Rollin' with the punches

[Ginger1]

Previous Thread:

change is good

And that's what I do. Keep rollin' with the punches. And I keep getting punched. IN the boob.

I am probably not going to stop with the lame boob jokes.

I thank you all for your input. I am just kind of baffled right now. And angry, quite honestly.

Sunday night he told me he loved me. We really did have a good time and we were like a natural family. We had no incident or anything that happened that would questions anything. We had fun on the water slides. His son wanted to race me around the lazy river, we played laser tag, we had fun tubing and snowball fighting. Playing in the arcade. Enjoyed some meals together. It was all good. I was happy. His son was happy, D11 was happy. I guess not him?

I am having such a bad week. The surgery. The money. His reaction Work has been unreal with an unmanageable patient load and I have been working 9-10 hour days for no extra money. And then he completely just distances himself. At a time I need him, he backs off. And that really upsets me. I think he is being selfish. Which is usually not him. But I guess he just freaked out. DO I have a right to be angry? I don't know. I don't know anything anymore. I just know that when things get real with guys they have always freaked and ran on me. Must be me, But I swear, I didn't do anything.

I played by the rules this time. Not a single R talk, no pressure, waited until her was ready to introduce kids. I let him call the shots and it was carefully and 6 months in. I don't ask for anything emotionally. What more or little can I do? I treat him very good, I have been more than patient and understanding with the stuff with his ex, always there for him. And he always told me how much it meant to him. He told me how lucky felt to have me and he is always excited to see me.

I don't get it. To play hide and go seek when I need him the most hurts. I want to say something about it. Should I? Shouldn't I? Should I always just let the other person drive the ship? Is it ok for me to express my needs? Are my needs unreasonable at this point?

I don't know anymore. The sudden distance from a nice comfortable love hurts. I was finally trusting again. I was feeling a little secure. Stupid me.

HIs son is 5. He fought so hard for him. He shared everything with me. I get it. But he needs to think of me and my daughter too. We are just as important in this. and he is kind of acting like we aren't.

I don't know what to do.

[Zues126]

Very sorry you're so down this week.

My guess is that M is perceiving this very different.

From your viewpoint he is pulling away, not there for you, not committing, withdrawing, this is a test of the relationship and possibly a sign that everything is falling apart.

For him I'm guessing none of this is going on, he had a great weekend with you and has now been taking some time on his own for a couple of days for whatever reason. I would bet he's shocked that this is all going on in your mind right now.

I'd recommend you find a calm and stable place before deciding what to discuss with him. See how things play out. See what he volunteers without you any type of questioning. See how he interacts with you over the next couple of weeks.

Yes, in a relationship you can express your desires. But I think you'll be more productive if you are less escalated when you have those conversations. And it might be that things play out where you don't even need to have a conversation, things might just work themselves out. You wonder why things start to go south for you, I'll bet they don't as long as you don't hit the panic button.

[kml]

From your viewpoint he is pulling away, not there for you, not committing, withdrawing, this is a test of the relationship and possibly a sign that everything is falling apart.

For him I'm guessing none of this is going on, he had a great weekend with you and has now been taking some time on his own for a couple of days for whatever reason. I would bet he's shocked that this is all going on in your mind right now.

DING DING DING! I think Zues hit the nail on the head here.

All the other stressors - work, money, boob - are making you see the worst in everything right now. Step back and calm down.
(Also, on the boob thing, did you ask your plastic surgeon about financing plans? Many of them have them although I don't know what the interest rates are like.)

[AndrewP]

As a guy I endorse this message. It may sound like a joke but yes - we can be pretty oblivious to the undercurrents.

You're going to have to trust us old folks who have had longer experiences in long term relationships on this one. You full well know how lousy I was at mind reading even a woman who I spent more than half of my life with.

((Ginger))

[Ginger1]

Zues, KML, A, you guys are right.

My stressors are causing me to feel worse about this and view it as something awful. He admits to acting weird and this is where he told me why. I believe he did need to step back and assess. And maybe the timing felt totally off with everything else I have going on. I’m viewing this as the worst possible situation and he’s viewing it as a bump in the road he needs to assess.

We chatted for a bit last night, we both had a really long work days. We chit chatted a bit I did tell him the surgery date and I told
Him I got it covered, it’s our kid weekends and D11 will take care of me( and she will. It’s not a bad surgery, I recovered pretty quick when I was 22 anyways, just lifting things and raising your arms hurt ) really, she just has to take care of the dog. I did tell him his love and support is always wecoled and he said “you will definitely have that from me” I also told him I’ve cream was welcomed and he asked me favorite flavor.

I was a zombie and fell asleep really early on the couch. I woke up to a text “I’m going to bed. I love you”

I will have patience in all of this. Like I told my friend, I can have patience as long as I know he doesn’t plan to just drop me on my butt.

I did give me some reassurance to see the “I love you” last night. There will be no R talks initiated by me. But I think we need to talk about feelings and issues as they come up.

As far as my boobs go. Good news is I’m breaking even on my taxes and can use my 5k. My dad will help and I can look into care credit, but I only have a year to pay them back and I can’t do that. I also have to chooses between both options really soon.

I am also going to work hard to find a second job I can work from home. I need all the extra money I can get. For mybhouse, the wedding, and to pay off my boobs.

Tonight I have an annual event which is a fundraiser for the charity my BFF and her H are in. I haven’t seen my friends in so long, I can’t wait to get together to eat, drink, and be merry!

[job]

Ginger,

You have been given a lot of sage advice about your situation. You've heard the old saying "when it rains, it pours"? Well, that is what is happening right now in your life. You have gotten so much hitting you at the same time that your frustration, anxiety, etc. are in over load.

Your relationship w/M has been going so well that you naturally "assumed" that his reaction would be so different from what he exhibited. The man needed time to think things over and reflect on what happened w/his xw and just how different your upcoming surgery will be. He probably doesn't know what to say or how to be there for you right now. At some point, you will have a discussion w/him about issues and feelings.

If he wants to help you in any way, let him. Your daughter will be there to help you, but it's always nice to have someone else pamper you a bit as well. Do not be afraid to ask him for help if you really need it.

Just my two cents.

[kml]

I am also going to work hard to find a second job I can work from home

Two jobs and single mom sounds super stressful. Thinking of extra things - have you considered evening babysitting in your home? You mist know nurses who work evenings and need sitters? Someone who drops their kid off at your home? Might be easier and less stressful, just thinking of options.

Also - there is almost always room to tighten a budget. Check out Mr. Money Mustache's blog and consider posting a case study in the Ask a Mustachian segment of the forum. You might be surprised how much money you could save on your monthly budget.

[Ginger1]

I’m having a stupid relationship anxiety attack today. I don’t know why I have such a bad gut feeling. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. He told me the other night he loved me, he initiated it. I fell asleep so I didn’t say it back. We had some chit chat yesterday. Talking about our weekends. He asked me if I still had D11 this weekend because her dad is away. I told him yes. I invited him to volunteer with us but he declined. I told him we were going on a hike Sunday with the dog and he said he would like to join. Our first just us night will be next Wednesday and that will be 2 and a half weeks since we had an adult date, a real hug even. Maybe that’s causing my anxiety? Coupled with his questioning after the trip, when I felt so happy things went so well. I guess I’m racking my brains trying to figure out what exactly made him a little scared. Does he think I’m a bad mom mother figure ( which I am not) I really don’t know.

My insecurities are through the roof right now. And when I get this feeling, guys usually break up with me.

But he seemed so in. And perhaps he still is and we’ve hit a bump in the road and with a little one on one time and communication, maybe we will reconnect. I said to him today that missed his hugs and kisses and he just didn’t even acknowledge that. Probably because I sound pathetic. So I’ll change it up and just back off. He’s going out with his friend tonight and I won’t hear from him. Maybe it’s good.

Things were just so different before this trip. I wish I knew what happened. But I’m hoping maybe we just need a little one on one reconnection.

I really despise this feeling. I’m hoping that if I change up how I deal with this, maybe the outcome will change and this one is really in it, even with some bumps in the road.

Is this normal to have a period like this? Do people recover from it? I wouldn’t know, I never recovered from a period like this. It just always ended. I’ve also not gotten this far in a relationship . I just hope he isn’t one to go when the going gets tough .

[TBSakaJ9]

G - Are you the first person he has seriously dated since his Divorce?

[Ginger1]

Yup. He’s dated but I’m the first serious one. First one who has ever met his son.

[TBSakaJ9]

How long has his D been final?

[Ginger1]

The D has been final for a bit over a year. It was a initiated much before that, but there were lots of issues, biggest being custody. His son is his life as my daughter is mine. But he may have just realized how real it does get when you involve kids. His son kept talking about my daughter after, asking to come over on his dads nights. Maybe he realized that if his son gets attached and this doesn’t work out it would detrimental to him?

I’m just speculating now. He did ask that we just go slow which he said I’ve been amazing with so far.

Even if we move much slower with the kids, I really don’t want to move backwards . That I’m not ok with.

But he is hanging out with me and my daughter on Sunday. So I don’t think he wants to end anything. I think he’s just scared.

[Zues126]

I think he’s just scared.

Or protective and deliberate.

[TBSakaJ9]

Sounds like it to me...I can related to being scared. I would just give him space and allow him to come to you.

[Zues126]

Can't edit. I guess I'm just trying to say that he might be feeling nothing but positive feelings and just wisely making sure he doesn't rush things, particularly with his kid. He told you as much. None of that necessarily means fear or negative emotions. It could even be the opposite, he feels like running away and getting married so is trying to keep himself from losing control out of love for you.

Keep calm and do what comes next!

[Ginger1]

I think he might be a little bit of everything

Zues, he is definitely protective and deliberate. Which I respect. Maybe he enjoyed it too and feelings were kind of strong and he wants to slow this down and make sure he isn’t acting hastily. I really do appreciate and hope your positive version is true.

Part of me is freaking because I also brought my daughter into this. And she really likes him and his son. And I do think he takes into account the fact about how I feel regarding that and wouldn’t be spending time with my daughter this weekend.

I need to do something different this time. I need to majorly back off and not show my insecurity and let him come to me. I’m going to give him the space. Maybe I need some mental space too. I care deeply for him. It’s tough.

In the meantime, I took a loan out against my 401k and my surgery set and I opted for the more expensive option but one that will be worth it in the long run.

I think I’m a bit vulnerable right now too. Sensitivities are running high.

I need rest.

[TBSakaJ9]

G - Are you the first person he has been sexual with since his D?

[Ginger1]

I don’t think I am. I never asked. But that department is very healthy. Not an ounce of performance anxiety, we are very compatible in that department and it’s defibitely very connected. It’s also been over 2 weeks since, lol. He’s also a big post-coital and sleeping cuddler. He will randomly kiss me in the middle of the night, spoon and hold my hand.

