attached to me.

Here I am 4 years later still unable to move on bc of what he has done to me financially. I know my lawyer is working on it, but I’m stuck. I hate him.

He no longer robs me of joy, but I get those moments where I’m mostly mad at myself for putting up with so much crap for so long... and then being the root of his unhappiness.


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Hello. Checking in...
My posts are getting spread further and further apart. It’s good.

I find myself popping in because today would have been my 9 year wedding anniversary. I’ve officially gone through this day 5 times since ex and I split and this is the first year I’m not saddened by it at all. Progress!

Current state- Still not divorced. Still haven’t received the bifurcation papers from April 2018. Insane. We have a mandatory settlement conference scheduled at the end of the year. For some reason ex recently pushed to get it done in the next 30 days. I definitely don’t see it happening.

Since ex was sanctioned, and is now covering some of my legal fees, I am finding it slightly easier to breathe. I can afford my bills right now and that’s also progress. Now if only I could start saving up and get some vacay in there!

I’ll be honest, to this day I still get a little perturbed, jealous, angry that ex has gone through this unscathed. Now don’t get me wrong, there’s a side I don’t see at all, but he seems to be doing well. I feel like he just chewed me up and spit me out and went on his merry way. That’s a little hard for me to wrap my brain around. Never once have I felt even a slight degree of uncertainty or remorse. It’s odd. I would understand if I was this heinous person who abused him, but I wasn’t and it has been hard to process it all.

Also, people would say that the fact he’s been sanctioned by the judge three times demonstrates that he didn’t get away unscathed, but it doesn’t seem proportionate to what he has done. Especially what he has done to me financially- during the marriage and even after. He wrote checks in my name totalling roughly 30k to his sister... and she cashed them knowing they weren’t written by me (obviously that was pre-meditated). He made me go in debt over a car I didn’t want, he tried to say my paycheck didn’t go to the mortgage therefore I have no rights to the house. And I’ve had to fight ALL of this. It’s been so exhausting. And here he is sitting pretty. Since we’ve separated, he’s purchased 2 investment properties, multiple vehicles, etc. there’s even (another) new Range Rover in the driveway.

Ha! What financial restraining order? The rules don’t apply to him. And so far (with the exception of those sanctions )the court doesn’t really seem to care.

All that makes me seem bitter and I guess I am because this financial piece is the last piece I need to move on... I mean really move on. Well, other than 100% firming up dog custody.

Ahh.... this process really does take a long time, but as everyone says, there is light at the end of the tunnel. And for anyone new here, PROTECT YOUR FINANCES!!!! Don’t second guess it.


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Why oh why are you trying to get this done before 10 years of marriage? You know that after ten years of marriage, you can collect spousal benefits on his social security if its higher than you own benefits. Better yet, if he dies you can claim widows benefits!

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Ahhhhh Pax... you are getting there. Hope it will all be over for you soon. Your story is crazy though! Glad their was no sadness with the anniversary. Progress progress progress!

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sorry honey and listen to kml xoxoxo

also bizarre as this may sound, don't take this personally ... it's about him. you will be ok and you are still in your 30s - plenty of time to take care of yourself on the finances front.

Last edited by bttrfly; 07/25/19 12:08 PM.

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Hey guys,
I’m not at all worried about getting to that 10 year mark. We’ve been going through this divorce longer than we’ve been married, I’m just trying to re-coup what I invested in the house and my legal fees and of course equal custody of my dog (if not more!).

I have a good job and can take care of myself just fine (that is, when I’m not paying out 3k a month in legal fees).

Anyway, it was about a month ago that he was rushing to get this done in 30 days and so far.... not a peep. I guess that’s to be expected. Whatevs!

I’ve noticed even more shifting in myself the last few months. I’m no longer afraid of him. I’m not willing to walk on eggshells around him out of fear of his threats. Ahhh progress. I am mindful of approaching him for my own sanity.... as in..,. I just don’t want to deal with him and the backlash, but he no longer terrifies me.

I do have to send him an email about the dog schedule today. I need to adjust my dates on two occasions. I used to be fearful that even asking to adjust would cause me to look like I’m not capable of taking care of my dog, but I know that’s not accurate. We’ll shall see how he responds.

Have a nice week everyone!


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Originally Posted by Pax_luv

I’ve noticed even more shifting in myself the last few months. I’m no longer afraid of him. I’m not willing to walk on eggshells around him out of fear of his threats. Ahhh progress. I am mindful of approaching him for my own sanity.... as in..,. I just don’t want to deal with him and the backlash, but he no longer terrifies me.

I do have to send him an email about the dog schedule today. I need to adjust my dates on two occasions. I used to be fearful that even asking to adjust would cause me to look like I’m not capable of taking care of my dog, but I know that’s not accurate. We’ll shall see how he responds.

Have a nice week everyone!


so proud of you pax! as someone who still has ptsd from years of ex's spew, I know how hard it is to get to where you are. well done gf!!! :* <3

Last edited by bttrfly; 08/06/19 11:11 AM.

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Oh btrfly- the ptsd is real. Hugs to you. It’s rough. I still get triggered over a few things and I do have that reminder that I wasn’t enough for my ex. Just got to keep growing and learning.


Interestingly, I am at a bit of an emotional high right now. I watched a “feel good” divorce movie before bed and found myself questioning my worth. Not really, but kind of. In this movie, the woman’s ex greatly regretted his actions and really wanted to try again but it was too late. She couldn’t go back. While it was a movie and completely scripted, I’ve never had any sadness from ex at all. I’ve shared that a ton here so no need to recap, but I still get pangs over it. I no longer blame myself for him falling out of love with me, but I have that deep rooted trauma of constantly doing doing doing doing for ex in order to meet his needs or support the next moving target. And never getting it right.

So, it’s almost 5am here. Been up for the last 2 hours taking down a drunk driver with my neighbor. Ok. That sounds dramatic, but together we called the cops. That was actually the real reason I came on here. Just needed a release. Around 330 there was a huge crash outside my window, I didn’t see what happened but I heard it, so I peeked out. I knew a car had crashed into something but it had turned the corner out of view. I noticed my neighbor across the way was out on her patio because she heard it too. Basically, the guy was wasted and then he tried to squeeze his little dodge-neon size car into the “space” next to the handicap stall. He actually fit but drove too far ahead straight into the bushes. Neighbor ran out to watch him and she called the cops. Meanwhile, I was a creeper who filmed from the balcony. The guy couldn’t even stand and I think he saw her watching him so he got back into the car and fled. I knew it was safer to stay where I was but feel terrible that I couldn’t stop him from starting the car and driving off. Anyway, I was imagining him being on the road with my loved ones and that freaked me out. So stupid and dangerous. WIt’s really scary seeing someone that inebriated get into a car. A few mins later the cops came (4 vehicles) and as soon as they started questioning us, they got the call that he was found and would be taken into custody. Thank goodness

Not going to lie...it was scary. I absolutely hated seeing that. I was feeling a bit sad as I went to bed and to be awoken with that fear and adrenaline just compounds it. I have this slight feeling of doom and wonder if this is what people feel when they have a panic attack. I’m ok..., just emotionally fried I guess.


Last edited by Pax_luv; 08/11/19 12:08 PM.

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panic attacks vary in intensity in my experience. slight feeling of doom can be a precursor, but it's generally more not being able to breathe, feeling heaviness on your chest, sometimes heavy sweats, hyperventilating, it's an ugly process.

I'm sorry you woke up to that. try a soothing bath and a nap, if possible to re-set.
xoxoxo

yes, I get that sadness. my ex has never ever displayed any remorse for destroying our family. I'm an adult, I signed up for marriage knowing there is always a possibility a marriage will fail, but our son did NOT sign up for this and that's the part I have the hardest time with. I just did a 4th and 5th step on relationships and I see patterns imprinted on me from birth which lead me to making the choices I've made. Hopefully those patterns are now broken and the choices I make moving forward will be more in alignment with my true self, rather than with the old ways.

You may want to do some writing on relationships you've had to see what percolates out for you. xoxox not today tho. today you need to re-set and relax.


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Oh how things shift.
It’s late-around 12:30am and I’m just so exhausted.

Last month, my ex was trying to push this through as quickly as possible. And well... there was no peep.
Finally, they opened up with a settlement offer which is beyond anything comprehensible. I pay him, give him my retirement, he keeps house, all furniture, etc and he’ll let me have the dog 2 days a month.

Obviously that’s bull. But I’m sooo tired. I’m soooo tired of this. I want this over so badly, but I feel like I’ll never get there. I’m not religious but I just have to pray and pray and pray that when this does get in front of the judge, she’ll be reasonable.... because I know we won’t find middle ground on our own.

I know I’m strong, but I can’t take his bullying anymore. Oh my god..... I can’t.
He was actually pleasant to me for 30 seconds the other day. I didn’t read anything positive in it... and now I know why. He is beyond manipulative.

Somebody please smack me with harsh reality and tell me to trust the system and that the court has seen this many times. I have no faith right now.


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Pax,

The settlement that they are offering you is a bunch of BS. You have rights and you need to work w/your lawyer and stay the course. Sounds like he's had too much fairy dust blown into his face...the only way that he will get all that he is asking for is if you agree to the terms....don't do it!

Trust the system, know your rights and stick to them. Do not waffle one inch or he'll try to take everything from you. Stand firm. The bullying and manipulating will continue in order to try to break you down to say "enough, I'll give it all to you just to get you to go away". Don't do it!

