Marriage and depression - part 3

[DaveK]

My expectations are the same as they were before. Had too many times where it seemed to get better just to go the other way. It's a long journey...and one swallow does not make summer.

Forgot to hit post reply, but case in point now a day later....W promised to make dinner and said she would get her license renewed....she did neither. Still had leftover soup from yesterday, so at least there was food. I asked the kids what they had for dinner. S13 said he got himself some cereal, S17 didn't have anything. She did offer S13 a can of tuna...wow! Thanks mom!
She told me that it is OK to get a license even after 2 years of it expiring. I think that is correct for the document itself, but you can still get a ticket for driving with an expired license. In NY it costs 40$ up to 60 days after expiration, after that it is up to 300$ fine. And it isn't as if she not only knew that it expires soon, that she won't be able to go once she starts the job, and...the real kicker here....she sat on ass for months. Did she really lose all attachment to reality or does she just not care about anything anymore? Maddening!

So although today was otherwise an OK day, I feel angry and disappointed. And yes, S13 still has no pink hair. Do I really need to that myself? Will see next weekend. Have to aim for Sunday, S17 was invited to a birthday party and he needs a ride....and a birthday present.

[ovrrnbw]

I think I read in DR that depression is a distorted view of reality with a compounding effect. She really did lose some attachment to reality IMO but also I think she does not care about as much as she used to. Anyways, I know how that can really get you worked up.

[DaveK]

She did get to her job and was rather happy about it. I went with the suggestion of my therapist and gave her the earrings that I bought a while back. She really was surprised and happy about it, then ran up the stairs to put them on. They are small 14k gold unicorns, she loves unicorns.
Given where she was three months ago and where she is right now, I think she deserved it. But this is not a new beginning or change in direction or anything. I gave her a break today since her grandmother died, although, she seemed rather untouched by that.
She did cook dinner and it was damn tasty. I will thank her for it tomorrow morning. First need to figure out what S13 is whining about, then off to the gym....and then to bed, I am beat.

[DaveK]

Past days were quite busy. Work is killer right now, but I try to keep it as close to normal times as I can. WW is going to her job now and as it turns out, we sit in the living room in the mornings, drink coffee, and talk. The cats help us with feeding us topics. I very much enjoy that and it is her who stops looking at the computer and coming over. I read in the morning and as soon as she sits down I put my magazine away.
Had free lunch at work Thursday and potluck yesterday, so that was a nice change. Last night I went out to a concert. Unforgettable Fire, a U2 cover band, played at the casino in downtown and as casino rewards card member I got a free ticket. They really did a very good job turning the big ballroom into a concert venue. I was one of the youngest there. I didn't feel like going in front of the stage, so I sat a few rows back and just enjoyed the music. On my way back I stopped for one beer and then went home. I had fun. The band is excellent.
Shoe shopping today, I need new ones for a while, but wanted to wait until the snow season is over. S13 needs new ones as well, S17 of course pooped all over my offer....whatever. He is excited, he got an invitation to a birthday party, so I have to drive him there and pick him up a few hours later.
Gym tomorrow and I likely will take the laptop again to the mall food court and work on a new writing project. I had the idea to wrap the word "depression" in a poem and it turned out quite nicely. While talking to my therapist he said that one of the emotions he thinks is the most interesting is "disappointment". So I will use that for my next writing project and keep tackling emotions and feelings such as anger, pain, anxiety, happiness. I plan to follow the same approach I used for the "Depression" poem. For a very long time I will have something worthy of publishing.

Took S13 shoe shopping for both of us and he was a good sport. I could see that he was bored, but I was too. That is why I always buy two pairs so that I have to do this only once a year. He really liked the red and black Nike shoes, but all the boxes in his size were empty. Apparently, people have the nerve to put the new shoes on and walk out the store. They had them in all black, so he went with those. They have laces, so I guess he has to leave the 80s behind and say good bye to velcro.
When we got home I saw WW walking through the back door with a plastic bag with a big blue box. She noticed that we were there and had the nerve to shut the door and lock it, just to stall us long enough so that we didn't see that she bought beer. Soon after she realized that it was a rather stupid move. When I came in she said "I am drinking beer, sue me!" I didn't say anything.

S13 wanted pizza for dinner and he got it out of the wrapper, put it on the baking plate, turned the oven on...and then we heard screaming. Trying to put it into the oven he tilted the baking plate too much and the whole pizza took nosedive into the oven spilling the pepperoni into the burner. W and I fixed it, the kitchen was full of smoke, so I opened the windows, and eventually the smoke detector did its job as well. After all was done W and I had to laugh. So this goes as the Big Pizza Crisis of 2019 into the books.

Overall I am wobbling between feeling OK and being really lonely. I have to see that I pick activities that are not that destined for happy couples hanging out, just depresses the heck out of me. Oh well, all things pass eventually, the good and the bad.

