I think you were showing him kindness - it was about him, and you thinking about what he might need or want - it wasn't about getting your own needs met. I think it was the right thing to do, despite how difficult and mean he can be. We don't have to be 'good' to deserve compassion in difficult times.
He is your FIL too, and the girls' grandad. I hope you are able to take some care for yourself.
Thanks guys. I don't think it was pursuit either. But these waters are hard to navigate ... and it is difficult when you are in the middle of it to know what the right thing to do is.
Yail - I think DB DB DB gets drummed into us here because we need it to protect us whilst heal. So we GAL, we 180 and we detach. Detachment was always a difficult one for me - too detached and it's rude, not detached enough and it becomes pursuit. At times, I probably wavered on the rude side. I am trying to be lovingly detached, but sometimes, when the 'lovingly' part is not reciprocated, it feels like doormat. That isn't because I think I can win him back with kindness, but every now and then, it feels like my kindness is taken advantage of. Expectations. Not of R, but that he is capable of kindness back.
Journaling
Easter weekend is nearly done. A have ended up having the children most of the weekend because my H has been visiting his dad. I have not minded having the children. But, as I noted above, I do feel a little taken advantage off. He went out last night when he could have had the girls.
We had an Easter egg hunt here with some of D9's friends Friday which was awesome. The other parents and I sat in the garden (first properly warm day of the year) and watched the children excitedly hunting for eggs. D12 was in her element because she was 'in charge'. After the hunt we had afternoon tea for the kids, and again D12 was in charge. I didn't have to do much other than put the food out.
Saturday, the girls and I went into town to have lunch and do some shopping. It was H's day to have the girls and I agreed to watch them as he wanted to go to the hospital to visit his dad. In any case, he came around in the evening to watch them as I had made plans to go to dinner with a girlfriend. I offered to cancel my plans, but he said it was fine. He was feeding them at the house, and the girls said they'd rather sleep at home. H watched them until I got back.
Sunday, I had his brother's girlfriend and her daughter around for Easter lunch. We sat in the garden most of the day watching the kids play. His brother came back after visiting his dad and we all just hung out. It was actually pretty cool. Not sure where H was, but no matter.
I have the girls again today. Not much planned. Tidying the house, helping D12 with her homework (she starts school tomorrow) and just hanging out. D9 and I are about to watch a movie and D12 is still sleeping .
On another note, I have booked a holiday to Greece for the girls and I in the summer, and also a week for me in Croatia when H takes the girls away for a week. The Greece holiday is an all inclusive resort thing (kids don't want to go sight seeing) and the Croatia trip is white water rafting and cave diving. Not quite bucket list, but it should be fun.
Those sound like amazing holidays FS! I get you on the detachment versus coldness. Maybe as distancers both of us need to lean towards being warmer rather than colder? You sound detached in terms of not thinking that much about your H and I don’t think that being kind is something you should ever regret if it’s true kindness and not manipulation or done in expectation of something in return. Maybe thinking whether the behaviour is something you’d do for a good friend is a good benchmark for all of us in this?
I am trying to be lovingly detached, but sometimes, when the 'lovingly' part is not reciprocated, it feels like doormat. That isn't because I think I can win him back with kindness, but every now and then, it feels like my kindness is taken advantage of. Expectations. Not of R, but that he is capable of kindness back.
This puts into to words very clearly how I was feeling when H was here during his illness being waited on hand and foot. I wanted to be kind. I wanted to support him. I wanted to show him compassion. He is going through a terrible time and much of it isn't of his own making. In my heart of hearts yes, there probably was some expectation and pursuit in there. I of course have missed him and wanted him in the house and it was good to show him my changes and I was hoping he noticed them. He'll have picked up on my caring not being entirely altruistic, of course.
But at the same time, he was receiving care from me, and it was obviously hard for him to even summon up civility in return at some points, that that does make me feel taken advantage of - even though the kindness was something I offered and that he didn't really ask for.
It is a tangle. I think you're doing it just right, FS. How is your FIL today?
FIL is still under sedation. I don't know much as H has not really spoken about it. I don't know if this is because he is processing, or he doesn't want to show me any weakness. From what I can gather there is blood entering his lungs so they have a tube which periodically clears it out and his heart is still too weak so they have to try and limit the work it normally does. They did wake him briefly but he went into a panic and started trying to pull the tube out of his throat. When he is stronger, they will probably have to do a heart bypass and it is unlikely he will ever have the strength he once had (I got the last part from FIL's best friend who is also our builder).
