AnotherStander, as mentioned above, I decided not to block him but I just asked him how feels and to clarify what he means. I think in the future I'll do that with everyone who I can't meet in person right away if i's not clear whether they're shy, playing games, trying to be cautious, are seeing other people, etc.. It's better to ask and see what they say. If their response is not convincing then it's clear there's no need to talk further. Have you tried that approach? If so, did it work?
I was joking about blocking him, I think you're taking the right approach Yes I did try that because it is really difficult to get a read on people over text or email. I mean REALLY difficult! So yeah, I did often ask for clarification. And sometimes what I wrote would be misunderstood too. Sometimes I'll run across old stuff I wrote (texts, work emails, even stuff here) and it sounds completely different than how I had intended it. That was really one of the reasons I always pushed for a face-to-face meeting is so we could gauge each other's personality and sense of humor. When you are familiar with a person it's easier to understand what they mean when they write something- whether they are kidding or angry or serious.
Hey Nicole! How are you doing? I see up in everyone's threads but I haven't heard an update from you in a while. What's up?
W 34 Me 42 Married 7 years together 8 0 kids 1 beloved dog BD 4/6/2018 I moved out 4/7/2018 I moved back in alone 8/05/2018 I file 3/06/2019 D official 5/7/2019
It's been a few weeks! I got really busy with work to the point where all I've been able to do is work and care for my daughter. I hope to read all of your updates and post on your threads as soon as possible. I'm hoping things start to slow down this week. In the meantime I thought I'd be post a quick update.
There are no changes in my situation. My husband never mentioned divorce again after it came up over the holidays. Apparently he's moving an hour away from us in a month or two but I don't know any details. After the holidays I stopped speaking with him completely. I don't think I mentioned I decided to visit his girlfriend's Instagram account one day, which is now private, but the profile photo has been changed to one of him and her together on a beach somewhere.
About two weeks ago my husband called our daughter three times on a Friday night. During the last call he sounded upset and said "tell Mom that I'm sending her money for a babysitter so she can have a rest." Then this past weekend he visited our daughter and I had to pass by him, unfortunately, to bring the car seat from the car. He no longer comes inside our apartment, but as I entered he said "I need to talk with you in person." I told him to text me. He said "it's not about divorce or anything. We just need to communicate in person." I told him again to text me but he didn't. I don't really know what he thinks or what he's planning but at this point I'm waiting to see what happens when he moves here and starts his apparent new job. I have a lot of concerns about his girlfriend meeting our daughter.
I saw some posts here-and-there about some of your dating stories. It would be so great to meet someone special who's going through the same thing but in my case I haven't even remotely met such a person. The European guy with whom I'd been communicating started sending me videos of himself speaking English and he seemed enthusiastic about meeting until one day he responded late, said he got sick, and I stopped hearing from him a few weeks ago. I have no idea if he met someone else or if he wanted me to follow-up but I haven't written to him because in the last text I said I hope he gets well soon and he easily could have said thanks or said anything to keep the conversation going. The brief glimpse I had of the online dating scene gave me the impression that it's not for me. The other European guy I met through work seems excited to meet when I come to his country but a real-life relationship wouldn't work for us. There's one lone single dad in my building, a few doors down, with a toddler a bit younger than my daughter. We stand in the hallways with our kids sometimes. He's always smiling and laughing and staring at me but he barely says anything except when I ask a question. I can't figure it out....we could be friends but he's either shy, conceited, or not interested.
It's still an odd feeling to feel alone..some days I still wake up and I can't believe my husband is gone. I often feel sad when my neighbors, colleagues, and friends complain about such menial things in their lives and yet they have loving husbands caring for them and helping them. A partnership is such a wonderful thing. Life is already difficult as it is. To share it with someone is just so great. I don't know if I'll ever have that again.
One father of a kid at my daughter's school took care of his kids for two weeks alone while his wife was away. We see each other almost every day so I'd ask how it was going and he'd complain about how hard it was. When his wife got back I asked her where she went and she said "a yoga retreat in Bali." I've never been apart from my daughter for more than a few hours since she was born, which I don't regret, but I can't imagine having such a reliable husband that I'd feel comfortable going away for two weeks. It must be really, really great to have such a husband!
That's all for now, but I hope to respond to your threads soon. AnotherStander, interesting how you note that texts you used to send read differently later on. Davide, thanks for checking-in. How are you doing?
Have to say with the update you gave about your H to me that sounds more like an actual MLC type deal than being wayward. Unlike many of us where you get the "give me a divorce yesterday" rants, my gut feeling is that your H could want to come back someday. Whether you'd want him back is a different story, but I just read MLC based on your update.
Meh...look you need to let the Euro guys go! No matter what the reason they are just too dang far to consider them as "prospects". I will say just because you haven't heard from the one guy in a while doesn't mean you might not hear from him again. Just let him go and keep on making your best life. As for the Dad at work, for whatever reasons, most likely just not a match...just keep on moving. FWIW Miss Sunshine AGAIN contacted me last night. It is wonderful to get to a point in life where you can have the freedom to choose your paths for yourself by yourself once again.