Away from the kids he is very physically affectionate and has no problem with PDA He is a hand holder, higher and kisser. Just as I am. He snuck a few touches in when we were away and 2 kisses.

[Zues126]

Zues, he is definitely protective and deliberate. Which I respect. Maybe he enjoyed it too and feelings were kind of strong and he wants to slow this down and make sure he isn’t acting hastily. I really do appreciate and hope your positive version is true.

Part of me is freaking because I also brought my daughter into this. And she really likes him and his son. And I do think he takes into account the fact about how I feel regarding that and wouldn’t be spending time with my daughter this weekend.

Right on. The more I think of it the more positive I think it is. If he was rushing forward and love bombing you it would almost be scarier, wondering if it was going to real and if he was going to panic and just vanish one day. At least here you know that he is genuine and taking this very seriously.

Hang in!

[TBSakaJ9]

I just ask because this all just may be very new to him. First serious R post D, first maybe??? sexual partner after D. It can be a lot to process.

The DR is not my first sexual but obviously my first serious and even though she is an amazing person and I am very lucky it scares the $hit out of me.

[AndrewP]

The DR is not my first sexual but obviously my first serious and even though she is an amazing person and I am very lucky it scares the $hit out of me.

Yeah - I alternate between being thrilled and feeling comfortable and then feeling like I'm in waay over my head - which is this afternoon's mood.

[TBSakaJ9]

A - I am right there with you dude.

[Ginger1]

Well, we’ve been getting it on for 6 months now, every time pretty darn great not feeling any nervousness from him. The last time we actually moved the bed half way across the room... (way too much tmi) but in all seriousness. I don’t think he would be scared after 6 months ?

I have been thinking about how he might be scared to touch my boobs after surgery. And how we are going to have to take it easy for a while. Who wants this 6 months in?

I think this is all a big test of our R. I hope we get through it

[Fogg]

Ginger.........S. L. O. W. D. O. W. N. Take a deep breath...

You can speculate on what hes thinking but only he knows, so stop it! Just let things be for a bit and see how it all plays out, you're overthinking this so much and taking every single thing hes doing as a sign of the end.

You have so much fear over this not working your hyper engaged in mind reading and watching is every step to point of making yourself miserable. I'm not even going to take a guess at what hes doing/thinking. Everyone else has given great examples and perspectives, I'll just say to stop worrying about it as its doing you no good. Have you ever heard of fear setting? Theres a good TED talk on it and it really helps lower anxiety with situations

[JujuB]

Ginger - I think the best thing to do in a situation like this is to act as if. Just act as if nothing is wrong. Stay positive. Positivity begets positivity. You are happy with the relationship. You have nothing to bring up. If he does, he will and you can go from there.

I notice, you focus a lot on what your partner is thinking about you. And how he feels about the relationship and whether he’s gonna want to stay in the relationship. I never hear you complain or get upset with a partner over things (other then that guy that was out of shape) until later after the relationship is done. I never really hear you question whether you want to be with them. I just wonder if you are seeing yourself as worthy of them. You obviously are. It’s just I’m wondering if you view things like that.

[Ginger1]

Juju and fogg, you are both 100% right.

I have mindread every possible situation. I can’t believe how much my relationship anxiety is. I’ve been burned one too many times and I get a “holy crap, not again! Feeling” I need to stop.

Juju. My BFF said the exact same thing to me. Like I don’t even worry about my feelings in an R. I am always worried about what my partner is thinking about me. You are right. I’m more messed up than I thought I was from divorce.
I don’t like right now how he seems to be thinking a little too much about himself in a situation that is affecting me physically and mentally and how I feel I need to downplay it. Because I just worry about how I make others feel. Very unhealthy. I worry about if I’m good enough when I should be looking at if they are worthy of me.

I will tell you this. If he gets through all of this stuff going on and steps up a little as a boyfriend when I’m going through stuff and doesn’t back away, then he is worthy of me. Of me and D11. If he doesn’t, it has nothing to do with me. I have to remind myself of that.

I was thinking about how my self care has gone down the tubes. I look like poop and I feel like poop. I worry too much about others and I give much more love and slack to others than I do to myself and that’s not healthy.

I was supposed to go back to the gym next month, but I can’t now. But I’m cleaning up my eating. I’m going to take up more hobbies for myself that I enjoy and relax me. The nice weather is coming and I want to plant my own herbs. I got a nice area to do that.

If this doesn’t work, I’m taking a good solid year off to work on me. Physically and mentally. Not think about men and romantic relationships . And if and when I do date again, I have learned kids won’t be involved until there is a solid commitment. Too much at stake.

But I am happy in this relationship. I was so happy with how this weekend went. It made me feel really good. I questioned everything when it didn’t seem to make him feel that way. But that’s on him. I thought it was a great weekend, my daughter did and so did his son.

More positivity less negativity. More focus on me and less worrying about everyone else

[DonH]

Wow, it sure seems like things are getting blown wait out for something that really has not happened yet. Am I reading all of this wrong? Or am I missing something? What EXACTLY has M done that is a problem Ginger? From what I've read he was perhaps a bit distant, but I guess I'm not even sure how-so. He told you he loved you. He said he'd be there. What is it exactly that he's doing - or not doing?

It really just sounds like it's a "feeling" you are getting. Sadly, that can go two ways. Sometimes people, and I'm often one of them, can sense things like this and am correct about them. Other times I'm way off. It's also about a whole lot of mind reading. I mean you are already off onto not dating again for a year - something, by the way, you said multiple times after the last three or four breakups. So I take that with a grain of salt. And not, getting kids involved too soon. Um, are we going back there again? But to that point, not having the four of you together very often in the next month or two is not "taking a step backwards".

The thing is, the worst thing you can do if you do think he is pulling away is to grab on tighter. That is the worst and will make what you fear is going to happen - happen. Don't do that. On paper, I can totally see, putting myself in his shoes, why he might be scared. It's getting more real. It's his first real R after only a short time D'd. I've been there - but we are talking about me - and you know I'm not looking for this huge, blend families, get married in a few years R. But perhaps he's not either? This is what a lot of guys fear or at least joke about - "the talk." - the dreaded "where do you see this going" talk. Guys hate it - at least most of us do. Take that fear away and I'm fine, so is Joseph (I refuse to call him the Big Smooth LOL) and even perhaps M.

What JuJu and your friend said is HUGE. I've also noticed it. I can get why you or others may not want to spill out all of the details of what is going on here. But I've very much noticed before that you leave the bad parts out and only talk about the good stuff. I'm not even sure if you know you are doing it. Like the trumpet player that would not have sex with you - which you didn't tell us until after you guys broke up. It does seem like you are working so hard to have the guy want you that what you need or want or like goes out the window. It's like it's enough that he wants you - but see, it's not. It's a difficult balance - especially at six months in. You don't want to demand too much too soon but then you also don't want to get to two years and find there is no way he ever wants to blend families or move in together or get married - if that's what you want to do. Those I guess are things that people need to discuss early on - just in the abstract.

For now, however, I guess you need to try as hard as you can to relax. List out the CONCRETE things that he has said or done. Something tells me they are not there and if that is the case, then it's all or mostly mind-reading. It's based in your past - I so totally get that - but it's still mind reading. You have got to somehow put on the hat that says "I'd rather have M in my life, but things are going to be great either way whether he is or not." I know you probably thinks that, but you're not acting it. Acting it will also make a change in him. It's not attractive to do what you're doing and I know I've said it before that even if you don't think you are putting those vibes out to him - you are.

Bottom line, again, unless there are other things going on that you're not telling us, I don't at all see what you are worrying about. You've got to stop the mind reading. What ever is going to happen is going to happen - and worrying about it will not make it any better.

[AndrewP]

K - Ginger pull up a stool cuz ole Uncle AndrewP is gonna tell you yet another story. Try to stay awake this time

Back when you were a teenager, my wife decided to get breast reduction surgery. As a nurse you undoubtedly know what's involved there. Now, let's just say that my children never had to be worried about being underfed when they were being nursed. She once told me that a drunk friend once referred to them as a "bodacious set of ta-tas". All natural too.

She also had back pain, and grooves in her shoulders from the bra straps. So - she decided to get probably 2/3 of them taken off. She would still have a pretty impressive set - much more than the average - but she could actually start buying bras off the rack.

Post surgery they released her as quick as possible - yeah socialized medicine! We stayed over in a hotel and there were some minor complications so we went back to the hospital. She told me - and she was - terrified that if I saw her breasts in the state that they were - which wasn't appealing - that I wouldn't be attracted to her again. I assured her that wouldn't be the case.

After everything healed I was able to demonstrate that in a practical sense - not that she was ever much interested in the horizontal mambo - but that's a different story. I used to jokingly refer to them as "Frankenboobs" - the stitches and seams were visible for a very long time - certainly nothing like what you will have.

So - don't worry about it. If M loves you - he loves more than your single deflated boob.

Because I'm feeling generous you get a second story.

When my daughter was born - the nurse - probably feeling sadistic - suggested that they were short on staff and that I should help by holding one of my wife's legs. Being me, I agreed and saw my daughter's entrance in to the world very very graphically - and the image of my beloved's "woo hoo" was certainly coloured by that experience for a while. But - probably before she gave up doing keegle exercises, I was fascinated by it again.

Oh - and when my son was born and the nurses tried the same stunt I pointed out that MY job was to sit there, pat my wife's hand and remind her to breathe and they could darned well just go find someone qualified to hold a leg

Hope I made you smile.

[uRworthy]

Ahhh my friend. What are you doing here?

First of all...you are having surgery. I am sorry, but, I dont care what he is feeling or thinking or if he has PTSD (hate that term...that should be reserved for soldiers who have seen and done the unthinkable). Poor M...not.

Here's the thing. You can think all day long about what he may be feeling or not, and never know...so that's wasted energy right there.

The focus at this moment needs to be on you and your health. Whatever he may or may not be working thru is not your problem...it's his. Leave him to it.

I agree...you are always looking at the other person. You are always worried about whether you are good enough for them. Screw that.

He is either going to figure this out or he isnt. There isnt anything you can say or do that is going to change that.

What has to change is your thinking. You are making yourself crazy trying to figure out what it is and that isnt healthy.

If this all spooks him then he isnt ready for a serious relationship. Nothing to do with you.

You could be perfect...it's still his issue.

So, let this go, G. Let go of the negative thinking. Let go of taking blame. Let go of thinking how it is going to play out and live your life.

Leave him to figure himself out or not,.

You take care of you.

[DonH]

I wish I had an edit button for my post - actually a delete. I don't think I got my point across well at all. There are some good points but UR is much more on target. I really need to emphasize from what you've told us - whatever is going on is not because of something you've done. This is not about you - it's totally about him. Now you could make it worse by what you do now, but this is not one if those cases "If" you would have done this or that different, then he'd act differently. Something may be going on inside of him but that's on HIM and not on YOU. Sadly THIS is often dating - especially with people who have been hurt in the past - I swear it's sooooooo much harder. Just please do not beat yourself up. From EVERYTHING I can see and you've said this is not about you!