Yes, the court systems have seen and continue to see a lot of this BS and the lawyers just eat it up because they can spot a MLCer a mile away...but you are the sane one and need to stand firm.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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honey i hope a good night's sleep has given you strength.
this is absolute BS as Job said. Dig deeper. Lean in. You can do this. Do NOT give this S.O.B. your future. He's already taken enough of your past and present.

love you girl. hang in there.
xxoxoo


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What does your lawyer say about all this? That's pretty ridiculous. You were married for 5 years - in most states, even if it's no-fault community property and he earned nothing and you were the primary breadwinner, the most he could get would be 2 1/2 years of alimony and half of joint property. Maybe part of a 401k if you have one but only related to contributions you made during those 5 years. What was HIS earning history during the marriage? Who paid the down payment and mortgage payments on the house?

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Took me a little bit to get back to center, but I’m mostly back. Thank you all for being the voice of reason. I desperately needed the input. Sometimes I need to lean on others to give me a reality check. I do still get sucked into his vortex sometimes.
My lawyer and I talked and he came up with our proposal which is VASTLY different and not on par with the direction ex wanted to go in so I do suspect it will all get settled out during the mandatory settlement. We haven’t submitted it yet because my lawyer and I need to talk through some items.... he was incredibly fair and to the book. Which is good. There’s literally not one cent over what it should be and zero inflated line items etc. I’m ok with it because it’s reall... so we’ll see what happens.

Anyway, I am feeling about 2 inches tall right now. And I’m sad/ hurt. When I Picked up my dog, ex was having a party and the women looked like they were straight out of real housewives of San Diego. Skinny, glam blondes like they were dressed for the race track or something. They were closer to his age so they’re older..... but they have me feeling like a teeny tiny woman. I know I’m nNot supposed to say it but it’s hard.... here’s little ole me trying to get by day to day. And there he is throwing parties with hot women and living it up. He even had my dog dressed up all cute. Wtf is that??? I’m the one that dresses my dog. Ok- I know my outlook isn’t very becoming but I’m gonna allow my self to feel low for a moment.


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do not compare your insides to someone else's outside.

I'm glad you are mostly back to center. focus on your dog enjoy your time together.

As difficult as it is, try to put stbx and his activities out of your mind.

try to envision the life you want after this. it sounds like your lawyer is a good guy and good for you keeping it fair and reasonable.

you matter. xoxoxo


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hugs Pax! ugh!

Miss blfy is right though.... it's all surface stuff.... all of it. Hope you feel better today.

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Hola! Just popping in to say hello.

I just got back from a week-long medical mission in the Caribbean last night and am currently napping the day away. As expected, it was a very meaningful experience. Lots of work, but very impactful. My soul needed it and I also needed an ego check to put things into perspective. I had been struggling with a few things related to my real job for several weeks, and admittedly I needed to immerse myself in this to give me a reality check. Plus I just like volunteering and giving back. Before leaving, I had been really frustrated with many things that, at the end of the day, don’t matter. They just don’t. Who cares if I don’t get credit for a project when there are people in this world who never will be in this position, who don’t even have running water! God, my life is good and I need to appreciate all of it.

Anyway, two days ago, at sunrise, I was in a tiny motorboat on my way to a reef to go snorkel before we wrapped up clinic. I was staring at the scenery and sparkling blue water and ex popped into my head for some reason. I hadn’t thought about him once the whole week. It was nice to forget about the reality of the divorce for a bit and I long for the day that it will officially be behind me. I had realized that when I thought of him I felt nothing. It might have been the environment, but there I was cruising through the waters and I was checking myself for emotion. I felt NOTHING. No sadness, anger, nothing. It was weird, but good. I’ve definitely made emotional progress with all of this (only took 5 years. Hahaha)

The snorkeling was great... came out with 20+ jelly fish stings but they were the small zingers.... the sting didn’t linger too long and now it just looks like I have an assortment of bug bites all over my body. The stings, coupled with mosquito bites, and a couple bruises and scrapes make me look like I’ve been through stuff.

Speaking of stuff- I met Bob Marleys sister. Woah that woman is a ray of light. She was singing a song on the piano (she’s crazy talented), and then came up and gave me a huge hug. She grabbed my hand, looked me in the eyes and said, you’ve been through stuff. You’ve been enlightened. I see it in you. I’ve been through stuff, I’ve been enlightened. You keep that with you always. (And then she got a little woo-woo), but anyway, that is a moment I will remember for the rest of my light.


I was supposed to be with my dog today, but ex decided it no longer worked for him. He’s a POS, but he’s no longer my POS. I’m not fighting this particular instance... I don’t feel the need to. He doesn’t rile me up. Yes I love my dog and yes I want to see him, but I’m not willing to die on this hill right now. I hope to have the court stuff outlined so he can’t do this.

That’s all I got for now. Life is good.


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Pax, so happy to see your update. I love the happiness and light it shows. I love that you didn't let him use the dog to hurt you yet again. It really is all he has at this point. I hope that he will quickly figure out that it isn't working and let you have your dog when you are supposed to.

I know what you mean about feeling nothing. I had that same thought today. Far different from the numbness at the beginning. This is a good nothing. Just a small object in the rearview mirror nothing.

Hope the divorce wraps up soon and with no more drama.

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Thank you own!

Things have changed. It all takes time. I feel like myself again. It’s nice that I’m not struggling as much financially since ex was sanctioned 3 times and is basically covering my legal fees (for now). I felt very stuck for a long time. The situation was quite dire, and now I’m back... not totally free yet, but I’m back to myself.

Anyway, I was working on a presentation this evening and looking for a photo (yessssss I add pics of my dog to my PowerPoints..... when relevant, of course wink ) and I came across some old photos of ex that I couldn’t bring myself to delete way back when. And now..... they are gone! I felt it was time and so I deleted, deleted, deleted. I did get sad when going through some of the pics because I could remember the fear and sadness at the time. So much sadness. It was so painful going through it. Ugh. Just awful. I looked at our photos from our last anniversary dinner together. He had no emotion in those eyes. You could tell he was gone. That was the night he said- if we’re not pregnant in two months there’s no point in being married.

Looking at where I’m at right now—- That statement above makes me sad. I’m starting to accept that I might not be in a position to have biological children and should maybe think of adopting. At the same time that really opens me up to refocusing on going back to school and doubling down on career aspirations. I don’t know. My birthday is in a couple weeks and I’m no closer to being in a relationship or being a mom. I have to accept this.... it’s tough.

Other than that, I feel like I’ve landed on my feet and I’m ok.


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Look at the mind games your XH has played with the dog. Can you imagine what a D would've been like if you and your XH had a child? I absolutely think a D would've happened too, by the way - a person who can do what he's done was never going to be able to last the distance required for a long term marriage. He is broken and a baby would have only made it worse.

I think if you focus on what you can actually, definitely do without the help of anybody else you are going to be in a great position when the Universe comes knocking. By then, you'll be well and truly good to go.


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Originally Posted by devvo
Look at the mind games your XH has played with the dog. Can you imagine what a D would've been like if you and your XH had a child? I absolutely think a D would've happened too, by the way - a person who can do what he's done was never going to be able to last the distance required for a long term marriage. He is broken and a baby would have only made it worse.

I think if you focus on what you can actually, definitely do without the help of anybody else you are going to be in a great position when the Universe comes knocking. By then, you'll be well and truly good to go.


^^ couldn't have said it better myself!

Glad you are feeling back to yourself Pax... you have been through a ton! Keep it up!

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Hey devvo and pinn. I definitely agree wholeheartedly that ex doesn’t have it in him to sustain a long term relationship. And yes, having a child with him would have been an absolute nightmare. It would have been pure torture to deal with child custody.
I’m grateful that I didn’t have human children with him and I’m sorry my dog has to be shepherded back and forth but i think he enjoys his life.


Anyway, what a sad evening. I had to commute via the train today and on the way home, we accidentally hit a cyclist and this person didn’t make it. I got a bit flustered that people were moaning and groaning that they were going to be stuck on the train for hours and hours while someone was literally fighting for their life right on the other side of the doors. It was so sad but I was a little disgusted by the lack of compassion. Where’s the humanity, people?!?!? Ugh. I’m sad for society. Kind of need some love right now and wish I had someone to give a big hug to. I’m grateful I got to come home tonight... even if it was a couple hours late. Someone else wasn’t so fortunate.

Last edited by Pax_luv; 09/27/19 05:32 AM.

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Sorry that you had to witness both the accident and its aftermath. All we can do is try to do better ourselves.

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Hello there,
I continue to post less and less and am finding it more and more challenging to keep up with threads. That’s the sign of progress, I guess. It’s a good thing.

Having a hard time falling asleep so I thought I would journal here. In terms of the divorce, We’re getting closer to the mandatory settlement. If you’ve followed along, you know I’ve tried to play a clean karma game this whole time. I had to be very firm on the legal side of things to protect myself from my ex. Funny, He thinks I’ve played every game in the book and I’m a gold digger because I haven’t succumbed to his demands. Oh well. I know the truth. Interestingly enough, it was about a month ago, he got mad at me for dropping off the dog late (12 minutes) and gave me a big earful and was yelling at me from the porch. I didnt apologize like the old pax would do, and he ended up telling me that I was being passive aggressive. I actually thought this was amusing. I don’t react to him at all anymore and now I’m passive aggressive. Oh well. Think all you want buddy! Sad that I’m actually to the point of complete indifference.

