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Pax_luv Offline OP
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Juju, I’ve followed your story for a while and yeah it’s crazy how much gets uncovered. I’ve always wanted to let you know how much I empathize with what you’ve gone through.

It’s maddening how my ex did so much scheming up to bd. So much financial infidelity. And yet.... I came out as the terrible wife who he needed to divorce after the years and years of me walking on egg shells around him. My whole life was tuned upside down and he walks away scot free. So maddening. I couldn’t even imagine going through it with a child.


Anyway...
Wanted to pop in with a fun dB reminder.

I had a meeting this morning with the man who drives me crazy at work. He’s belittling and dismissive. Just awful. I was dreading this meeting and I knew it was going to be a doozy because we had a lot to catch up on and I knew exactly what items he was going to rant about. Anyway, I was preparing myself to set a boundary and was prepared to speak up for me and my assistant because he treats up both like we’re not even human.

Anyway, as I was preparing for the meeting, I told myself that I was going to “act as if” instead. I decided to be happy and super upbeat and even light hearted. I thought I could kill him with kindness.

And it worked!!! The condescension was replaced with kindness and appreciation. At the end of the meeting, he even took the time to gossip about corporate politics. Mmhmmmm not that I wanted to hear any of it...and it was so typical of him to talk poorly about others. But I acted as if... got on his good side.... and now I can go through the rest of my day feeling ok.

I’ll take it.


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Pax_luv Offline OP
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Hi, just a quick nonsensical check in...

I’ve had a few bouts of anger towards ex over the last week... which is good! I haven’t really been able to conjure up that emotion and just feel furious about the situation. It means I’m processing and I’m happy with that component! The crappy thing is, when I’m angry, I cry so I’ve had some tears. Grrr.

You know the deal.... as the lbs, I spent so much time in fix it-walk-on-egg shells-mode with ex, , then I had the fear of the future, then the sadness of the marriage breakdown, then the grief over the marital death, then the remorse for things I could have done differently, then the uneasiness, worry, and trepidation over the legal stuff... and finally I’ve landed at anger.

Maybe I am in victim mode, but I hate him for putting me in this position and subsequently keeping me here by lagging and lying on all the paperwork. I despise him for everything he has done to me financially since the marriage began. It really was all a sham. I then get mad at myself for knowing better.... knowing he was capable of this... and still going forward with the marriage.

I’m angry that I did all the effort to make the marriage work and he still left me... he blamed me for being the reason he left, blamed me for all his actions. I know 10000% that blame is misplaced and it’s a form of torturous gaslighting, but I knew what I was getting in to with him. Stupid stupid girl. Even when his own family told me I was a saint for putting up with him..... I’m still the evil one here.


And even with all of that... I’m angry that we didn’t work on the marriage together. I’m angry I didn’t have a partner. Now, don’t get me wrong.... I know we were set up to fail from the get go, but I’d like to pretend that even if it wasn’t a normal marriage, we could have worked on things like a normal couple. But nope, I was robbed of that as well.


I’ve been dealing with this for 4 years. 4 years! I can’t do it anymore. I want to move on, but I’m stuck. I have ptsd, I’m not very trusting. As much as I actually do want a partner and I want to be married.... I don’t. I’m not confident that I’m going to find that partner that will let me know it’s ok to let my guard down.

I’ve been in this hyper vigilance mode for so long, I can’t even remember what it’s like to not be in that state.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not walking around with a chip on my shoulder and I’m not this bitter woman who hates men.. I think I’ve just been burned very badly and I’m lacking significant amounts of trust.


So with that, I have no problem taking control of my future (minus the financial implications), so I’ve been doing my research for my next steps. I’ve mentioned going back to school so I’ve spoken with counselors, had a informal meeting with someone in my industry who has his phd etc. Ive been planning out my next physical pursuits and some classes I want to take (I’ve always wanted to learn to play tennis and play the piano) and get better at Spanish.

I have a plan to keep filling my own bucket, but I recognize there’s a void where an intimate partner should be and I’m not convinced I’m up for that right now.... even though I do want it. It’s a crappy place to be in.