[TBSakaJ9]

Ditto what DH said. If he is like me then he is scared out of his mind no matter how good the sex is or how far the bed got pushed. Meeting the kids could have very well been the tipping point after he went home and had time to reflect.

That said if he loves you and does see a future he will push through it.

[Ginger1]

Well, today he is back to his normal self. I heard from him last at 7pm last night and then this morning when we woke up around 10:30. I told him how my dad had a contractor to come quote some things this morning and I told him what they said about the outlets. He said he could do it without destroying the backsplash in my kitchen and one Saturday he will come and work on it, and this week we will get the stuff we need. Sent me kissy faces and all.

Then he said he will have dinner with us tomorrow after the hike and is back to his sweet self. Who knows what happened? Not going to wonder.

Took D11 shopping today and I have to buy her all junior’s clothes. She’s getting so big and expensive. Tonight she is having her sleepover with the suicide girl. Lots of fun at my house. And tomorrow she is brining that same friend to volunteer at grains of hope with is.

Busy expensive weekend as always. But my kid is pretty happy

[Ginger1]

We had a very nice time today. The 2 of us and D11 and our dogs took a hike. The weather was gorgeous. After he bathed his dog and himself he came over for a home cooked meal of steak and potatoes. Problem? D11 likes to show off and her showing off is insulting me. He grabbed my hand under the table because he could tell I was getting upset. I told her to go take a shower. We had 15 minutes to ourselves. He said “I could see you were staring to get a little heated”. I just asked him to come sit in the couch with me. We finally got to hold hands, cuddle and kiss and talk. A brief 15 minutes, but much needed. I can’t wait for our us time on Wednesday. Seriously.

D12 heard it from me after he left. She got a lesson right there. She had a great weekend, thanks to me. Shopping for new clothes, a sleepover, bringing her friend to volunteer with us, and then a hike and dinner. This girl lives the good life and I told her instead of sitting there at the dinner table putting me down, how about lifting me up and mentioning all the great things I do for you? She felt really bad. Which she should.

I’m pooped and barely ready to tackle another week. I hope this week is more manageable at work. Next weekend is AC beer fest with my girls. The weekend after that is my surgery.

I’m just going to keep on keepin on

[kml]

Hey read the recent Washington Post article about the FDA meeting about implant related problems and then make sure the one your surgeon is giving you is not one of the ones receiving a warning letter from the FDA and not the textured kind that can cause anaplastic lymphoma. You're spending all this money, you want to make sure your implants are as safe as possible.

[Ginger1]

Well, I officially hit the panic button. My friend just tagged me in the article, my dad sent it to me.

I have a very short time to make a very big decision . And I’m not completely comfortable woth my decision now.

I’m going to make an appointment today to see him. I’m thinking to get them removed and lifted so I never have to worry again.

My stomach has been knots lately, I’m crying. I’m getting headaches. My stress is so intense.

Oh, and I have been denied by my second landscaper due to the position of my house.

Arrrrrgggghhhh!

[job]

Ginger,

I think you are very wise to meet w/your surgeon and discuss your options, i.e., especially now that the FDA had a meeting about implants. It might be in your best interest to have them removed and just get a lift, if this will keep you from worrying about them and also keep you healthy and safe from another rupture.

Why were you denied by your second landscaper? What do you want to have done?

[AndrewP]

(((Ginger))) - The "never have to worry again" sounds like a good option as long as you are comfortable with it too.

[Ginger1]

Well, I met with my surgeon yesterday. At first with the one deflated he told me he could give me a really good result without the implant. Then we decided To drain the other one so I can see them both the same size and get a better idea. Well, that one collapsed kind of funny and he did t tho k he could give me the good result on that side. I went back and forth, cried in front of the doctor..... it was bad. I left deciding to replace them. M was on his way over and I was getting changed then I started looking at myself in the mirror and thought maybe it wouldn’t be so bad. So..... I sent pictures to my bestie who is a big advocate for me getting them removed. She told me my boobs are fine . We had a discussion about loving ourself as we are and that we aren’t kids anymore, we know what’s important these days and “t!ts are t!ts”. So I went back to not replacing them. I can’t live with being 60 and needing another surgery and having to pay for it again. I’m not going to be much richer then. I feel like it would be incredibly irresponsible. But I still wasn’t 100% sure of the decision

M came over and we assessed the whole electrical project and ordered everything we needed. He’s doing an incredible amount of work for me. Then we talked about my survey and appointment. He, as a big boob guy is an advocate for me having them put. He thinks health above all . He told me I will be gorgeous on matter what, it’s not going to change the way he looks at me and he loves me so much. I told him I was scared to make the wrong decision and he said he knows I will make the right decision whatever that is and he will support me and be there 100% either way. He held me, he told me many times he loves me ( not something he usually does)he was very loving and engaged last night. He’s back to his old self. I felt awkward at first being intimate woth him because I was scared of him seeing or touching me there. But he made me feel oh so comfortable.

This really does stink. I wish I didn’t have to do it at all. But I have to. But I think I’m better off not putting myself in this situation again.im terrified I will wake up from surgery, and hate my result for 15k.
My heart knows the right thing to do.

Then yesterday I got called into the bosses office and freaked out. Well everyone got called in. They structured our assignments. We will have an even bigger patient load the. We have already. And I got the most challenging floor! It is what it is, I need a job.

I did decide when this is all done I need to take care of my health. I need to eat much better, lose weight and get back in shape.

Not a 20something anymore.

Can’t wait this weekend to be drinking beer with my ladies!!!!wait until you see our T-shirts on FB!

[job]

I, for one, am glad you have decided to have them removed. I totally agree w/you that you can't go through another surgery for replacements later on.

You look amazing and you will still look amazing after the surgery. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder and the old saying, you can't judge a book by it's cover" is very true. You ARE a beautiful person inside and out....no second thoughts on this...your health is far more important.

Everything will fall into place when it comes to losing weight and getting back into shape this summer.

BTW, glad M is acting more like himself. If he wants to come help you after the surgery, let him.

Take care of yourself.

[Ginger1]

Thanks Job. I finally feel confident in my decision. I do really have to love myself inside and out, no matter what.

M is coming the day after surgery to do my electric and stay over night because my dad is going home that day. My dad is having health problems right now and I almost want to ask M to take me on Friday, but i think it’s a little much. But he really expressed his 100% love and support . I’m going to allow his help. He seems pretty excited to my electric, actually, it’s really cute.

I have some plans in place for my weight loss and healthier eating. I’m sure I’ll feel a little better thinner woth smaller breasts.

My best friend and I are going to have a VS shopping spree after .

Funny story: I get a call from the VS credit card company , but it’s for the ex’s wife, not me, but we still have the same last names on our cards, so I guess they got us confused. I have $0 balance. She apparently is pretty delinquent. I know they fight often about her not paying her bills in a timely manner. I shot him a text to let him know about it yesterday. Probably should have told her, but whatever.

So I’m looking on the bright side of things. All new pretty bras!

[AndrewP]

Hi Ginger - glad you are getting comfortable with your choice and that M is being supportive. You'll be in my thoughts when you go in for surgery.

[kml]

Kudos to M for being a standup guy.

I think, if you're going to be worried about them or even about just the possibility of having to redo them at a later date (definitely a possibility, they were not really designed to last 50 years) then you'll be happier just having them out.

I really thought at first when they switched to saline implants that the problems I used to see in patients would go away but there can be issues with them too, and this cancer associated with some of the textured ones is scary. Even more scary is just the fact that they don't track these things - they really don't know if that cancer incidence is one in 3,000 or one in 30,000 for instance. The whole medical implant business is a mess and we don't regulate them well. (Take for example the Essure fallopian tube springs as a substitute for getting your tubes ties - what moron thought making them with nickel was a reasonable idea? Don't they know how many women are allergic to nickel - and how many of them don't understand that they are, but just think they get "infections" when they wear cheap earrings?).

[Ginger1]

M is continuing to be an even more stand up guy. My dad is suffering horribly from prostatits and hasn’t had releif in 2 weeks and isn’t expected to have it for at least 2 more. The kind of pain that destroys my dad? In his manhood, and that is killing him right now. He is taking me to surgery andncoming Thursday night but really wants to go home Friday night but I need to have someone with me. So I asked M and he said “of course” he just seems like all of a sudden like a super commuted boyfriend. And very loving. He says it a lot now. And is showing it again. It’s interesting.

I’m getting used to my boobs being gone. I realize how much I really never paid attention to them anyways. They aren’t making a huge difference in my world like this right now. I rarely show cleavage when I dress, I’m a pretty modest dresser. Once in a while I dress it up a little sexy, but not all that often. And sexy can be worn in many different ways. One compliment my ex would lend me was that I managed to dress sexy with class.

Work has been kicking my butt. I work hard long days. But my days fly by and I adore my coworkers. I’ll hopefully find some balance soon.

Off to AC tomorrow! One of my friend’s husband is leaving her. They have a long sordid story, but he fell in love with a coworker and now he’s moving out into his own apartment and they just told the kids. She’s gonna need some TLC this weekend.

Big week coming up, so I’m gonna live it up this weekend!

[JujuB]

M really sounds like a great guy Ginger. He’s doing all the right things.

You are a beatiful girl. You have absolutely gorgeous eyes..the kind people photograph in magazines. I know I am not a guy, but I prefer smaller boobs. I miss my body pre pregnancy when I did not even have to wear a bra. I felt like I looked more chic and better in going out clothes cause no need for straps. Plus it’s so much easier to go running and exercise. I see all these aging women that get this cosmetic surgery on their faces so their eyes have this squinty look and it just makes them all look the same. I don’t find it attractive - to me it just looks obvious and false and I don’t understand why they want to look like that. I think it’s important to stay fit but equally important to embrace what makes you unique. It’s the confidence that is attractive.

[Ginger1]

Juju, thank you so much. You are a stunning woman yourself!

Accepting my physical self has always been difficult as I was a true ugly duckling growing up. I came around to accepting I am attractive even though I am not thin, I’m curvy and can be muscular. That’s my frame and I’ve learned to appreciate my unique look. I think I feel I’m not looking good, because I’m not feeling good.

I look forward to returning to exercise when I’m healed. And maybe be smaller on top will enhance my workouts . I need to get my eating completely under control.

I had a great weekend woth my girls. Got a little drunk, but not too drunk and played black jack for quite some time and didn’t lose. A young guy sat next to me at the table. Good looking. Beautiful wife and beautiful kid( he showed me a pic) I think he was flirting with me though. Maybe I still do have it, lol! But my heart and my mind remains in one place and that is with M. When this guy was flirting ( and he was very attractive) all I could think about was M. I think that’s a part of love.

