Blu - I hope you know everyone is rooting for your happiness in whatever form that takes. Both paths will take work on your part to reach your "next level". Take a deep breath, and when you find your body and heart feel especially strong take a step forward.
Then rest. Then gather your strength again. This sounds like a slow but steady kind of mountain. You will 100% make it to the top.
I understand the feeling of being stuck. There have been plenty of days, where I just can't anymore. Just can't find the energy to forgive or forget what my W did. I can't find the energy to be happy or content with our M. Can't find reasons to stay other than us having kids together. I know if we didn't, I would be gone. My wife is a good woman. She has a great heart, she is very considerate and beautiful. But, and this but is where I get hung up at. She made a decision, that's hard for a person like me to move pass. Loyalty is high on a characteristics I want in my spouse.
We sat down the other night and I told her I'm having a hard time wanting to stay. And I have a big decision to make. We both agreed we will be ok no matter my decision. It's a lot of work forgiving and healing. For about a month I was coming home angry every night. I just couldn't shake the feeling.
Being vulnerable is not only scary with a person that has took it for granted but it's hard as f#$! to process as well.
After that conversation things became a lot smoother for us. My anger went down a lot.
I met a man at church who W cheated on him. Him and his W stayed together, I asked him how long it took him to get over his W infidelity and forgive her. He said 5 years. I was like, oh hell nah, I can't wait that long. But that was my initial reaction.
My W made some great points as well. She was in a very bad and low place and the way I treated her was horrible before BD. She's trying to forgive me as well.
Onward and forward
M:37 W:37 T:11 M:10 S17, S13, S10, S4 BD:06/28/17 OM confirmed 07/20/17 Recon the M 10/29/17 Working hard:2gether
Onward and forward
This process is not a sprint it's a marathon! Patience, Patience, Patience.
P_Jam, thank you for weighing in. Rookie or not, I appreciate everyone's input. IMO, we can all learn something from anyone if we keep an open mind. I would agree that opening our hearts again and trusting someone does come with a "cost" and that might very well be vulnerability. My H has said the same thing about me: that I keep a wall up and do not allow myself to be vulnerable. I don't feel as if I do that consciously, but am not going to disagree with it. I have done some of my own research on forgiveness, however what I've learned is that it is such a personal and individual thing. We all experience it and treat it differently. I think for me, forgiveness it is not an end goal to be achieved, but more of process that I am constantly moving through. The process has been bumpy, and not linear, and at times I take 2 steps forward and then 3 steps back. I do recognize that as the years go by, it feels as if it is getting easier.
Hi Alison. I would like to read your sitch. Sometimes I randomly follow people here, and then miss different posters, but for no reason other than because I randomly open up the site and happen to read from the first page of posts. I will find your threads. ... One thing I've noticed is that most threads that are active are newbies that first come here and are in the new/desperate phase of their sitch. Some stick around and some move on. We don't tend to talk as much about what happens after the initial shock, when people slightly come back together, yet there is little momentum to move strongly in one direction. That can be very hard and confusing and there are no set rules for that. ... Do I regret my decision to R? In one word, no. If you read my threads tho, you can see how messy and confusing it has all been, so I will never say it was the "best" decision, but it is one I will stand by. Until I don't anymore or until I am clear that it will work out as I want it to. I am 4 years in and this is a long marathon ...
Neffer, thanks. You know, I have heard/read this a lot - that forgiveness is not so much something you give to the other person, but that it is something you give yourself. I get that. When we hold onto a grudge, we in essence poison our own soul by continuing to allow the negative thoughts and emotions. We free ourselves of that when we accept and forgive. As I said above, I don't see forgiveness as an end goal. It is certainly not a light switch that I can turn on. For me it has been a process. Some of that has been based on his consistent commitment to me, our M and our family. However more of it has been based on my own thoughts, actions and choices. .... And let's be real, there are varying degrees of assaults that a person can do. Having a brief EA or a one night stand, and then coming to your W and asking for forgiveness is one level. Having an extended affair -- a long full on R -- with OW and then leaving your W, children and home is quite another level. IMO, it is one of the worst things a man can do. While some may argue that anyone is capable of that, I will argue that most do not actually go through with it. So really Neffer, my forgiveness is less motivated by him deserving my forgiveness, or by me freeing myself of a harmful grudge, but more so it is motivated by the fact that my children deserve it. When I chose to have kids, I chose to provide as much for them as I possibly can, and that includes a loving family. H is on board, and so I will give it by best effort too, even if it takes many years. Now, if he still had any feelings/thoughts about OW (as you have posted that you do at times), I can tell you I would be long gone. He has to be in this 100% now for me to even consider him, and now I have to keep working to meet him there ....
To Be Continued ...
