Sorry it's taken me a while to respond. Thanks to all for piping in. It really does help to know that I am not alone in this.
Adam - My H is quick to anger. He has terrible road rage and is the first to complain when he feels an injustice has been done to him or the children. But this is always in the safety of the car or at home where no one can retaliate. Outwards, he projects reasonableness and control. He has not brought it up other than in passing. I responded "I forgot" and that was it. When I say he is trying to control his temper, I know that if that conversation had happened and I was there, the anger would have come up, but he would have pushed it back down. I know that this is not a good thing, but at the same time it shows that he is starting to care about my feelings or he cares what I think.
Alison - D12 wasn't conspiring with H, it was more of an "haha he's made at you again". She has learned not to get anxious when he gets mad at me. It doesn't effect her anymore because it doesn't affect me. She finds it funny. This is a good sign. They don't see danger in it anymore.
Dilly - the distinction was made by DnJ. His thread is in the MLC forum. I joined this community after reading his thread. He is a man of infinite patience in the face of crazy. If you get a chance read his thread do. It often reminds me of what unconditional love really means.
Paco - you are too hard on yourself. You are detached. You can be detached and still love. I didn't think you could be detached and still hold out hope - and sometimes I still falter, but it's possible.
DV - always always great to hear from you. There have been times when, given I don't know you, you have been my truest friend. Keep on moving on. I am thoroughly enjoying reading of your adventures.
I met H and the girls in London Friday evening. He had bought tickets to the England football (soccer for the non-English on here) which was playing that night. D9 had said she didn't want to go so I offered to take her for the night (it was his night) and instead he took one of D12's friends. Anyway, I took D9 to watch Aladdin in the west end and we had a brilliant night together. I got tickets close to the front and she giggled and smiled through the whole thing. I think I spent more time watching her the watching the show, but tbh, I enjoyed watching her be happy more than I would have enjoyed the show. It is watching the world through the eyes of someone who still sees wonder in it. We all met back at the station after the game/show and headed home together. I sat across from H and pretty much just fell asleep. There was some conversation but I was actually pretty tired. When we got back to the station he offered to drive me back to where I had parked my car, but as he too had parked a fair distance from the station (15 mins) I said I would just head off on my own. It was weird watching my family walk in the opposite direction to me. He was more upset than me and said "Don't be stupid by the time you walk to your car, I could have driven you there" but, honestly, I just wanted to get away.
Saturday I was on my own most of the day. I decided to go in to town and grab a bite to eat and browse the stores. I stopped at a book store and bought a book of poetry (to read whilst I was eating lunch) and also had my nails done. Afterwards, I went to H's flat and spent an hour with the children (I texted him in the morning to see if it would be OK if popped around) as he was having them overnight Saturday too.
That night a girlfriend came over who is going through a very messy D. She is one of the mums at D9's and her H has been having an affair for about six months. Everyone knows and it has gotten very messy (the A was with another mum). He moved out last week and last night was the first time he was having their kids over night. She does not want him back, but the sitch has taken its toll, she is emotionally and physically broken. Despite knowing that she does not want him back, she fears the same things we all fear: being alone; the damage to her children; having to sell her home. Anyway, we talked late into the night about forgiveness, moving on, staying strong, and the importance of maintaining a equilibrium for the children. All things I learned here.
Football today. H came round before hand and spent an hour here and then we all went to football. It was a fair drive away and we spoke about my friend who came over. He cannot understand what her H is doing. He is disgusted. He worries about the kids. He mentioned MLC and depression and that her H is trying to escape because he feels inadequate and disappointed with his life (he was fired from work two years ago and has been unemployed ever since). It was ironic. But it was conversation. So that's positive.
Not much else to report. I have the girls this evening so I am going to cook a cottage pie and after dinner we will all sit in with a video and popcorn. It will be a good night.
Sorry for the many posts but I wanted to share the below. Whilst reading the book of poetry (in the coffee shop) I started to quietly cry to myself. I wasn't sad. The words just resonated with me. Must have looked like a crazy person, but honestly, some of it really hit home.
I wanted to share the below for all of us who were so broken that we didn't think we could make it, then found that we had the strength to do so.
Ghost Story Nikita Gill
Ask me my favourite ghost story and I will tell you the one about your haunted house heart still housing all the people you used to be.
The child inside you you thought life had taken the person who was full of joy that tragedy had broken.
You imagined they had left you that those parts of you that made you incandescent and valuable are gone.
What no one ever told you was that nothing ever really dies not if it matters to you your memories keep it alive.
It is the law of the universe that even ghosts understand as long as they matter to someone they still exists and in your heart they stand.
Ghosts of the person you used to be are so proud of who you are they live on inside of you applauding you for living on despite your scars.
That is a beautiful poem, so appropriate to many of us here.
I can identify with the anger thing, I think both I and the kids were scared of dh's anger for so long. And you're right that him controlling it is a sign that he doesn't want to hurt you like that any more. Must be a hard habit for him to break, especially for men who are allowed such a limited range of emotions to express...
Thanks for sharing that poem FS. It's beautiful and tugged at my heart.
