Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 8 of 11 1 2 6 7 8 9 10 11
Joined: Aug 2018
Posts: 921
F
FlySolo Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
F
Joined: Aug 2018
Posts: 921
I suspect the juxtaposition between my being friendly and interested in his day and then setting such clear boundaries is probably confusing the hell out of him. On the one hand I'm interested in the things he has to say, maintaining eye contact and smiling a lot, and on the other I am calmly telling him "this isn't your home".

I even said "enjoy the rest of your evening" when he left tonight (he promptly said he was probably going straight to bed as he needs to be up at 4:30 tomorrow for work). I told him to try and get some chill out time anyway as he's been with the kids for the last 2.5 days.

Not sure where it will go. But I am happy with the path I have decided to take.


W40 (me), H40
M14, Together 16
D12, D9

BD Oct 17
Moved out Mar 18

Joined: Feb 2019
Posts: 704
D
Member
Offline
Member
D
Joined: Feb 2019
Posts: 704
You sound like you're actually having fun with this, FS. Not in a mean way but in a lighthearted, detached way. The thing about him looking at your breasts is hilarious, always nice to be appreciated even if it is by someone who then acts like a child! If this is detachment I'm all for it smile

Joined: Nov 2018
Posts: 685
Y
Member
Offline
Member
Y
Joined: Nov 2018
Posts: 685
Loving it FS. I love you've found such a great balance of taking back your power which then seems to give you enough energy and confidence to be more open/kind to him. I definitely see the connection where by defining your own space you can relax to let him closer to you in some ways. You are losing your fear of him hurting you.

H checking you out was the most surprising to me. I'd be curious to hear if that progresses or continues.

Joined: Feb 2019
Posts: 1,048
A
Member
Offline
Member
A
Joined: Feb 2019
Posts: 1,048
You sound in very good spirits, FS.

I wonder if he was trying to save face a bit in front of his brother when you had that interaction about the decking? It sounds like he likes having things on his own terms - the flat but also being able to come and go in the family home as he likes - total and unlimited contact with his children, but back-up wife work so he doesn't actually have to be a single parent. The conversation about the money and the decking sounded like him attempting to take some decisions and be man of the house, and I am not surprised he didn't like it when you pointed out that it wasn't actually his home any longer, and you'd be having full input into that decision yourself. I also think as he's the one who pretends to set boundaries (the business with the steaks) but actually just uses them to give punishments, he probably thinks that boundaries from you are about him - ie - punishments - rather than about your own comfort and security. So he'd expect a poor attitude from you, and when you continue being warm as well as having a boundary, he doesn't know what to do with himself. I've noticed similar behaviour from my H in the past, but I can just never quite sustain it.

Joined: Oct 2018
Posts: 2,174
Likes: 46
D
Member
Offline
Member
D
Joined: Oct 2018
Posts: 2,174
Likes: 46
UGH... Your description of his passive aggressive behaviour made me want to punch him. He was basically punishing you...like you are his child and not his wife. Good for you for not reacting. Not sure I could have done it. His treatment of you is just plain disrespectful. I maintain what I said before... you deserve so much better.

Why does he insist it is his “home” when he has moved out and lives elsewhere? He really does want to have his cake and eat it too. You just need to figure out how much you will allow him to eat. (((HUGS)))

Joined: Aug 2018
Posts: 921
F
FlySolo Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
F
Joined: Aug 2018
Posts: 921
The 'his home' position is based on a legal argument. Even though he has left I cannot deny him access to the property - he is on the deeds and it is classed as the marital home. It is a bit of a grey area tbh - I have a right to privacy in my home and he has to respect that but at the same time he has a right to come and go as he pleases.

Stupid English laws !!!

His treatment of me is better than it has been in a long time. Before it would have been five minutes of ranting, end of the world, catastrophe type b**cks. Now it is just not offering me any dinner.

He then quickly reverts to Mr Nice Guy. Water off a ducks back.

Yail - He has always watched me. Even when he was an angry alien he watched me. What made this time different was he wasn't watching me with an eye to criticise ("are you really wearing that?") or waiting until I walked away before he looked, but eyes straight to chest kind of looking. He saw me as a sexual being and he was embarrassed when he got caught.

TBH I've noticed a lot more of it lately but this was the most blatant and the only time he realised I'd caught him. I don't read anything into it other than he is a man and I am a reasonably attractive woman. The real change for me is knowing that he sees me as a woman and not the enemy.

Day 3 of FS Initiative

WFH as kids still on hols. Took them out to lunch and now home 'supposedly' working. D9 is downstairs doing a craft activity with our nanny and D12 is watching the Vampire Diaries on telly.

I have invited some of the kids from D9's class to do an easter egg hunt here on friday. D9 and D12 have been excitedly planning the day. We will need to prepare the garden Friday morning, make sandwiches, bake/buy cakes and such for an afternoon tea. I am looking forward to preparing for the hunt with my girls almost as much as I am looking forward to hosting it. Perhaps even more.