Speaking of M. He was possibly going to come over tonight after he dropped his son off. Honestly, we haven’t been intimate in 3 weeks. No alone time. And the one night last Wednesday, I had my monthly visitor so he got his and I did not get mine. and now we won’t see each other until after my surgery and I’ll be out of commission for at least a week in that department. So tonight was our last night , plus I hate waiting over a week in between seeing each other but it is what it is.

Anyways, he got in a fender bender which was his fault going to drop off his son. He’s fine, his son is fine, his car is drivable, but there is some damage to the front. He cancelled coming over ( he could have, he just chose not to) I was seriously upset. Just sad about it. But he was just beating himself up so bad over this, you can tell he just needed to be alone woth this and wouldn’t have been feeling so sexy. I was just heartbroken for some reason he wasn’t coming over. I just miss him a lot. And it’s not the physical act of sex. It’s the intimacy of it that I am missing so much. And I just hate how little we get to see each other . But I listened to him vent. Was supportive and validating. He told me he loves me to the moon and back. I know he is in it. And he has really proven that as of late.so I guess I just have to hang on tight, get through this surgery And we will have our time. I promised him a very special weekend that is my treat. I guess this is real relationship stuff. And he is in it. I’m very happy for that.
Big huge week ahead. I am soooooo busy it’s ridic getting ready for this surgery. But I can do it, I know I can

[Ginger1]

Busier than busy can be. Work has been absolutely insane, 9-10 hour days and passing out when I get home. Today is my first day I got out on time and had energy after work. D11 has a new friend over. Me, D11, M and our dogs were supposed to go to a park today and go for a nice walk. I have D all week until tomorrow night which is night before surgery. He had to cancelmfor a good reason and he felt so bad. He said maybe one day next week when he has his Son, we could all go together. First time offering up week time with his son.

He’s been unbelievably amazing. Incredibly loving, supportive, and helpful. He’s been like superboyfriend. And it’s awesome . He’ll be coming Friday after work . He will be seeing me at my worst. And if he sticks around after that.... that’s a good sign, lol.

Still dealing with some body image issues, but I’m working on it. But I’m dealing with them.

Otherwise all is good

[Ginger1]

Oh, and juju,

I was sprinting around the yard with the dog for some exercise and I didn’t have big heavy boobs when I ran. It actually felt good! So I guess that is a positive!

[Dawn70]

I'm terrible with my memory lately so I can't remember if your surgery was yesterday or if it is today, but either way, I'm sending positive thoughts and prayers your way.

[job]

Thinking of you and hoping that the surgery went well.

[Ginger1]

Tha k you for the well wishes! I am spent and posting to Andrew aactually took a lot out of me.

Everyone said my results were excellent ( nurses and doctor) the anesthesiologist said I was the best patient. My pain isn’t awful. And I seem to just have small perky breasts. And I am ok woth that. I have a feeling bras will be unnecessary thisnummer with my strappy sundresses! Downside is I ended up with drains which I was expecting. I can’t take a real shower until they come out on Tuesday and I am scared my crazy dog will yank them out. The ex may take the dog for a night for me. He actually told me i can do an additional procedure which takes fat from one area of the body and puts it in my breasts to increase fullness. He was going to do it today if he could , but since I had the draining pockets he’s have to wait until they healed else they would work . But he seemd really happy as it was. I just like that I have options.

I am at peace with my choice.

M has went back to standoffish last night. I won’t even get into it. Clearly his issue. It upset me though. And I’m typically G fashion , I come out of surgery worrying about his reaction. And checked on HIM. I did come out of the surgical center woth a “praying for you 😘😘😘” text

I yelled at myself,
Blamed it on anesthesia, lol, and I have decided to just focus on my healing.

[AndrewP]

((Ginger1))

As someone who is dating a lady who is working towards 57 - perky will stay perky longer I don't doubt B is quite shapely for a lady her age but some of the shapes aren't the same as what she had at 36 I'm sure.

Don't worry about M. He'll come around but this is pretty traumatic for him too for lots of reasons especially since he's a self described boob guy. I'm not a boob guy but I know that it was something I had to work through when my wife of the time got her's mostly removed.

Glad you came through OK.

[Ginger1]

Thanks Andrew. He has no problem with the size. He’s not necessarily a “large” boob man, he just loves them. And 2 nights before the surgery he said “ I think you are making the right choice for yourself, your daughter and me. So he really wanted me to do this.

He’s back to himself again. He’s been wonderful not letting me do anything , taking care of me and the dog. He went out and got us sushi last night He even helped me reposition my bra and drains. He’s been very loving and he held my hand while we slept and would kiss me. He’s been great. We made it out for breakfast and now he’s going home to get his tools then he will be back.

I know he is going through his stuff. But he does show up. He’s a very special guy.

And I took my bandages off today and I am very happy woth my result. They look amazing. I am very happy with my decision. Getting excited to buy some new bras and cute dresses and tops. I’m motivated to lose the weight .

All is good. I’m glad it’s over with

[job]

I am very glad to read that things are going well. I'm glad your surgery is over too and I think you made the right decision for you.

Once you are completely healed up....look out stores...Ginger will be there purchasing new bras, tops and dress!

Have a great weekend and do not try to do too much.

[TBSakaJ9]

Happy to hear that things went good G.

[Ginger1]

Thanks guys! I’m getting used to my new body. But clothes shopping I am sure will make it more fun.

Pain is there but not bad. I’m supposed to go to my friends house tonight but I remembered I’m not supposed to drive. ... she lives 5 min away, so I’ll see how I’m feeling.

M has been a total and complete rockstar. He put in all my outlets and worked for like 7 hours yesterday. I helped him a little for what I could do. I’ve been super tired and I fell asleep on the couch while he worked his butt off and I felt so bad. But he was fine woth it. He stayed last night too. I really love sleeping next to him and waking up next to him. We had our coffee, went to Home Depot so he could get some stuff to seal things up. He cut up all my branches that fell off the tree in the back yard for me. My ex was NOT handy at all and M is super handy and has a genius mind woth these things. I love it. It’s almost 70 degrees here and he went snowboarding for the last day of the season. He certainly earned that. He has been walking my dog in the night and takes him out when he can for me. He calls himself my dogs daddy. He kind of is, he’s been there since the beginning with him. And my dog actually listens to him

I need to find a way to repay him. I want to do something really nice for him on a weekend we get together. Which might not be for a few weeks. Schedules kind of stink sometimes to get alone time in, but we do the best we can.

I’m grateful and blessed. I got myself a gem.

[Ginger1]

Bad news: my drains aren’t coming out tomorrow. Maybe Wednesday. Maybe. Which means I can’t go back to work . That’s not so bad, but I need a real shower. I’ve been in all day long. Tomorrow I go for my complimentary massage ( I get 3) Wednesday, definitely stiches, maybe drains.

I started low carb diet lazy keto today. I need to lose this weight. It’s gotta go, especially now with my body so different. I am attempting grocery shopping tomorrow.

M took a big step today and invited D11 and I on his summer vacay with him and his son. I didn’t expect that, and I imagine it’s a big step for him. Hopefully I get the time off of work. Then the week after that, we will be vacationing together. I’m looking forward to it, it’ll be a nice beach vacation. We plan on bringing our dog too, if mine is fully housebroken by then. Great stuff to look forward too. He also accepted an invitation to the beer bacon and BBQ festival with my friends and I. That’ll be fun.

[Ginger1]

Nothing exciting to report in my world. I got my drains outbtuesday, yay! And had intentions of going back to work yesterday. I felt great on Wednesday, Hung out woth my friend in the morning did some stuff around the house and relaxed, then I actually put real clothes on and did my makeup and M and I went out to dinner. And there was sexy time! . He Is very sweet and knows I am having a rough time dealing with my body change and calls me beautiful.

Yesterday I wasn’t feeling too hot, but at 11 am I had my occupational med appt so I could return to work right from there. The nurse comes in and looks at me and says “sure you are ready?” Then the nurse practitioner comes in who was supposed to clear me and says the same thing. And she figured out that I only have to take that day as PTO and Friday could go into my EIB. I was tired, I had a headache, I am still sore, and my BP was high for me. She encouraged me to stay home and return Monday. She said she was going to tell my boss and she is not going to clear me. She asked a lot about my surgery as she was curious and she was very very very compassionate. She said “as nurses we take care of everyone else and rarely ourselves” she knows I felt guilty about making it tougher on my coworkers. She ensured me they could survive a day and a half without me and I needed to care for myself. She even gave me a big hug. She was just what I needed yesterday. I went home and glued myself to the couch. I napped on and off . It clearly needed it. I feel pretty good today. I will definitely be ready by Monday.

Before I left yesterday, I got a knock on the door. It was the electric guy coming to [censored] off my electric. There was a mix up between my old address and my new. The payments weren’t going through and I hadn’t been getting the bills. He had me call the number and pay. He was feeling so bad like he was taking my first born away from me. He told me since they merged woth another company, they have been sending out to shut off the electric of people who owe $300. It used to only be people who owed thousands and hadsnt paid for a year . My electric didn’t get [censored] off. But if it had been a normal work day, I would have indeed come home with no electricity .

I know it sounds corny, but I think the universe put some kindness and compassion in my path yesterday. It meant a lot.

Tonight I take D 11 and her friend to the movies. Hopefully the weather will be nice tomorrow and we can get out and do some gardening. Might invite M and his kid to do something together.

Things are going along as they should. I’m adjusting. Oh, and I have been sticking to this low carb diet and I finally decided to weight myself today. I haven’t been on a scale in months. But I think I knew what I was at. It seems as if I’m 11 lbs down, and 15 lbs off my goal weight. So I am encouraged to keep going . Maybe I’ll be getting some cute bikinis for summer. I can finally get a halter as it won’t hurt my neck anymore, lol. We’ll see,

[Ginger1]

Journaling

Going back to work tomorrow. Nooooo! I’m a little anxious over it, I don’t know why. Maybe because I enjoyed being home so much?? But I’m feeling much much better. Almost back to normal stuff. I was super busy and active this weekend and felt great. Yesterday was beautiful here and D11 and I went by M’s house to a beautiful park with his son and our dogs and took a really nice walk. We had a really nice time. Then D11 and I went to dinner with cousin and husband. Today we busted butt getting some gardening stuff and planting, cleaning dog poop out of the yard(yuck) going to the indoor farmers market, grilling a yummy dinner, then baking banana bread which was delicious but I can’t have. I deep cleaned the living room which really needed it. I need a landscaper so bad, though. I wish one would come!

M asked me if I wanted to see a concert end of June down the shore with him. of course said yes. He rented us a really cute bungalow by the beach for the night too. I am excited! Should be lots of fun, hopefully there will be good weather.