[DaveK]

In rough shape these days....things went not to bad. W is still going to work, we talk for a bit in the morning while drinking coffee (she starts the conversation, not me), arrange the household chores fairly....and then Monday night came. I saw that she had that Indian jewelry on again and it just killed me. I really felt a sharp pain in my heart, it crushed my soul, and it ripped open all those wounds that seemed to have healed a bit.
Since then I just coast through the day, can't sleep, can't concentrate, have no interest in anything...and forcing myself to think about something else takes the last bit of energy out of me.

I really don't know how long I can deal with this. I don't know how to get her out of my mind, how to stop loving her, how to find any joy. Overall things are not bad, they are good actually. I get a lot of support from friends, but in the end they can only listen, maybe give some advice, but they cannot change anything.Nobody knows how to fix it.
I feel helpless that I am so controlled by these wants and beliefs, the desires and wishes, this self defeating thinking. And I am so damn lonely.

I try and do so damn hard, but it's no use. I feel guilty for thinking that if she just changes her mind we could have a damn good life together, have a really great family, wake up each day and smile. It drives me insane that I cannot understand why she would not want that.

I guess you read enough. You cannot fix it either nor hand me a manual of what to do next. I am not asking for a genie in a bottle or potion #9. All that isn't even the most pressing thing. I don't know how to feel better and wonder if there is any point in trying. Is there even a point in living? What for? What gave me a reason to breathe was taken from me and I will never get it back.

[ovrrnbw]

Dave,

it takes a long time to heal from this pain. I'm 1 year post BD and when I saw the priest who married us today I about lost it. Time and work will help you heal. But I understand how that stupid jewelry would make you feel like that. I was like you for a long time, just coasting, not concentrating. It gets better when you decide it gets better, otherwise you just drift and nothing changes. Which is what our W's are doing.

Stop sign technique to get her out of your mind. You have to control those thoughts the best you can. You have to commit to that mental strength. Nobody can change anything, nobody can fix it, nobody can make her be the person you want her to be. Feeling helpless can be liberating when you decide to look at it in a positive light. When you let go of that, you can focus on some other positive outlet.

These emotions come in swings. They go high and they go low, you need to try to be even keeled.

I'm really sorry man. I wish I could take away your pain. Have you ever read any of the older poster's threads? Allen A? Puppydogtails? I'd recommend it. There are some different and refreshing perspectives there.

[Adam04]

Dave,

Sorry to hear that you’re going thru this right now. It is indeed very sad what happens and very difficult to deal with. There is no way around it, no sugar coating, no trick, no secret formula. It is very draining. That is why it is important for you to take care of yourself. Rest well, as good as you can, take some sleep meds if you have to, and eat well. Continue to work out. Continue to GAL even when you don’t want to. I know you don’t see it now, but in time you will get through this. For now, take it one day at a time ,one step at a time.

Dave, listen to yourself. I know it’s tough, but you don’t give up. Don’t start thinking it’s the end of the world because you’re lonely and you’re throwing all your attention onto your wife. You have your boys... have you read posts here from other men focusing their attention on their kids rather than their wife? You’ve been awesome doing things with them and for them. Continue that.

It seems like you hit a slump and are on a downward cycle, so breathe... give yourself some time and be kind to yourself. You know this is not healthy but instead you are putting the responsibility of your happiness on your wife. It’s ultimately up to you.

It’s late, I also struggle with sleep and my boys are both in bed with me right now. Dave, in another month my kids will be shuffling back and forth as I move to an apartment so I do understand the hurt. My S6 today asked us to all hug as a family so this will be very tough for him. Instead of wasting my energy and blaming my W, I’m doing the best I can for them. My W wants to be happy and I want that for her. We had a good 25 years but life will go on. The sooner I can let go, the sooner I can dictate my own happiness.

Life is all about choices, some you can control and others you can’t control. I want to encourage you to put in the work to be happy again as you once were.

[DaveK]

ovrrnbw, Adam - thanks for your responses. I am doing better now. I will look for the old threads and read. In the self-help group on FB I also read a few stories where after a very long time things got better and that the couples found to each other again. It's nice to know that it isn't totally impossible.

Yesterday W came over to where I am sitting in the morning and we had a really good talk. Now that she works as health insurance claims processor we talk about how services get paid and she mentioned that there is still a drastic difference in coverage of mental health care versus regular health care although that is not allowed by law. Eventually we got to talk about our therapists and that we are happy with them and further down the conversation I told her that I went to a psychiatrist and that two doctors diagnosed me with MDD and that I take Wellbutrin. It wasn't really a secret. I keep the orange pill bottle in my lunch bag that hangs off a chair in the kitchen.
I do enjoy the talks we have in the morning and I think she does as well. I am the only one she can talk to about her new job, maybe some of her online friends. I doubt that OM would understand anything about it. So I make extra effort to listen to what she says and ask question about things, showing a genuine interest. It is nice to see how she perked up with working full time now. Sure, she complained that some of the training was boring, but they soon will get to process claims with someone sitting next to them to help. Eventually she has to do 40 claims a day, which is easily doable.
She got paid for the first time and to my surprise she has the money deposited in the shared account. She said that she wants to focus on paying off her CC debt (which is substantial, but not unmanageable). She bought a few new clothes for work, which is perfectly fine and it was nothing super fancy and expensive. I like that, so I decided that I will keep my contributions at the same level, including paying for her school loan. She wants to tackle this and I want to support her in her effort. She also takes the kids out once in a while, so that will cover things like that.
She did ask about the tax return and wondered if I need any more help. I told her that I got the money back a month ago and used it to pay off other debt, which I did. Finances are stabilizing, so good on that part.

