The mediator asked us if we wanted a legal separation or divorce? I thought she was all for divorce and she hesitated. So, we have to decide on what route we want to go. Legal separation will be cheaper. But I wonder if we just go for divorce? Wondering what people on here have done if they had the option. Or just in general what I should choose.
You don't want either, right? So let her choose. "I am not for either one. So I will leave it up to you to decide."
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Things have been somewhat calm in the house. Except for today. My D is not doing well in school (6th grade), so today when she got home she told me the test she studied for she got a 67. Of course I was very upset, I did not yell at her but she knew I was very upset. She then began to cry because she felt like she studied well. Of course at that moment my W came home. As soon as she saw my D crying she went into b%*ch mode. This is why I don’t like coming home. She has huffing and puffing about my D crying and then about the grade.
My D has severe separation anxiety from my W since she was 6. Been in IC since then, but at times she has it real bad. So now because of what my W and I are going through she uses that as a manipulation tactic and says she does want to be around me or be with me. This way she can always be with my W. Well, before I had to take my S to gymnastics and my D has to come, didn’t want to leave her home by herself. W was going to the gym. My D starts in with my W that she doesn’t want to go with me. So of course W flips out on my D about not going. Then she comes to me and says that my relationship with my D is disgusting, that this is no way for anyone to live and then said if my D and I are trying to punish her. I was going to validate but I said to my w don’t you think she is using that as a manipulation tactic to keep you home? She ignored my comment and said this is just a horrible way to live and then she walked out of the room.
Then right before she left she said goodbye to the kids and ignored me. Which is fine I’m detaching. Question for everyone, every morning before I leave from work I go upstairs and say goodbye to the kids and then go say good bye to my wife. Should I not say good bye to her? A little history, when I would get mad in the past I wouldn’t say good bye to her. What do yo think?
M:42 XW:41 T:19 M: 15 D:13 S:10 BD: 8/10/18 Moved out: 8/18 Moved in: 9/18/18 Moved out: 4/22/19 D papers signed 11/4/19 D final 3/18/20
Then right before she left she said goodbye to the kids and ignored me. Which is fine I’m detaching. Question for everyone, every morning before I leave from work I go upstairs and say goodbye to the kids and then go say good bye to my wife. Should I not say good bye to her? A little history, when I would get mad in the past I wouldn’t say good bye to her. What do yo think?
Wolfy if you are upstairs saying good bye to the kids and she is there then I would just say good bye. It's amazing how when your caught up in your sitch you worry about these little insignificant things. One way another good bye no good bye it doesn't change anything so just do what you feel is right.
I am on here seeking the advice from all the vets. Tonight I found out that my W went out on a date. Just a quick summary of where we are in our relationship. I am living in he basement apartment for the last 7 months while w is in the mbr. We have gone through mediation and have divided up all the money, child arrangements, etc. she has still not decided if we are going for legal separation or divorce though. I would like to know my next move. Do I take back the mbr until she buys me out and not say why, just take it back? Do I confront her about he om? Or do I just pretend like I don’t know. Right now my emotions are running high and I know I’m not supposed to let my emotions dictate what I do. Please advise. Thanks
M:42 XW:41 T:19 M: 15 D:13 S:10 BD: 8/10/18 Moved out: 8/18 Moved in: 9/18/18 Moved out: 4/22/19 D papers signed 11/4/19 D final 3/18/20
I would take back the MBR. And then you need to move forward with your life. Let go and detach. It's time to really detach, GAL, and act as if.
I would go to her with confidence and self respect, because she has none for you at the moment, and I would say, "I'm not the one that's want out of the M, so I won't be sleeping in the basement anymore, I will be sleeping in the MBR. I also know you are going on dates, respect our home and family!". Don't say anything else, don't linger, don't ask anything else. And don't answer, how do you know. Move out with confidence and respect. If you answer, her how do you know question, she will try to turn the situation around and spin you into a pretzel. She will be looking for a reason to argue with you, so she can be angry.
Don't fall for it. It's time to walk in positivity. Her emotions, shouldn't affect yours. She's mad, you're happy, she's angry, you're happy, she's happy, you're happy, she's yelling, you're talking calmly and you're happy.
Her actions, has no more affect on your reactions, and her reactions are no longer your concern.
M:37 W:37 T:11 M:10 S17, S13, S10, S4 BD:06/28/17 OM confirmed 07/20/17 Recon the M 10/29/17 Working hard:2gether
Onward and forward
This process is not a sprint it's a marathon! Patience, Patience, Patience.
Wolf, her reasoning if you confront will be, " we have everything worked out so technically we are no longer married." I'd take back the MBR but then I would never would have given it up.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
So I k ow I have gone against what is advised but I moved out and in with my parents. I just could not stay there anymore. It was destroying my mental health. I was getting so depressed and I was being taken advantage of. This will really help me detach emotionally and obviously physically. Tomorrow she contacting the mediator about drawing up the papwerwork on our divorce. I went to the house to see the kids for a little while, before I left I went into the kitchen to say goodbye to w. What I saw I almost dropped dead, she cleaned the entire kitchen and there was not a single thing on the counters. This has been one of our disputes about cleaning up the kitchen because she would never do it. So I complemented her on cleaning and I said, “man you did a 180 cleaning the kitchen.” She said yeah in the past you were always complaining about me doing it which made me not want to do it. Now I did it because I wanted too. Which to me is ridiculous, so you didn’t do it to spite me? Sounds logical. Then she said I noticed you have changed too and I said yeah, she said, “it’s only temporary I one changes like that permanently.” I told her when someone goes through something this traumatic people can absolutely change. She said I don’t believe it. Then I said goodbye and left.
M:42 XW:41 T:19 M: 15 D:13 S:10 BD: 8/10/18 Moved out: 8/18 Moved in: 9/18/18 Moved out: 4/22/19 D papers signed 11/4/19 D final 3/18/20
I guess the whole don’t believe what they say doesn’t apply to my w. She has never backed down or swayed. This has been the most painful thing I have ever gone through. I feel like she defies all the rules in respect that she has always said what she means. I kept hoping everyone was right and that her dog would be lifted and it never has. She is like a locomotive, once she is in motion she stays in motion. Just very depressed today the reality of my divorce is setting in.
M:42 XW:41 T:19 M: 15 D:13 S:10 BD: 8/10/18 Moved out: 8/18 Moved in: 9/18/18 Moved out: 4/22/19 D papers signed 11/4/19 D final 3/18/20
Wolfman,I think we are in a similar situation. Divorce also settling in for me today.
Just glancing the first page of newcomers posts today it seems all of us entering divorce, which is disheartening. And mostly all of us men, with wives initiating the process.
I think the "believe none of what they say..." has to do with them giving us false hope, or a false narrative of their affair. They actually do want a divorce, they wouldn't have asked for it otherwise. But even that is based on their foggy mind and misinterpretation. The lies she has told me that you may relate to: hiding the affair to this day, she needs to find herself (its the affair), locked phone and social media frenzy, she acts all civil at times that coincide with her secretly having destroyed my reputation to her lawyer and people in our social circle.
Its funny when they say we cant change. I love what MWD had to say on the subject and I am guilty of throwing it in my wife's face, when she told me there is no change. I told her "When you first met me, you loved me right? You dont love me now. = CHANGE "I was a nice guy then, correct?" Later I neglected you ? = CHANGE So things can change again for the better. Emotions are not flat and rigid.
Seems they only believe behaviors change for the worst, and then stay cemented over there for all eternity.
B.D in December 2018 Physical Affairs discovered in April 2019 Divorced May 2019 H (me) 49 W (her) 29