Still going pretty strong on this low carb diet and seeing results. I did have a scoop of ice cream yesterday because we went to one of the best ice cream places ever. Couldn’t resist. But I skipped any fries or onion rings or potatoes at dinner . Still determined to drop the weight.

On a sad note, it’s D11’s spring break. She will only be staying at my house Wednesday night. I don’t have off. She will be with her dad all weekend too next weekend. Not easy for me. And of course the only night I have her is really the only night I can see M. It is what it is, but I’ll miss her.

My dog got a nasty tick on our walk yesterday. Probably going to have to take him to the vet. Second one so far this year . Good news is he is finally calming down a bit, probably because I’ve been home and he’s been getting a lot more exercise with the nice weather. But I’ll take it.

Post op appointment tomorrow . First time seeing the surgeon since the surgery. Things are feeling better, not as sore and they are softening. He did do a great job.

Wish me luck at work tomorrow. Monday’s are the worst. Hoping it’s not too too busy

[job]

Just checking on you. How are you doing? Glad you got a great job and the surgeon was a good one.

Beanie calmed down because you were home and provided attention. I am curious to see how he behaves once you are back at work again.

Have a great day!

[Ginger1]

Hi job! Thanks for checking on. I went back to work on Monday and I’ve been feeling good. Pretty tired by the end of the day, but that could be that I’m working 9 hours a day ( and getting paid for 7.5) and I have no carbs or sugar in my diet, lol. Monday I had my first post op with the surgeon. He looked at them and smiled and said “you definitely made the right decision, they look great!” Remember, he advised me to replace them because he didn’t know how good he could get them, but he was clearly satisfied with his work. So am I. I’m anxious to get back to the gym. This weekend I’m buying new bras. Beanie was very happy to have me home. I wish I could be a stay at home dog mom.

I only had D11 last night this week until Monday. We went out to dinner and tried to get her glasses fixed because the dog ate them! She needs a new pair and the ex says he is too broke to split them right now. We are going to try to get the same frames so we don’t have to replace the lenses. My ex has been saying he is very broke lately. How are they broke on a lawyer and court officer salary and I am single nurse salary over here? I’m staying afloat ( barely) . Whatever. OWW’s mother had triple bypass surgery a day ago. Today she wasn’t doing very well. D12 said she improving and daddy will call me later to tell me what’s going on so I can offer my medical explanation and point of view. Which I will do.

Then M had a dental emergency today. I had my dentist on the phone and he took care of him ( I have a very good repoire with my dentist) then I went grocery shopping and when I got home he was asking me what he should eat and he realized he had none of it. He has his son tonight so I offered to go and bring him stuff from the grocery store. So I went back to the store and drove him over some stuff. Hung out with him and his son for a bit and went home. He said to me I outdid myself with the way I handled his problems. I said I loved him didn’t want him to be in pain and I didn’t want him to have to drag his son out before bedtime to get food. He was very appreciative. I picked his son up a little Easter basket I saw too. His son enjoyed that. Saturday night we are going out and he invited me over Sunday for Easter dinner with his mom, brother and wife. I thought that was really nice. I’m looking forward to it. We had a really good time this past Tuesday. He came over after he dropped off his son. We just hung out for a while . He had to go home because his mom wasn’t going to be around to walk the dog. After you know what, we laid in my bed and just talked about everything for like 2 hours and he left at midnight. I can’t explain it, but we both told each other we had the best night and we were still smiling the next day. We didn’t go anywhere or do anything special, we just talked and connected.

I’m exhausted and I hope the ex calls soon so I can go to bed. I’m almost through my first well back!

[Dawn70]

I can’t explain it, but we both told each other we had the best night and we were still smiling the next day. We didn’t go anywhere or do anything special, we just talked and connected.

It is hard to explain, but I TOTALLY get it. Sparky and I have fun together, but we don't have to go anywhere or do anything specific to just hang out, talk, feel connected. Sure, we go to concerts and we have done a couple of fun spa-like things, movies, go out to dinner and attend family gatherings, but some of my favorite "dates" are our regular Friday nights after we have both worked all week and we just chill and have dinner and watch a movie or talk or just "be" together. He is a big fan of World of Warcraft, so he'll bring his laptop to my house and he'll sit and play that while we watch a movie and we can talk and just relax together. It is a really comfortable, really peaceful, really safe place to be and I like it.

[kml]

Haha - about the bra shopping. Friend of mine's 85 year old mother had a fall and hit her head while out shopping. She was in Victoria's Secret with her hands full of panties and bras that went flying, and all she could say was "were's my bra?". Go mom!

[Ginger1]

So, I’ve done the right thing in life. I spoke to the ex and his MIL almost died. Actually, she sort of did. She coded. He explained everything to me, had questions and I guided him. I told him that his wife could reach out to me with any questions she has. I guess he told her and she texted me and expressed her sincere thanks. I told her that her mom and family are in my thoughts.

She’s very close to her mom. No matter the crappy things we do in our life, she is a human facing losing her mom and my daughter cares about her mom too. So I offered my help. I think I did the right thing.

Never saw myself here, I’ll tell you that much.

I finished my first well back at work and this week kicked my butt. I work so hard and long, but you know what? My team and my coworkers are the best. And I do like what I do. I’m starving and craving my dinner , but I’m too tired to cook it, tomorrow I get stuff done and see M tomorrow night. Then Easter with his family . I’m gonna cheat on my diet. Which I’m kicking butt at by the way!

[kml]

You're a good person.

[job]

I agree w/kml, you are a good person w/a kind heart. You did the right thing and it shows all that you can step up to the plate no matter what.

Wishing you and your family a Happy Easter.

[Ginger1]

Thank you both . My religion is “do the right thing” , so that’s what I’ll keep doing.

Happy Easter!!!

[Ginger1]

I had such a great weekend. M and I had a special date last night. I won’t give the details, it was a first for me, and a lot of fun. We were home by 1am ( late night for us) we slept until 10:30Am which I never get to do ( up a few times to tend to dog though. Then I arrived for Easter dinner at his house. His bro, his wife, her sister and mom were there ( and of course his mom) dinner was delish. I stayed until almost 9. I have to say, it feels so good to be included in the family stuff as his girlfriend. I never really made it to the point of holidays with the family with anyone but my ex. I always felt like some dirty little secret with other guys, like I wasn’t good enough to bring home to mom. It’s such a nice feeling

I made a joke to him and asked him if it was like being with another woman when he Felt my top half. I was laying in his arms and he said “it’s just like being with you, because it’s whats in here and here that makes you you ( pointing to my head and my heart” he is such an amazing man. How lucky am I?

I haven’t really thought about the future with us. I’ve started to. I wouldn’t let myself get ahead of myself like my old MO. But coming up onto 8 months I am beginning to think about it. I think I’ve known I had no future with any other guy I’ve dated. But with him, I feel one. Will we ever live together? I don’t know. It gets complicated with kids and homeowner ship and the such. But I would love to wake up with every morning and go to bed with him every night. And come home to him after work. One day I would really want that. But he still makes an effort to kind of not let his son know our status. But I think his son does know, actually. I also haven’t lived with anyone in 11 years. That’s a long time. Marriage I doubt will be on the table. His scars might have been too deep. Mine were for a long time and I was totally closed off to it. I am not anymore, but it isn’t a necessity to me. We aren’t having kids and We aren’t religious We don’t talk about future plans like that. We just let our relationship flow. And it’s flowing beautifully. I think we even think of my dog as our dog. He offered to help me fix my lawn up and said he would mow it, he just can’t commit to every week because he has his own. I said I wouldn’t let him do that. But to even offer that? Very kind.

Anyways, I’ve seen my daughter once this week. I’m excited for her to come home tomorrow. Although she wants one of her friends to come over after school. And she will be here until about 8 pm. She’s all about the friends now. Which I am happy about. I like to see her thrive with her friends. But I miss my baby girl!

If you have actually made it through my rambling journal, Hays off to you! So many thoughts going off in my head!

[Ginger1]

Boring short journal. Easy week, had to work yesterday. But I have off Friday. Work is wearing me to the bone. Working 9 hour days for 7.5 hours of pay is getting to me. Then being told I can’t have vacation because we don’t have enough coverage. Not cool. The bright side is I love my coworkers and the job itself and apparently I am doing very well and I changed the dynamic of the team on my floor. It was miserable and now it’s great. We work well together

It will be a week and a half without seeing M. We had kids this weekend, work, etc. and this week he has 2 meetings for his lake and kid the other days. I’m have D11 Friday night because ex had plans. We need a girls night anyways. But Friday night M and I will see each other. I guess this is what it looks like for busy adults with kids and jobs. Things are still going really good though .

D11 is continuing to be a pre teen who just wants to spend all her time with friends and put her social life in front of responsibilities. We got into it a few times this week. Life with a teenager. Help me. Friday night her and I are doing a one on one activity because we don’t get to anymore.

That’s it. Boring boring. Busy busy. And my dog is still a terror trying to kill me.

[Ginger1]

I think I am going to sign off for a little while. I think it will be good for my mental health. I’m going to focus on myself a little more because quite honestly I need to. Sometimes this gets too much.

I wish you all happiness and health in all you do.
My top next time.....

[kml]

Girl - I think things sound like they're going well with the boyfriend. Take care of yourself. Parenting is HARD.

[job]

Ginger

Please take care of yourself. I agree w/kml, sounds like things are going well w/your boyfriend. Sometimes we have to step away from the forum to recharge and focus on ourselves, family and friends.

[DonH]

I have to say Ginger I'm sorry to see you go - or at least step back. Having a hunch we might have the same feelings, I reached out to you off of the boards (just providing full disclosure here) and it would appear it is and we do. I'm not sure what has happened to at least this side of the board but to me it seems anything but healthy and helpful sometimes. I either feel like I'm being a nag or an enabler - and I'd much rather be a nag or even a jerk than enable what I down to my core believe is some really bad decisions.

Most people are going to do what they are going to do - as well they should. They are adults and it's their life. But then what's the point of a group like this if we are not going to at least consider what other's have to say. It's gotten to be basically a small club of about a dozen people who don't want to hurt one another's feelings so are now letting some rather bad decisions just go unchecked and unchallenged. And clearly, some are not hear to get input - rather just to journal.

I've not left but it's probably somewhat obvious that I've not been posting much at all either. I mean why bother? It's almost like I'm commenting on someone's personal diary - which I don't at all think what MWD had in mind here for these boards - a personal diary. I still value and get some enjoyment out of reading the posts. I don't agree with my real life friends all of the time either, and that's okay - but they are not trying to improve their lives and make better or at least different decisions on the second (or third or even fourth) time around.

