BD Octo 2017, MO Mar 2018. Currently still in limbo.
I suspect the BD started 6 - 9 months before the actual day. He had for some time been distant, angry, working more, watching TV until very late at night and generally checking out of family life. Spent a lot of months pre BD walking on egg shells, being constantly worried about what he would get angry about, and making myself more and more silent (I am a distancer). There was some typical MLC behavior (new car, hair plugs, teeth whitened, spending hours at the gym, going on 'lad's holidays) but suspect it was largely depression.
BD was precipitated by me. I asked him what was wrong. He seemed genuinely surprised, said he didn't know I was so unhappy and seemed keener than I to work on our relationship. The following month I worked really hard on our relationship (pursuit) and he pulled back. Lots of "It's too late", "We can't change" and general pulling away. I felt rejected and tried harder. He pulled back more. We tried MC but this just gave him a forum to complain about everything I had done going back years. He said he felt like he needed to say something to justify how he felt so he was looking for reasons. During this period he checked out more and more. He got more and more angry. He would go for days without speaking to me and barely acknowledging the girls. He acknowledged many times he still loved me (at my insistence) and that he did not know what was wrong. There was no OW.
After he MO he focused on the children. He became (and remains) the ideal dad. He loves our kids. He loves our dog. He loves our home. He keeps me at arms length. He tried dating but I don't think it went anywhere. I don't know this for sure, but he is a pilot so away about 3 nights per week and then sees the kids the other three nights. He has at most, one night a week free. On these nights he makes a thing of telling me he is going to the gym, or going to football or going to watch a boxset. He does go out a couple of nights a month but he also makes a big deal of telling me who he is going with (always mates).
I can see that he is working on his temper. He has, in the months leading to BD and until recently, had very little patience with me. If anything went wrong, he would be quick to say that it was my fault. If I said something was black he would say it was blue. If something went missing, I had moved it. He became more critical and I became more defensive. I can see him trying to hold back the criticism (it is still there, just not articulated). I am trying not to let his comments feel like attacks.
I am doing OK. Mostly calm. Occasionally I feel down - this has been a long process full of uncertainty and doubt. It can also be lonely. I am trying not to be led by my emotions or (more importantly) his emotions and behaviour. I lost a lot of weight post BD and it is now starting to come back (in a healthy way). Since BD I have changed jobs, negotiated two pay rises, made a lot of good friends and am rediscovering long lost aspects of my personality. I have been on two holidays on my own (Casablanca and Chamonix) and two long weekends away. I have taken the girls away on my own (one holiday and two long weekends). I have spent a few nights dancing the night away. I think I have gained a lot of empathy for other people - I feel their pain because I have been there. I am more compassionate and forgiving. I notice and appreciate the positive things in my life - you don't notice because you're too busy living life. I notice sunsets, the smell of different foods, trees, birds singing, the cold air on my face. I have gotten closer to my girls and know in my heart that they will be fine because they have two parents who love them very very much.
Oh FS, there was so much there that I related to, so so much. Particularly the part about empathy, you see pain everywhere once you have suffered so much. And the noticing thing I have done for a long time, but it becomes particularly important now I think.
I'm crying now. So much heartbreak, so many wasted years when your love goes unreciprocated. So much sorrow for so little purpose. Such a waste. Sorry, I've had a bad week. You sound like you're in a good place. I'm glad. You have been unbelievably patient. I'm not sure I'm willing to wait as long as you have.
Thank you. I hear the pain in your words. Your desire to understand your H. But sometimes, this process is not about them, it is about us. I also read the words of an intelligent, compassion and kind woman. You have the strength to get through this. You might not R, but from the short time you've been here, I know you are going to be OK. You just need to remember who you are.
I read somewhere that you need to learn to be alone because then you will never be lonely. This is a lesson hard learned. But it has been learned.
It has been a very long process. I did not think at the start that I would still be standing over a year in. I gave myself lots of deadlines, lots of lines in the sand. Six months, if he starts dating, if he goes on this holiday. But in reality, it is not a choice. I stand because I feel deep inside there is still hope for us. I think it was DnJ on DV's thread who said that there is a difference between moving on and moving forward. I have not moved on but I am moving forward. I honestly think that moving on will be organic for me. It wont' be precipitated by a particular length in time, a formal separation or a D. It won't be precipitated by a discovery of him having an affair. It will just happen.
Hi FS I check in on you from time to time, and your last post inspired me to stop by for a "chat". In my sitch, I'm closing in on 6 months S, but in reality we were just floating along as roommates since 1/2018. Still Standing, although I've tipped over a few times.
Originally Posted by FlySolo
I read somewhere that you need to learn to be alone because then you will never be lonely. This is a lesson hard learned. But it has been learned.
This is so true. I've always been comfortable in my own skin, and I can honesty say I have rarely felt lonely since H moved out. Not to say I don't feel sorry for myself in the quiet of the evening, and miss Hs companionship, but not lonely. I told someone once that you can be lonely with someone around all time. That's how I felt prior to H moving out. Lonely with him. My life is full, because I choose it to be that way. I am pro-active.
Originally Posted by FlySolo
It has been a very long process. I did not think at the start that I would still be standing over a year in. I gave myself lots of deadlines, lots of lines in the sand. Six months, if he starts dating, if he goes on this holiday. But in reality, it is not a choice. I stand because I feel deep inside there is still hope for us. I think it was DnJ on DV's thread who said that there is a difference between moving on and moving forward. I have not moved on but I am moving forward. I honestly think that moving on will be organic for me. It wont' be precipitated by a particular length in time, a formal separation or a D. It won't be precipitated by a discovery of him having an affair. It will just happen.