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so. much. yes.
I get it dear pax. remember, this too shall pass, right? let's hope so anyway for both our sakes xoxoxo


M 20+ T25+
S ~15.5 (BD)
BD 4/6/15
D 12/23/16

"Someone I loved once gave me
A box full of darkness.
It took me years to understand,
That this too, was a gift."
~ Mary Oliver
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Pax_luv Offline OP
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Oh yes, dear bttrfly, this too shall pass. Hopefully sooner rather than later. 4 years is a long time. I do like actually getting to the anger stage... I feel like I bypassed it early on. Time to rage on!!! Just kidding. Not my style.

Just having my lunch time salad and popping in with more nonsensical Monday musings-

I was watching a movie last night before bed.. It was a movie I saw in the theatre on a date a long time ago. I recalled the experience and thought to myself- holy cow, so much has happened since ex and I split. There really has been a substantial amount of life in those years post bd. Ahh reflecting is good.

Which got me to thinking about this-
My cousin is getting married in June. I have to turn in my rsvp card this week. She intentionally had a really long engsgemrnt... like 2.5 years. When she first started planning she was concerned about who was going to make the cut on the invite list. (We have a big family). Anyway, I told her that she needs to include me and a plus one because I’ll be remarried by then. I said so half-jokingly, because it seemed sooooooo far off and I felt equipped to be married again by now. Hahaha. About 6 months ago, she reminded me that I wasn’t married and we still had faith that I could be in a relationship by now. Cringe.


Aye aye aye. I laugh at it now because this degree of healing, learning, and growing is an insanely long process. Too long! Anyway, she still wants me to use the plus one but I have nobody.... and that makes me a little bit sad.

Which leads me to this....
I need to get comfortable with casual dating. It’s just not my jam. I was ok doing the online thing a bit ago, but as I mentioned before I don’t have it in me. No trust.

But I’m dying- dying-dying for some cuddle time or hand holding or butt holding or something! Not talking about sex per se, but just affection. It’s been a really long time. In real life I’m not a clinger at all, but I kind of want to be clingy! That sounds terrible.

My ex wasn’t affectionate with me. He hated hugs. If I was a little flirty trying to get him to acknowledge me, he would say- “what’s the matter? Are you not getting enough attention or something?” Yesssssss I was starved for attention!

I haven’t dated in over a year... it’s time. I feel like it’s the only way I can help things along. I’m just afraid of what’s out there. And I’m afraid of stds... that’s a whole different element, but it crosses my mind. So many hurdles.

Ok, musings over... looking forward to kicking off May, where I’ll have some more court dates in the month to move things along.

Hope you have a wonderful week.


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Originally Posted by Pax_luv
But I’m dying- dying-dying for some cuddle time or hand holding or butt holding or something! Not talking about sex per se, but just affection. It’s been a really long time. In real life I’m not a clinger at all, but I kind of want be clingy! That sounds terrible.


Sounds perfectly reasonable to me! I'm not ready to date yet, as I'm still married and standing, but boy do I get this! I was starved for affection too from my H. H always said he was sensual, sexual, etc. Well, perhaps he was. Just not with me!


Originally Posted by Pax_luv
I haven’t dated in over a year... it’s time. I feel like it’s the only way I can help things along. I’m just afraid of what’s out there. And I’m afraid of stds... that’s a whole different element, but it crosses my mind. So many hurdles.


I don't recall your age, but I'm 55, and I know there isn't a lot of quality people out there that aren't taken. I don't believe they are on the internet, so I wouldn't go that route if I was out there. IF I date at some point in the future, I would probably join MeetUps that are about my hobbies, and go from there. As far as STDs, well, don't sleep with anyone unless it's serious, and then I would get blood tests. That's really the only way in my book.

Good luck on your dating journey!


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Grace - there's plenty of quality people on online dating - as well as not quality - just like in real life.

Honestly - that's where MOST people meet their dates nowadays, I think especially for Grace's and my age groups, as older people tend not to be in social groups with lots of single people, making it harder to find them. Since my divorce I only met ONE date that WASN'T through online dating (he picked me up while I was shopping in Big Lots, and he was 6'6", so he was known here as Mr Big Lots.) If I'd been waiting around to meet single men in my actual life I'd probably still be waiting for a first date after divorce. (But yes, I hear meetups are another potential route to meet people.)