So I guess I'm mostly saying, I get it Ginger - I get it. We are in desperate need of some new blood, more people, varied opinions and people not only willing to give their honest opinion but those actually wanting to not only hear but consider it. Hopefully you'll still pop back in from time to time. I know I will miss your often spot on opinions and suggestions. I get it and would follow your advice even if others might not. Without a doubt, you have come a long way - a very long way - and have really changed and some would say corrected previous decisions in favor of much more grounded and certainly more healthy ones. You should be extremely proud of your growth and where it has gotten you. Make no mistake, you have given some great advice and solid opinions- even if not everyone wants to hear them and take them to heart.

[kml]

You know Don, just because we hit someone over the head with 2 x 4s or offer them a contrary opinion on their choices, doesn't mean we have any right to be frustrated if they don't take our advice - after all, THEY are living their life, not us. Feedback can be helpful but that doesn't mean advice has to always be taken. That's one of the things I love about the boards, that people feel free to offer their opinions - and people feel free to take the advice or not! And I don't presume that my advice is always right - just my personal perspective.

I find it very helpful here to see how people are dealing with their dating challenges, and it helps me to re-evaluate some of my own choices. I'm guilty of rushing in to rescue CMM ("he has CANCER! He's all ALONE!") and that hasn't worked out perfectly.

[JujuB]

Ginger - best of luck. I always loved reading your posts. Your honesty, openness and your ability to just put it all out there makes you a favorite on here. I have always appreciated your advice and you helped me a lot with feeling good about my decision with ex bf. It’s so clear when your outside of the situation but not so easy when your in it. Anyway, you know where to reach me. Hope to keep in touch.

Don - I think if we are willing to put it out there on an interactive forum we have to accept the fact that people are gonna have different perspectives and opinions. I have found it interesting to read about and hear back from others regarding post divorce dating, relationships, and other issues. I think everyone has for the most part been pretty respectful. I think it’s also comforting to hear from people that share the same struggles and then to also share in the successes. I agree though that this forum feels different to me then when I posted on newcomers. It’s a different vibe I can’t quite put my finger on. Maybe in newcomers everyone is hyper focused and sharing tragedy. And here it’s no longer acute and raw so our differences make it harder?

[bttrfly]

G I will miss your posts. Don - I am guilty of journaling but I will also say that the main forum I've posted in since Day 1 is the MLC side. This forum is different. I don't feel quite like I belong in the MLC side of things as my sitch has progressed, but I also feel like this side is a bit cliquey for lack of a better word. People don't often comment or at least not in the same way as they do over there, so I'm trying this side one more time, but truthfully - yeah. I've read some posts where I scratch my head and say "what?" but again, I'm not living someone's life - who knows that the path that looks like a future train wreck to me isn't exactly what they need to get to their next level of growth. Dunno if that makes sense.

Ginger, I must tell you before you go that I've appreciated your honesty and your struggles and triumphs. It was important to me to read what you've gone through in your post D life and with post D dating. I'm teetering here on the edge of the dating pool and your posts and honesty mean a lot, just want to say that. Don't stray too far. xoxoxoxo

[Ginger1]

Wow! Thank you so much for the kind words. I guess I came to a point of not being able to tell if I was helping or hurting people and that’s a bad spot to be in. People here are more than words on a board ( a good portion of DB’ers from back in the olden days are my real life personal friends) and some here and now I have gotten in contact with and I know are truly real people. And sometimes I read and want to jump out and I can’t because I don’t want to hurt these people. I think I am becoming to emotionally involved and maybe need to step back a bit and just focus on me. Some days it may even color my situation with my boyfriend and I can’t have that either. Things are going great between us. We really are in love and it’s a respect kind of love. We are 8 months now and still getting to know each other. For once I don’t feel a rush. I think I was always knew my other R’s were going to come to an end and I had to keep them together even if they weren’t healthy for me. And I was just worried I was not going to do any better. I don’t have this now and it’s just completely eye opening . I’ve been divorced and dating for 11 years. And I’ve made soo many mistakes, hadn’t respected myself and it took me forever and I finally am, and thanks to people here and IRL.

I only know how to be raw honest and open and it bit always the best thing, butbim glad I could help people with the honesty of my life.

And I want to mention one thing that was pretty defining last night:

My dad and stepmothers dog had to be put to sleep last night . He is the brother of my/ ex’s dog. That dog was my ex’s idea as a Father’s Day gift to my dad. I informed ex that he was being put to sleep. He called me, but I was sleeping. Last night he texted our daughter to say he was sorry to hear.

Here it comes : D11 comes into my room and tells me her dad texted her and I must have told him. She said she felt very lucky and happy to have divorced parents who get along and talk to each other. She said we even laugh together sometimes and that it feels good to watch. She said most divorced parents can’t even talk to each other and we always do and it makes her very happy for that. She said she loves how the 3 of us could spend her birthday with her and that time is very special to her ( on her actual birthday, the ex, me and her do an activity an dinner, just the 3 of us)

If you knew where I can from, this is huge. I did this is for our daughter and also my personal peace. And I can’t tell you how good it feels that it made such a wonderful difference in my daughters life. It’s all I could have hoped for.

I’m stop in from time to time but I’m going to refrain from others threads for a bit while I do some self care for a while.
I do appreciate all the kind words and wish you all love all the best on this never ending crazy journey

[TBSakaJ9]

G......best of luck and thank you for all of your comments. I take everything you post to me to heart and it has helped me more than you will ever know.

[pinn]

I have to say Ginger I'm sorry to see you go - or at least step back. Having a hunch we might have the same feelings, I reached out to you off of the boards (just providing full disclosure here) and it would appear it is and we do. I'm not sure what has happened to at least this side of the board but to me it seems anything but healthy and helpful sometimes. I either feel like I'm being a nag or an enabler - and I'd much rather be a nag or even a jerk than enable what I down to my core believe is some really bad decisions.

Most people are going to do what they are going to do - as well they should. They are adults and it's their life. But then what's the point of a group like this if we are not going to at least consider what other's have to say. It's gotten to be basically a small club of about a dozen people who don't want to hurt one another's feelings so are now letting some rather bad decisions just go unchecked and unchallenged. And clearly, some are not hear to get input - rather just to journal.

I've not left but it's probably somewhat obvious that I've not been posting much at all either. I mean why bother? It's almost like I'm commenting on someone's personal diary - which I don't at all think what MWD had in mind here for these boards - a personal diary. I still value and get some enjoyment out of reading the posts. I don't agree with my real life friends all of the time either, and that's okay - but they are not trying to improve their lives and make better or at least different decisions on the second (or third or even fourth) time around.

So I guess I'm mostly saying, I get it Ginger - I get it. We are in desperate need of some new blood, more people, varied opinions and people not only willing to give their honest opinion but those actually wanting to not only hear but consider it. Hopefully you'll still pop back in from time to time. I know I will miss your often spot on opinions and suggestions. I get it and would follow your advice even if others might not. Without a doubt, you have come a long way - a very long way - and have really changed and some would say corrected previous decisions in favor of much more grounded and certainly more healthy ones. You should be extremely proud of your growth and where it has gotten you. Make no mistake, you have given some great advice and solid opinions- even if not everyone wants to hear them and take them to heart.

Sorry to hijack but man I am glad someone else feels the same. That sums it up absolutely perfectly Don. I thought I was in bizarro world down here. Though I do miss the learning that I was able to achieve while I was in new comers I legit learned a ton about relationships, things that I had never considered before and it was eye opening for me. I miss that. Maybe there is somewhere else I can find that will give me that again as I enter this new phase.

Anyway, best of luck ginger!

[Drew]

Most people are going to do what they are going to do - as well they should. They are adults and it's their life. But then what's the point of a group like this if we are not going to at least consider what other's have to say. It's gotten to be basically a small club of about a dozen people who don't want to hurt one another's feelings so are now letting some rather bad decisions just go unchecked and unchallenged. And clearly, some are not hear to get input - rather just to journal.

Exactly why I seldom post much anymore!!

I don't know, but when I first got here there was a lot of kind hearted support I got that I needed when I was going through the initial shock and turmoil of being a LBS. But as my situation progressed I got a lot of honest feedback from folks who turned into good friends outside this board. People like J3B, Mach, and Eric who challenged me to examine my role in the breakup of my marriage and not just play the victim card. (Well, Jack was a bit of a cuddler at times right Mach?) As Eric would say "do the hard work" that I don't see a lot of people here now doing.

Was it easy??!! H*ll no!! But it made me a better, stronger person and has definitely helped me in all aspects of my life and current relationships. There is a time for coddling and a time for 2x4's. Maybe it's our current politically correct climate and the fear of offending anyone, I don't know, but it certainly feels different.

Sorry, for the hijack Ginger!! I wish you all the best and you know you can challenge me and be brutally honest with me anytime you want.

[ericmsant2]

Jack and Mach cuddlers? Rotflmao.

Hey Ginger - to post or not....your choice. Choose wisely. Love ya sis!

[Drew]

Dang edit button!!!

I meant to type coddler, but maybe it was a Freudian slip as Jack and Mach always did like to cuddle with each other, lol.

[ericmsant2]

Hahaha!

[Mach1]

I can't believe that you two knuckleheads pulled me in here..... : )

As I read this, I was thinking back on everything that I learned from the older, heavy hitters here.

I think, for me at least, it boils down to two things from two people...

Jack once asked me if I was willing to be defined by the worst thing that I have ever gone through, because posting can consume a person. That DB is great for living a detached life, yet not so great for attaching two lives together. And in order to survive , one had to separate the two things, and define who you really are before you can step back and give accurate advice, and live a DBing life.

Secondly, AmyC told me that after time, posting held her back just as much as it ever moved her forward, and how long did I want to sit on that fence...



I do agree with you Drew......

I was pushed into who I became after bomb day.....

Not asked.....pushed...... by some incredible people

And I wouldn't trade a minute of it.



G, stepping back isn't a bad thing, as long as you aren't hiding from yourself. (which you do tend to do at times)

[uRworthy]

Hey G...take care of you.

Awww...mach and ericsant....two of my very favorite poster s. I thank God for those who helped me through and you two were a huge part of it. And I hope I helped some in some small way.

Coddler/ cuddlers though...


Hmmm

[Ginger1]

For the record, I have personally witnessed the cuddling. There may not be coddling, but there is certainly some man cuddling going on between Mach and Eric. I may have even tried to be the meat in that sandwich, but they weren’t having me.

I also realize my daughter says what she did because of the tough love I got from these people. That really close friend kind of give it to me straight love because they do love me!

I’m forever thankful for it, I try to give the same, but sometimes my line between trying to do good and actually doing harm gets blurred.

Um, UR I think you may have actually saved some people . A little more than help a little 😉

[uRworthy]

Thank you for your kind words. Love and miss you.

[Ginger1]

I just had to stop in and share something funny. We went out do dinner last night and then to one of our favorite bars ( they have 90’s bands. It’s a big place and it was packed. And who were we packed like sardines right next to? Hatchet guy! Remember him? I thank god he didn’t recognize me or say anything if he did. It’s a small world when dating online, especially when you keep it local. And I live in a pretty densely populated area. I see the cheap anesthesiologist around once a week.