Going back to why I’m here. (And I can’t remember if I shared this or not). As the years have gone on, I have become less afraid of sharing the details of my sitch out of fear of being found out. The truth is, this whole divorce has played out exactly as I expected it to so I Don’t feel like I have anything to lose. All that can happen now, is ex will find this site and then sue me for defamation of character or something. Heck, he sued my lawyer for making degrading comments about him in court. They were all true, by the way. The case was thrown out because by law, ex couldn’t sue my lawyer.

Anyway...

In my settlement proposal, my lawyer did put a dig in there outlining all the money that ex paid to another woman... the same woman who’s abortion he funded.... the same woman who pretty much had my ex in tears because he was so upset that she didn’t ask him to keep the baby. That poor woman was a struggling actress and it would ruin her career if she had a baby. (You can’t tell but I’m being very sarcastic as I type this out).

So, my lawyer thought it should be documented so he can pay back the community for misuse of funds. I actually agree, but it’s a low blow on my part. And that’s not usually how I act. We haven’t submitted it yet but I’ve been going back and forth on whether or not it should be included. Hmmmmm. Again... nothing to lose. He was responsible for his actions during the marriage. What a charmer.


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Pax, glad you are feeling more comfortable in sharing more.

What is to be gained by outing the abortion expense? I have no idea how much they cost, but I'm guessing not significant. If your gut is saying don't do it, then I would go with that. How you feel about yourself is far more important than what he thinks about you or feeling the need to get back at him in some way. If you do list it, why not put "third party medical expense" so that it shows you are focused on the money (which is your right) and not the salacious aspect of it. He knows that you know.

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Alienation of affection is a seldom used law and not available everywhere but does apply. There was an interesting recent case in British Columbia / Canada reported on CBC News where the OW was sued in small claims court for costs. I don't think it went much of anywhere but did proceed so perhaps establishes a precedent.

As OwnIt suggests though - is the materiality worth the pain? I think for many of us that we reach a point where we just want it to end and will walk away leaving things on the table. In my case limping because when my ex counter-offered my leg was kicked quite firmly by my lawyer who was frantically whispering "take it take it take it" wink


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whatever you decide to do, base your decision on how you will feel about yourself in the long term, when this is a distant memory. you've been through so much, I don't want you to do something that you may regret down the road. You're a woman of compassion, love and light. Don't lose sight of that. xoxoxoxo I like OwnIt's suggestion a lot, but it's your situation and you know best.

xoxoxo no matter what you decide xoxoxo


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Hi own, Andrew and brtrfly,
Thanks for the comments and sentiments. Own- I do like the term 3rd party medical expenses. You are right, it’s not that much money. Also, I forgot to mention that he was also giving her petty cash out of his business account.

This is going to sound terrible but for a second, I thought-ok this is it... after so many years of his bullying, this is my chance to reciprocate. I’ve been solid this whole time, been completely drug through the mud, and now here’s the time where (hopefully) justice will be served. No, it 10000% is not in my nature to “blast” anyone.... I just thought, here we are 4+ years out and now he has to face the music and face what he’s done.

And when I say that, please understand that there’s no vindictiveness in there. It sounds like there is, but there’s isn’t. It’s more like- I’m not covering for him anymore and sacrificing myself as a result.

At the end of the day, I’m not going to put the abortion in there. I’m ready to move on and get this over with. It’s been so crazy to try and recover everything that he’s taken from me. Like when he wrote checks in my name to my sister in law totalling over 30k and how he withdrew over 100k from our account just a few days before we separated. I’m reliving all of this again and again. And I’m pissed. I’m leaving a couple things on the table, but I just can’t fight it all.

Ughhh. I hope karma is kind to him.

Just a few more months and I will be free of him! I can’t wait. Can. Not. Wait.

In other news, I’m very ready to move. I wish my lease was up now. Even though I would prefer to buy something, i would be ok with breaking my lease and finding somewhere else to live.
This place served me very well during my separation and I have no complaints at all except for the fact that it’s not home. It was my temporary landing place and now I’m ready to move on. This girl is ready to soar! No more holding me back.


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Pax, time passes faster than we think it will in the moment. Use the time you have left in your lease to decide what you want to do for you and where you want to be. I've changed my mind a few times, but have really settled into the idea of where I want to be long-term, which parts of town I will look at in my preferred location, and exactly the kind of house I want to have. I am so excited for you that you are envisioning this new life. I see you standing there trying out those nascent wings and getting ready to take flight.

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Hi there....
Kind of funny and rediculously stupid story to share. But I have to dump it here because I’m like wth????

So I ran into a little snag with a meeting that I had a couple hours north of home. Long story short, there were a lot of things to coordinate and I wasn’t going to be able to pick up my dog from ex today at the exact time that we normally swap. (We swap at 530 on the dot and not a second sooner (rolls eyes) )

Anyway, to manage my time in traffic and the unpredictability of a ton of fires in the area... I decided to train it home but I would get in 15 minutes later than usual. So I asked ex if he could accommodate and let me get the dog a few mins late. .

Of course he couldn’t. (Rolls eyes again)- he has tickets and dinner plans and he can’t help, but I could get the dog in the morning.

I say forget it because a friend of mine volunteered to get him at 530. Stupid me thought I could ask the favor in my moment of struggle. Lesson learned. I should have known. Take care of it myself NO MATTER WHAT.

Anyway.... so my friend goes and gets the dog. She’s never been to my old house and never met ex. I give her the low down on how the swap occurs. So I tell her how ex opens the door and let’s the dog run out and then shuts the door.

So she gets there at 522 and then at 530 he comes out and introduces himself to her! She was shocked because he was acting all familiar and super friendly. My dog was happy to see her and her dog because they are friends so he was extra happy and surprised to see them. So my ex tells her, “ wow- you get a better reception than you-know-who!”

Ummmm what!?!? So my friend is shocked that he would make that statement in front of her- he’s never even met her! Then he says to her “thank you, this works out so much better for me.” Again he’s extra familiar and courteous.

So..... I’m still scratching my head over it. My friend (who dabbles in criminal psych) was like- I think he’s a sociopath. “That was the weirdest thing I’ve experienced. Im still stunned. Just shocked!”


I don’t know about sociopath per se, but mlc for sure. What an odd and very bold interaction from him.


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Yes, he is very disturbed. So he makes a stranger wait 8 minutes (when he has tickets and dinner plans) so he can come out precisely at 5:30. Then he insults you to your friend, puts on faux charm, and makes it about him. I have thought he was at least NPD and possibly something worse like sociopath. I guess what really matters is that you will shortly not be involved with him any longer except as concerns the dog. I cannot even imagine how you prepare yourself for these exchanges.

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Ownit,
Yeah... it doesn’t much make sense. Admittedly I did try to decipher it a bit. A pointless exercise, but it’s my effort to find compassion for the guy and maybe justify my sanity.... not so sure.

I made up that he was being overly exaggerated and familiar with my friend because he was faking the fact that he had plans and was just being a stubborn donkey.
Who knows.

Quite frankly, I think he thinks that I play games with him... because he plays games with me. After all these years, I don’t think he’s differentiated himself from me at all. I’m a totally different person than him. I made this up after his recent comment about me being passive aggressive in which I wanted to respond.... nope... just don’t care.

Not sure if that makes sense at all... it’s all just mind reading and hypotheses.

Anyway, I’m about 6 weeks out from our mandatory settlement. I am through the roof excited. I really can see the light now. It’s almost over! After every set back over the last few years, I imagined myself physically climbing out of a huge valley onto the top of a mountain peak. I could sense when I made it to the peak and then would try to enjoy it as much as possible because I knew a deep valley would be next, but each time I fell into that valley I used new tools to get out of it. Soon, the pain of the dips became less and less.

And now here I am.... I almost see flat horizon ahead. I’m very much looking forward to it.

I really want to do something big for New Years this year to celebrate. Whenever I closed my eyes and pictured the light at the end of the tunnel, I imagined a million twinkly lights like that of the Eiffel Tower. I’ve been trying to make a Paris trip happen, but I’m not sure I could swing it.

The other option (and this is a major bucket list that I’ve always wanted to do) is ring in the new year in Times Square. I’ve heard it is a huge pain in the butt, but I’ve just always wanted to see it myself. There are still a few hotel rooms available and it’s cheaper than Paris. (I still have a budget after all... I haven’t completely recovered from this financially yet.. still have to be a little sensible!)

I don’t know, but I feel like I need to do something to recognize this completely fresh start. New year, new decade. I can put the last decade behind me- my ex and I got married in 2010.

I’ve also always wanted to stay in an ice hotel and there’s one that opens Jan 2. So that might be an option too.

Either way, I’m excited to release the weight of this divorce that I’ve been carrying for too long. I actually caught myself saying today “I’m so happy. Genuinely happy. A little scared out of fear that something bad is going to creep up. But today I’m genuinely happy.” (Haha and these are my internal conversations that I just have with myself. Caught myself being all positive 3 times today!)

I’ve mentioned this before but it always catches me off guard when I’m feeling super good. I guess I’m used to walking around with stress, anxiety, etc so it surprises me when it’s not there. Not that everything is all rainbows and butterflies at all. It certainly is NOT! But I’ve landed on my feet and I feel good.


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Pax, if you go to Times Square, reach out.