More so than the poem was the night you described with D9 at the movies. Not many people I see here watch the movies sitting up front anymore. I remember them days as a kid with the BIG screen up in my face. Too many people like to sit middle and back of the theatre. Glad to hear of you two having a blast. A child's laughter is very powerful, medicine for the soul.
London just sounds like a really cool place to be. We live out here in the suburbs of a rather large city in Texas, a lot of traffic and houses.
Good to hear that your H is working on his anger. It isn't easy for sure and the anger just doesn't go away over night. I have faith he'll find better ways at handling it and even then, I'm suspecting he will come to terms with what is worth the energy and what he will need to let go to be happy. What helps is that you don't take it personally. Sometimes if a person is left to stew in their own mess with no one else going to save them (or to take the blame), they get up and get going. As long as you aren't an outlet for that mess, I'm sure things can only get better.
Have a great evening! I am here alone, W took the kids to SIL with the pool so they are enjoying that. I get to turn up the music as loud as I want.
H 49 , W 47 T 23, M 17 S11, S5 BD: 7/18 IHS: 7/18 - 3/19 Physically Separated: 3/19-4/19 Piecing: 4/19 - Current
What a beautiful poem FS. Thank you so much for sharing it. I read it a number of times. It really resonated. Thank you, too, for your lovely compliment. You have been a true friend to me as well. I am so grateful for all of the amazing advice and encouragement you took time to pass on to me. It helped me immensely and I am in a much better place and am much happier than I have been in years because of it. Thank you does not seem adequate.
Your H seems to be making some small positive steps. I stand by what I have always felt in your sitch... I think he will find his way back. Much love and (((HUGS))).
Adam - I always sit up the front at the movies. A childhood habit that has been inherited by my children. One of the first films I can remember seeing was Star Wars. We were right up the front and my dad let me lie on the floor. When the "In a Galaxy far far away ... " started to scroll up the screen it was simply magical. I have sat up the front ever since. But I took D9 to Aladdin the Musical. The front row was very very expensive so we had to make do with four rows back. It was still magical. Mostly because her eyes were as big as saucers through most of it and her little legs were kicking in excitement.
We are all mostly coasting along in our new normal. Trying to be nice, sometimes failing. A couple of interesting things of note.
One has to do with our dog. My H does not think I take good enough care of her. Since he moved out and I let the Au Pair go our dog no longer gets a daily walk. This is because I leave home at 8 and don't get back until 7 in the evening. On the days I have the kids, our nanny arrives at half one and sometimes walks her and sometimes not (depending on what is on that day). On the days he has the kids, the nanny does not come in, and our dog may be alone from the time I leave to the time I get home. I am often too tired to walk her when I get in. He will sometimes come over on these days and walk her. Well, last week she was only walked once during the week. When I went around to the flat on Saturday to visit the girls he asked me how often she had been walked. I answered truthfully and he replied "If you dont' start walking her more I am going to have to think of alternative arrangements. It's obvious you don't want her". I simply replied "OK". I know I could have validated "I know how you feel ..." but the end of that sentence would go along the lines of "but it is tough to fit in walking [our dog] with 12 hours of work" and it would just have escalated. In any case, I have learned to identify when he is just having a moan and to not get defensive. Just let him carry on and not feed the fire.
The other is to do with D12. She has been suffering with a migraine and tiredness all week and has been away from school since Monday. Monday morning he came round to take them to school. I mentioned that D12 had a migraine and was looking a little under the weather and D9 had been complaining of a tummy ache. He looked at me, said "I don't need this, I am going to wait in the car. You're supposed to have them ready when I get here". I was a little taken a back and told him they were ready, I just thought he'd want to know his children were unwell. He looked shocked, and then went upstairs to see to D12. I let D12 stay home Tuesday and Wednesday. Today, they are both home and he is watching them until I return at lunch time (I am doing a half day). I did suggest on Tuesday morning asking his mum if she minded coming round for a bit but he said not to as his mum would only moan at him about my leaving D12 on her own and then moan at him about being 'obliged' to come visit. This one is weird. Normally, he would have loved having that conversation with his mum. Not because it was moaning about me, but because he and his mum are very similar. They love to judge and criticize other people but not say it to their faces. It kind of suggests he doesn't want to hear her moaning about me. It's either his bored with moaning about me to her or he is starting to see things from my side. I do not think this is the road to R but it does suggest less resentment.
Gosh he sounds hard work. I think you're handling it very well. His children and the house and the responsibility for the dog can be shared, and it sounds like you are doing everything it is possible for you to do. He can moan and criticise, or he can take the dog, or he can hire a dog walker, or he can do something else that suits him. It sounds like you have a lot on your plate and you are doing your best. It isn't realistic to expect a family life to carry on totally as normal when one of the adults is not there.
I don't like the idea of him checking up on you - asking how often the dog had been walked. It feels like a very parent-child interaction, him wanting to know if you'd done your chores. But perhaps it wasn't like that, and I'm just reading that into it as I know that dynamic so well from my own interactions. In any case, I think you handled it assertively.