I can relate to your feelings on waking up some days and being like "I still can't believe they are gone". You have your wonderful daughter and if I get to feeling sad I pour more love into my D4. Definitely agree on being able to share a life with someone. A partner to face all of life's challenges with while also making wonderful memories with. Don't know if I'll have that again either, but it is refreshing to at least be clear of our ex's enough to have a sense of fresh hope and possibilities.
My WW asked last week if I'd be interested in having my D4 for longer than usual while she goes on a trip. Of course I said. For many men who are wonderful fathers and wish they could continue learning to be wonderful husbands, they never even have to hear their wives complete the question. It is always an empathic YES! Perhaps those kinds of men are more special and hard to find than I realize, but they are out there. All I can tell you is that for me any day my D4 is not with me is a day that I wish she was.
A+++++ on detaching... doesn't it feel empowering??? He's kind of chasing you down trying to get your attention and you're like not interested... GO GIRL!!!
Let him wonder... let him stew on why you aren't dropping everything for him.
I saw this a few days ago, but didn’t have a chance to comment.
Originally Posted by NicoleR
It's still an odd feeling to feel alone..some days I still wake up and I can't believe my husband is gone. I often feel sad when my neighbors, colleagues, and friends complain about such menial things in their lives and yet they have loving husbands caring for them and helping them. A partnership is such a wonderful thing. Life is already difficult as it is. To share it with someone is just so great. I don't know if I'll ever have that again.
I do agree with you, that having someone to share life with is really great. It’s my hope that both of us can find that again, and I believe that you will, too, even if it takes some time (and I would need to prepare myself for that, as well).
In the meantime, I would like to encourage you to make yourself the best you can be; for yourself, but also for your D. You both deserve the best, and for you to be the best person for her. She will need that for the young woman she is to be in the future.
Originally Posted by NicoleR
One father of a kid at my daughter's school took care of his kids for two weeks alone while his wife was away. We see each other almost every day so I'd ask how it was going and he'd complain about how hard it was. When his wife got back I asked her where she went and she said "a yoga retreat in Bali." I've never been apart from my daughter for more than a few hours since she was born, which I don't regret, but I can't imagine having such a reliable husband that I'd feel comfortable going away for two weeks. It must be really, really great to have such a husband!
My W (or STBXW?) goes away for work fairly often—sometimes works 2nd shift, sometimes does overnights, or goes away for a couple of days, a few weeks (4 weeks or 30 days), or has even done up to 3 months away (about 90 days), and she will be looking to again do so this September, up through December, for training for another position / promotion (she will be gone for 3 months or so this fall).
My L is a successful, accomplished L and career woman—and even she can’t fathom why W would want to be gone for stretches like that.
Earlier, in my MR, I was more grumbly and complain-y about it (and I probably shouldn’t have); but over the last couple of years, I’ve come to more of a place of acceptance, and even in the last couple of weeks, there have been instances where she’s needed me to take care of both of the boys because she has work stuff going on. W asked me about it, and I told her “that will not be a problem.”
It’s not exactly easy, but it gets easier, and I’ve learned to manage and cope better; in light of recent events, I’m also trying to embrace the extra time with them, and realize that for myself this is a glimpse into my probable future, so I should learn to accept and embrace it more.
Good to hear from you! It sounds like you are making progress on the detachment front. It's nice to be at a point that you really don't care what your WAS is doing. I will say that it is a process that is far from linear, there are ebbs and flows, so make sure to cut yourself some slack if you struggle.
Living alone is definitely adjustment. There is a richness in sharing experiences, both joyful and difficult, with someone else. However, I think it has been an important step for me. Learning to appreciate the silence, to sit with yourself, to find your own joy. (Maybe not as much silence with a little one!) I think it is easier to find a partner when you are already enjoying a rich life and have something to share with them.
In terms of dating, you just need to listen to yourself, don't force anything. I think it's a great step that you are looking around and seeing the various options around you, from the distant European guys, to the quiet dad in your building. Who knows if anything could or will work out, but the more you open yourself up to the possibilities the more you create possibilities. Have fun with it!
W 34 Me 42 Married 7 years together 8 0 kids 1 beloved dog BD 4/6/2018 I moved out 4/7/2018 I moved back in alone 8/05/2018 I file 3/06/2019 D official 5/7/2019
BH: 36 WW:33 M: 2 Relationship: 6 years. Dday: Aug 2018 0 1st mention of D: 30/09, 2nd Mention 17/02/2019 LRT: Oct 2018 WW & AP: EA & PA since June 2018 (Moved country and in with AP Feb 2019)
I hope you're all doing as well as possible. I've been trying so hard to post these last few weeks but it hasn't worked out. I had work deadlines, my daughter's birthday parties (multiple ones), and we just got back from our trip to Europe. I'll respond to the last posts and then I'll share an update.