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Completely natural Pax. Those of us who have been treated poorly tend to be anxious when things feel good. I bet after a while that will go away. Times Square is interesting and very lit up on a normal night (can't imagine NYE). I find NY to be very, very cold because of the winds whipping down those avenues. If you go, bring warm clothing (scarf, gloves and hat are a must), good shoes for walking (you will do lots of it) and eat at the Black Tap. Great burgers and insane milkshakes. You'll also be right where all the shows are, so if you go, catch a musical or a drama or something (go to the TKTS booth for discounted tickets). I always spend lots of time around Lincoln Center and there are some good restaurants and shopping there. The pizza by the 72nd street subway entrance (there is a Parisian bakery next door) is the best. Something about the crust. Chelsea Market is really awesome, probably too cold for the Highline then, but a walk around Greenwich Village is good too. I think you will have a great time. Take a friend if you can.

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OwnIt, I see I was right about your daughter! Will you tell me next time you go?

Last edited by Gerda; 11/06/19 03:44 AM.

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Just a non update journal entry-
A couple of things have happened in the last two weeks that have put me in a different headspace. Not in a bad way at all and I’m still feeling good- just a couple things happened that had me reflecting over ex a bit.

I still have some of my own ego to deal with in terms of accepting the fact that I’m the bad guy in his narrative. This feeling has creeped up a couple times over the years and while I’ve gotten better at it, I still get this sense of how “unfair” it is for me to be his villain. Former friends and in laws completely and utterly dismissed me without even questioning the reality of the situation. I try to be a good human and no, it doesn’t sit well with me knowing that someone out there has fabricated my integrity. Again... that’s my ego and something I have to deal with. It comes up from time to time and I try to accept it but it’s hard.

I think this was all triggered by his interaction with my friend where he put me down in front of her. I wish I could go to him and say, “ don’t you have anything better to do than minimize my existence?” But I don’t.... and then bite my tongue as I have for the last few years.

I think this reflection caused me to have a dream about him. For some reason I had to take a shower in his new house—in his master bathroom. When I got out, I was snooping through the women’s jewelry on the night stand to get a better feel for the woman he replaced me with. I was trying to get a sense for why and how she is so much better than me. Then, in the dream, ex caught me snooping and I commented, “nice jewelry” and he replied, “this is what you wanted. Come on pax..... what did you expect me to do?” He was all sad about it.

The, I woke myself up. I distinctly remember the feeling of saying No to myself. “I’m not doing this,” and I woke myself up. I was pretty much crying out of frustration because it’s hopeless.. I feel like I’m always going to have this mindf*ck. Where I’m always the bad guy, where I’m always going to be fighting him, where I’m always going to be wrong In every situation. I mean.... all we have now is the dog and that is a struggle.

And to be honest... I don’t know how to relax and be completely myself in certain situations because of this conditioning. For example, I went to Costco the other day with a friend. I hate Costco... it’s just chaos. Now..... I can deal with crowds that are more orderly like concerts, massive marathons, etc, but the free-for-all of Costco is too much for me. I’m the conservative one who lets people pass in front of me with their carts, and reach over me while I’m looking at something. I’m not the one cutting people off and being overly assertive. My ex is that person... he would basically shove carts out of the way with his cart and it made me very uncomfortable. He would get frustrated and get snippy with me because I was not that way.

So, last week, while we were at Costco, I kind of got into my catatonic self, where i just look like a deer caught in the headlights and I kept waiting for my friend to get mad at me like my ex would. I was expecting it! Long story short, she didn’t, and was even supportive of me!! But I was on edge because I have a learned response in that environment and I got triggered.

Ugh. Same goes for a guy that’s in my life right now. It’s not really a defined thing, but I keep waiting for him to get pissy at me for being myself. I am myself and I’m not trying to be someone I’m not, but I’m still waiting to be judged and ridiculed for it.

I guess I just need to trust and believe that I’m good enough as I am. I spent a decade in a relationship where it wasn’t safe to be me and nothing i did was ever good enough. And even though I’m 5 years out of that relationship, I still have those triggers. Maybe it’s because ex is still lurking in the background.

Ahhhhh. Ok that was cathartic.


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Hi pax

It actually helped me to own up to being the villain a bit. Not that I was. But in my mind, I knew what him and his friends and his mom thought and I just figured they already think it - so who cares. I can say and do anything and it doesn’t matter. I can be the “bad guy” and just make it about getting what works in my best interest. It’s a liberating way to think if you can get there.


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Pax:

Totally and completely relate. I feel done and over it and him, but I have two things that still crop up for me. The first is just WTF. Every now and again, I think how in the world did this happen. All of it. Not in sadness or anything, sometimes I even laugh about it. It just still catches me unawares and makes me do that.

The second is exactly what you describe. I can't bear that he or anyone else views me as the bad guy here. From the beginning if I would say it bothered me that he was lying about me to people (his people), my mother would say you shouldn't care anything about those people, what they think, or what he tells them. At first this upset me. I didn't understand why she had to say that. Now, I kind of get it. I really don't care anything he says to them and if they believe him, that is on them. He has treated all of them badly as well. And your friend instantly knew the problem was him, not you. So don't worry that the things he says look bad on you. People see him for what he is, whether they advertise that or not.

I still hate that he thinks he hates me. I don't know why that bothers me. When he refuses to talk to me (about kids, divorce, house) I feel like he is telling me that I don't matter as a person. That I am so insignificant that I don't deserve a response. Took a long time. But I think my son helped me on this one. I always tell the kids, when they say they hate him or don't want to talk to him, or anything, that he is not in a good place, he's depressed, he's hurting too. Finally my son said, "Mom, this is his choice. This is how he is choosing to behave. Stop making excuses for him. He is choosing to do this." Whatever the reason, whatever the cause. This man who gets up and goes to work and cares for the sick, and gets raises for his performance, and bonuses, etc. (and therefore a functional, adult human) is choosing to behave like a nasty piece of you-know-what to the woman who made that life possible for him and the only children he will ever have. He just isn't a good person. Sometimes that is the answer. When a bad person thinks you are the bad guy, should that hurt? I don't think so.

I recently read this book about the science of adult attachment. Very interesting because I've never subscribed a lot to all of that stuff. Well, very interesting to see how avoidants behave in relationships and how easy it is to spot them when you are not nose up against them. You are clearly an anxious attacher (as am I), so you are waiting for the new guy to treat you like the avoidant (avoidants and anxious attachments are drawn to each other but bad news). Sounds like he is a secure attacher, which is the kind you want to be with. Read the book, I think it will give you a lot of "ah has" and help you intellectualize your reaction when you feel this attachment injury in yourself.

You are doing great. Getting there day by day. You have your whole life in front of you. As you shut the door on the past, thank him for the things he has forced you to learn about yourself and what you want and don't want in your new life.

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You guys are the best. Always appreciate the viewpoints. Juju- I’ve definitely tried going there. Just own it... I can be unapologetic for my actions because they already think the worst of me. Hmmm.

Own- ugh sorry that you can relate. It’s exhausting. I’m my heart I know it’s about him and his choices. I know I will look back on this time and be ok with what I’ve done/ haven’t done and be at peace with that. That’s what matters. It’s ages though. This does feel like one of those bags I need to unpack before moving along on my journey.

I definitely want to read the attachment book! Thanks for sharing that. I was stretching on my yoga mat this morning and was trying to pin point parts of my childhood that are making me the way I am right now. (Especially with the attachment that you note). I couldnt recall any dynamic or instance, but doesn’t all trauma stem from childhood??? Anyway, I’m not sure therapizing myself works but I’m not opposed to digging deep.

Interestingly, I just got an email from my ex with a cc to his lawyer outlining his thanksgiving travel plans and he’s taking the dog because he’s his emotional support animal. 2 first class tickets for him and a guest. He intentionally cut out the guests name. Must be nice being broke? The court order states that as soon as he gets back I can get the dog for my make-up time... and ex is trying to push it a few days so the dog can adjust at his home.

Nope...the dog can adjust on my time at his other home with me. Thank you very much.


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Hola- Just a blah blah post because I can’t sleep.

What an obnoxious two hours it has been. I think I’m going to be wired for a bit.

The weather in my neck of the woods has been extreme with swings of 50 degrees. Today was 93. The pressure inside of my head is having a hard time with the changes and I’m having sinus issues. Basically my head is killing me and it’s so dry it hurts to breathe.

So... last night and tonight it is hard to get comfortable because I have my thick warm comforter on my bed but it’s 80 degrees in side of my place. The fans don’t help and I don’t want to turn the air on because it’s all messing with my head too. So I just deal with it.

Tonight Around 10pm, I’m trying to get comfortable and fall asleep, but I have a plug in air freshener in the next room8 that is so strong smelling that it’s hurting my nose because I’m so dried out. This never happens, I’m usually completely fine with scents. So I get rid of it and get back into Bed.

I then thought to myself..., maybe I could run my diffuser to get a little bit of moisture in the air. I get out of bed, turn on the lights, I pull it out, add some water and plug it in.... I then hop into bed and wait for it to start working..... and nothing. The mist function isn’t working but the light function still works. ( Rolls eyes. )

Ok.... so I get out of bed, Drain the water from it and then get back into bed again. I jussstttttttt start to fall asleep when I hear the deafening And echoing chirp of the smoke detector. Nooooooo!!!! Low battery.

That micro-second chirp is just piercing and my heart is racing. The way it echoes in the unit is horrifying. Ughhhhhhh. There are two detectors pretty close together in my unit ( I live in a loft with no official rooms).... so I stand between the two of them to figure out which one it came from.