Blu
“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
Maika, I read your post a couple of times and am a bit confused. What do you mean by "exiting the highway?" Are you suggesting it could be time for me to give up and move on from him entirely? If so, let me know if you are still available in a few months from now. ;-) JK. LOL. .... Developing meaningful intimacy has been hard lately. And the history in the last 4 years has been that it is there -- somewhere it exists and resurfaces -- but it is not usually long lasting. Also, I fully acknowledge that it is my doing and changing that leads to it. He is present and he is patient. When I shift my mindset and put the energy forward, the intimacy results. So yeah, the ball is entirely in my court. There is good and bad to that. I also recognize that overall this does get easier with time. I don't have the same triggers or emotional responses that used to interfere with my thinking/living/just trying to move forward, that I did a couple years ago.
Yail, thank you for the vote of confidence. I appreciate it, really!
joejoe, I can relate to everything you post. Honestly, I could have written that with very minor edits. It is sort of strange to be stuck in this power dynamic. It sounds like your W and my H are to a degree waiting for us to fully come around and commit -- to forgive, to be vulnerable, and to start to let go of the past. It is a relief to know that they will not go anywhere, that they are here now, and they are taking responsibility and are committed to change. It also feels like a bit of pressure , because we know we need to figure this out and make it happen. Sometimes that can be so hard when your heart is just not in it. My kids are my biggest motivator to stay and I don't see that as a bad thing. Whoever says "you can't just stay for the kids," is wrong IMO. My kids are the best reason for making this work. They deserve a family, they deserve to stay in our nice home and continue to go to the top schools. They deserve everything -- all the sports, rides, vacations, coordinating all their activities, time together, stability, etc etc -- and it is so much easier to provide that while working together. What I need to do a better job of, is showing them what a loving couple looks like. .... 5 years? Wow. Well, I am a year away (shrugs), so maybe I just need more time ...
Blu
“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
Thanks for the reply, Blu. I ask about regret because I think that's what is holding me back from trusting and having faith - faith that H means what he says, and faith that I will be okay even if I try to R with him and it doesn't work out. I don't want to regret my decision. Part of what keeps me in limbo is myself. I could pull the plug or leap into R with him and I do neither, even though I hate limbo, because of that fear. It is interesting that even though things are difficult and still a work in progress, you don't regret your decision. It helps me to hope.
Alison, I think I would have regretted not giving this a try. If I had walked away from him, then I would not have ever known what it could be. If what it's turning out to be doesn't ever feel right, well then I can make a different choice when the time comes. Right now tho, my main motivation is for my children. And fortunately he has done everything that he can do to show that he is remorseful, trustworthy and committed to making this work. It's still not easy tho and perhaps the hardest thing I have done. I have to constantly put my head over my heart. It doesn't feel natural at times.
When I am having a lot of doubts, I go back to this -- if it is true what people say, that everything happens for a reason, then I must be able to find meaning in this too. What can I learn from this? How can I change and become a better person? I think in a lot of ways I have. I think I like myself now more than I did before BD. When someone pulls the rug out from under your life, and you come crashing down, you have to eventually pick yourself up. No one can do that for you. I think before BD, I had these ideas about how life should be and about how relationships should be. Perhaps I was narrow-minded because I hadn't known what real soul-crushing heartbreak was. But it didn't kill me. I survived it. And I believe I am stronger for it. I think that might be the meaning in all this. And for me, finding meaning in this, makes it much easier to accept. It was my silver lining so to speak.
All that being said, I don't think we should take our S back simply because they are willing and it's an available option. You mention that you are in limbo, and that it is you that is keeping yourself there. Sometimes it can be hard to see the truth when we have been hurt. Do you not trust him or do you not trust yourself? The answer is somewhere but may not be visible yet. I am going to look at your sitch ...
Blu
“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
Finding meaning in all this is the only way to make sense of it, I think. I was exactly the same before BD, I was always like 'why make life so difficult, love should be easy', and er, it so isn't. Becoming a better, kinder, more forgiving, patient person might not feel worth it but we can't waste this much pain. Best to put it to use for the sake of yourself and everyone you love.
I think before BD, I had these ideas about how life should be and about how relationships should be. Perhaps I was narrow-minded because I hadn't known what real soul-crushing heartbreak was. But it didn't kill me. I survived it. And I believe I am stronger for it. I think that might be the meaning in all this. And for me, finding meaning in this, makes it much easier to accept. It was my silver lining so to speak.
I like to imagine scar tissue forming after the heartbreak. It takes a long-time for scartissue to form. And I hear that it's tougher tissue than skin. So I try to imagine that while hearts can break, it is the rebuilding of the heart that allows us to love deeper and stronger.
You mention that you are in limbo, and that it is you that is keeping yourself there. Sometimes it can be hard to see the truth when we have been hurt. Do you not trust him or do you not trust yourself? The answer is somewhere but may not be visible yet. I am going to look at your sitch ...
Thank you for asking this, Blu. It chimes with something that came up in my IC yesterday and which has left me feeling really sad. A good sad, I think, because it is about accepting reality. I don't think I trust myself. Not my judgement of this situation, not my ability to forgive and love and manage my own hurt feelings, not my capacity to go ahead and pull the plug and move on if that's what is best for me and my children, and not my capacity to R with a man who will never be perfect. You've helped me see where I am, and that's progress - even if I don't much like where I am right now.