Pax is younger so she has a better chance of meeting singles in her social life. Pax, you should think about going to the wedding alone - what if there are some cute single men there? You certainly can't spring a wedding on some new guy you just started dating anyway.

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Hola,
Just coming here with a journal entry-

Been dealing with some obnoxious work emails so I need a quick break.
Woke up feeling really blue. It’s most definitely hormones, but I can’t stop myself from saying out loud, I feel so sad!
No amount of ding dongs is pulling me out of the funk!

At least I know I’ll be out of it soon. That’s another plus side of going through this experience, that hyper sensitivity and awareness of ones self and emotions that develops after walking through your own fog for so many years.

Anyway.... I actually had a great weekend. Celebrated my mom to the fullest. Had lots of fun. Got to meet my dearest friends brand new baby boy. Omg—soooo many babies. I know nobody is rubbing it in my face, but gosh- Everyone and their sister is pregnant. Just yesterday on mother’s day, 2 of my friends announced their pregnancies within 5 minutes of each other. The baby craze is madness.


Things have been dead silent with ex. That’s expected. There seems to be more life happening at my old house. There was a women’s wet suit and surf board hanging off the fence in the front yard. Mehhhh. Last week there was a tiny uhaul trailer in the front. Honestly, I can’t think about it too much. Whatever is happening is of no concern to me.

Been feeling ready to shake things up for a while. My lease on my apartment is coming due and while I originally told myself there’s no f’ing way I’m moving right now, it seems like I could get in a different place with more space and tiny yard for the same amount I’m paying currently. It may make sense to make a move. I reached out to a couple property management companies over the weekend. So... we’ll see.

Also, I was waiting for a job to open up for a few months now. A person was retiring and I had my eye on his job.... well, it doesn’t look like they are replacing him after all. Sadddddd. That’s ok. The job would require a lot of inter-region travel and I know my quality of life is dependent on me NOT spending hours on end in so cal traffic.
With that, a different job just opened up. I am very qualified for it and it kind of aligns with the work I already do. It would be a little promotion but I would lose visibility. Right now I have an insane amount of visibility with the executive team. I could put my name in the hat just to see what it’s about. While I love my job, it could be good to shake that up too. It would be nice to have balance. My current job does not allow for a lot of balance.

Ok... time to refocus on my desk. Hope you have a nice day!


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Popping in with a non update.

It’s the middle of my workday and I just can’t concentrate. It was a busy week and I’ve given it all I got! I have a presentation due in 2 hours.... meh.... I’ll get to it.

Re: my sitch- we are finally going to be scheduling our mandatory settlement conference. Finally! I see light ahead! This four year chapter will have a close soon and I’m soooo ready. Blows my mind that he was the one who wanted this and now we’re the ones pushing as quickly as we can.

Technically, our marriage was bifurcated 13 months ago and they still haven’t submitted the judgment paperwork. Insane.

Anyway... the last 2 months have been easier on me. I was severely stressed over the financial situation I was in, but since ex now has to pay his sanctions, I feel like I can breathe again. I can buy groceries and gas and not have to worry about which one is more important. That was so rough.

I’m NOT looking forward to the back and forth dealings of the settlement, but I’m thankful the end is near. I’m gonna use this time to build up my resiliency reserves for (hopefully) what will be the final battle with ex.

Life is good.


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I'll be thinking of you. I still haven't come to a financial settlement with my XH either - his idea to hold everything up - and just want it over.

I know he's buying time to help soothe his guilt. The longer we go the less guilty he feels and the more entitled to what he promised me I could have.

I'm cheering you on for getting in and getting it done - I'm sure it'll be worth the stress in the long run!


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Pax,

Once everything has been finalized, you will discover just how much weight you've been carrying around on your shoulders. That weight will lift the day everything is signed and dated and life will be so much better for you. Hang in there....settlement isn't too far off.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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