It’s the one closest to bed.....dang it! I have a sunken bedroom with 12 foot ceilings and no ladder. Every chirp makes my heart race.

These are the detectors that make it pretty impossible to disable so I know I just need to replace the battery which I already know I dont have. Fml.

I go to the garage to see if I by chance have one in my car ( I schlep around supplies for conferences and i know I have at least one in my supply bag).... oh but wait..... my car is in the shop and I have a loaner.

Arg. I can hear my neighbors are awake. The chirping definitely woke them up.

I put on clothes and I track down the overnight security guard on the property who gets me a battery. Now.... I need to somehow change the battery.

I am not going to share what I had to do to replace the battery. I did create a dr Seuss-looking tower of misc odds and ends to stack on top of each other And give me height. It was 10000000% unsafe and i could have seriously injured myself. Not something I want to do again, but holy cow I needed that chirping to stop ASAP.

Ok...so now it’s quiet, I’m back in bed for the fifth time tonight and I hope I can sleep. I also now have a step ladder on hold at Home Depot to pick up tomorrow.

But before I sign off.....kind of a funny thing I noticed with ex when I drop off the dog. So, he opens the door just a crack so the dog can walk inside. He always hides behind the door and I don’t see his face at all. What I noticed, is that he tries to keep the door cracked as little as possible and my dog has to squuuueeeeeeze through to get in. I’ve had to laugh a couple of times because I cant even imagine what ex is thinking. I actually think he might Be paying attention to something else (like maybe peeking through the peep hole) and not even looking down to see the dog trying to squirm in. JUST OPEN THE DOOR!!! Let him in! Crazy!

Ok- the end. I think I’m ready to fall asleep now. Fingers crossed for no more interruptions.


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Dang that smoke detector saga sounds like a nightmare! They are SO annoying too.

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Happy thanksgiving DB land!

Just doing some reflective journaling since I can’t sleep. My neighbors smoke detector is now chirping and they aren’t home. Why???????? It’s that tone that makes my heart skip a beat every time it chirps. Ughh these walls are way too thin.

Anyway, thanksgiving is a weird holiday for me. It was ex’s favorite so I always made a big deal for him. With his dietary restrictions, I always made a special meal just for him. It was the only time of year he seemed to genuinely like his family, even if it only lasted 30 mins. We often went back to his home town for thanksgiving, and I never felt comfortable there because he would talk so much crap about them. It was exhausting!!!!! I won’t get into the dynamic but it was no vacation that’s for sure.

We never really had a last thanksgiving before we split. We visited his family the month prior so we chose not to fly out and stayed local instead. I’ve shared this story before, but The night before thanksgiving my car had a really bad flat tire at work and I was stuck there for a couple hours. Ex couldn’t help me out because he was with his actor friends and quite frankly couldn’t give a crap about me being stranded in a parking garage late at night. Eventually, I got some help from a tow truck driver who helped me get the spare on. (Shame on me for never learning.)

Anyway I got home late- was pretty tired and went to bed. A couple hours later I had severe food poisoning. I remember vomiting My Brains out and laying on the bathroom floor and shivering so much I wrapped myself in a bath towel. I didn’t let my ex know for a couple reasons. I needed to handle it, I didn’t trust him, I knew I wouldn’t get any empathy.

Anyway, long story short, we didn’t have a thanksgiving because I was so sick. Looking back, that was a really hard time because I didn’t know what exactly was happening. I hadn’t officially gotten bd yet, but the writing was on the wall. I just remember pretzeling myself and pretzeling myself and pretzeling myself to keep the peace at home because he was so unhappy. It was a really hard time. I actually am getting emotional right now thinking about how hard that time was. Total mindf**.<

The following thanksgiving, this very board was my refuge. We had separated a few months prior and I didn’t have a handle on anything yet. I was still a mess but I popped in here often throughout the day and was able to keep it together. I remember being with my family feeling like such an outsider trying to have the brave face when I was dying inside. I would sneak away to read the boards and check in on a few of my friends here. This place was such a god send and I’m so grateful for this community. Strangers supporting strangers.... it’s a beautiful thing.


Anyway, here we are 4 years out from that first solo turkey day and I’m doing much better. I may be wrapping this divorce up in exactly 2 weeks and I can’t even believe it. Part of me is nervous that I haven’t done all my homework and I’m leaving a lot on the table (I think I am) and the other part of me has zero energy to even look at another legal document. I just want it to be over.

I think when it does officially end, I’ll have a little bit of a breakdown- not in a bad way. I know I’ve carried an obscene amount of stress and anxiety in my body over this situation and there will be a (very good) let down when it’s finally over.

Last edited by job; 12/03/19 02:42 PM. Reason: added space between paragraphs

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Pax, reading these things always makes me feel so sad for what you have endured, but also that you are out of it. Your ex always seems to hit the NPD bells, not just traits, but the actual condition. I get the wanting to be over. I'm glad for you that after such a long time it is almost done. It will definitely be a time to celebrate.

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A big hug for Pax from Gerda. I too am looking at the past years, holidays and non-holidays, and all the signs I ignored or endured or enabled, all the times I was lonely and alone and not taken care of and thought it was okay to live like that. I am still confused about it. I am not sure if H had as drastic a change as I thought. I mean, I am sure it was drastic, but I am wondering now if he was holding it together all those years we were together and finally couldn't do it anymore, or if what he is now really is the opposite of what he was. I mean, it really was a drastic change, and even my kids refer to the two hims as 'good papa' and 'bad papa' or 'old papa' and 'new papa.'

I guess I am realizing that there were a lot more pretzels than I realized, for a lot more years.

I really recommend two books to you, they are helping me a lot. There are some cheesy or corny parts but it is helping me so much to become aware of my wounds, pre and post H, and to start to heal them. One is called, You Can Thrive After Narcissistic Abuse and the other is called, Whole Again.


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Thanks own- I do think there are some npd tendencies for sure. About two years ago I did look into narcissist abuse support groups. My brain was kind of messed up for a bit, but I think I detached enough and am well on the way to recovery. I don’t doubt that I also had an attachment style that drew me to him in the beginning.

Gerda, thank you for the hug and the book recommendations. I’ll look into them. Side note—-Funnily enough I have a couple of unread books On my night stand that I really need to get through... they are all on productivity and efficiency. I laugh at the fact that I haven’t touched them yet. Hahaha.

Gerda, honestly I’ve found that reflecting on the past has been helpful. Not that I’m stuck there at all, but I continue to learn from that failed relationship and it’s beneficial.


I will say, this was a really good Monday. I worked 10 hours, went and got my dog for makeup time since he was with ex
For thanksgiving, then hosted a work gathering for a few more hours and got to come back to my playful pup. It was pure heaven!

Last night I went to bed actually feeling genuinely grateful that this divorce process has gone as slow as it has because I do feel like I got some control back. I want this divorce, it’s the best thing for me. There’s no way on earth I would go back and I choose that.

If this divorce happened any sooner, I would have felt like he still controlled the situation and I was robbed of the marriage. If it happened any sooner I suspect I would have had some bitterness to work through.

I think he’s a (insert expletive) and I’m glad to be done with it. T-minus 10 days until it’s over for good!!


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congrats Pax on your hard-earned peace of mind. good for you! very proud of you!! xoxoxo


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Counting down with you Pax. Almost there.

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Pax - better days are coming your way! You have been through it all girl.

The future is yours.


Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13
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Thank you all so much! I appreciate it.

So today, I’m just looking for feedback from non-partial bystanders...
I’m not certain yet, but I’m starting to prep my myself mentally for trial. My hope that we’re going to settle is slim to none. From what I’ve read, going to trial is not as terrifying as I imagined. What do you think?

Also... I’ve realized that I’ve done so much by the book that I really haven’t created wiggle room for negotiation. Any negotiations would be a loss for me based on what I should get (ie: half equity, half savings, etc). My lawyer was encouraging me to put the abortion stuff back in there and call out how he didn’t do his fiduciary responsibility as my husband by funding her abortion, giving her petty cash, etc so I could have a little leverage.

Hmmm. What thoughts do you have?

And I’ve consulted my lawyer... I’m looking for another perspective. Thanks in advance.

Last edited by Pax_luv; 12/06/19 11:15 PM.

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I don't think the trial will be that bad. Your lawyer should be able to walk you through. Family matters are different. When you are dealing with someone who is so narcissistic, I think it is inevitable. If you have never googled negotiating with a narcissist, then you should. They literally aren't capable. He needs the judge to tell him how it is going to be.

The lawyer in me says go with your lawyer. The woman in me says do the honorable thing, even if they didn't. It isn't a lot of money and could make look bad with the judge. My guess is that he will reveal what an a$$ he is by himself and you pointing this out only sullies you.

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Yeah but you should be reimbursed half of the money spent on her abortion etc. It gives you something you can give up so the narcissist can feel like he “won”.

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Than you thank you. I agree with both of you. It’s tough.
Here’s the other part-
I feel like I’ve finally gotten ex off my back a little bit. I’ve been 99.9999999% no contact except for dog issues and it’s rare to have to even discuss the dog.

If I put in the abortion, he will flip his lid. I don’t need to poke the bear. He can’t have anyone know that he’s not the innocent golden boy he portrays himself to be.

I don’t care about the minimal $ that would be reimbursed. In fact, I would pay NOT to awaken the beast. And I don’t need him thinking that I care about him at all.... he would definitely think I called him out, out of spite.