I’m the end, I ended up with prince after kissing all those frogs. We were a little tipsy last night and decided to buy tickets to a concert when we are going to one The next day. We are going all out. Sometimes we are convinced we are still in our 20’s.

[kml]

I've never regretted a concert that I went to. I have regretted many that I missed.

[Ginger1]

Masters of ceremony! Snoop dog, 50cent, DMX and more! Definitely won’t regret it

Then he’s introducing me the next day to his white boy reggae bands as he calls them. It’s at a very famous venue at the jersey shore which neither of us has been to. Should be a good time!

[Dawn70]

I saw Snoop Dogg on last week's episode of Law and Order SVU. That is probably as close as I'll ever get to seeing him. LOL I hope y'all have a blast!

[Ginger1]

What’s new with me? Not much. I’ve been trimming down my work days because I couldn’t sustain my pace anymore. Today is h@ll, but I’ve been getting out mostly only a half hour late. Restarted CrossFit this week. Ouch, I’m in pain! D11 is definitely entering those teen years. I don’t know how prepared I am for these! It’s scary. She’s still a good girl though. Has straight A’s right now. My dog continues to be an adorable terror.

The ex and I continue to get along. He even offered to replace my brakes for me if I buy him lunch. His wife wished me a happy Mother’s day, and I said same to her. He got “injured” on the job and is off for a week ( he likes to milk it)

Things with M and I continue to go well. Some things popped up but very minor. The 4 of us had a nice night ( meaning kids included ) last Friday . My daughter is very comfortable with him and his son seems to really like me, even D11 said so. We have our little games we play he gets a kick out of. Me too. Hes adorable. What bothered me was that he still makes a concentrated effort to not show anything resembling affection around him. Before I could bring it up, he brought it up. He apologized for not showing affection and he is scared of confusing his son and said he’s probably overthinking. I said it’s probably a little more confusing when we wait so long for him to know. And he’s a super sharp kid and I think he knows. I said I understood he has to do what he feels is best and hopefully it happens soon. He said it definitely will. We are all going away in July and it would just be awkward for the 4 nights if we didn’t even go near each other. So I’m hoping by then. I’m not talking making out. A hug or a kiss hello. A touch on the back. Something .

We went out last night to see a coworkers 13 year old daughter play an open mic in a band. She’s the first person he’s met, lol. It was a lot of fun. This weekend there is a concert at his community lake and we are going with his friend and wife. Should be fun as we are finally getting nice weather. He’s going mountain biking with that friend in the morning so I’ll be trying to do something with my insane lawn of mine. We are doing different things, have fun together, but life is life and we really only get to see each other once or twice a week. Maybe 3 times this week. But we always mix it up a bit . I’m going to try to get him to take me kayaking again Sunday . Even when we have some differences, my love keeps growing for him every day. He tells me all the time he loves me. I believe him too.

[Ginger1]

Well, I got a dilemma. I’m pretty upset. This was a non-kid weekend and Friday night I finally got to go out with my my girlfriends ( so needed). Saturday M went biking with a friend then we went to his lake for a concert. It was so much fun, I met all his lake board people/community ( they really liked me). We brought beer, M had more than he usually does so he was really hungover today . I had to sneak out at 5 am to take care of my daughter. I invited him for dinner tonight and to chill. At the last minute, in his normal fashion, he said no. He says “let’s see how things go” on a Sunday, then at dinner time he says he would just rather stay home. Today, I expressed how I really felt about that. I was upset. He knows and I know we don’t get to spend much tome together and we involve our kids. We get maybe 2 days together a whole weekend we had, and we spent 13 hours together, 5 of those sleeping . I wasn’t asking him to come over to do housework. I was going to feed him and chill with him. He said he was feeling really blah from the hangover and he needed “me time” . Not for birthing, I do not monopolize his tome in any way. I find that I have “me” time and I want to spend it Witt him. And he would rather spend it by himself . We expressed our feelings, it didn’t end bad, but I am super upset. He thanked me for understanding he has a very busy schedule ( of course I do, mine is busier) but I have been nothing but patient. Understanding his pace. His not letting his son know we are together. Our 1-2 nights a week.

He’s wonderful. He really is. But I realized he didn’t chose me when I would chose him. That I want more time with him and perhaps he doesn’t want more time with me. I want to progress. And we do, at a nice slow pace which has been healthy for me. But when you chose to lay in your bed on a Sunday night instead of having a home made meal with your girlfriend, well, I feel like we are on different pages. It hurt and I felt rejected. I understand the concept of alone tome and our individual busy lives, but he does this all the time and I don’t even think he realizes it.

I am really upset. I haven’t figured out if I should be, shouldn’t be, if it’s PMS, if I’m unreasonable, or maybe we are on just different levels. But I’m shocked at the rejection I’m feeling. I am genuinely hurt, even if he didn’t mean to. I’m just scared we might be on different levels. The usual one where I prioritize someone I love, and I don’t know if they do the same for me.

[Ginger1]

Excuse my typos. I can’t see what I’m doing on this phone

[TBSakaJ9]

G - There have been nights were I would have preferred to stay home vs going to spend time with the Dr. I think I have only said "no" one time in 4 months. We make plans to see each other and don't really do things spur of moment just because of kids and schedules. For example, tonight I would much rather stay home and watch the last episode of GOT however she invited me over so I will watch it when I get home. I am choosing to go spend time with her.

It very well could be a lot of things or it could nothing and that is the way he is. He says he loves you, you have met his kid and vice versa, you also do things together with the kids. Take stock of the entire R and determine if it is fitting your needs.

FWIW........unless I had to work late, sick or had something else that I couldn't get out of if the Dr. wanted me to come over for dinner I wouldn't say "no".

I think this pace stuff is a very common issue and one I might be experiencing myself. My only advice would be to communicate your needs, desires, and what you want. See what he says and go from there. Ultimately if this is who he is and he can't give you anything more right now then you have a decision to make. If he is unaware of how this is impacting you and changes/steps up or whatever you want to call it then issues resolved.

Maybe you are feeling insecure about the entire R as you have mentioned more than once about him sheltering his son then when you add this on top of it adds more fuel to the fire.

[Ginger1]

Thanks J. Well, we talked it out. We aren’t on completely the same page, but we came to an understanding

He did another thing a week ago that upset me. My birthday is on a Monday and my dad and stepmom are coming for dinner. They still haven’t met. So when I invited him to dinner, he said “if I don’t have a lake meeting” and that upset me a lot. Dude, miss your lake meeting for one night for your girlfriends birthday. So I decided told him to find out tomorrow if there will be a meeting on my birthday. He said “even if there is, I’ll skip it for your birthday❤️“ he said it was the least he could do for being a selfish jerk. I decided to point out to him that I got I really upset because he doesn’t the same thing every Sunday we don’t have kids. I said I think it might just be that he likes his Sunday’s to himself. He said he didn’t realize he’d been doing that until I pointed it out. And it’s true he likes his Sunday’s to recoup and recharge. He said he didn’t think I would like him anymore if I saw him that way. I told him but I love him and I don’t care if he’s cranky, or began snoring on my couch. I just want to be with him.

Long story short, he is very passionate about his alone tome on sundays. Any alone time because he has a busy kid and obligations and doesn’t get much of it. I reminded him I’ve been raising a very vibrant girl from the beginning majority of the time Ali e with zero help ( he has his Klm) and maintaining a household on my ( again, he has his mom) and I totally understand alone time.

I told him there must be a compromise somewhere. Basically, I’m not going to ask for anything on Sunday anymore unless it’s a special occasion. And if he decides he wants time with me, he can come to me. He told me I was amazing.

J- honest question. Do you see the doctor when you would rather be alone because you are scared of the reprocessing of saying no? Or maybe you would rather be with her than be alone? See, I want him to chose to spend Sunday with me because that’s truly what he wants to do with his time. Not out of obligation or fear of pissing me off. I don’t want it to be a sacrifice to make me happy. I want him to want it. And I told him as much.

That’s our difference. I prefer my alone time with him. He prefers it with himself . Two different places I guess.

I have really never felt more secure in a relationship in my life. He offered every Friday he has son to us. Every movie night at the lake we should come. Me and my D are going on vacation with his AND his mom. I mentioned I wanted to build a patio ( as in to hire someone) and he offered to build me one. He shows love in commitment in some different ways. He took care of my through surgery. He’s wonderful in so many ways and shows his love.

I just miss him. We will have a great tome together and I want more. It’s tough.

I would be a d@mn fool to give this up because he chooses alone tome on sunday’s Rather than to be with me. I told him straight up, I hope one day he finds that he could recharge with me, rather than away from me sometimes .

I feel a little bit not completely settled . I know he’s still learning how to balance his tome. It’s hard. I don’t want it to be an effort to fit me in either.

We will see what happens. I’m just going to step back a bit. I need to regroup a little too. I shouldn’t touch any sensitive subjects around my time of the month. It’s disaster.

The old me would be scared to ask for what I need in fear of the person leaving because it’s “too much” not anymore.

[kml]

That’s our difference. I prefer my alone time with him. He prefers it with himself .

Girl - this is an introvert/extrovert thing. Extroverts recharge by being with people (you). Introverts recharge by being alone (him). It's not a wrong or right, it's just important to understand what you're dealing with.

Not all introverts are shy - some of us can be very sociable, but we still need some alone time to recharge. Let him have his alone time on Sundays and plan fun time with your girlfriends on Sunday nights. That way you'll both be getting your needs met.

[TBSakaJ9]

G - I think in every R their are sacrifices or maybe rather give and take. If I really felt strongly that I didn't want to go then I wouldn't. I am considerate though of others peoples feelings and I also know that I get plenty of alone time when I don't have my girls during the days I don't see her. That said, it's not about a fear of being alone its more about knowing that it is important to the other person and I don't feel strongly enough about being alone to tell her I am not coming over. Mainly because I know we don't get a lot of time together.

If you want him to make no sacrifices and only choose you when he wants to choose you then you need to be ok with that and accept whatever he chooses to give, when he wants to give it, and then determine if that works for you.

If that works for you then be flexible with him. If you need more than he is giving then be honest with him.

FWIW......if the Dr. invited me out with her mom and sister to celebrate her birthday I would clear my calendar. Truthfully I don't blame you for being pissed about that one.

[devvo]

I'm with kml on this one. M stood out as an introvert right away. It's hard for extroverts to understand how a person could choose not to be with loved ones, but as I have gotten older, I have slowly come to appreciate that 'recharge' thing.

Also very much understand J9's point of view and yours re the birthday dinner. I can't remember if you said, but had M spent a fair bit of time on his own before linking up with you? Maybe he's a bit stuck in his ways still?