I just re-read my last journal entry and Alison and Dilly's responses and realised I was not completely honest in my writing. I was annoyed H went out Sunday night and it was more than because he could have come to see the girls. When he said he was going out, a big red angry neon sign appeared in my head that said "he is going out with her". I don't actually know if that is true, but he didn't want me to know - it was only after someone suggested he car share with his brother to the hospital that he had to mention it, and he looked away when he said it, then his eyes darted to my face. All I could think was you're still manipulating me.
Thing is I don't know if he went on a date or not. It could be he went out with a buddy who was a catalyst in the separation in the first place. EA aren't always with someone of the opposite sex. It can be someone who listens and validates and over the years feeds their resentment "ball and chain", and "she's such a [censored]", "she's out of line", "let's have another drink - F her".
Later, perhaps in retaliation, I booked the holidays and sent him very matter of fact texts "FYI - I am taking the girls from XX to XX" and then "Also, I am going away the week you have the girls. I will sort out dog sitting for [the dog]". There was some tooing and frooing about the dog sitter (he wants his mum to look after her, but I had already booked the sitter by then). Later that evening he did not call as he normally does (too busy being out).
I have withdrawn again. Two steps forward, one step back. This lovingly detached is hard.
You're allowed to be human, FS. You weren't cruel to your H and you were as kind as you could be in that moment. And he is your FIL too and whether they are at the surface or not, you're going to have your own feelings at a time like this and they matter too.
I have withdrawn again. Two steps forward, one step back. This lovingly detached is hard.
FS, it is hard, for sure. I'm sure that it is doubly so when dealing with a stressful situation like the health of your FIL. You taking care of yourself and your kids is the right way to go. The vacation plans sound amazing. Focus on yourself and on them and you can't go wrong.
hugs,
W 34 Me 42 Married 7 years together 8 0 kids 1 beloved dog BD 4/6/2018 I moved out 4/7/2018 I moved back in alone 8/05/2018 I file 3/06/2019 D official 5/7/2019
Sorry about the possible date. If I have learned anything from my experiences, it is that our Hs will hide anything they think is going to be disapproved of and that you should trust your gut. I also found that my STBXH would volunteer information when he was doing something I wouldn’t be upset about. i.e. “I am going to Vancouver to rehearse with my band” but leave out that his gf is going with him. But you are right...it isn’t necessarily a woman. It’s tough, I know FS, but you are handling it like a champ as per usual. The vacation plans sound fantastic!! My sister has been campaigning for me to go to Croatia for awhile now. I will likely visit there at some point over the next few years. You’ll have to let us know how it is. My sister loves it there...relaxed atmosphere, friendly people, low cost. Hope your FIL feels better soon. (((HUGS)))
Alison - I know. But in my heart I know it wasn't truly altruistic. I didn't expect him to jump into my arms praising my kindness and compassion. But I didn't expect him to throw it in my face and go out. I think I am also upset that instead of opening up about his grief to me, he may have opened up to someone else - not sure if it matters if it was a date or a mate. It is that he would share that with someone else. But, rationally, I know that he would probably not share his grief with anyone - in all our time together I only saw him cry once (apart from a couple of times between BD and MO).
DV- always good to hear from you. I don't know if he is hiding anything of any significance - just that it would be something that would likely upset me (maybe a night out with his mates, or with his useless buddy, or on a date). What I don't understand is why he still feels the need to keep things from me. If we are done (as he said we were) then what's the point.
BTW - I am thoroughly enjoying living vicariously through you . I met someone the other day - fully of warmth, compassion and depth. Twice divorced but with an unbelievable passion for life. She too is a counselor. We clicked immediately. We talked for a bit and I told her my sitch. She said I needed patience and strength to get through this but that I would get through it. I imagine that she is what you would be like if we were to ever meet IRL.
Davide - I am enjoying your adventures too. I find you both inspirational. From what you were to what you are. I am sorry the D process is getting you down. But you will ride it out. I know you will. In the same way that I know you will open your heart when a woman comes along who deserves it. Very definition of amoafwl. Even I think my vacation plans are amazing and also a little bit scary. Here's to facing my fears.
[quote = FlySolo]What I don't understand is why he still feels the need to keep things from me. If we are done (as he said we were) then what's the point[/quote]
Good thought and very insightful FS. I think you're correct in this, and it must make it hard to see the limbo in actions like this.
I know you feel like you took a step back, but I hope you enjoy the next two steps forward. They're coming, whatever they may be.
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