I am making up how the next steps will go... I hope I’m not right. But I see this ending with us going to trial, then him selling the house. He will move away because nothing is keeping him here and his MO is to cut and run... and he will try to take the dog with him.

I say that, because those are the chess moves that he will take to ensure he tries to (Appear to) win. I won’t say more than that but that would 100% be the next play in his playbook. I hope he proves me wrong.


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The dog is the only way he can hurt you. Of course he will use the dog. What would happen if you let him have the dog? Sounds like he treats the dog well. If you were willing to walk away from the only thing that he could hurt you with, it may not be as much fun for him. While I understand that would be sad, it really is the only way for you to end this without a spiteful battle. Alternatively you could offer him a certain amount of money for the dog. Of course he wouldn’t take it, but then you would have set a value for him to match. Perhaps the law has progressed and I’m sure you’ve discussed it with your lawyer, but they used to be property. You could put the money toward a rescue dog and save a life by taking back your own. I hope you don’t think me callous, but the mental anguish you would save yourself would be huge and if the dog is well cared for I would consider it.

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Oh yes.... he does use the dog as leverage.

Me giving the dog up just isn’t an option. Don’t get me wrong, I understand it’s an animal with a short life expectancy, But we do have a bond. I don’t have kids and he’s the creature that I get to nurture and care for. I’ve had him since he was a puppy... he got sick on me, he looks to me when he gets scared of loud noises.i have a responsibility to keep him safe and healthy and we sure do have a lot of fun. He’s my fur baby (and I get there’s some unhealthy attachment here, but yeah I’m a crazy dog mom).

But I understand the dog is the only thing keeping ex in my world. He won’t lift a finger for the dog, and yet there I am week after week schlepping the dog back and forth in traffic because the dog is worth it to me. I’ve been doing this since 2016 as that’s when mine and ex’s relationship blew up... when he realized I wasn’t going to sign EVERYTHING over to him. Ive endured it all. Even in that period where ex held the dog hostage for 7 months.

But anyway, I’ve thought about what would happen if I gave the dog up. I understand it’s an option, but it’s not the option for me and I know that my decision will keep me stuck for a bit. Actually last night, I had a really really big cry over it. For one, I’m not feeling well and two, I can’t even imagine having to willingly say goodbye to this dog. I can’t do it. Last night, the pup could tell I wasn’t myself and he didn’t leave my side. He snuggled next to me all night. He’s up against me right now. He knows when I’m not well.

In my state, dogs are treated like children and not property so I think I have that going For me. That law came into play this year. My lawyer shared it with me when it became active. He’s a big dog lover too and has been looking out for my pup as well.

It’s weird how things can shift in a few days. I was sooooo optimistic a few days ago and I think I got lost in the fantasy of this being done. I think I was imagining ex saying,”’oh thank you pax for not gouging me and being very fair with this settlement. Let me sign right here and we can go on our merry way!” Hahahahaha. Too many hallmark movies for me.

I hope I’m wrong, but like I mentioned in my previous post, The reality hit me that there’s a slim to none chance we’re going to settle. I can’t see ex all of a sudden being willing to settle for something that is 84 times higher than his very first and best offer to me waaaaaayyyy back when he tried to settle without financial disclosures.

Thank you own for your continued insight and feedback. I very much appreciate it.

Last edited by job; 12/07/19 06:36 PM. Reason: edited a word for Pax

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Pax,

Others may say not to even consider what I am about to share w/you, but it may help you decide how to negotiate a deal concerning your dog.

Here is what I ended up doing at the last minute w/my xh. Before my hearing back in 2002, we all sat in the same location, so I took a gamble and told my STBX that I wanted $10,000 from his IRA account and that the money could be applied against what I would end up using towards purchasing the home out from under him. I told him that I had enough evidence on him to rock his world and wouldn't hesitate to tell the judge the real reason for the divorce, i.e., adultery and I would not hesitate to name the affair partner. He didn't blink an eye....I got exactly what I wanted because he didn't want his "soul mate's" name and his dirty laundry to come to light.

My lawyer wasn't aware until the last minute that I was going to lay down all of my cards. He kept saying that he wouldn't go for it, but I thought, nothing ventured, nothing gained. It was a gamble, but he was so desperate, I think he would have given me more if I had requested it, but I didn't want to push too hard. Sometimes, when dealing w/STBXs, we have to go the extra mile to get to the other side of a divorce/custody issues.

You may have to pull that final ace out of your deck and advise him that you will expose the abortion and his dirty laundry if he's not willing to give you full custody of the dog. He's been jerking you around for many, many months about your fur baby. He is just being a pain in the @ss and is enjoying keeping the dog away from you. He wants you to beg and plead because it is control and manipulation on his part. He knows that you've been trying to keep the peace, but when divorce and custody issues are on the table, there are times when you need to listen to your head and not your heart. This is a business deal that has soured and if you want your dog, then you are going to have to pull that ace and play it to the fullest. Trust me, if this were the other way around, your h would be playing his entire hand against you and he wouldn't give a fig about it.

Just my two cents.


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Oh wow job! Im super glad that move was a success for you. Very interesting food for thought. Thank you for sharing that. I’m going to percolate on that a bit.


Oh and I have an edit on the post above. It wasn’t 84 percent, I meant 84 times. (Ie the true value at hand is 84 times what his highest settlement offer was)


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I agree with the idea behind Job's idea but I wonder if you could do something that would not give H the power. Job's idea worked amazingly but it was a real gamble!

For example -- Find the most amazing dog of the same age as yours who is at death's door on a rescue site and send listing as a Bcc so he thinks you are sending it to a lot of people with a message -- "A friend just sent me this, I wonder if anyone is interested in saving this wonderful dog?"

I don't mean that you should do that particular idea but I just wonder if can be a little more strategic and have love and confidence fuel your thinking on this instead of fear. We all know that MLCers do not negotiate and they often want to hurt us. If you really don't think your H loves your dog the way you do, he is probably doing this to keep the power and/or to hurt you. Mine is doing that to me by trying to keep me from buying him out at appraised value -- he would get the same money either way and get it sooner but he wants to rip my life apart.

If not, I think your clarity is good -- that you understand you are opening yourself up to this pain and the dog is worth it to you. You know that your dog's life will not be as long as yours and you are okay with sharing your dog with this man though it hurts you because of the love you feel for the dog. Just as long as you are clear. And I would put something in the settlement, if you don't end up getting H another dog somehow, that the dog comes to you when s/he is sick, and that the dog can't be shared during periods of illness, esp for when your dog gets old and infirm.

And on the fifth hand, there is a whole chapter in that book I keep talking about about how we can be released from the fears of what the narcissist is going to do next. Your post looks like came out of that chapter -- a lot of calculating what kind of abuse you will have to face. Maybe better to have peace knowing that you can try to get the dog to be yours alone but that you can face anything H throws at you, you don't have to worry about it in advance, you have confidence you'll be able to do what needs to be done. (Fearful Pot telling Fearful Kettle!)

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Pax and Gerda,

Yes, what I did was a very, very "ify" gamble that paid off, but I was done being afraid of him and what he would or would not do. I was done w/his playing controlling games. MLCers do not like to lose, but my xh knew that I was not playing and he knew that his soul mate's name would come out along w/the photos that my PI had taken. I took back control of my situation in the nick of time. This strategy may or may not work in Pax's case, but it provides an example of what she may use, but in her own way/situation. Do not be afraid of him or his tactics. He's the one that is out there acting like a putz and being a selfish one at that. You have done nothing wrong but show compassion and attempting to work w/him on everything.

Pax, your h isn't going to give that dog up w/o a fight. In fact, if you were to put something out there about another dog, he would definitely suggest that you get it for yourself and not the other way around. As for finding him another dog just so that you can have your fur baby back...that's not going to work. Again, he would say you need to keep the replacement for yourself. He is a selfish, spoiled little brat in the sandbox.

MLCers are selfish people, i.e., just like that little tot in the sandbox that wants all the toys that another little one is playing with. When that selfish tot sees that the other little one has moved on to something else, that is when the selfish one will give up all of those toys he/she has taken. What I'm suggesting is that when you cease showing that you want your fur baby, i.e., showing that you just don't care any longer, maybe that is when he will decide the game is up and lose interest in keeping the dog for himself.

You know your h better than anyone. You know what he is capable of, especially at the present time. This situation is one that you need to sit and think about. Try to remember, you have nothing to fear but fear itself and of course, nothing ventured, nothing gained.


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So Pax, I think I know your state and you confirmed it with the law thing, so some food for thought.

No matter how this works out, you are giving it serious thought and consideration. You are digging in to decide how important this is to you. I hope that you did not cry because of what I wrote, but if you did, I think it was a good cry to help you reach your feelings about this.

But, I will say, that people are either capable of loving animals or they aren't. It is more about you than the animal. If you love this dog this much, you would love another as much or more, especially if not tied to an exceedingly unpleasant person and a likelihood of ongoing battles, keeping him in your life, and likely huge financial issues (I can see him taking you to court over and over about this dog). That said, this is your decision and you have to do what you believe in.

The law says that interim orders affecting the dog are not to have any impact on the final determination. I'm not sure why you have been doing all the work to take and pick up the dog. Seems he should be sharing in this. So I would at least bargain for that. Just as parents of children can't up and move, he should not be able to up and move with your dog. It doesn't mean he won't, he probably will, because he absolutely uses this dog to hurt you over and over again. This is why I can see you ending up in court over the care, housing, and maintenance of this dog moving forward.