Work sucked the past week and once I just lost it. One of the development managers was complaining that the task list was unmanageable because there are so many bug reports. I responded that this is self-inflicted and that did not go over too well. My boss was not pleased, but I told him that I really have no sympathy for such complaints, especially since the initial quality of the code I get is rather dismal. The entire department is under a lot of stress and top management demands that we work faster, but that just generates more errors that QA reports on or that get picked up by customer since QA doesn't get enough time to test properly. I understand that me getting all snippy doesn't help, but I am in a rather rough spot anyway. I am the only one who is well qualified to test all products we sell. So I get to do everything and I work on three teams although I am not a member on any of them. Each team operates vastly different and they all seem to think that I am available 100% for them. On Monday we start with regression tests before release and that is already stress pure, but before we start all new development has to get completed. I got the last stuff on Thursday and it was not working right, so last fixes came on Friday. We also move to a new test environment that is a tad more annoying to use and was not functional when I left on Friday. I can only hope that magic happens and we can go on Monday. I doubt it, and the time lost does not get added at the end. So before we even started we are already behind. Sadly, this is nothing new, it happens each time and I stopped counting how many times I complained about it and made reasonable suggestions on how to improve process.
It used to be that I could just go home and find a stress-free environment, but I no longer have that buffer. So it is rather difficult to find a means to let go, forget, and relax.

Talked to the therapist about this as well and my spouts with feeling really angry. He gave some good advice, but above all he really pulled me off the vertex going down. Very much appreciated that.

GAL is continuing. Today I went to another meetup where we mimic TED talks. Basically, anyone can do a presentation about anything. The organizer did a presentation about how cultural upbringing influences our values and beliefs and how that mental model influences what we accept as truth. His presentation was not that great, but the topic was interesting. I gave a presentation about stamps and stamp collecting, people seemed to like it. Well, how often do you get to smell a strawberry stamp from Germany that smells like strawberries. It was recorded and will go on YouTube eventually....I did put the nice shirt on.

Made pizza for everyone, W even got up for that. In about half an hour I go and see Walpurgis again. That is the band my coworker plays in. They play a pub that is about 20 minutes away...and since I have nothing else planned for tonight.

Tomorrow I will finally go for it and give my son some pink hair. So that will be interesting. Other than that...found my interest in Therapy? again....I just love their sound and their somewhat interesting lyrics.

[DaveK]

S13 has pink hair now. It was a nice cooperation, I bleached, W dyed. Was an interesting Sunday anyway. For the first time she asked me where I went. I was out late yesterday to see the band of my coworker. I told W and mentioned the other cover band my coworker plays in. They will play again on April 6th and I will mention it to her when the date comes closer. Would be nice to go out with her again....will see. She said that she wants to do something fun outside the house and it can only be good for her. When I left the library yesterday after my presentation I felt really good. I prepared for about an hour on Friday and took some handwritten notes. For the most part I was winging it, but I love giving presentations. Well, it was more a show and tell, but that is why they liked it. Even being at the pub until midnight left me in a good mood...and I only had one beer.
Made antipasta pasta salad...a pain in the rear to make, but so worth it. W liked it, but right after having some she went downstairs. I so wished she would have stayed a bit longer. So what is left on a Sunday? Eating my salad, listening to Therapy?, and probably will finally repair my monitor. It flickers when turning on and I know why, already got the repair kit for it. Same issue with my other monitor of the same make and model.
Next two weeks will be killer at work, a lot to do and no time. I will still go home on time. I used to be so driven to get the work done that I would work nights and weekends, something W resents a lot. She is right, it really didn't get me anywhere. This is what happens when work ethic and pride turn into a runaway train.
Odd...I feel sad and happy at the same time. On Thursday W accidentally (?) called me "sweetie" and told me today that she will do the opposite of what we tell her. She was at first joking around with S13, but she kept repeating it. Not sure what exactly she wanted to tell me there....maybe nothing.

[ovrrnbw]

Haha pink hair? Never would I ever!

Maybe don't share all the details with W? Maybe just say you were out with friends? Or maybe saying it the way you did is who you are and I'm not here to change you.

Sometimes those longer, more involved meals are fun. I really enjoy cooking that way. I looked up a beef and barley stew recipe the other day, inspired by one of your posts. And the weather here is warming, but we still have cold evenings which inspire comfort food for me. Good job on fixing some stuff too. Fixing and building things really keeps the mind occupied and productive. It's such a positive in our situations.

I like the work/life balance you speak of too. Making good use of your time at work can go a long way too. Hard to understand what your W really meant, but you know well enough at this point to not read into it too much. Nice update Dave, hope your week goes well.