Ballast, I'm not sure if I can let the Euro guys go! Particularly one of them. I'll share an update about that below. I've been focusing on my daughter as I've done since she was born. Since it's just her and I she gets all of my attention and I love her so much. I wish I could give her a loving father! I agree if our marriages can't be saved under any circumstances it's nice to be clear of ex's and try to have fresh hope. Seems you're making progress in that area! That's admirable you want your daughter as much as possible. She's lucky to have you!
KitKat, thanks for your encouragement. I'm not sure if my husband was chasing but I'm sure he notices that I stopped communicating with him. The thing is that he used to call me a lot and complain about stuff and try to talk and if he was single that'd be fine since it might open doors to reconciliation. Now that I know his girlfriend lives with him in our house I can't do that anymore. It's just too hard and not fair so I feel that ending communication is the only option at this time.
Bo, I hope to find someone again if it's possible. I've been trying to hard to be the best I can be....overall I've rebuilt my life and I have a solid career and I'm dedicated to my daughter and together we have many friends and activities but there'll always be that void even though it can be filled in many ways. It's really strange that parents can leave their kids for so long. I can't really imagine it. I'd love to try having my daughter stay overnight with her dad or with a friend but not longer than that! It's great that your take your kids and that you're the stable parent for them. You have a healthy attitude and you're a great dad. This will be really attractive to women that you might meet in the future!
Davide, yes detachment gets better with no communication. I can see how it's easier to find a partner with a rich life. I hope your journey is going well. I'll read and respond to your thread as soon as possible! I do want to be open to new possibilities although it would be hard to dive into anything. It'll have to be very slow.
Manta, thanks so much for checking in. I will respond to your thread soon too.
Update: I had a fun time planning my daughter's birthday parties and then we just got back from a great trip to Northern Europe. The trip helped a lot - prior to leaving I was really stressed and felt weighed down by everything. It was great to go there and see old friends and familiar places...to breath fresh and air and spend eight to ten hours per day outdoors with beautiful scenery. I'm hoping to go back in a few weeks and to figure out a longer term plan to live there part-time.
During the trip I met the guy from work. It was great! As I've mentioned in the past I don't want to date him since he's younger and has no kids. I just wanted to enjoy our time together so we had lunch with my daughter (I couldn't find a babysitter and he said he wanted to meet her) and we talked about work, the great life in his country, our mutual friends, etc.. He's dating someone and I told him about my situation and everything was great. Originally I didn't see him as someone I'd have as a long term friend but now I feel we're real friends and we'll continue to cross paths.
Then there's the other guy I had met online last year who is going through the same situation we're all dealing with here on this forum. After we were in touch in February he stopped responding and disappeared as I wrote in my last update. I was telling my friends in his country about it and they encouraged me to contact him. Initially I didn't agree because why would I try to contact someone who's not interested? Then towards the end of the trip I felt really uncomfortable but I sent him a message to say hi and that I was there in his city. He responded right away with messages and photos and asking about my schedule. He said he'd been thinking of me a lot (in my mind I was like seriously? He knew I was coming and he knew it was my birthday and he didn't write so how could he have been thinking about me?). It seems he'd been waiting for me to make a move. Apparently this is somewhat common in his culture? We decided to meet up a day later. I had no one to watch my daughter and he had no one to watch his kids so we planned a family excursion to an island. Normally this wouldn't be appropriate but there was no other choice. My daughter didn't behave well but we spent the day together. We were mainly focused on our own kids but I think our attraction was mutual (and actually immediate). He sent a lot of compliments after our meeting and he wants to meet again soon. It's complicated because he's just as traumatized about his partner leaving for another man as I am about my husband and we both are single parents to young kids. I think if we are cautious and communicate carefully we can see how it goes. More than anything it'd be nice to have a friendship with someone who's dealing with the same situation who is also a potential partner but not an immediate partner. I think being long distance is an advantage because it helps us to focus on our kids and every day life and we can see how things evolve.
Overall my thoughts are mixed about meeting someone new. Meeting someone new creates new risks but it's also probably the ultimate step towards moving on. There is the possibility of moving on and then his partner returns to him or my husband returns to me and then we're caught in the dilemma of hurting the new person vs. risking getting hurt again by the one who left us. I do think there's a strong chance my husband will return within five or ten years and our daughter will still be quite young and we could give her a family again if he's ready to completely reform himself but it'll be hard. Knowing he brought his girlfriend to live in the house that we built as a family makes it a lot harder to think about trying again. I encourage anyone here who has no idea why their husband or wife left to seek the truth. In my case it helped to erase the ambiguity. I can't say it made things easier but it facilitated the decision to stop talking.
I hope I can respond to your threads. I will see if I can stay awake tonight. I have some jet lag but if not tonight I'll try for the weekend!
Yes I did try that because it is really difficult to get a read on people over text or email. I mean REALLY difficult! So yeah, I did often ask for clarification. And sometimes what I wrote would be misunderstood too. Sometimes I'll run across old stuff I wrote (texts, work emails, even stuff here) and it sounds completely different than how I had intended it. That was really one of the reasons I always pushed for a face-to-face meeting is so we could gauge each other's personality and sense of humor. When you are familiar with a person it's easier to understand what they mean when they write something- whether they are kidding or angry or serious.