I understand what Job is saying and the way to beat a narcissist is to make them feel like they won. I don't think that using the abortion as leverage will achieve that trick though. I think for a normal human who experiences shame, it might. But that is not your guy. I think it will enrage him and make him out for more blood than he already is. If there is something else that you can give him that he does value (whether a thing or money) that you do not value as much, I would do it. Even if it was a lot of money. I think he will sue you over and over about this dog. Narcissists love court. Its why they don't settle. They also like filing actions after seeming finality. So whatever it costs you to have a final decision now that you can live with. I would try to get there.

At any rate, your final orders concerning this dog should address as much as possible, leaving as little as possible open to interpretation. You know he will claim that this is his emotional support dog and he needs it more. Just be armed with materials that show how this emotional support thing has been over done and be ready to point out that even if he needs a dog full-time, he doesn't need your dog full-time, and that is a bigger reason to give you the dog, since he can't share it.

Make sure you cover not only who pays for food/vets--regular and special (teeth), diseases, chemo, etc. Who makes end-of-life decisions about the dog. What the visitation schedule is, how much variance from the allotted time (at least 30 minutes I would say), who picks up/drops off. Who makes the call on vet appointments, immunizations, etc. (this guy doesn't cooperate with you, you don't want to have to work it out). Who picks the food the dog eats. Does it have to be the same food both places. What kinds of collars, leashes. Can the dog be around other animals, etc. Also what about relocation, voluntary or involuntary. You may want to talk about having a special master appointed (like a mediator) who makes the call when you guys can't agree. Something that limits the judicial review. Like you can each give a one page statement to the mediator on your position and the mediator makes the call kind of thing. Also, try to get a loser pays attorney fees provision added so that he has less incentive to sue you for stupid things.

I can't stress enough that because this dog is going to be the way he gets to you, you need to plan ahead. Also remember, whatever decision you make, it is your decision and you had the power. You are not his victim and whether you keep the dog or not, he has not beaten you if you are doing what is best for you.

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OwnIt,

I really liked your posting. You've given Pax quite a bit to think about. The list of things that need to be addressed concerning the dog, etc. are great.


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Thank you so much for the feedback.

Own, I sincerely appreciate you taking the time to jot down all that you have. Just.... thank you. It was very helpful food for thought.

I did go to my lawyer about all the details in regards to the dog and he understands my stance. He doesn’t want me to get ahead of myself, but he does get it. He did mention that the trial likely wouldn’t be set until late summer or early fall and that we could have until then to work something out. But obviously we have to start with square one first.

I am very anxious about how this is going to go. I’m ok, but my heart is racing.... ughhhh I have a few more days to get through. I should try to calm myself down.

I had two people tell me in the last 4 days that I’m gaining weight. Freaking awesome. I know I’m not as svelte as I was when I was training for my body building comp, but it doesn’t feel good to be called out for my appearance. I know I’m not bad, but I’m not as I was. I’m definitely not working out. I have had zero energy and that’s affecting me. Plus I know I have a lot of cortisol in my system to blame. It’s been a stressful 6 months. Bleh.

Oh and my friend just lost her dog to a tragic accident. She is devastated. I so feel for her right now. Whenever we go out, we always bring our pups with us. It’s just so sad. Don’t know why I needed to share that here... obviously dogs are on my mind and I know how much they can mean to people.


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Pax, did you ever read about the Stockdale Paradox? He was a POW and survived years of torture and captivity. In explaining how he survived, the following emerges: you have to have faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties, and at the same time, must confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be. The optimists in the camp, the ones who were sure they would be out in a month or two or whatever, didn't make it out. Don't give yourself a timeline you don't control and don't minimize the obstacles that you have in front of you.

The reality is, that you will get through this last part of the process. You are not in control of how long it will take, but it will end. You will have a beautiful life when it is over. You are making the choice for how you want to handle your dog. You are going to do that with eyes wide open of what you need to resolve and how you will handle enforcement down the road. None of this needs to be decided today.

In addition to recognizing the truths of the Stockdale Paradox, consider exercise as a means to combat the anxiety. It will also help with the weight. I'm surprised that people said something to you about it, but it was likely out of kindness and concern. Remember too that when it comes to the scale, that diet is significantly more important than exercise. I was morbidly obese and no one, except OD, ever said anything about my weight. I think had people expressed concern earlier, I might have done something earlier. Instead it was OD criticizing and it turned into a control thing. All problems are easiest if we handle them when they are small. Do your own evaluation and consult your doctor. Are you overweight? Is it a health concern? Does it bother you? If you answer yes to those, then do something about it, but don't stress more over whether to do something about it.

I'm sorry about your friend's dog and I'm sure it pulls you back to your situation, but none of us have any certainties in this life. We all have obstacles and challenges that we have to get around, over and through.

You are resilient Pax, you just need to remember that. You have stood up to him and won some important battles in this war and those will come to fruition when you get to the trial. Instead of slogging through this last part, start looking at it as preparing for the day it is over. Put your energy into the future, and not the past.

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Thanks again, Own! Ahh yes, stockdale paradox. I just had this conversation with my mother last night. Basically, i think I’m burnt out and exhausted. From all of it. I’ve been hyper vigilant for far too long. It feels like like I’m opening Pandora’s box again and I have ptsd from last time. I’m just not looking forward to this, but will remain strong.

Oh and the weight thing... I’m on the lean/normal/optimal side of the BMI scale... so I’m healthy.... but I’m so psychologically messed up right now- I care what people think about me...

I’m like... can’t I just BE for a bit..... stop judging me everybody. I don’t feel good about myself, but everyone expects me to show up a certain way. Aka I care about others approval too much and I’m trying to grow beyond that.


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I realize my last post was whiney. I don’t like feeling like I’m being judged. Meh. I’ll get better.


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I didn't think it was whiny.

Hypervigilence is difficult for anyone who has lived through an extensive period of trauma. If you are HWP, then it makes no sense that people should comment on your weight or appearance. If those are friendships you value, I would discuss how that made you feel. If they are not, I'd not give much weight to the comments, and maybe revisit whether you need that person in your life.

But remember, you are the only one who can take the comment and turn it into a judgment. Don't give people that power over you. Take any needed criticism that comes your way, and reject that which is clearly inapplicable or mean-spirited.

Yes, blows hurt when they land. That's why it's always good to cogitate and vent, so you can respond rather than react. Time helps that.

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Let’s just say the days leading up to today’s hearing have been wrought with the same ole’ drama and shenanigans from ex and his camp.

Honestly, I don’t even know how his lawyer gets away with this stuff! So unprofessional. As my lawyer suspects, ex’s lawyer seems to be a nice guy, but ex seems to be the puppet master and my lawyer can’t figure out why.

I don’t know why I expected anything different. Sigh.

Needless to say, I am pretty anxious this morning. The hearing is not until this afternoon so I have a couple more hours to endure before I physiologically get back to center. This [censored].

Can’t get into it right now but Ex is up to his same BS. Deep breaths. I know I’ll get through this.


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Thinking of you - chin up. You will get through it, and however it turns out, you will be freer at the end. Yay!

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I will be thinking of you this afternoon. Good luck and no matter what happens, you will definitely have the load lifted quite a bit off your shoulders.


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Wishing you luck and light today, Pax. You've got this.


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Thank you so much! Appreciate the support and positive vibes.

It wasn’t as horrible as I imagined, but we are going to trial. Not surprising.

The mediator caught on pretty quickly and said it seemed like ex had been primed and, as such, the mediator was suspicious. The mediator started the convo by touting his amazing track record for settling tough cases and within 15 minutes was saying, no way are you guys going to settle. He even called ex’s lawyer an a**h***. That’s what we’re dealing with here.... welcome to the party....

If any of you recall details from my story from like a year or two ago.... ex brought up the stupid beanie again. He wants a beanie back that he thinks I have. And it’s an item in our litigation. Sigh.

Should I just go on amazon and buy him 50 beanies?!?!

I couldn’t even believe it came up in the division of property/assets. Oh my word.


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A beanie?! That is nuts.

It’s unfortunate the mediation didn’t work out, but it sounds like it was doomed to fail.

How long until trial?


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Oh and some other thoughts-

Through an interesting circumstance, ex and I ended up sitting across from each other while the mediator and lawyers were getting situated. He has gone through great lengths over the years to avoid eye contact with me except for the few times he’s scolded me. I’ve mentioned in other sharings that he often has his sunglasses on when he’s around me to avoid eye contact as well. So today as we were sitting there, he was doing his usual fidgety business, but I was feeling pretty strong and I was checking him out. I can look at him and I can make eye contact. I was paying attention to his features trying to recognize the man I once knew, But he wasn’t there.

I didn’t see someone who looked terribly happy. He was dressed well, like how he used to dress before his Abercrombie phase that was followed by his sons of anarchy biker phase. He did have a lot of facial hair like a mini beard which isn’t anything he used to have. His eyes though...i could see it in his eyes that something was off. Like it happens to all of us... he’s gotten older and he now looks his age. I wonder if the beard was to cover it up. Also his hair was a lot darker than I remember. I don’t know if he’s getting much sunlight or if he’s coloring it... or if it just darker period.