This is spot on. After much emotional turmoil over a few events discovered over the past 1 1/2 months, this is something I've come to realize for myself too. My faith tells me that no matter how broken a person is, Grace, redemption, and a happy life is possible. I found it for myself. I can see the full life I plan to lead from now on. I hope H comes along for the ride someday. I will let life just happen, and see it it leads me to a happy life with, or without H.
Long time no hear. It is nice to hear from a familiar voice and so nice to see how much more settled and happy you are. I remember those that started here round the same time as me (you, Harvey, Burned, DV, Yorkie to name a few) and although sitchs have taken different trajectories, we all, I think are doing OK. We all came here looking for answers but instead found us. In any case, I check in on you too, just the other day, whilst responding on AlisonUKs thread re GALg I remember when you had joined a walking group.
I get what you mean re lonely with them. In the months leading to BD it was always just me and the girls. He was either working or out with his friends. When he was here he wasn't really here. This was partly my doing - I resented him being away + he was so moody when he was here, that I retaliated by making him uncomfortable when he was here. I knew I was doing it too. Which doesn't cast me in a very good light, but part of this journey is facing up to our faults. In any case I am rarely lonely. I like my own space. It was tough when he took the kids away on holidays (too much space, too much time to spend thinking about our family holidays together) but for the most part, I like being home on my own.
In my darker moments I wonder if the standing thing is stupid pride or, even worse, fear of being rejected by someone else, and tbh it is probably partly these things. But, it is also partly because I know I still love him and I know that he still loves me.
But today is not one of those darker moments. I had a good day at work, flirted a little with the boy (good for the ego) and came home early so I could take D12 to buy a new jacket and then took both girls out to dinner. We had a nice meal together, came home and they did homework whilst I updated my thread. H called when I was about to get in the shower and I ignored it and let one of the girls answer it downstairs. He is not calling to talk to me and the girls are capable of answering the phone themselves. Note: there is no anger behind that last sentence. When I came downstairs D12, in a very conspiratorial voice said "Daddy's angry with you because you didn't take D9 to her tutor group". I smiled back and said "I am sure he'll be OK". D9 then said something about daddy being really angry and that it was a waste of money (he pays for the tutor group) and I smiled and laughingly said "It will be OK - I'll just tell him I forgot". I can't change what's happened, I can't control his reaction, so there is no point getting anxious or worried about it.
Hey FS. It’s been awhile. You sound like you are definitely moving forward. I know I’ve said this countless times but I do think that you are right to still have hope for you and your H. I think you should always be true to yourself and if standing is where you are at, good for you for doing it. I, too, have a lot of hope for you and your marriage and I really, really hope that you are one of the people on here who does get a second chance. Thank you for all of your support and your guidance. There are many of us on here who have benefitted greatly from having you in our corner. Sending you long distance (((HUGS))) and lots of love!!!
Dropping by to say hi and catching up with what you've been up to. You ARE doing OK, great even!
I came across something on pinterest, don't ask me how I found it or why... but it said People think that being alone makes you lonely, but I don't think that's true. Being surrounded by the wrong people is the loneliest feeling in the world.
You have the fortitude to persevere.
Kinda funny that you said H was working on his temper and then he's an angry bird because you didn't take D9.
H 49 , W 47 T 23, M 17 S11, S5 BD: 7/18 IHS: 7/18 - 3/19 Physically Separated: 3/19-4/19 Piecing: 4/19 - Current
It's good to hear from you again FS. I always appreciate your comments on mine and other's threads. And it's good that you're in such a calm and steady place - and it's sad, I think, that your H, despite wanting to work on his temper and improve his parenting, is still drawing your daughter into an attempt at conflict with you. If he was worried about the tutoring, he could have asked you directly about it, or sent a message if you weren't able to come to the phone. I worry about her conspiratorial tone - as if he was trying to triangulate with you. It isn't good and I think you handled it very well - just calm and matter of fact and leaving his feelings for him to deal with. I am really really really bad at that myself - when H is angry (and he is, often, over real and imagined slights) my wheels totally come off. I want to be in the place that you are - both for my own benefit, and because I think if we are to have a chance a piecing I will need to learn to respond to his anger in an adult way, and he's going to need the space to process his own anger healthily without me leaping in to placate him or defend myself. I'm nowhere near that yet but it is good to see what it might look like from your situation.
I can also really connect with what you say about feeling lonely. I don't mind my own company and my work requires a lot of solo concentration time. I am also working on GAL with my friends and spending good healthy fun time with my children. I'm seeing the benefits there and the knock on effect is that I am learning to enjoy my solo not working time too - taking the time to calm myself and reflect on what I want. I appreciate that. I do feel lonely in that there are some big things happening for me at work, and while I have support from friends and colleagues, it is hard to be around H when he's so uninterested in what is going on with me. Not just R stuff, but general life stuff. Sometimes he is warm and even affectionate, but he just doesn't have the room to be engaged and interested with anyone except himself. It's easier, actually, to be alone rather than to live with someone who I am invisible to - and it gives me the chance to become more visible to myself - if that makes sense.
I am standing at the moment - I think I would R with him if he was in a place where he could consistently and sincerely offer that - and I know he is not at the moment, though I think he would like to be and if I believe what he says, he plans to get himself into that place in a couple of month's time. I don't bank on that, and I don't bank on still wanting to be available to him when or if that happens. He knows that. So I guess we'll see. And yes - I think as for you, with me it will happen naturally. I am moving forward and leaving a space for him. If that space gradually closes up around his absence, I think it will happen naturally and it will be sad but it will be healthy too.
Thanks for putting into words so much of what I've been thinking about these last couple of weeks. It's great to hear fro you. I'm glad you're not in a dark place. I guess we will all be in those dark places again but journalling as we do here helps us remember that they pass.