I have also planned a long weekend to Brighton one of the bank holidays in May. The Brighton Fringe Festival is on and there are lots of activities for the children so it should be fun.

On the H front ...

H is working today but has asked if he can pick the girls up after football training tonight and bring them back here. He will probably have a cup of tea, spend 20 mins with them, and then head back to his flat. He will then be back at 8 in the morning to watch the girls until 3 (when he has to go to work again). I sometimes wonder why he has a flat at all.

Not much else to be honest. Still feeling pretty positive overall.


W40 (me), H40
M14, Together 16
D12, D9

BD Oct 17
Moved out Mar 18

Joined: Aug 2018
Posts: 921
F
FlySolo Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
F
Joined: Aug 2018
Posts: 921
Oh - I am making cottage pie (kids and H's favorite) for when the kids get back from footie training.

I will be asking him if he wants to join us for dinner.

This is me being the bigger person.


W40 (me), H40
M14, Together 16
D12, D9

BD Oct 17
Moved out Mar 18

Joined: Aug 2012
Posts: 8,152
Likes: 1
A
Member
Offline
Member
A
Joined: Aug 2012
Posts: 8,152
Likes: 1
Originally Posted by FlySolo
There was some back and forth and I finally said the "I have to live here, it might be your house but it is not your home". He had a stupid smile on his face and said loudly "THIS is still MY home". I walked away.


Kind of a low blow on your part, don't you think? You might want to think about that, and ask yourself what you were hoping to accomplish. I think at some level (maybe sub-conscious) you wanted to make him angry. And it DID make him angry, and his passive-aggressive response to that anger in turn made you more angry. See what I'm getting at here? If you're honest with yourself, YOU started it. Seems kind of petty to blame him for being a "child" when you were the one that poked the bear with a stick, right? One of the hardest things for an LBS to do is to learn how to take the moral high road in the face of WAS behavior, but it will make you feel good about yourself no matter what happens in your sitch.


Me: 60 w/ S18, D24, D27

M: 21 years; BD: 06-14-12; S: 09-10-12; D final: 03-17-14; XW:57
Joined: Aug 2018
Posts: 921
F
FlySolo Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
F
Joined: Aug 2018
Posts: 921
AS - It is not often I disagree with you but this time I do.

He does not live here. He moved out over a year ago. This is not his home.

1. He chose to move and call somewhere else his home.
2. He does not contribute to the mortgage and never has (note: I am not bitter about this - if/when it comes to splitting the assets then we will split them 50/50.).

I have asked him repeatedly to let me know when he is coming to walk our dog or when he will have the children here. He says he will then he doesn't. Sometimes he is here all day (the camera is good for something) on his own for no good reason. When I mention it he says something dismissive like "Yeah, I came around to walk [the dog] or "I was waiting for a package to be delivered". If I push him on it, he then says "I can come here whenever I like".

This time he was trying to push me into agreeing to go cheap with the decking because it suited him. He does not want to spend more than the money we put away a long time ago. When he told me his brother was willing to do it cheaply and quickly, I initially said "Thanks. I'll think about it" and went to walk back inside. He called me out again and tried to convince me again and I said "I am not sure that I want to go cheap. I still want it to look nice". We went around in this loop for about 5 minutes, him coming up with reasons we should do it and me saying "I'll think about it". Finally he said "The money is in my account and I say we're going ahead with it". That's when I reminded him that this is not his home.

What was I trying to accomplish ... I was trying to set a clear boundary regarding his status in relation to the house. It has always bothered me. In the past I've done this via wishy washy "can you let me know when you're coming around" or through actions - I treat him like a guest when he's here by saying things like "help yourself to a cup of tea" or "just show yourself out when you're done". I've been doing this pretty much since he left. It has not worked. I wanted to remind him that he cannot have his cake (his flat) and eat it too (treat this house like it is still his home).

We talk a lot on this site about regaining our self respect and putting aside our inner mister nice guy and stating clearly that we will not be disrespected. My H coming and going as he pleases is disrespectful to me.

BTW - you were the one that said the camera thing was, to use your words, creepy AF. Yes, it (was) creepy. But more to the point, it was controlling.


W40 (me), H40
M14, Together 16
D12, D9

BD Oct 17
Moved out Mar 18

Joined: Feb 2019
Posts: 1,048
A
Member
Offline
Member
A
Joined: Feb 2019
Posts: 1,048
I somehow missed, FS, that he left such a long time ago and is still regularly coming into the house when the girls or you aren't there. That is creepy and unnecessary. It's territory marking.

Page 8 of 11 1 2 6 7 8 9 10 11

Moderated by  Cadet, DnJ, job, Michele Weiner-Davis 

Link Copied to Clipboard