Also, I genuinely felt bad for him. He has an issue with elevators which is problematic. He uses them, but today he didn’t/couldn’t. And a lot of folks snickered when they heard that he was waiting downstairs bc of the elevator issue. In my heart I felt bad for the guy because I want nobody to be laughed at for something out of control. Then I’m reminded that it’s ex and it could be an act, like as a way to set the stage to keep saying my dog is his support animal. Sad, but true. Regardless if it was ex or a complete stranger... I don’t like when people are laughed at and my heart hurt for him for a little bit.

Maybe I just saw him as a hurt young boy today. True, he doesn’t want to face reality and his actions have put him in a precarious situation (the mediator mentioned my ex did something that could be considered criminal), but as we know, hurt people hurt people. In my heart I want to believe that this whole thing has blown so far out of proportion that he doesn’t even know how to reel it in because that would require ownership and accountability.

At first, I got a huge chuckle out of the beanie situation getting brought up. But as I’ve reflected on it... I realize that’s all he’s got. It’s so minor to me, but it’s An issue for him. And maybe that beanie actually did mean something to him. If he’s still stuck in MLC, I’m dealing with an 11 year old boy who lost his brother and best friend, having a token from a special time likely means a lot.

So... I found a nearly exact replica (from what I can remember) of the lost beanie on Etsy. I can buy it and ship it to him without a word. Im not sure I’m going to do this, but it’s an option. 1) it will get him off my back about the stupid thing and 2) for whatever reason he feels like he needs this beanie. Whether it’s to get at me for something or because it is of actual sentimental value to him .. I’m not sure.

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Pax,

The beanie is a major issue w/him. If you can locate one that is very similar to the one that he thinks you have, I would purchase it. It is a small item and most likely not too expensive...but that beanie means something to him. They all have something that they want to hold on to and to us it's crazy, but to them....it's very important. I think I would give it to him versus sending it to him and I would explain that you don't have the original one, but you were able to find one very similar...otherwise, he will think that you've been holding the original beanie hostage. You have to make it very clear that you do not have the original one, but were willing to locate another one for him because you realized the original beanie was very important to him. He may come to realize that you are telling the truth about the original one and that you went the extra mile to give him another one. Time will tell on how he reacts to this gesture, but it is a gesture of good will.

It's sad when you can see clearly and can see that they are not the same people we loved. His eyes reflect his feelings about himself and the world. He's a very lost man/child and it's going to take him a very long time, if ever, to cross over and become a mature man.

For now, all you can do is pray for him.


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Pax,

Well, you had a good idea it wouldn't mediate, and you were right. Glad it wasn't taxing. Now it is just the scales of justice creeping along, but with the expectation of any other result gone, you can instead focus on the ultimate finality. If he comes along before then with a ready-to-go you'd take, then do, but don't keep spending money trying to negotiate with a narcissist. It just doesn't work.

Mediators often communicate with the court afterward. If they deal in the same courts a lot, he may well have signaled to the court where the problem was. All you can do is continue to comport yourself. Great job on getting through.

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So now that I’ve had a day to decompress... it’s starting to sink in.

The trial will likely be 3 days in the fall, unless there’s a cancellation. I won’t have an official trial date until our next court date in Jan but the judge said they were booking into September already. I’ll pray for cancellations for something sooner.

The reality of the cost of going to trial is sinking in. I’ve been doing ok the last 6 months because of ex’s sanctions, but those will run out soon and I’ll be stuck scrounging to pay for a 25k trial. Surpisingly enough, the mediator said it would be worth the expense. It freaks me out... it was dire for me for a bit.

The mediator was definitely impartial but he let his feelings about the case be quite known. He thought ex and his lawyer were unrealistic and had a few choice words about them. Who knows what he was saying about me and my lawyer to them....

Anyway, he was very adament about not mediating the dog issue... “his time was too valuable for that.” But was certain we could come up with middle ground. Sigh.

He didn’t understand what ex’s problem was regarding the house. All I’m asking for is my half of the equity. The mediator was like, I don’t get it.... he pays her xxx, he keeps the house and still walks away with an asset worth 4 times what I’m walking with.

The mediator also poked some holes in my stuff too. Things I need to be aware of to protect myself from their arguments.

He mentioned the criminal/ illegal acts my ex did with our finances, and really tried to narrow down what their final # was. See, they didn’t propose anything to settle....only that ex got everything. So the mediator said, stop wasting my time now and give me your number. Ex and his lawyer came back with a number that didn’t even cover my legal fees to date. It was a hard no from me.

Ok and here’s where I’m reminded of what a petty arse my ex is. As we were dividing furniture, China, appliances etc in the house, basically I’m not wanting anything. I’ve moved on... it’s just stuff and anything left is tainted to me. I loved my wedding China and consulted my lawyer on it... but the reality is... it’s tainted to me. Marriage did represent something to me. I could have gotten it and sold it, but I don’t care about that money. I’m really not trying to nickel and and dime this.

So I said, the only thing I want is a birdhouse my grandfather made (value $0)
And a small copper windmill that was also my grandfathers. The copper may be worth something but thats not why I wanted it.

So the mediator was like fine, great, and ex’s lawyer was like “NO! It’s community property, she needs to pay ex half of the value if she wants it.” Meanwhile I’m giving ex EVERYTHING else in that house. The greed with these guys is off the charts.

Ok and this is when the beanie came up. (Rolls eyes). Petty petty petty petty.


Alright... so when I go to pick up my dog yesterday, the birdhouse that has been up this whole time is now gone. Yup. Petty petty petty. He knows I wanted it and was making sure I just didn’t take it.


And I know you are probably thinking to yourself- why didn’t you just get those things when you moved out, pax. It’s because he was the one who packed me up and I didn’t even think to go there. I was too emotional. At the beginning of this, it was only supposed to be a temporary separation and I treated it as such. He manipulated me out of the house. I was so so so so stupid.

Lessons learned. Definitely won’t happen again.


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Yes, he is very petty and is acting like a two year old. If your grandfather made those things, then you should have them. They were a gift to you. I just get this impression that he is doing all of this BS to stall things and that he really doesn't want to go through w/a divorce.

I think they all get petty when it comes down to the home and what's in it. It's not about the fact that they really want the items, but the fact that they want control and for us to beg for things. My eh tried that, but he totally forgot who he was dealing with and my kindness and compassion were put on the back burner and the business side of me came out and he knew then, he wasn't going to have an easy time of it in negotiating w/me.

Know one is going to ask why you didn't get those things from the house because we all have made mistakes and many of us tend to think that maybe, just maybe these pod people will show a bit of compassion and give a little. We don't discover that they are complete and utter @sses until it comes down to splitting things up.

Now, you need to put your business suit on and look at this situation from the business side. You've been such a kind and compassionate woman thus far...but this deal sux and you need to toughen up. He wants a beanie, then he gives you the birdhouse. Time to play hard ball.


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Pax, it is normal and rational to want to look at these from a point of fairness and balance. He will never be able to do this. Whatever the trial costs, it does not matter. Your guy cannot mediate. You will never settle with him.

Judges split babies. You need to up your request to end up where you should be. I'm delighted his attorney acknowledged the bird feeder and copper windmill are community property, which hasn't been resolved. Guess what, so is everything you "left" behind in the house. Add it all up, all of it on a spreadsheet and be ready to submit it at court. I bet your lawyer could send a demand to inspect the premises (a flavor of a request for production) so you can go and make a list and take pics. Do you want the stuff? No, do you want an offset for the value of the stuff-- YES! Go after half of every single thing he has, because he is going to do the same to you and more.

Why did he take down the bird feeder? Because were your positions reversed he would have taken it, so he expects that you would do the same. Pettiness, yes. But again, this says who he is as a person. Not you. Laugh about it, move on.

I'll wager you may have the same problem with the judge when it comes to the dog. Mediators are there for petty squabbles. That he wouldn't undertake that suggests that the court might not either (not that I'm implying this is a petty squabble, but it speaks volumes that he thought he was above it). Be ready. Emotionally prepare yourself that the dog could be awarded to either of you, or split time with no guidance (which is my biggest concern for you).

I would tell him one more time, I don't have your beanie, I have not seen it. Do not waste my time with it again.

No one questions why you didn't take the stuff. We all survived a tsunami and had to fight to survive. Remember though, at the end of the day, it is just stuff. Memories and relationships are the things that matter. While I hope you get your stuff, try not to put too much of yourself in an outcome you can't control.

Take some time now to relax and move past this part. Get ready by making yourself emotionally tough. Get back in the gym, whatever makes you feel like a warrior.

Joined: Jan 2000
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You can request a "home" visit and have someone there with you so that it can be stated that you didn't walk out the door with stuff, while you are making a list and taking photos. You are entitled to half of everything, as OwnIt has stated. If you don't want the stuff, then come up w/a dollar amount of what it is worth and he can provide you with the cash or deduct it from what you are paying him, etc.

Oh, yeah, I can relate to what OwnIt stated about him taking the bird house down because he thought you would take it. My xh did the same thing w/an older pickup truck. He came and got it while I was at work and I asked why he took it since it had been sitting there for months on end. His response, "I knew you would hide it from me so that I couldn't take it". He's projecting on to you what he would do himself. He's not the man you knew a long time ago.

He needs to look for that d@mn beanie where he's living. Truth be told, he may have tossed the thing out and has forgotten about it.

You are going to have to get stronger and more firmer. Go after what is rightfully yours and if you don't want the stuff, figure out a value on the items, make a list and state what you want in cash. After all, he will do the same thing to you.

New Thread:

Divorce and Acceptance part 5

Last edited by job; 12/15/19 04:38 PM. Reason: added link to new thread

Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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