[Ginger1]

I do want him to make some sacrifices for me.... and he definitely has given up his time to do some pretty serious work for me. And I do feel it’s somewhere in his heart because he is always offering to do stuff for me. Never really gets the chance, but I feel like he would want to if he got more time.

He knows I would like to spend more time with him. I’m curious to see what happens after this. And I agree, a birthday dinner invite with my family should have been an automatic yes. I think he’s not used to that.

He has been in his own I think a little over 3 years now. But going through a very volatile divorce for a good portion of it. I imagine once he got a routine, it’s hard to kind of shift from it. He can be introverted that way, and I am at times too. I guess what throws me off is that I see it as him getting a lot of me tome, but he sees himself as getting non and super busy. He rarely works past 3 pm. His son is stepped off at 7 every Tuesday. Wednesday’s he does give to me. He has every other athursday to himself. And on his weekend, his son goes back Sunday night at 7. But to him, he needs more. And I have to respect that. I guess the part that is still upsetting is we don’t spend much time together. If we spent like 4 days a week together and Sunday was so important, I don’t care ( BTW, I don’t ask for the whole Sunday, just dinner time)

Our next non-kid weekend is my birthday weekend. I was going to plan something and invite him, but he hasn’t mentioned that he had plans for us at all. Sunday is the day before my birthday. I guess I shouldn’t plan anything for Sunday, lol. I’m curious to see if he got me a gift. Hopefully it’s not like the Christmas gift. I dropped some hints to help him out, but I seriously have no clue what’s going to happen

I don’t feel 100% about all of this, but I will stay understanding. He’s fantastic in so many ways, I shouldn’t let this bother me the way it does.

[TBSakaJ9]

G - This may just be who he is. If so are you ok with that? What are his love languages and what are yours?

I guess you didn't like his Christmas gift?

[Fogg]

Ginger,

I'd have to agree with kml on the introvert thing, that's exactly what I was thinking when I read about M.

Some backstory on me that I hope will help give some perspective. When I was in the Air Force I took this Airman leadership course to prepare E3's for the higher supervisory ranks going forward. This was a 2 or 3 week course that involved daily public speaking and managerial skill development. It absolutely destroyed me every single day. I would get home at 5 PM and pass out before 5:30 and usually sleep a solid 12 hours because I was so low in energy. I've never been so drained in my life. One of the days we had this personality expert come out and test us on our Myer Briggs personality to show differences in how people relate to each other. I was the only person there who scored the max possible score in introversion while one other person was a few people below me. Everyone else was near the middle range or on the extroverted side. Either way, the instructor spent a good amount of time using me and the other girl as examples on how extroverts view introverts and giving a different perspective on our behaviors and how their image of didn't fit with our actual thoughts and motives. Such as, not talking to someone or spending time being taken as the person not liking you or not valuing you, when in fact its just difficult to manage our energy stores and we overthink situations.

Anyway, recharging is a daily struggle for me. My job requires me to interact with several individuals, two of them being nearly the opposite on the extroversion scale and its a constant struggle every day.

Please do not look at this and think its something to do with him not valuing the R the same as you do, its just a difference in personality and how we operate, which is normal. The more introverted someone is, the more they are drained by people and the longer it takes them to recharge. I promise going down the "if he loves me he would be recharged by me" is the wrong way to process this and will only lead to resentment and disappointment.

I love my kids and would do anything for them but even they drain me, so that along should say alot about it not having anything at all to do with the person they're with. I need my personal time to keep sane and not just once a week. Sometimes I need mini episodes daily and then a larger period every few days.

I know there are balances and sacrifices in any R, but take the above as a perspective to help understand him more. You aren't wrong to want more time with him, but neither is he for needing his alone time to recharge. There's a balance you both need to work towards and it will take time.

[JujuB]

This was a huge issue between me and my ex husband. (I’m not comparing M to my ex). I often felt lonely and felt like the pursuer because I just valued shared time so much.

We started dating when I was in school and super busy. I used to joke that had I not been in school we would have broken up as I would have demanded too much time.

Huge difference though. I remember he got really mad at me and broke up with me for 1 day at the 1 year mark because I brought up that he chose gym, and other activities over me. I actually cried and told him how I would change. I though back then that I was too demanding and clingy and controlling. ( a recent therapist pointed out how he did not care about my feelings or needs and it showed early on). My ex husband was the one to ask me to move in. In hindsite I suspect he did it for a break in rent. (I paid 1/3 and kept it at that and he later grew to resent that)

M did not break up with you or get mad at you for expressing your needs, so that is good. He is expressing his needs for Sunday’s to himself. I think a good sign would be a compromise from both of you. You find your own things to do as KML suggested and he should sacrifice voluntarily without you pushing him a few sundays as well. (This would demonstrate that he is willing to meet your needs) you both voiced your needs so now you have to see what each of you do.

My ex, intentionally “rebelled against me” and sought more time away. I remember that summer he went out with his friends on 4th of July instead of me. I did not see it like that at the time. I saw it as a, I was wrong to be too clingy. God , I was so stupid. Now I would detach and look for another guy.

So just observe and see how things go. I agree with J in that you have to weigh what your boundaries are. What is enough for you. You did do that with Hot chocolate and it worked in your favor. it’s about finding a healthy line between relationship compromise and sacrificing ones needs.

[Ginger1]

What great feedback from everyone.

Yes. I think this is who he is. And I was going down the slippery slope of him not placing as much value on the relationship because he didn’t want to spend tome with me when I wanted to spend it with him. I believe he loves me very much and values what we have. My love languages are physical touch and quality time. His I think also physical touch acts of service .

I guess snuggling with my guy is recharging. Him, being totally alone is. Neither is wrong. Neither means one cares more or less than the other.

And it occurred to me, especially today. He vacations alone for a full week. He invited me to one of his vacations, because both of our kids are away. But thanks to this job, I couldn’t go. He told me this morning he chose his place and sent me a link. And he’s really excited. 7 days of seclusion on a lake in Vermont. I made a joke and said you’ll certainly get your alone tome there. And he is say he wishes I could make it. However, I think he really wants to go alone. Not many people seclude themselves in a cabin for a week. So this is clearly who he is and what he enjoys .

So, I get it. And I can deal with it. Usually Wednesday’s we do something together. But I’m not going to be the pursuer this time. I’ll see if he asks me.

This stuff is hard. But worth it. He is totally worth it

[TBSakaJ9]

G - I can tell you after spending a couple of days in a row with the DR I need some time to just be, to just do me. I don't need a special day but I do need some time. It might just be a guy thing

Outside of the Sunday thing you also expressed concern about your birthday, what he got you for Christmas, his son and lack of affection while he is around, etc. Was is it about those things that bothers you?

[Ginger1]

Yes, my birthday upset me. I think he is a regimented guy and he sticks to all of his commitments, so Monday night is lake meeting night. I gave him a chance to realize he should be missing a meeting for my birthday. It took a while. But he got it. It was like this weekend we were gong to the lake and I was going to his house and we were going together in his car. He asked me if I had a beach chair and if I needed one. He caught himself and said “I should just bring one to make it easier on you”

As far as the Christmas present.... we were dating a little over 3 months. I went out of my way and got him a special present, but I did not expect the same. I think when he realized I got him a gift, he just grabbed something . A tin with Godiva hot chocolate and a candle. Gift giving isn’t this thing, he will do something nice for you first. I did drop some hints. We will see if he picks them up.

As far as his son, we did talk about it. He apologized for it before I could say anything and he said it will definitely happen soon. His son really likes me and vice versa. He would be happy. I’d like him to know before we are all on vacation together.

I’ve been very patient and understanding. And he tells me as much and tells me I’m amazing.

He’s worth it.

[TBSakaJ9]

Sounds good G.....as long as your happy and your needs are getting met.

[DonH]

I shouldn’t touch any sensitive subjects around my time of the month. It’s disaster.

I know I'm kinda late into all of this but... The first thing I did as the reading was unfolding was to take a look at the calendar to see what time of the month it was. Still kills me how (due to formerly matching schedules with Wild Girl) i still know when your emotional time comes. And I've seen this play out now at least a half dozen times with you now - first around the 10th to the 15th of the month and now since your medical shift the 15th to about the 20th. Talk about TMI but seriously, I've come to find in my adult years that this hormonal stuff really places a huge factor for some women and Ginger with nearly all of your struggles coming during this time of the month i think the most important thing you can do is see that part for what it is and wait a week before acting on things that fall during this week.

But we cannot and should not just dismiss all of it as "that time" because it really is not. Clearly he is an acts of service guy. Ask him to come fix something and he'll be there no matter what - even on a Sunday. It's clear! But ask him for close, emotional time, he may not be. See, that takes totally different parts of the brain and is different to cope with. For him, doing an act of service for you is how he shows you he loves you. He's COMFORTABLE with that - very comfortable. He's not nearly as comfortable (at least yet) opening up to you. That takes a different side of him.

i see this by putting myself in his shoes. Many people don't understand people like me who LOVE to be by myself. I'm told I was like that from toddler on. It's not like i don't enjoy other people or make friends or can be outgoing as well. i just am totally fine and sometimes prefer just being alone, doing what I want, when i want, not having to accommodate anyone else. This may be M. it may not. there is no way for us to know.

What it really comes down to is this is who he is. He's not likely to change. That's how pretty much all Rs go. The person is who they are. Either that fits with you or it does not. And you don't need to decide now. It's not like you are 30 or 35 with a bio clock ticking, etc. If this rides another year or two and you break up I would not consider it time wasted. So why not stay on the ride. Just don't expect him to change. That's first and foremost. Then you'll eventually figure out if he is a fit for you or not. You may need someone that is there 24/7. (I don't think you do, i'm just making an example) Let's say you really want and need someone that is around more often than not. If M is not that guy - he's not that guy. If you don't need more than he can give - this R will work (or may work) If you do need that, you need it. It's not bad. It's not right or wrong - it just is - and M might not be the right guy.

Again just putting myself in M's shoes, I could see myself doing what he did - and in past year's I've done it. I still see my brother do it to this day and he's married over 25 years. Ask him to come fix something, help someone, do a task and he's right there. Ask him to hang out with family for an event, and he'd sometimes I think rather go to the dentist. it's just who he is.

As Juju or someone said, the best part of this is M is talking with you about it. That's great. R's are one long, never ending, constant negotiation. You have to chose the really important things and let some things go. I for sure can tell you this, if it were me, the worst thing you can do is put more pressure on me to be there Sunday. That would push me farther away. I suspect M is the same way. IT won't bring you two closer. He will have to come to you on his own - and you acting as if, going out with the girls and just doing your own thing will bring him there faster than anything else you could do.

Most of all (ending where I started) wait until the end of this week and see if things don't look different to you - for the next 21 to 25 days, anyhow.

[job]

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